I recently read Joseph Grenny’s HBR article about being resilient in the face of harsh criticism. His insight was this: look for the grain of truth in feedback and you’ll increase your resiliency. Well, what if there isn’t a “grain of truth?” What if it isn’t feedback, but bullying? Bullies are adept at finding real or perceived weakness in others and exploiting it. In this case, it is not the “weakness” that is the problem, and searching for a “grain of truth” would empower the bully. What is the best way to deal with this?

Signed,
Grainless

Dear Grainless,

I could spend some time qualifying my response to your question by advising care in concluding someone’s entire intent is bullying. But I won’t. I will assume that you are 100% correct. The person we are considering has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification. What next?

The first crucial question is “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:

Enforce your rights. First and foremost, if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, you have rights and should demand them. Report abusive behavior to HR, or seek legal assistance.

Create distance. If needed, separate yourself from them in your current job, or find other employment. If you fail to take steps like these, you risk enabling the behavior and becoming accustomed to abuse—something that damages your mental health and well being.

If, on the other hand, you are not in immediate physical or emotional danger, and you want to continue in the work situation you’re in, you must in some way set and enforce boundaries.

You gain power over subtle bullying when you can describe it precisely. This can take work, but you can’t have a conversation if you can’t specify the problem. Let’s say that during meetings with peers (when the boss isn’t watching) this person resorts to name calling or raising their voice. Step one in setting a boundary is confronting the specific behavior. In Crucial Conversation we refer to this as “holding the right conversation.” Stop discussion of whatever issue is on the table and change the subject to the “process” issue. Stop talking about the “what” (the solution you’re debating), and shift to “how” the conversation is proceeding.

For example, you present a proposal and this person sneers and mutters, “where do you get this crap?” Stop the conversation immediately and say, “Before we move on with the discussion, I want to address what just happened. I presented my idea, and you said, “Where do you get this crap?” Did I hear that right?”

Your job in this conversation is to set a clear boundary. After confirming or disconfirming what they said, continue with, “I am fine hearing any criticism of any idea I have. Point out flaws all day long. But calling my ideas ‘crap’ is disrespectful to me. It’s not okay with me for you to simply insult either me or my ideas. Can I have your commitment to respect that?”

Be prepared for them to either resist making a commitment or to test the boundary again. If they resist, let them know what you’ll do to secure your right to respectful behavior. For example, if they say, “The problem here is that you’re weak and thin-skinned. This is how adults talk.” You can respond with, “I’ve explained what I expect. If that’s not something you can commit to, I’ll check with HR (or the boss) to see if I’m out of bounds in my expectation.”

In they test the boundary, or lapse in honoring it, the first time it happens, you must address it: “A couple of weeks ago you committed that you would never use insulting language toward me. You just called my idea BS. That’s a violation of your commitment.” Ask for them to reconfirm their commitment, then add, “It’s not my job to police your agreement. If you fail to keep it again, I’ll move to other alternatives.

Admittedly, setting and enforcing boundaries puts a lot on you. So I remind you, if what you really want is just to secure your right to dignified treatment, the first two suggestions are reasonable. If what you really want (and feel safe doing) is to handle the problem between you, it will have to take some form of setting and enforcing boundaries.

Nothing I’ve offered makes for easy answers, but in a world of flawed people, I hope this gives you a way of thinking about your options.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post How to Respond to a Workplace Bully appeared first on Crucial Learning.

What is the best way to respond to someone who has the habit of dominating conversations? My colleague will not let me finish my sentences, interrupts with an opinion or comment, talks at great length, and often repeats what she already said. I feel hostage to her while she hogs the airwaves. What can I do?

Signed,
Talked Over

Dear Talked Over,

There’s no way around this other than through it. Either you need to let go of your need for conversational equity (or even airtime!), or you’ll need to have a conversation about your conversations.

The biggest key to a productive outcome in situations like this is to talk sooner rather than later. If you wait until you’ve built resentments about their pattern, your judgments will leak into the conversation and provoke defensiveness. If you’re already past the point of feeling resentful, my first suggestion is that you change your story about what’s been happening. Rather than feeling a “victim of their insensitivity” I suggest you swallow hard and accept that the reason for the pattern is not just their insensitivity, but your passivity. The first time someone hogs all the airtime, it’s their fault. But the tenth time it happens, you’re complicit.

For years I had a friend I’ll call Paul, who was a brilliant legal scholar and who had had a very storied career. I loved talking with him, but he lacked any sensitivity to subtle cues that I wanted to end the conversation. He could go on a fascinating monologue for an hour without noticing that I had said nothing. And when I told him it was time for me to go he would continue talking without taking a breath. Over time I began to avoid him in our neighborhood. I’d panic when I’d see him because I knew once he got rolling there would be no stopping. When my avoidance failed and I was trapped into a conversation, I’d feel resentful and judgmental toward him.

All that changed when I started to tell myself this truth: Resentment is often a sign I’m not setting and maintaining boundaries.

It took a while to let go of the righteous indignation I felt about him, and to start feeling remorse for the sniping I enjoyed while complaining about him to my wife. Once I accepted my responsibility for the judgments I carried, I was able to see him again for who he really was: a brilliant, fascinating, tender, and imperfect human being.

The next time I saw him, I had the conversation I recommend to you. First, I started with safety. Given that this could be a sensitive conversation, I tried to frame it in a way that clarified my loving intentions.

As Paul took a breath to begin an extended monologue, I interrupted him firmly. “Paul,” I said, “Before you continue, I’ve got something I want to let you know. I love our conversations. I love you. And I want to continue to connect with you like this. And there’s something I’ve noticed that gets in the way of the conversation working for me. In fact, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been dodging you sometimes because I was too much of a coward to address this. I’d like to share what’s not working so I’ll feel completely engaged when we talk. Okay?”

He nodded.

I went on to tell him honestly what wasn’t working. I negotiated with him a way of managing my own time boundaries when he was on a tear. The truth is he was 93 years old and wasn’t likely to reform his conversational style based on this conversation. So it was my responsibility to let him know how I’d handle it when I was ready to leave.

Your situation is likely different, but my advice is the same: you need to negotiate what you’ll do when you want more space in the conversation with your colleague. You might ask them what kind of cue you can offer to let them know you’re looking for an onramp. For example, you might say, “Will it work for you if I make a T with my hands, or hold up a single finger, or something like that?”

I tried multiple methods with Paul but in the end had to simply walk away and leave him talking. I would tell him when I had 10 minutes left, 5 minutes left, and 1 minute left. The cues made no difference in his velocity. The first time I said, “Goodbye Paul, see you soon” and left I felt both awkward and liberated. I stopped making him responsible for my needs and took that duty back. He never begrudged me for doing that and we had a wonderful friendship until he died a few years later.

Liberate yourself from judgment, take responsibility for your own needs, and there may be hope for a productive relationship.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post Talking with Someone Who Always Dominates the Conversation appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A few months ago, while I was out of town, a colleague aired his grievances against me in a meeting with our new CEO. Two others joined in. This colleague previously reported to me, then was promoted to be my peer. He has been a contentious bully ever since, badmouthing me behind my back. When I returned from my trip, I was called into a meeting with the new CEO and the three who have issues with me. I was blindsided by their allegations. I pushed back very little but have since been stewing to the point of depression. Where should I go from here?

Signed,
Slammed

Dear Slammed,

I’m sorry for the painful experience you’re going through. I hope something I offer will be helpful to you.

You used a word in your note that brings me to a full stop: depression. If that word accurately describes your emotional state, I urge you to get help. Immediately. If you are depressed, you will be limited in your ability to benefit from any tactical advice I can offer. A trained therapist can give you the emotional support you need and recommend ways of maintaining your psychological safety and rebuilding your health.

If, however, you believe you have the emotional resources to try to solve the problem, I offer the following.

I’m limited in my ability to help because I cannot judge the merits of your colleague’s assertions. I don’t know, for example, whether their behavior represents any one of the following:

• Complete fabrication: Were their allegations fabricated in a conspiracy to damage you?
• Zero communication: Did any one of them make an attempt to share their concerns directly with you?
• Some merit and some communication: Or, is there some truth to what they are alleging and they have made some attempt to communicate with you?

My experience in situations like this is that while the first and second scenarios sometimes happen, if we are humble and honest enough, we discover our situation is more like the third option. My first advice is to allow yourself to experience the hurt and shock you feel, and to take the time you need to absorb it. Then, when you are ready, do your best to examine the situation objectively—perhaps with the help of a trusted colleague with an independent viewpoint who will give you honest feedback.

Then, swallow hard and ask your CEO to reassemble the group. As difficult as it is for you, it’s important that the solution happen in the same setting where the problem occurred.

Begin the meeting as follows: “A few weeks ago you shared some feedback that surprised me. My hope today is to better understand your concerns. My goal is to work well with you, and from what you shared, it appears I’m failing. I may need some time to reflect on what you share today and decide on the best path forward, but I need to better understand what you are experiencing in order to figure that out.”

Come into the meeting like a faithful scientist with no axe to grind. You’re not there to defend yourself. You’re there to ask questions, gather evidence, and take notes. Do it dispassionately.

For example, if they previously asserted that you are incompetent at project management, begin the inquiry like this: “In our last meeting you stated that I am an incompetent project manager. Can you elaborate on that? What have I done or not done that appears incompetent to you?”

This approach is helpful both in dealing with complete fabrication and situations where there is some merit. If you do a good job staying in “scientist” mode, three things may happen:

• You’ll come to see that there is some substance to their concerns.
• If they are exaggerating their concerns, the contrast between their adjectives and real evidence will be apparent, influencing them to moderate their statements.
• Any lack of concrete evidence will be more apparent to you and your boss, and any damage to your credibility will be improved.

Sincerity is the key to all of this. Do your best to come in humble and open, and let the facts speak for themselves. Once you have deeply understood their perspective and experience, decide whether you are in a good emotional place to “add your meaning to the pool” (as we say in Crucial Conversations), or whether you would benefit from time to recover and reflect before doing so.

I wish you all the best in getting to a healthier place.

Warmly,
Joseph

The post What to Do When You’ve Been Blindsided appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Thirteen years later, I was struck with another. I was standing in a TSA security line in 2011 when I felt the sudden cumulative weight of three independent disasters. Two of my sons were incarcerated, my wife wasn’t sure she wanted to stay married to me, and a New York Times news article had just accused a nonprofit I chaired of impropriety. I felt like three legs of the table holding my up life had disappeared. I broke down and cried.

These are just a couple of personal experiences that have fueled my interest in researching crucial events.

My colleague in this research, Brian Wansink, was Godzilla-stomped by a crucial event seven years ago when he was accused of academic misconduct. For 30 years he worked as a bestselling author, professor, and USDA Executive Director, then he experienced total humiliation. He was shamed into nearly paralyzing numbness, and he was forced to resign from his dream calling as a Professor at Cornell and to disband his Food and Brand Lab.

Thirty-three years ago, my partners and I began to research crucial moments. We wondered if there were key moments in our careers and personal lives that disproportionately affect the outcomes we care about most. We also wondered if there were better ways to deal with these moments. Those studies led us to the insights contained in Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, and Crucial Influence.

I’ve recently felt a need to learn more about crucial events—times in our lives when we are hit with crushing surprises. The rude shock could come in the form of a public failure, job loss, natural disaster, divorce, illness, bankruptcy, betrayal, addiction or myriad other calamities. In our initial research, I was surprised to learn that we tend to experience a couple of these crises every decade of our lives. This means that during adulthood we are likely to face as many as a dozen crucial events. We’ve also found that the stakes for how we deal with these episodes could not be higher: study participants report that the worst consequences can last far beyond the pain of the initial event—sometimes for the rest of our lives.

But does it have to be that way? I invite you to join me in a study to help us answer this crucial question. Our small, initial study suggests that people dealing with crucial events experience widely different intensity and duration of negative consequences. We need to know why. We believe that answering this question could be of great value to all of us.

If this question seems important to you, and if you’d be willing to share some of your life experience—both good and bad—I welcome you to participate in the survey below. As you’d expect, the questions prompt you to explore some emotionally difficult moments. If that is too uncomfortable for you, I encourage you not to participate. I’ll also note that you need not have triumphed over the crucial event to participate. In fact, we can’t learn if we don’t hear about some consequences that have lingered painfully and some that have remarkably healed. Please make the choice that’s best for you. And, if you get started and change your mind, you can always exit the survey.

Since the study is exploring a profound question, we have broken it into two parts. We are asking you to complete just one of the two parts. One part will ask you questions about crucial events you’ve experienced, and it mainly involves checking boxes and provide short answers. It should take about 15 minutes to complete. The other part asks you to share details about your most traumatic crucial event. It is called a Story Collector, and we will ask 12 guiding questions about your crucial event, like how it affected you, what advice you would give others in a similar situation, and so forth. It could take 15-30 minutes depending on how much detail you provide.

BEGIN SURVEY

Whether you choose to engage or not, I look forward to sharing anything we learn that could be of value to both you and me. It appears that no one makes it through life without a crisis. My hope is that this effort allows us to share our collective wisdom in a way that accelerates healing for many.

Warmly,
Joseph Grenny

The post What Have You Learned from Your Crucial Events? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A member of the team I lead is convinced he’s an excellent worker, top performer, and unfairly overlooked for a promotion. The problem is none of that is true, but he refuses to accept this. He sometimes does great work but is inconsistent. He’s also often nowhere to be found, for hours at a time. How do I hold him accountable when his self-perception is so wildly different from reality? I ask all the right questions, but we still go in circles when we talk with me pointing out weaknesses and him claiming perfection.

Signed,
Perception Gap

Dear Perception Gap,

The mistake you’re making is that you’re coming into your Crucial Conversation unprepared. You’re coming in with stories, conclusions, and judgments but little or no fact. So is he. If the conversation sounds like…

Him: “I’m an excellent worker, a top performer and deserve a promotion!”

You: “I agree that you do good work sometimes, but you’re inconsistent and often disappear.”

Him: “No, I don’t! I’m always available and keep all my commitments!”

You: “Actually, you don’t.”

… then you’re stuck in the “competing conclusions” trap. The only way to break this argument over vague generalities is to back up and start over. This time, with facts.

Thirty years ago, when Crucial Learning was young, Chris (not his real name), one of my employees, asked to have a private meeting. My chest tightened as I could tell he wasn’t happy with me about something. When I closed the door and we both sat down, Chris looked at me sternly and said, “Joseph, no one here likes working with you. You’re arrogant and argumentative.”

I was thunderstruck. My initial inclination was to say, “No, I’m not!” But even in my defensive dizziness I realized that would have been argumentative. So, I bit my lip, took a deep breath, and scrambled for where to go next.

I eventually came to see that Chris was right. But in the moment, I was not only defensive, I was mystified. It was easy to reject what he was saying because he gave me no evidence to support it. That enabled me to tell myself a story about him that allowed me to dismiss everything he was saying: “Chris doesn’t like taking orders from someone younger than him. This is about his ego!”

My self-protective story evaporated when I stumbled on a productive response. “Chris, if you see me as arrogant and argumentative, I must be doing something to deserve that judgment. Can you give me some examples?”

He nodded. That was when I noticed the green spiral-bound notebook sitting in front of him. He opened it and began citing examples—complete with dates, topics, and participants—of when I had cut people off in meetings, shaken my head before they had made their points, failed to ask questions to clarify others’ perspectives, and a host of other offenses. The more he read, the more I melted into his point of view.

Gathering the facts is the homework required for an effective Crucial Conversation. Our problem is that our brain is an efficiency optimizer. Given that storing minute details is resource intensive, our brain focuses on retaining conclusions and judgments but does a lesser job of holding the facts that support our judgments. For example, I go to a restaurant, I’m made to wait 25 minutes past my reservation time. The maître de doesn’t seat me until I point out the delay. Two of the wine glasses on the table have spots and there is food debris from previous diners. The waiter doesn’t acknowledge my table for twenty minutes, gets four of our six orders wrong, doesn’t make eye contact, delivers food that is cold, etc., etc. Six months later someone asks me if I like the restaurant. I can remember that I didn’t like the place, but I can’t recall most or all of the specific observations that contributed to my judgment.

The same is true of our judgments of people in the workplace. We’ll make an observation or two, draw a conclusion, then retain the conclusion but little of its basis. “I just don’t trust her, it’s just a gut feeling!” No, it isn’t. It’s a conclusion based on lost information. And you’ll never know if the conclusion is right, wrong, or something in between until you retrieve and interrogate the facts you used to draw it.

Crucial Conversations require both diligence and humility. We must be diligent in recovering the facts that supported our judgment, and we must be humble enough to acknowledge their paucity if our evidence is light.

The only hope of progress with your team member will be moving the conversation to a mutual exploration of concrete history rather than competing conclusions.

Warmly,
Joseph

The post What to Do When You and Your Employee Disagree about Their Performance appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have been a legal secretary to a lawyer for more than 18 months. She used to stay on top of things, but recently she has become unmotivated and unresponsive. For example, I prepare letters for her review and deliver them early in the morning, but she doesn’t review them until 30 minutes before I’m due to leave the office, and then she wants me to get the letters sent out. I work full-time and have four children, and I have told her on several occasions that I cannot get letters finished that late in the day as I need to leave. I’ve tried letting her know early in the day what time I will be leaving and the deadline for getting letters to me, yet she continues to send requests at the last minute and then becomes snippy when I tell her I won’t get them done until the next day. I don’t know how to deal with her lack of motivation. What can I do?

Signed,
Legal Trouble

Dear Legal Trouble,

Congratulations. You’ve done a good job communicating your expectations and needs. You’ve laid out clearly what works for you and what doesn’t. You’ve carefully explained the reasons behind your expectations. You have given your boss ample reason to feel motivated to conform to your requests. If you have truly been as clear as you’ve said, the fact that she is not conforming means one of two things:

1. She’s not motivated: Other interests or needs are more important to her than accommodating yours.
2. She’s not able: You ask how to deal with “her lack of motivation.” You might be wrong here. It could be that the flow of her work makes your requests untenable. Her reality could be that urgent work frequently only manifests later in the day, so your needs don’t fit with workplace reality. If so, it’s an ability problem, not a motivation problem. Carefully consider this possibility. When you erroneously attribute problems to a lack of motivation you can amp up your own resentment and judgment. Acknowledging that ability plays a role helps you be more empathetic and patient with her.

With that said, whether your boss’s behavior relates to motivation or ability, you have two options given your commitment to your boundaries, and they are essentially the same: maintain your boundaries and live with the consequences.

Option 1: Maintain Boundaries and Stay

This course of action means that you’ll only complete letters that fit your schedule, unless you choose to make an occasional exception for exceptional circumstances. If you choose this option, you are choosing to accept the consequences of it, which likely include the following:

• Her continued disappointment. You describe her as being “snippy” when you hold your boundary. Learn to be okay with that. She gets to feel disappointed and even resentful if she chooses. When you choose to continue to perform in ways that don’t work for her, you surrender the right to complain about her reaction. Find a way to be at peace with an upset boss without being petty or detached. One of the greatest indicators of emotional maturity is the capacity to care about others’ feelings without taking responsibility for them. Do your best to care for her needs without surrendering your own.
• Employment uncertainty. If you fail to meet enough of your boss’s most important needs, there is a chance she will decide to find someone to replace you. She has the right to do that just as you have a right to set limits for what you offer your employer. Even if she doesn’t fire you, accept that your upward mobility may suffer in this situation.

The spirit of this option is that you must stop trying to mold her into what you want. You can’t successfully do that with anyone in your life. If you take this route, don’t do so dishonestly—secretly hoping you can cajole her into surrendering her preferences. If you do that, you’ll unconsciously develop resentments and judgments against her. She has forthrightly shown you who she is and what she wants. If you choose the benefits of staying with this employer over changing jobs, take full responsibility for your choice.

If, on the other hand, it’s too emotionally taxing to take Option 1, then you have Option 2.

Option 2: Maintain Boundaries and Go

Find a new work situation that fits your boundaries. This time make your schedule needs a strong filter for the jobs you consider. Don’t wait until you’ve been given a name tag and assigned a parking place to ensure it’s a good fit.

I know this kind of clarity doesn’t make your decision easier. But in my experience taking full emotional responsibility for life’s many tradeoffs helps you live in greater peace with both the upsides and downsides. I’d rather live in peaceful responsibility than insatiable victimhood.

Best wishes in your choice,
Joseph

The post How Can I Get My Boss to Respect My Boundaries? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Whenever my husband tells me things he doesn’t like that I do, I own it, say I’m sorry, and tell him I am determined to change it. If even ten minutes later I tell him I don’t like something he does, he’ll reply, “We really need to stop criticizing each other!”

I would appreciate it if he would own his behavior and validate my perspective, like I did for him. I feel like I’m trying to do what’s required to have a good relationship, but he doesn’t. What can I do?

Signed,
Unfair

Dear Unfair,

Your question hits close to home. I spent many years expecting relationship “fairness.” Over time I concluded it wasn’t realistic, useful, or healthy. Give me a moment to explain, then I’ll try to offer practical advice.

Your desire is to have your concerns heard and validated. Nothing wrong there. But your central argument is that he should do it because you do it. You believe that he should be more motivated to hear and validate you because you’ve earned it. Human beings have a hardwired expectation of reciprocity. It’s part of what makes us cooperative creatures. If you say good morning to someone, it’s natural to expect a return greeting. And they often feel a reciprocal obligation to do so. If I hold the door for you, you’re more likely to hold the next one for me. Likewise, I unconsciously expect you to get the next one. After all, fair is fair.

“Fair” works okay with public and even workplace transactions where simple arithmetic reasonably justifies expectations. In transactional relationships, turn-taking, bill-splitting, and door-holding can be governed by fairness. There are limited variables to track and we intuitively agree on how to value our mutual contributions. But arithmetic doesn’t work in intimate relationships. The only governing principle that works there is not math but love. Asking someone to listen better out of fairness is like calculating how much to pay mom for Thanksgiving dinner.

In intimate relationships, an appeal to fairness is like calling the police when your beloved forgets your anniversary. Coercion won’t increase devotion. Only vulnerability can do that. And when we appeal for fairness in loving relationships it’s often because we’re trying to avoid vulnerability.

Vulnerability is hard. But it’s the calisthenics of intimacy. Practicing healthy vulnerability grows us into the kind of people who are capable of surpassing interpersonal joy. Relationships provide the developmental friction that helps us grow to our potential as human beings. I’ve concluded that the measure of my life is my capacity to love imperfect people. People like me. Here, then, is my advice for growing your vulnerability muscle in a way that can lead to deeper love with your imperfect husband.

Practice honesty without expectation. Give yourself permission to say what you would like and to share how you are affected by his actions. Stop worrying about how he’ll react. Let him react however he chooses. Be considerate of timing when you share. I find it best to ask, “Is now a good time?” If he says it isn’t, ask him when he’d be okay hearing something that is important to you. Once you’ve shared, don’t start a stopwatch. He is not obligated to change. The reason you share is so you can honor your own needs, not so that you can get someone else to change. Vulnerability means honoring your voice while also honoring his agency. It means embracing the possibility of disappointment without self-protective resentment.

Practice appreciation without distortion. When others fall short of our expectations we tend to fall into a distorted economic view of our relationship. We begin to appraise the relationship based on supply and demand. Suddenly all the things we have in abundance seem unimportant and the thing we aren’t getting becomes priceless. Don’t fall into that trap. Before sharing a concern, be sure your emotional state reflects its true importance—big or small. If he expels open-mouthed burps in public, for example, but is tender and attentive to your every need, consider both as you frame your feedback.

Offer kindness for its own sake. The next time you choose to listen to his feedback, don’t keep score. Decide whether you want to accommodate his request based on who you are and how you feel about him, not as a way of tallying credits. If he is ever going to decrease his defensiveness or increase his openness to your feedback, it will happen because he loves you, not because you’ve earned it.

Balance patience with responsibility for yourself. Working sincerely on appreciation does not mean abandoning responsibility for your own needs. If his defensiveness results in abuse or neglect of things that are truly important to you, you have a decision to make. Love doesn’t mean abandonment of self, it means inclusion of another. Love offers more joy because it presents us with greater complexity. But if it so happens that you aren’t capable of finding joy with the other, you are still responsible for yourself.

I hope some of what I offered here helps you find a loving path forward. I’ve been working at it for 36 years, and the effort has been worth it.

Warmly,
Joseph

The post How Can I Get My Husband to Treat Me as Well as I Treat Him? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I’m the chair of an organization and someone on the board is leaking information. Someone made a derogatory comment about a person in a board meeting, and someone on the board told that person. I have addressed the issue of confidentiality before, so this is a violation of that expectation. Leaks like this undermine board trust and other relationships. How should I approach this?

Signed,
Leaky Board

Dear Leaky Board,

You’re right to take this issue seriously. This is a material violation of trust that undermines the board’s ability to deliberate about sensitive issues. Each board member must be willing to place their commitment to board integrity and organizational interests over their kinship with particular employees. For the purposes of my response, I will assume you have unassailable evidence that the leak came from a board member. If so, I suggest the following.

Address It Privately

If you know who the offending board member is, confront them privately. Consult legal counsel about whether you should do it in company with one other board member. Share the evidence of their breach of board integrity then invite them to respond. Listen sincerely but without allowing easy dismissal of the compelling evidence. But be open to persuasive mitigating information that could come to light in the course of the conversation.

Repair or Resign?

If they acknowledge some level of impropriety, you must decide whether remediation is possible and preferable. Is the board member such a significant asset that even with damaged trust they are worth keeping? Is the board member willing to acknowledge error with those who have been harmed (the board and those individuals affected)? Weigh your responses to these questions in your deliberation about whether to ask them to resign or remedy the situation—and what form the remedy should take.

Investigate Thoroughly

If you don’t know who the offending board member is, raise the issue with the board, including sharing the evidence of breach of confidence. Ask for the board’s views on both the severity of and appropriate response to the incident. If they agree that it is a material breach of trust, and an issue worth pursuing to resolution, you might propose an appropriate investigation process. Even if the investigation is inconclusive, you will have still sent a message to board members of the seriousness with which such violations will be addressed.

The best case scenario is that someone who erred acknowledges it and commits to do better. The second best outcome is for the undiscovered offender to be put on notice by your vigorous response that board integrity is a value you will fight for.

I wish you the best in restoring trust to your board. The best boards and teams I’ve worked on are ones where it’s okay to be human. Mistakes are understood, but improvement is expected.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post Someone on the Board is Leaking Information. What Should I Do? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Sixteen years ago my colleagues and I published a book called Influencer. It represented our best answer to the two most important questions we’ve ever asked.

1. Why do people do what they do?
2. How can you help them change?

The most important problems you and I face—as leaders, as family members, as citizens and as human beings—are influence problems. They are problems that will never be solved until some human or humans behave differently. The problem we hoped to solve in publishing Influencer was to better equip everyone to do what only a few special people seemed to be able to do: influence rapid, profound, and sustainable behavior change to achieve important results.

The book was the result of three efforts:

1. Decades of research into the best of social science theory.
2. Millions of miles of travel to study the work of those who have accomplished large-scale behavioral changes that few of us think are possible.
3. Three decades of projects applying these insights in corporate settings.

We couldn’t be more gratified at the results. Since publishing Influencer, we’ve seen evidence that many of the hundreds of thousands of readers have achieved exactly what we hoped. For example:

• A PricewaterhouseCoopers executive increased retention and promotion of underrepresented groups in senior positions.
• The CEO of telecom giant MTN Group increased innovation in a workforce spanning Africa and the Middle East.
• Leaders at Fundación Paraguaya helped thousands in need increase their household income.
• VPs of HR and Learning at HCA Healthcare improved nursing retention during periods of high turnover.
• Newmont Mining site managers saved lives by increasing safety compliance.
• The Pakistani superintendent of police stemmed corruption and reduced traffic fatalities by 60%.
• Leaders at KIPP schools increased principal retention from 2.3 years to 4.7 years.

You might be tempted to ask, “After sixteen years and thousands of experiences like these, have you learned more about the crucial topic of influence?” I’m glad you asked!

We have. I’m pleased to announce that we have dramatically updated this seminal book under a new title: Crucial Influence: Leadership Skills to Create Lasting Behavior Change.

Sixteen years of additional living and learning have helped us make Crucial Influence a superior successor to the original book. Here’s what you’ll notice about the new edition:

• Streamlined. Years ago Kerry Patterson told me that a three-hour speech is what you give when you lack the skill to give a one-hour speech. There’s truth in that. Sixteen years of teaching and applying the model have helped us learn to communicate the most potent ideas far more effectively and efficiently.
• More immediately practical. We were so overcome at insights we gained from those who have influenced remarkable behavior change across massive populations that we focused much of the previous editions on these-large scale efforts. In this edition we add tactics that will help leaders address day-to-day challenges. Our goal was for every page to offer new ideas for solving immediate influence problems.
• For leaders at all levels. Crucial Influence will better serve the needs of leaders at all levels. Frontline leaders who are struggling to get people to retain and engage employees will find as much value as executives who need to pivot an entire organization.
• New stories. Finally, we’ve carefully selected stories from the shoeboxes we had filled with fun, riveting, and inspiring examples of influence in action.

Our deepest hope is to help make the world a better place by enabling people everywhere to think more effectively about the central work of leadership. We dare to hope that millions be more capable of making the world a better place as they increase their capacity to create rapid, profound, and sustainable behavior change.

We are grateful to the thousands who have allowed us to learn with them. And we are hopeful we have done justice to their remarkable contributions in this new edition.

You can pick up a copy at Amazon or wherever you buy books.

Warmly,
Joseph Grenny

The post Want More Influence? Here’s How to Get It appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have a stubborn stepson who refuses to speak with his father. He thinks his father doesn’t love him, which is not so. What can I say to him so he’ll open up?

Signed,
Getting Through

Dear Getting Through,

First, with no background about your stepson’s life, history with dad, or relationship with you, I have no idea what is behind his silence. There could be an infinite number of contributors. Does he struggle with depression or anxiety? What happened with his birth mother? Is there trauma associated with that? Could his silence be related to feelings of inadequacy or fear in his relationship with his father? Does he have developmental or autism spectrum-related challenges? Is he naturally shy?

With all that said, let me share a few principles that you can consider as you try to have a positive influence. I will base my advice on two things you said in your brief question: He is “stubborn” and “refuses to speak with his father.” And “What can I say to him so he’ll open up?”

The inescapable ingredients of relationships are vulnerability, humility, selflessness, self-honesty, time and trust. You’ll note that nothing on that list can be installed by a third party.

His relationship with his dad is not your job. You are asking for something you can say so he’ll open up to his dad. This very question suggests an unhealthy relationship between you, your husband, and your stepson. You are taking responsibility for something that is not your job, but your husband’s job. By taking responsibility for a relationship between two other people, you put yourself in the role of a manipulator. You begin to scheme about covert tactics you might use to cajole others into developing something that is entirely their work. The problem isn’t your stepson’s silence, it is the relationship between a father and a son. And the inescapable ingredients of relationships are vulnerability, humility, selflessness, self-honesty, time and trust. You’ll note that nothing on that list can be installed by a third party. My first bit of advice is for you to get out of the way. Work on your relationship with your husband and your relationship with your stepson. Period. And if, in search of self-honesty, they ever ask you for advice about what they can do to improve their relationship, offer your perspective. But don’t try to steal their problem from them.

Your story may be your (and your husband’s) problem. You have concluded that his silence is about being “stubborn.” That’s a story. You continue that he “refuses to speak with his father.” “Refuse” implies a willful and, coupled with “stubborn,” spiteful motive behind his silence. If that’s the story you and your husband tell yourselves about your son, your reactions to him will be controlled by that story. You’ll find yourself trying to fix him. You’ll feel disgust and judgment rather than patience and curiosity. Of course, I know nothing about their history, so there could be merit to your characterization. But silence is often about more than a character defect. If your husband wants a relationship with his son, all he can do is create conditions that invite him to want to open up. There is nothing he can say to ‘make him’ open up. If your husband is open to some self-examination, he might ask himself:

• Does my son believe I respect him?
• Does my son suspect I consider my agenda for him more important than his own agenda for himself?
• Have I done things in the past that hurt his trust in me?
• When he has opened up in the past, did he walk away feeling understood, respected and loved?
• Does he feel safe opening up to me?

No one can get someone to open up to them any more than they can get a kernel of corn to grow into a green healthy stalk. You can’t work on the kernel, you can only work on the soil. You can create a safe and nourishing environment in which the kernel will do what kernels naturally do: open up and grow. If your husband gives careful consideration to these and other questions, he may find things he can do to work on the soil while he patiently waits for his son to trust and engage. Your husband’s capacity for vulnerability, humility, selflessness and self-honesty are the soil. If he cultivates these things along with a willingness to allow the time required for trust to naturally develop, he will have done all he can to have whatever relationship his son is willing to offer.

Warmly,
Joseph

The post Caught in the Middle: Conversations Between Stepchild and Parent appeared first on Crucial Learning.