Comments on: Helping Your Adult Child Build Better Habits

By: Henry Killingsworth

Henry Killingsworth — Wed, 15 Feb 2023 19:33:20 +0000

You made an interesting point when you mentioned that belief can be fostered by learning how habits function. I am trying to help my teenage son learn some good habits, but I worry that I am not the best teacher for him. It might be a good idea for my son to go to a youth conference that focuses on helping teenagers develop good habits.

By: C. P.

C. P. — Wed, 14 Sep 2022 13:55:58 +0000

In reply to Denise. A third vote for ADDitude, it was super helpful to myself in understanding my little brother when he was diagnosed, and as an adult, understanding some of my own behaviors. Time blindness is super common with people with ADHD. I've had to learn things like timed playlists so I can tell time is passing so I'm not late to everything.

By: Desiree

Desiree — Thu, 08 Sep 2022 13:36:08 +0000

In reply to Denise. I came here to say this too! ADHD can make planning out long term tasks really difficult (often tasks need to be broken down again and again into small and approachable chunks and tools like body doubling can go a long wat towards helping achieve those goals). It also doesn't help that kids get lots of support for disabilities in school and it sharply drops off in adulthood. It's likely her daughter needs accommodations and coping strategies, not lectures or lessons on work ethic or how to build habits.

By: Catherine Waiyaki

Catherine Waiyaki — Thu, 08 Sep 2022 04:55:47 +0000

In reply to A good mom with a great son. I was also going to say that the most important part will be to love the person you have now. To give them a safe space to be open, and only then can you INFLUENCE them, after you both understand each other better. And to walk the journey of how they are doing based on what they decide to do with them.

By: Deena

Deena — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 20:48:33 +0000

In reply to Denise. Came here to say this. Thank you.

By: Amy M.

Amy M. — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 18:44:10 +0000

The things “Honing Habits” describes (putting off chores, being late for work) are characteristics of ADHD in girls. She can be helped by identifying how to address those characteristics – they are not a character flaw of the daughter – she probably WANTS to do well (hence her comment about wanting to be well-off enough to move out). Start with researching ways to mitigate those habits you describe – Does she need to set alarms for certain time allotments to get ready to go to work?; Does she experience object permanence (where everything she needs should be visible or it doesn’t exist)?; Does she (or mom) need to learn “body doubling” where someone stays in the room with her or she listens to a podcast to help her get started on a task so those chores can be done? Helping her would be better accomplished by understanding how ADHD presents itself in females and learning to address those characteristics. (One last note: If she also has Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which is a common partner with ADHD, the advice you’re giving – “you need to do this” or “you should be doing that” may have the opposite effect of her wanting to form different habits.

By: Chris

Chris — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 17:29:17 +0000

Many good points and pieces of advice here. The one thing that I think is missing is the reminder that we cannot control anyone else’s behavior, we can only control our own. It’s implied in the article, but not explicitly stated, that change will come not based on what the parent wants, but what the adult child wants. You can try to influence her behaviors in a way you think is helpful, using her beliefs and values to establish a mutually desirable goal – but it if doesn’t work, that is YOUR problem, not hers. Resenting someone for being a different person than you wish they were is a waste of time and a great way to damage a relationship.

By: A good mom with a great son

A good mom with a great son — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 17:23:40 +0000

Something that has helped me parent an adult child with fairly severe ADHD is to learn to love the son I have, where he is right now. Sure, I can see his potential and want him to grow into it, but I also have a wonderful person right in front of me today. With that as a starting point I worked on finding the ways I could sometimes help or give advice, and stepped back and let the consequences of his decisions be the teacher instead of me being the nag. Tough love was part of it, but not the biggest piece. Don’t let every interaction become about teaching or lecturing – forge a relationship with an adult peer, and treat them like the adult they are. If you wouldn’t say it like that to a close friend, don’t say it to your kid. Believe me, they know their failures and beat themselves up about it continually, which serves to immobilize them. If you want to help, paying for a good counselor with experience treating ADHD to help develop coping skills like chaining together good habits until they become routine is a great investment in their future potential. My son today is responsible, loving, has a great work ethic, and I have discovered he thinks about things and feels things deeply, which was a surprise to me. Our occasional heart-to-heart talks mean the world to me. Focus on the relationship first so they know you trust them to get things figured out, even if it takes a few years longer than you both thought it would.

By: Denise

Denise — Wed, 07 Sep 2022 17:14:45 +0000

I think you all are underestimating how much ADHD impacts people, especially in terms of executive function. Finding ways of establishing useful habits may require experimentation and hopefully the parent can manage to be cooperative and non-judgmental while helping her daughter to do so (rejection sensitivity looms large for most folks with ADHD as well). The ADDitude website (https://www.additudemag.com/) has the best selection of resources for living with ADHD I have ever seen.