Comments on: How to Work With a Self-Centered Person

By: davidmaxfield

davidmaxfield — Sat, 26 May 2018 12:35:35 +0000

Are you suggesting that the 1500 mile rule only applies to me??? Perhaps I was a more difficult teen that I’ve realized.

Every family is unique. One way that ours was different was that we moved every few years. My parents were both mathematicians who treasured their careers far more than any region or geography we lived in. As a result, I grew up in China Lake, CA, Gainesville, FL, Canaan, VT, and Manhattan, KS. And, shortly after I left for college, my parents moved to Ruston, LA. If I’d stayed near to home after high school, it would have been my parents who moved away from me.

thanks!

By: davidmaxfield

davidmaxfield — Sat, 26 May 2018 12:31:27 +0000

In reply to lee.

Thanks Lee,

I missed this aspect in the original question, but I get your point. Rather than try to craft an answer here, where only a few of us will ever read it. I’d like to take your question to the Newsletter, and answer it there. I’ll try to write it this weekend. If you send me your email (to my email address), I’ll send you a first draft. My email is: dmaxfield@vitalsmarts.com.

thanks again,

By: Allison

Allison — Fri, 25 May 2018 21:36:52 +0000

What I see in the question from “Fed Up” is a parent who is afraid that their child will not learn to consider others, and is seeing evidence of that in their co-workers. I encountered the concept of “developmentally appropriate, but socially unacceptable” in the context of smaller kids, eg two year olds who bite, but it’s relevant here, too. Fourteen year olds are almost all self-centered. That’s just the developmental stage they’re in. To cope with your own emotions, you kind of have to accept that it’s par for the course and trust that with guidance they’ll grow out of it. Just like with the biting two year old, it’s our job to teach them better behavior. Since “Fed Up” is clearly a thoughtful and engaged parent, I’m sure that’s happening. And David has given some great concrete examples on how to do it.

By: lee

lee — Wed, 23 May 2018 20:21:24 +0000

David, I think you missed the point of the question that “Fed Up” posted…. As I read it, Fed Up was asking how to deal with those fellow workers (bosses as well as cohorts, team members, and subordinates) whose conversations and discussions are based on “I”, “me”, or “my”?

Your response story was a wonderful example and I think all of us are glad that you shared it, but can you do a follow-up. Thanks,

Too Often “Guilty as Charged”

By: Alec Sharp

Alec Sharp — Wed, 23 May 2018 17:28:22 +0000

Wow, I just love this article. I wish it could be given to every helicopter parent out there who is still trying to do it all for their supposedly adult children. It made me want to write down some things I’ve never recorded – apologies for the long reply.
I had some pretty good formative experiences along these lines when I was a teenager, but the most important was working as a steward on a railway out here in BC, starting at the age of 15. I worked Christmas, Easter, and summer for three or four years. We’d work 12 hours or so on the outbound trip, overnight in the bunkhouse with some pretty down to earth (“salt of the earth”) characters, and then return the next day. Two trips one week, one trip the next week. There would be me and a younger helper taking care of up to 48 “dining car” passengers – preparing, serving, and cleaning up after breakfast lunch, and dinner. And also doing “newsie runs” selling coffee, sandwiches, pop, snacks and so on to a lot more “day coach” passengers.
The point of this is that I didn’t have a supervisor hanging over me – my helper and I were on our own, hurtling through the wilderness in an aluminum and steel tube at up to 80 MPH, with 100 or more people to take care of. There were some clear expectations, and the rest was up to us.
I learned a simple formula pretty quickly – the harder I worked, the more money I made. And the time went faster and the passengers and crew were happier. Win-win. We absolutely met and exceeded the company’s expectations, including selling out of all of the product we were boarded with. Then we got ingenious. A simple example – the leftover roast beef from dinner would be quickly turned into sandwiches that we would sell. We also did everything we could for the crew, especially the engineer, so they would make quick stops for us to run into a remote general store to buy bread, mustard, and mayonnaise for our sandwiches. And a treat for the engineer, of course.
This was the experience that turned me into an entrepreneur. Early on, I had a couple of corporate jobs, but, within four years of getting out of university, I was self-employed. 35 years later, I’ve supported a nice life for my family. In my field, I have a global reputation and provide consulting and education to many of the world’s best known companies and institutions. Flying up to 200,000 miles a year has its downsides, but I’m always learning about new businesses, working with smart (and young!) people, and travelling to great destinations. (Utrecht this week, Helsinki next.)
And, more than anything, it’s because I was put on that train with some clear expectations and then left to fend for myself.

By: Kathie Moe

Kathie Moe — Wed, 23 May 2018 16:30:11 +0000

I love the perspective and wisdom that Vital Smarts has to share. It’s great. In this article I would differ on one thing. You don’t have to send your children 1500 miles away to accomplish the independence goals. You said that you didn’t have children. Family is a big deal and honestly what makes life worth living. Keeping the family in close proximity is worth any sacrifice. I found that sending my kid an hour and fifteen minutes away was perfect. He rarely came home, but I could still see him and maintain the relationship. Don’t forsake family, that’s a regret you don’t recover from.

By: Tracy Guo

Tracy Guo — Wed, 23 May 2018 14:08:14 +0000

David -This topic is top of mind as a follow up (crucial) conversation with our daughter is planned for today – I won’t use up blog space or your time with the story, but want you to know I am grateful for your post. Serendipitous.