What do you do when respect is violated time and time again? I have revisited mutual purpose with a peer, but we always end up in the same loop: I feel disrespected and dialogue comes to “a screeching halt.” Because of the disrespect, I go to silence and remain there. What do you do if another continually disrespects you every time you attempt to have a crucial conversation?

Signed, Seeking Respect

Dear Seeking Respect,

I can assure you that you’re not the only one who’s been driven loopy by disrespect. Since the “loop” you describe often shows up in small, intermittent outbreaks at first, the tendency is to tolerate it initially. “It’s just that once,” you tell yourself, “it probably won’t happen again.” Until it does. And then you’re stuck with it—at least that’s the way it feels. And as you well know, repeated violations of respect cause the conversation to come to a halt as we shift to trying to preserve or regain respect.

But for those who understand this axiom, there’s hope: when people don’t feel safe, they don’t dialogue. This is true regardless of how much power you have in any given situation. When you don’t feel safe, you look for ways to use your power to control the outcome. Your silence is an attempt to control a situation in which you don’t feel safe. But if you can make it safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. Which means there’s hope.

Feeling safe in a conversation is a byproduct of feeling a sense of mutuality. In other words, when I believe we have mutual purpose—common goals, objectives, and interests—I’ll enter the conversation. And when I feel that you respect me, I’m willing to continue in a conversation even when it turns crucial. The two conditions are essential to maintaining dialogue in the face of disagreement.

Now while you focused mainly on disrespect in your question, purpose is also important. It’s clear how these two conditions are distinct, but not always as clear as to how they are related. When you work on one, you’re working on the other. So, when you establish mutual purpose, it boosts the feeling of respect you have for the other. And, when there’s mutual respect, it reinforces your sense of mutual purpose. And while you can’t fully address problems of disrespect by establishing mutual purpose, it can be a good place to start. Let me illustrate.

There once was a petite and brilliant analyst named Sun Lee. She was considered the “number whisperer” of her team; she could tame any data set she came across. She discovered her affection for numbers during her younger years in China, fully embraced it during her university studies in the United States, and settled into an organization with plenty of free-range data sets to keep her happily engaged.

On that same team resided a mountain of a man who loved to see data tamed: Frank. Frank led the team. He measured about six foot three inches tall and had spent several years filling in his tall frame so he had enough bulk to block out the sun when he stood over one of his team members. He knew he was imposing and he used his size to get things done—but only when it was necessary. Which was becoming increasingly frequent.

Sun Lee knew this all too well. She had both seen and experienced what everyone referred to as “Frank’s style.” She noticed it was becoming a problem for her team, and more importantly, for herself.

One day, Frank came bursting onto the floor. “Sun Lee! Sun Lee, where are you?!” Sun’s teammates instinctively ducked into their cubicles, opening a clear path for Frank to Sun Lee’s desk. Frank started his tirade when he was twenty-five away, which culminated with a dramatic paper throw-down on her desk. “The numbers are wrong! The numbers are wrong! And if these numbers are wrong, then everything’s wrong!”

Again, the thing that was so unusual about this interaction was that it wasn’t unusual at all. Frank was often disrespectful when problem-solving. And notice here, he and Sun have the same purpose: tame a data set. But Frank’s disrespectful approach put him at cross-purposes with others. (Notice the interplay of purpose and respect in motion.)

As Frank leaned into solving this problem, Sun Lee tried something new. She held up her hand to pause Frank and asked, “Frank, do you want those numbers to be right?” (Notice she’s circling back to mutual purpose here.) “Of course I want those numbers to be right!” he shot back. But she didn’t stop there. She realized that re-establishing mutual purpose would only go so far to rebuild mutual respect. She continued with, “I do too, but the way you’re talking to me doesn’t make me feel like getting those numbers right.” Frank stopped, took a step back, and looked at her. Sun Lee asked a few more questions to better understand the problem, identified the mistake and laid a plan to correct it.

What made her approach effective was that she used mutual purpose to frame the real problem, which wasn’t the numbers but the way she was being treated. She made the lack of respect she was experiencing discussable. Sun Lee started a new pattern with Frank. He learned that he didn’t need to loom and boom to accomplish his purpose. It was a new starting point for the whole team.

See if you can establish mutual purpose to frame a conversation about respect. It won’t necessarily be easy, and it may take a while for your peer to change how he or she dialogues with you. If you find they aren’t able to make a shift, you may need to alter some of the parameters of your relationship, like how and when you interact. And remember, if this is a coworker you’re talking about and you find the situation completely intractable after attempting the conversation, you can always bring in an appropriate HR person to help. Finally, in extreme cases, you may need to consider distancing yourself from this person.

All the best,

Steve

The post What To Do When Someone Repeatedly Disrespects You appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My wife and I have this friend who avoids crucial conversations. It got to a point where so much bad stuff had built up and festered that this individual “put her foot down” and told us “we are changing our friendship,” and “this is how it has to be.” We’ve witnessed a lot of self-absorbed behaviors, like dominating conversations, trying to redirect conversation to what she wants to talk about, and completely ignoring us at social events. Boundaries are being crossed, yet the boundaries are very ambiguous. My wife and I have both read Crucial Conversations. I understand how to create safety to have a conversation and establish Mutual Purpose. But how do we communicate our expectations moving forward, especially if she tries to dictate the terms of our relationship?

Sincerely,
Feeling Bound

Dear Feeling Bound,

As you might suspect, this type of situation requires a significant, sustained effort to address. So before you decide to resolve it, you should ask yourself whether this is a friend you want to have in your life. As you consider the question, I encourage you not to say “yes” just because you’ve been friends up to this point. It’s okay to allow your relationship to change and shift.

If you decide not to remain friends, advice from Maya Angelou might be helpful: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” A “no” means you can stop reading here and back away from the relationship. If, on the other hand, you’ve answered “yes” to the question in question, read on.

First of all, I’m glad you found Crucial Conversations. It offers practical approaches that can make a difference. Let’s start with one skill from the Mutual Purpose skillset: Invent Mutual Purpose. You arrive at this skill once you’ve committed to discover what the other party wants and find a mutual purpose. At this point, you’re ready to define boundaries—though it’s good to double check that you indeed understand what the other person really wants before inventing mutual purpose. And when you’re “inventing,” you’re not just making up purpose arbitrarily. You’re combining your wants with the other’s to come up with something new for the relationship.

Inventing requires effort. It’s not always as simple as merging your individual purposes into one purpose that automatically becomes mutual. It often requires some time to work out. Those who are best at it tend to shift to higher-level, longer-term goals when they become stuck or tempted to compromise, whether values, time, or overall “wants” for the relationship. In practice, this means not getting caught up in negotiating requests like “keep every other Friday open for us,” but rather moving to a higher value like “how can we respect one another’s other commitments and desires and still nurture the relationship?”

A little side-note on compromise. Compromise isn’t necessarily bad, but people often fail to find a more powerful, longer-lasting purpose when they compromise quickly. Working through this all will allow you both to modify and alter your purpose until you both feel good about it. It will also you give you the chance to revisit our initial question: Is this a relationship worth keeping? You may find that your purpose is how to distance yourselves in the healthiest way possible.

Now, if this person doesn’t want to find mutual purpose, it may help to make visible to her what’s currently invisible. Sometimes people don’t see the impact of their behavior, so they continue without regard to how it affects others. You can help see the effects of their behavior by pointing out natural consequences. People don’t always notice all the consequences of their behavior. They act, others respond in a desired way, and that’s all they see. But usually there are multiple consequences, not all of them good.

To successfully inspire a person to change his or her behavior with this skill, you need to show how their behavior is leading to consequences that they find undesirable. In practice, it might sound like, “You may not be aware of this, but when you allow a problem to build up and refuse to talk about it, it makes the problem harder to deal with because there’s a lot more stress and emotions that everyone has to sift through.” You may have to point out different natural consequences before you discover the one, or few, that resonates with the person. And they may need some time to think of things before they are ready to respond.

If you approach this conversation with the intent to understand and love, you’ll compensate for less-than-perfect word choices you might make in the process.

Best of luck,
Steve

The post How to Set Boundaries for a Friendship appeared first on Crucial Learning.

It’s this promise that hooks people in the beginning, but the benefits aren’t solely confined to individual performance enhancement. When GTD is adopted and fully implemented, its benefits extend to those around the individual practitioner. It changes the way the person engages with their own “to-dos,” and, because of that, it changes the way others engage with that person. Over time, it brings about an inside-out transformation. Here’s how.

GTD principles and practices are based on what we do when in the “productive state.” It helps you look inside to understand exactly what to-dos you are trying to manage in your head. It helps you get clarity about what those things mean to you and the effort required to complete them. It helps you organize these things so you can remember them when you need to, and not before. And it helps you ensure you spend time and effort on your highest priorities given your circumstances.

These practices result in more focused attention on your pressing to-dos, better management of time (more time actually doing than worrying about what needs to be done), a feeling of balance between work and life, and time to spend on higher priorities that normally would get pushed aside in favor of urgent tasks. This all naturally follows from looking inside oneself and making appropriate adjustments.

One of the unintended benefits, however, is that when you become clear on what you will and won’t work on, what your priorities are, and how you’ll spend your time, that information gets communicated out to others. They begin to get the message that when you commit to something, you intend to give it the attention it deserves. This communication starts from the moment you Capture things effectively, in which you communicate “I care about doing a good job on this.” It continues when others see you take time to determine Next Actions, which communicates “I intend to follow through with this.” And as you might imagine, when people consistently get these messages, they start to see and interact with you differently.

While you’ll experience many of these inside-out benefits as a natural result of adopting and practicing GTD, there are some things you can do to accelerate their realization.

First, think big, but start small. To fully implement all of GTD into your daily and weekly routines requires time. So, while adopting GTD is your goal, the best place to start is with one skill. Work it into your daily routine until you have a two-week span where you consistently use your new skills. Then add another skill to what you’re already doing. Soon, you’ll be experiencing the inside-out benefits of GTD.

Telegraph your moves. I worked with a manager not long ago who was very skilled at this. She would tell people what she was about to do and then do it. And it was mostly around behavioral expectations. She would say things like, “I’ll review all the ideas we captured tomorrow and drop you an email about what items I can fit into the current workload and which ones will require outside support.” In doing this she established trust and a sense of mutual purpose. People didn’t have to guess at what to expect, or when to expect it.

Activate team support. Take time to talk with your teammates, and perhaps others in the organization, about your GTD system. Ask for their support as you transition to a more efficient and effective way of interacting. For example, one of my colleagues uses email as his primary capture tool. One time, during a meeting, he asked those present to send him all requests via email. He said it was ok to chat about a task in the hallway or breakroom, but that a follow-up email would ensure it got the appropriate attention from him.

When you consistently send these messages, you provide others with information about how to interact with you as well as what to expect in your work. It’s a two-fer—it benefits you and the people around you.

That’s the inside-out benefit that’s waiting for you and your team.

The post An Inside-Out Look at GTD appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A. If you’re like me, you’ve felt unsure and disconnected over the last four months. The COVID-19 pandemic became an all-consuming topic of concern and conversation. Everyone started self-isolating almost overnight, places of work cleared out, travel dropped way off, businesses shut down—everything changed. Then we discovered that it wasn’t going to be a temporary situation that would pass as we hunkered down for a month or two. People’s response to the initial shockwave has been varied—some more effective than others.

Shockwaves like this can cause trauma in people’s lives. They might not recognize it as such, but each disruption, restriction, and change can cause micro-traumas. And while not overwhelming on their own, they have an impact as they start to accumulate. They show up as frustrations, anxieties, helplessness, and, in some cases, anger. How people respond to these crucial moments is the best predictor of what their experience will be in the recovery phase.

During the reaction phase (where I feel many people currently are), people tend to feel disconnected. The nature of how they do their work has shifted and, in some cases, many other aspects of their lives have shifted. People are feeling alone and uncertain.

So, what can you do to as a certified trainer to not only help those you train, but also help your friends, family, and communities to navigate the stress? Here are some tips that might help:

Use your skills to bring comfort. As a certified trainer, you are not limited to the classroom to help people. In a time when everything feels so disconnected, you can help others connect to their new work circumstances by helping them dialogue with colleagues about what to expect from each other. You can help your management teams and co-workers better fulfill their responsibilities to one another and to clients and customers by using your skills to help them adapt and work through the changes. In many cases, you’ve already taught people the skills they need to manage a crisis. You just need to remind them how and where to apply the skills they already have.

Use your after-training resources. One of the easiest ways to remind people is to share the resources that come with each VitalSmarts course. You can share the various articles, podcasts, and instructional videos to help people remember what they learned in class. Some Certified Trainers have shared resources with participants along with a challenge. For example, you might refer people to the post-training tips on the Trainer Zone or share the Keystone Habits from The Power of Habit and ask them to identify what keystone habits help them work from home effectively. You could use the post-training tips sheet on the Trainer Zone from Master Trainer Justin Hale as a refresher for those that have already been through training. You can visit the How Do I Say That? videos on YouTube or download them on the Trainer Zone and share them with your leadership. You can also share Joseph Grenny’s “Be Safe. Feel Safe.” webinar with your management and leadership teams to help them think about their plans in new ways. There are many resources available to you as a trainer that can help you empower others to be prepared and safe.

Use single-point lessons. Create a two-minute video or write a paragraph or two highlighting a single skill along with a single idea on how to apply it. For example, you might highlight the AMPP skills from Crucial Conversations and encourage others to use them to create safety in online meetings when discussing things like racial equality, diversity, or COVID-19 safety and health precautions. Or you might feature Identify Next Actions from GTD so people conclude brainstorm meetings with clear actions they can take. Make these lessons short and provide just a couple of examples of how to apply the skills, and people will find them useful.

Crowdsource it. There are probably many people you have trained who are figuring out how to use their new skills. Previous participants are generally more than happy to share what they have learned about using their skills, so invite them to do so. For example, you might invite people to share how they’re using skills from Influencer to address bias in the workplace, or how they’ve used Make it Motivating from Crucial Accountability to address a performance gap with a remote worker. Once you have some examples, share them with your company. Doing this allows you and your peers to discover new and different ways to apply the skills you’ve learned.

These are just a few ideas to get you thinking about how you can contribute as a trainer, colleague, leader, manager, or family and community member. We’d love to hear other ways you’re helping people connect to the VitalSmarts skills.

Best,
Steve

Have some feedback? Send it to editor@vitalsmarts.com

The post Outside the Classroom: Navigating a National Crisis Using VitalSmarts Skills appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Their leadership team understands that times have changed and that they need to embrace new workplace practices when it’s safe to return to work. They’re a thoughtful group, and it shows in the amount of time and effort they’ve put into to learning about best practices for maintaining workplace safety amidst the coronavirus outbreak. They really want their employees to be safe and feel safe.

After some time researching and crafting a well-thought-out plan, they formatted all their ideas into a memo for public consumption and launched their program, satisfied they had done enough.

“I wonder how long it will be before it takes hold in the organization?” mused one leader as they reflected on their efforts. “No need to wonder!” I responded. “We have a lot of examples of essential businesses that have already gone through this.” I then related the following story.

The other day, one of my good friends and colleagues braved the risks of shopping in a pandemic to stock up on needed essentials. Mask in place, he stepped from the sanctity of his car and moved toward the wild frontier marked “Enter Here.” As he approached the entrance, he couldn’t help but notice a large sign outlining some health and safety guidelines, the primary of which was “No mask, no shopping here.” Pretty clear.

Once inside, however, he found people following a different rule: “No mask, no problem.” Which ended up being a big problem for many customers and employees alike.

But what about the sign right outside the entrance? And how about the other signs throughout the store indicating the same thing? Shouldn’t that be enough? What is enough?

Maybe you’re at the point of launching your own back-to-work plan, or maybe you know someone who is. You may be worried that your plan is fated to low compliance like the retail store mentioned above.

If so, understand that the success of your plan will have very little to do with the plan itself. It could be the greatest plan ever devised, and it could still fall short. Why? It stems from the memo-fication of a plan—when it’s turned into a formal position document and posted in a public place, virtual or physical, with the expectation that the “memo” will prompt employees and customers to follow through on the plan. One retail industry leader summed it up this way during a recent interview: “It shouldn’t be the role of a retail employee to enforce the [rules]. Stores should rely on signs and PA announcements to inform the public of the rules.”1

Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting that leaders who do this are insensitive or uncaring. Many well-intentioned, thoughtful leaders memo-fy the responsibility for plans in an effort to make employees’ lives easier. But in the end, those employees are the ones who suffer most.

It’s tempting for leaders to believe that if they elevate a person’s understanding of an issue, behavior change will follow inevitably. In reality, until you teach your people at all levels to take responsibility for the new plan, it’s doomed to wane while everyone involved whines about it.

Wise leaders take a different track. While most leaders are gearing down once they’ve memo-fied their plan, the best leaders are gearing up. They realize that their people face an overabundance of triggers that initiate a series of auto-pilot behaviors—which, by the way, usually run contrary to the new behaviors they need to adopt. For example, people often leave home without a mask because nothing reminded them to wear a mask. So, by the time they are reminded, at the front door of the store, it’s too late to comply with expected behavior.

Good leaders understand that the memo is not enough to change behavior, and presuming it is leaves employees stuck in an extremely tough position. Employees then feel unprepared to deal with violations, because they ARE unprepared. The memo didn’t work. Not even a second or third reading made it more effective.

Here are some things effective leaders do to help employees take responsibility for a plan, so they’re plan doesn’t slowly succumb to the process of memo-fication.

It starts at the door. Think of your workplace as a unique cultural enclave. Regardless of what’s happening outside of it, focus on what happens inside. One of the best ways to do this is to conduct a trigger audit. Identify the existing triggers of counter-productive behaviors (for example, meeting rooms that would invite close congregation) and add new triggers that make it easy for people to adopt the new behaviors (spaced desks, for example). Design the environment so that it’s easy to remember and enact the new behaviors.

It continues with your people. Have people practice the new behaviors. As McDonald’s prepares to re-open, they’ve designed practice scenarios that help employees take responsibility for themselves and others. They not only practice safe health routines; they also practice what to do when someone else deviates from those routines. And since they expect most of those deviations to come from customers, they’ve developed specific scripts related to customer situations. They understand that it takes people at all levels holding one another accountable to breathe life into any initiative.

It ends with you. Upper management might decide to roll a plan out, but it’s how leaders promote and support the plan that determines whether people will do their part to make it reality. Your people are looking for evidence of your support. It needs to be unmistakably obvious. It’s not enough to voice your support; you have to back that up with actions. Actions like publicly praising those who confront you in a moment you weren’t adhering to agreed-upon behaviors.

Only when you take the responsibility out of the memo and enable your people to take responsibility at all levels will you see real change happen.

¹ “Leaving Employees to Enforce Social Distancing.” Marketplace. Accessed June 8, 2020. https://www.marketplace.org/shows/marketplace-morning-report/employees-social-distancing-businesses-oil-prices-pawnshops/.

The post The Memo-Fication of Responsibility appeared first on Crucial Learning.

In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, I’m trying to be safe by following the health practices outlined by the CDC, WHO, and other officials. I don’t consider myself stringent, nor lax. I feel I am somewhere in between. But apparently that’s not how others see me. My requests for distance have offended others. I try to be kind, and yet people respond in a huff as though I’m an unreasonable jerk. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Conscientious and Confused

Dear Conscientious,

Thank you for your excellent question. I witnessed an incident between a customer and storeowner that perfectly portrays the conflict you’re describing. It started with a curse word. Which was followed by an explanation, along with more curse words. Not to be outdone, the customer retorted with an equally impressive set of curse words, coupled with, well, more curse words. The argument ended with the proprietor demanding that the customer leave his establishment—immediately!

I watched this interaction between proprietor and customer transpire in less time than it takes to microwave popcorn. Did it have to end this way? No. Did either want it to end this way? Probably not. Yet, both felt justified in his response, and might respond the same way again, if faced with a similar situation.

Unfortunately, since the arrival of the novel coronavirus and the measures people are taking to contain it, this type of interaction has become more common. It seems the precautionary measures themselves aren’t so controversial, but where and how they are applied can be. It turns out that different people have different risk-tolerance levels and different ideas of risk, which leads to opportunities for conflict.

In 2015, VitalSmarts conducted a study looking at how unconscious bias contributes to conflict, and whether it’s possible to reduce its impact. And while that particular study was about unconscious gender bias, we also have unconscious biases about health and hygiene.

We learned from that 2015 study that we can reduce the influence of unconscious bias on behavior by explicitly framing certain situations.

Framing is the act of sharing background and rationale for one’s behavior in order to dispel assumptions—or biases—about it. It’s useful for dealing with a broad or vague context where behavior can be misinterpreted. The broad context in the case of COVID-19 is the everyday interaction between people. By expressing your purpose and motive for specific health-related behaviors, you clear up unknowns that might otherwise allow unconscious bias to generate misunderstanding.

While there are different frames you could use, let me offer two that might be particularly useful in the event you decline to shake someone’s hand, ask a guest to cough into their arm, invite someone to remain on the porch, or follow some other COVID-related health practice.

The Behavioral Frame: With a behavioral frame, you signal to others what you intend to do, and then you proceed to do it. This frame helps remove the surprise that often accompanies unanticipated actions. Instead of leaving the person to their own potentially inaccurate interpretation of your actions, you provide context up front. For example, the cursing cousins we started with might have had a more fruitful exchange had one led with, “Just so you know, we’re wiping down all the counters and doorknobs after anybody touches them to ensure these common areas stay germ-free. So, I’m going to disinfect this display case after you’re done looking.”

The Value Frame: The value frame highlights the “why” of your actions. While your values are readily apparent to you, they typically aren’t to others. So, help them understand what your actions mean to you and how they relate to less obvious values. As with the retail altercation described above, we often resort to this frame after a situation has escalated, which can have the effect of a guilt trip. Instead, try leading with it. It might sound something like, “It might seem excessive to you, but I’m taking extra precaution to keep the area and myself sanitized because I have a three-year-old-daughter who’s in the high-risk category.”

As you find yourself in these types of situations in the days and weeks to come, remember you don’t have to choose between keeping yourself safe and keeping friends. Choose both. Use a behavior frame, a value frame, or both to help yourself and others avoid rash judgements and conflict.

Good luck,
Steve

The post How to Keep Your Distance <em>and</em> Your Friends appeared first on Crucial Learning.

What do you say to your manager in order to move from a level two to a level three? How do you talk about career advancement and convince them you are ready for the next step?

Signed,
Moving On Up

Dear Moving,

Oh, yes. The “level-up” conversation. You want to show that you’re serious about moving upward in the organization. It will likely take significant work on your part to make this happen.

First of all, you need to understand that your manager is always evaluating your performance against certain criteria—sometimes explicitly and sometimes implicitly. So, start by doing your homework. Show your boss that you’re serious by taking the initiative to do some research before you talk with him or her about your goal. Many organizations have written job descriptions and success criteria for different roles. Find out what your organization has in place, and make sure to research both your current position as well as the position you hope to gain. Existing KPIs or other similar measures can be useful to get a better picture of role criteria. You may also want to talk to the person who has the role you aspire to—especially when no formal document exists.

Once you’ve collected this information, evaluate yourself against both your role and the new role. Assessing your current performance will help you determine whether you can present a good case for promotion to your manager. Assessing yourself against the expectations of the role you seek will give you a sense of your potential.

Next, arrange to have an exploratory conversation with your boss. With your pre-work in hand, outline what you were able to find and ask your boss to identify any additional criteria you may have missed. Make sure to discuss where you are currently meeting those criteria and where you are falling short (this is where having done an honest self-assessment will come in handy). As you listen, take notes and continue to invite your boss’s feedback until he or she doesn’t have anything else to add.

You may find as a result of this exploration that you meet enough of the criteria to warrant a promotion. If that’s the case, it’s time for an open, direct conversation with your boss about moving into the new role, or a conversation about why you aren’t being considered for the role. If you have to navigate this latter discussion, make sure you spend as much time inquiring about your boss’s perspective as you do advocating your own.

If done well, this exploratory conversation should give you a pretty clear picture of what it will take to move to the next level. Next, you’ll need to do the work to demonstrate that you are ready for the promotion. And as you start into that work, I’ve found it helpful to convey intentions. Let me explain.

One of my favorite sayings is “It’s hard to talk your way out of a situation you behaved your way into.” When there is incongruity between what you say and what you do, people start to question your ability and integrity. The good news is that the contrapositive is true: it’s relatively easy to behave your way out of a situation you talked yourself into.

What I mean is this: when you align your actions with your words, you convey a sense of reliability and trust. So, the most effective thing you can do once you have the criteria for promotion is to let your boss know what you intend to do, and then do it.

Remember to break your plan into small, actionable segments so it’s doable. And make sure that each of those segments has a direct, explicit connection to your overall goals and objectives.

While following this process doesn’t guarantee the promotion you seek, it does provide a framework you can use to surface less obvious performance criteria, create a reasonable action plan, and build a reputation as a person who delivers.

Good luck. I hope your next correspondence is under a new title.
Steve

The post How to Talk with Your Manager About a Promotion appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My husband is being bullied at work by a manager and feels he has only two choices: put up with the bullying until he retires or report it and go through a long process that will result in emotional exhaustion and potentially worse bullying. We have seen other members report bullying with the appropriate HR channels, only to leave their jobs in debt and depressed. I am an HR manager with a private company but feel powerless to advise my husband. He has limited job opportunities due to his age. I feel as stuck as my husband. What conversations should I be having?

Sincerely,
Wanting to Help

Dear Wanting to Help,

It’s only slightly more painful to feel stuck than to watch someone you care about experience the same thing. Some years back, my father was being bullied at work. I was surprised that anyone would bully him. He was a good employee and very likeable. He also was capable of dealing with tough situations, so I figured he’d be able to work things out. But things didn’t go as I’d expected.

His attitude toward work soon changed. Where he once found a sense of community and fulfillment, he now felt isolated and disengaged. And his new demeanor wasn’t limited to the workplace; he started bringing it home with him to share with the family.

The good news is that things finally did resolve. But it took a toll on someone I consider a strong, capable human being, and whom I love. Here are some lessons I learned by watching my father go through this experience.

First, these situations always resolve. Sometimes they work themselves out, and other times they require significant intervention. But they do resolve. There is hope. For those stuck in a seeming “unresolvable” circumstance like this, the question you need to be asking yourself is “How can I participate in resolving this situation?”

When bullied we feel cornered, powerless, trapped—stuck! And when we feel stuck, we tend to react in ways that make the problem worse. This is why people commonly recommend “just live with it.” It’s why we often resort to silence in crucial moments. In the case of my father, he decided to “gut it out.” He would respond to the bully with kindness and respect. Yet every time he showed kindness, the bully further tormented him. And so, the situation worsened.

As you might imagine, this had a debilitating effect on my dad. It was hard for me to watch. He started to lose hope that the situation would change, or that he could do anything to make a difference. In the end, he stopped looking for alternative approaches and, in essence, gave up any semblance of control.

Relief finally came when he realized he still had control over how he responded to the bully. He came to understand that just because his first option for dealing with the bully didn’t work didn’t mean he couldn’t try something else. For him, realizing he still had a choice made all the difference.

I found out some time later that my mom was the driving factor in this process of regaining hope. She would listen as my dad would describe what he was experiencing. She’d empathize, ask questions, and help him evaluate possible solutions (this my dad found most helpful). Having a thinking partner helped him process options more objectively and helped him adjust his approaches when they weren’t working. But the various approaches weren’t as important as realizing that there were alternative approaches available to him.

My mom soon realized that while my dad felt support at home, he didn’t at work. He felt isolated and alone—the perfect conditions for a bully. She also realized that in order for my dad to retain hope and resolve the situation, he would need to build a support network at work.

Perhaps this is how you can help your husband.

Are there co-workers who feel similarly that can help? My team once consulted at a hospital where the nurses came up with a key word they could use when being bullied. When someone said the word, all the nurses around would immediately move to the side of the person being bullied to support them.

Are there other leaders in your husband’s organization that could help? Would filing a complaint with HR, even an anonymous one, be the first step . . . or even the needed corroborating fact? There is strength in numbers, so help your husband explore ways he can band together with his peers.

Think of it like this: (1) the situation can be resolved, (2) there are always options, (3) enlist supporters.

I hope these suggestions help you as you consider how to work with and support your husband through this difficult situation.

Best of luck,
Steve

The post How To Help Your Loved One Face a Bully appeared first on Crucial Learning.

When identifying styles under stress (silence or violence) how do we confront them without “calling someone out” inappropriately? In another Crucial Skills post that I read recently, the author recommended that we address silence and in one example suggested we might say something like “I saw you roll your eyes when (name) stated they were understaffed.” I feel that if I were to do this in almost any setting, I would get a “violent” response for calling someone out. I know there is more work involved to create a safe space, but how do I address silence with the intent to foster communication without making someone uncomfortable?

Sincerely,
Reluctant to Address Silence

Dear Reluctant,

Many years ago, when I was yet a Crucial Conversations neophyte, I learned an important “reality” lesson courtesy of my wife.

After my first Crucial Conversations course, I was ready to change the world—one conversation at a time. And in my view, it didn’t matter which one: all conversations could be improved. So, I set out, resolved to make the world (or at least my world) a better place, starting with my family. With my wife, to be exact.

It all happened on a Saturday, which started out safe enough, but didn’t stay that way for long. My wife, Margaret, and I were running some errands. Specifically, we needed to go to the grocery store and the bank. We were closer to the store than the bank, but we needed to go to the bank first. “Great,” I thought, “this will be a perfect time to practice a skill in a non-crucial situation. I’ll try out Contrasting. I’ll clarify, the car will swell with safety, we’ll get our errands done, and everybody will be better off.” And so, I began, “Margaret . . . I don’t want you to think I don’t want to go to the store (good start—got the “don’t” part). I do. I just want to go to the bank first (followed by the “do” part and victory).”

She didn’t say anything right away, which I had counted on. I mean, I figured that most people would take a moment to appreciate the skill as well as the delivery.

“What did you just say?” I could tell immediately from her tone that it wasn’t one of those hey-that-was-so-powerful-can-you-say-it-again types of responses. I sensed I was in trouble, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. I had used the skills. I was being open and respectful. Why wasn’t it working?

Fortunately, I’m usually able to pivot pretty quickly when I find myself in these types of situations. So, I immediately replied, “Nothing.” Which, as you can imagine, only made matters worse.

“Nothing? I knew we were going to go the bank first. I wasn’t even thinking about any of that until you mentioned it.” Now I knew I was in trouble. I was still trying to collect my wits when she said, “Have you been learning something new at work??”

In an effort to practice, improve conversations, and provide clarity, I had made things worse. Much worse!

Now, this is where things can get interesting for people. If you’ve ever been in this type of situation, you can appreciate the position I was in. My wife was providing me with some feedback—some pretty strong feedback. She didn’t appreciate being a guinea pig for what I was researching at work, and so what started as seemingly harmless practice turned into a real crucial conversation. And it is really easy to interpret her response as an indication that Crucial Conversations skills don’t work. At least not with her. So easy, in fact, that many draw this conclusion. My partner, colleague, friend, relative, or whoever responded poorly, so it must be the skills that are causing them to bristle. In reality, a number of different things could be going on.

Since this exchange, I’ve had some time to reflect on what went down that day and why. Hopefully my lesson can be to your benefit.

Consider Your Delivery

When I finally talked through what I was doing and why, Margaret said, “Well it just sounded so skill-y.” And she was right. It was the first time I was trying things out, and it took a little while to find words that sounded more natural. For me, it has been helpful to overtly broadcast my intentions. With Contrasting, for example, that means saying things like “I’d like to point out what I do and don’t intend here so there’s no misunderstanding” before delivering the contrasting statement. In the example you raise—addressing silence—think about the delivery. Talk tentatively. Convey positive intent.

Consider Their Current State

Sometimes others aren’t expecting a more open, honest approach and it catches them off guard. Or they are in such a heightened emotional state that they need to allow the chemicals in their body time to dissipate before they engage. A poor response tells you where that person is emotionally. Learn to look. Explore others’ paths. If someone is in a heightened emotional state, you might wait to address the topic, or arrange a time to do so privately.

Identify the Impact

The greatest benefit I’ve realized from Crucial Conversations skills is that they help me not become part of the problem. When I’m anchored in the principles that guide the skills, I tend to lead and respond with my better self. They don’t make me perfect, but they sure help me respond better. I suspect that with continued practice you’ll see a similar impact in your life.

Don’t misinterpret the pain and discomfort you experience during a crucial conversation. When you’re able to consider a broader range of drivers, you’ll be better positioned to make the improvements necessary to shift how you respond. When you run into strong reactions, ask for feedback to understand what’s really driving those responses. The skills are there to help you address silence candidly and respectfully.

As always, good luck, and I look forward to hearing about your experiences.

Good luck,
Steve

Want to master these crucial skills? Attend one of our public training workshops in a city near you. Learn more at www.vitalsmarts.com/events.

The post Do Crucial Conversations Skills Make Others Defensive? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I am the Operations Manager for a small startup that produces caramels. I also wear many other hats, which include doing office administration, HR, and finance work. The business owner is very hands-on but is not clear about goals or priorities. Many projects are started but never completed. We have a young, inexperienced staff, including myself and the owner. I have asked for training courses, as well as clear goals and priorities, but nothing really changes. I’m starting to feel burned out. With the ever-changing goals and priorities, it seems like the work I do isn’t valuable. To top it all off, the owner is my brother, so I feel a deep responsibility to be truthful with him. I don’t own any of the company, so he has the final say. I just want to see us succeed and I’m concerned about our trajectory. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Yep, you’re stuck—and not in the good way that comes from biting into a delicious caramel. You’re stuck in the way that keeps you up at night trying to figure out what to do.

Some years back, a young woman showed up in one of my training sessions. She approached me during a break and asked me how she could use some of the skills. First, she asked how she might apply the skills with her dad. Then she asked about using them with the CEO of her small company. We chatted strategy for a moment. Then she asked, “And what if my dad is the CEO?” Aha.

Addressing challenges with coworkers who are relatives becomes a little trickier because you can’t just leave problems and issues at work; dinner often turns into an impromptu work meeting, and disagreements at work can quickly turn personal. The woman in question, for example, perhaps like you, was also dealing with behavior patterns resulting from years of set roles, structures, and other familial interactions—things unrelated to work, but related to, well, being related. I’ll share with you the tips I shared with her. Consider them suggestions to chew on, if you will.

Establish a Weekly Meeting

Establish a standing weekly one-on-one meeting with your brother. If you already have one, great. If you don’t already have one, you may find it somewhat difficult to get time from a person who’s incredibly busy. You might suggest starting with a 30-minute weekly meeting or ask if he’d be willing to “just try it” to see how it goes. Once you get your meeting, turn your mind to what you’ll focus on in the meeting.

Introduce a Framework

An individual’s work style has a huge impact on those around him or her, especially when that person is the CEO. In your brother’s case, I think it would be helpful to introduce him to the Perspective vs Control matrix, found in David Allen’s Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity.

“For many years I have been teaching about the horizontal and vertical aspects of productivity. ‘Horizontal’ represents the ability to quiet distractions and maintain a complete and total inventory of things to do across the whole spectrum of our day-to-day engagements. ‘Vertical’ represents the ability to view what you’re doing from the appropriate horizon and to shift your focus as required.”

David says the “horizontal” axis relates to control—control of tasks, projects, and overall efforts—while the “vertical” axis relates to perspective—the ability to identify new opportunities, incorporate vision, and set priorities. People operate on both axes in either a high or low capacity. Thus, various work styles can be represented as a matrix. This matrix helps people see their operating styles, as well as how those styles impact others around them.

Low Control and Low Perspective: The Victim

A person here is driven by the latest and loudest, tossed about by every task or project that comes his or her way.

High Control and Low Perspective: The Micromanager

We can probably all think of someone that falls into this quadrant. This person focuses on details as the means and the ends.

Low Control and High Perspective: The Crazy Maker

Sounds like your brother may fit into this category. People in this quadrant have ideas—lots of them. They often dream up more than they’re able to do, so they often overcommit themselves and those around them.

High Control and High Perspective: The Master and Commander

As the name suggests, a person living in this quadrant is best positioned to meet new opportunities in a controlled and measured way.

So, step one is to share this with your brother. Create a matrix based on control and perspective, then discuss which quadrant(s) you and he fit into. Then discuss how your work styles affect each other, the team, and the organization. People often find that while they may move from quadrant to quadrant, they tend to work in a particular mode based on roles and responsibilities. I’m guessing this will be the case for both you and your brother.

Hopefully this process of making your operating styles visible will be useful as you discuss how things are compared to how they could or should be and what you can do about it.

Good luck,
Steve

Want to master these crucial skills? Attend one of our public training workshops in a city near you. Learn more at www.vitalsmarts.com/events.

The post One Simple Strategy to Improve Workplace Productivity appeared first on Crucial Learning.