Thanks Shawnda. I’m sorry you went through that and the fact that you got out of it is encouraging. My question in this context is about providing consequences, especially financial ones. If she keeps asking us to help her pay for emergency housing or food or transportation as a result of her choices around this, what should we do? On the one hand, DV can isolate you so you don’t have many friends. Her family may be the only ones she can turn to in the end. But, she is in need of emergency resources because she keeps making the choices she makes. Are we enabling her to keep making those choices? Is enabling defined in the same way when you’re dealing with someone who is addicted to substances vs “addicted” to another person? It’s a real moral dilemma for me because allowing natural consequences to take their course could mean death. Death could be the “natural consequence.” And if that’s the case, tough love doesn’t seem to be the right approach.

Heather, to me, reading this paragraph is like you’ve written a paragraph for my personal memoirs. As a previous victim of DV, I can unfortunately tell you that all you can do is make yourself available if she ever decides to leave.

If you try to push her into leaving him, you’ll likely only push her away. DV is an incredibly complex problem and it’s never as easy as “why doesn’t she just leave”.

I went back to my b/f after the courts put him in jail after an altercation with me. I can’t tell you the guilt I felt about him going to jail “because of me”. I know now that’s not the case, but in that time, I felt I had let him down.

The emotional and psychological impact of being in an abusive situation is overwhelming at times. Many people tried to help me and get me out of the relationship, but until I truly believed in my soul that he was going to kill me if I didn’t leave, I kept trying.

I did get free, it was the best decision of my life and I know for a fact I would have died had I stayed. I say this not to further frighten you about your daughter’s situation, but maybe to help you see that sometimes, we do see the truth and find the ability to break free.

I encourage you to do as much research as you can into the psychology of abuse victims. I know it’s frustrating to watch a family member make horrible and dangerous choices over and over again, but all you can do is provide unwavering support and do your best not to judge.

Sad to say you can only provide a safe living space get her into counseling (if she’ll go) and hope the next time he beats her he won’t kill her but she’ll realize he could have and cut the connection. Hope things go well for her and you.

Thanks Ann – she has already been in a domestic violence shelter once. The boyfriend was sent to jail and now he’s out. She still thinks there’s a chance he could have changed. How many times will he need to beat her up before she leaves him for good? It’s that kind of situation. And watching her continue that pattern knowing that often these kinds of situations lead to the woman being killed…what do I do as a parent?

If there is a shelter for battered women you might try that. Some of them have counseling and support from other women that might reach her where your advice may not. She’d be safe but not enabled.