Comments on: Advice for the Parents of the Marshmallow Eaters https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Fri, 28 Apr 2017 19:14:26 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: CFM https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5632 Fri, 28 Apr 2017 19:14:26 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5632 So I love this article and all the comments, but lets suppose you never used these great ideas with your kids and now they are in their late teens early 20’s and you want to teach them these concepts about lying and delayed gratification. ??

]]> By: Kathy Slattengren https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5631 Tue, 28 Feb 2017 21:12:45 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5631 In reply to davidmaxfield.

Unfortunately many parents hit their kids because they don’t have better tools.

I also realized that if the parent jumps right to the consequence … they are breaking the Crucial Skills process where facts and the stories they are telling themselves is presented tentatively.

What if they learn that their daughter sent them a text (which they hadn’t seen) telling them she was going to Tanner’s house because she and Sarah were done with the homework? Or what if she left them a note on the kitchen table they missed saying she was going to Tanner’s instead of Sarah’s house?

It reminds me of the story told in Crucial Conversations book about the wife jumping to the conclusion that her husband is having an affair after seeing a credit card charge from a local hotel. There was another explanation … but she made the situation much worse by jumping to conclusions.

]]> By: davidmaxfield https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5630 Tue, 28 Feb 2017 19:25:24 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5630 In reply to Kathy Slattengren.

Kathy, I like your approach to dealing with the lie. It puts the child into a new kind of problem-solving situation–rebuilding trust. And I like the idea of having her write out her plan.
I agree that hitting a child is not an effective way to build discipline. I did not take the “stripes” comment literally. But, it’s important to check, right?

]]> By: Kathy Slattengren https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5629 Fri, 24 Feb 2017 19:45:01 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5629 I would also suggest not immediately imposing my consequence on the daughter. I’d start off with “I called Sarah’s house and learned you were at Tanner’s. What’s going on?” Let her explain. Next discuss your feelings about being misled and ask her how she plans to rebuild your trust. Ask her to write out a plan – what happened, why she made the choices she did and how she will make amends. Once she creates her plan, talk it over and add additional consequences if needed. By having her figure out how to make amends, she does the majority of the thinking and is likely to learn more from her mistake.

I’m also concerned with the parent’s description of the son who confesses and “take his stripes”. This leads me to believe that the parent is hitting the child as punishment. Hitting kids is never OK. Hitting is punishment but what you really want is discipline: https://www.pricelessparenting.com/punishment-versus-discipline

]]> By: J. Nielsen https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5628 Thu, 23 Feb 2017 22:32:53 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5628 “One of my sisters-in-law uses a parenting skill I admire. Suppose her fourth-grade daughter comes in and asks, “Can I go to Mary’s birthday party on Saturday?” Her mom won’t give her an answer right away. Instead, she’ll say, “Convince me,” and then help her daughter make the case. She’s teaching her children how to influence her and allowing them to succeed when it makes sense. As her children have grown into their teenage years and beyond, they’ve maintained this kind of open and honest dialogue with their mother—in part, I think, because they are confident they can influence her.”

I love the statement “Convince me” because it is open-ended. This way children are taught not to fear asking a question or questions that could result in a closed-ended answer. They are also being taught to think logically, to reason, and weigh the pros and cons of their request.

What a brilliant way to teach values and solid judgment to a child!

]]> By: davidmaxfield https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5627 Wed, 22 Feb 2017 19:21:34 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5627 In reply to Michelle Atterby.

That’s an interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing it. I agree that I have twin goals: a.) find out why she lied and b.) convince her that lying to me is never a good solution. I guess I do want to teach her that lying to me will bring punishment. I will impose a consequence, either before or after seeking information about why she lied. Starting with the consequence, and making sure it’s appropriate, gets it out of the way–so it’s not a second shoe waiting to drop.

What do others think?

]]> By: Michelle Atterby https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5626 Wed, 22 Feb 2017 18:40:57 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5626 David I do agree with your perspective that children lie as a form of faulty problem solving. However, from a parent’s perspective that has always practiced positive parenting I do not agree with the solution you proposed in your example. If I am genuinely curious about why my child lied then I want to enter the conversation with understanding, curiosity and a desire to help them in developing better problem solving skills. In your example you suggest a punitive method. This is more likely to shut your child down into defensiveness before there is any opportunity to find out the ‘why’ she lied. You’ve just taught her that lying equals punishment. Consequences first, explanation second. Rather, to enter the conversation with the intention of creating a safe container that she can reveal to you, her reasons for lying and offer reflective listening. Now you are building trust, safety and conversation, which is more likely to stay with her when she considers lying as an option next time. Consequences are natural, but how we set them up can have positive or negative outcomes.

]]> By: Editor https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5625 Wed, 22 Feb 2017 18:01:26 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5625 In reply to Ranae McKenzie.

Excellent idea, Ranae. Here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUr2IPd4MQU&index=29&list=PL114AB9079C66B3C9

]]> By: Jean Marie Lescohier https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5624 Wed, 22 Feb 2017 17:51:31 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5624 Marshmallow-Dad probably has a lot on his plate. He sounded like he expects unsatisfactory behavior from his daughter. And then he holds his son up to compare her to. If he tried a bit of your sister-in-laws “convince me” with her it might help.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
JML

]]> By: Ranae McKenzie https://cruciallearning.com/blog/advice-for-the-parents-of-the-marshmallow-eaters/#comment-5623 Wed, 22 Feb 2017 14:18:11 +0000 http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskills/?p=6694#comment-5623 Could you leave a link to the marshmallow experiment video for those who have not seen it to watch?

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