I think that’s an important insight. We often carry burdens around thinking we’re alone, that our child is different, or their behavior is way out of the norm of what other experience. Simply knowing you’re not alone is a comfort. And so many times, I get good advice from people around me.

good luck

This actually happened to my sister when she was in 1st grade. The school mis-diagnosed dyslexia as an unmotivated learner. The teacher kept trying to tell her how important it was to do well, which in the end, created guilt instead of motivation because she was trying hard but not achieving. Once she got the right diagnosis, and the support she needed, she was able to excel in her classwork.

Very welcome.

I think you missed the mark.

I am a huge fan of Crucial Conversations. I own all the books and I talked them up often.

Perhaps it is not what the child wants but what the parent wants that needs to be examined. In the article nothing was discussed about the parent putting the parent’s desires on the child.

Is it that the child needs to succeed in school? First of all what is succeed and what is success?

I had a similar situation with my youngest child, my only son. He muddled his way through grade school not turning in completed home work, reading material but not participating in class, etc.

When my son finally reached middle school he leaned more toward the D than C range but did manage to mix up his grades with both C’s and D’s. Several attempts were made to accommodate study habits, desk, lighting, adjusting sleep, etc…

My wife and I decided we needed to talk to him on a very serious level; and we did.

First and foremost we drove home the fact that we loved him dearly and that no matter what happened in his life we would always love him. And this was a considerable portion of the conversation.

We then began down the path of his education. We explained what we wanted to do was support him with what he wanted to do in life. We pointed out that some people become lawyers; some people become doctors, scientists, engineers, and so on. We pointed out that becoming a doctor required that he begin in earnest at this time in his life and this may seem absurd but if good study habits and A’s especially in the sciences were not achieved he would never succeed on this path. We discussed other educational majors and requirements that employers place on good candidates.

However, we pointed out, the world would not and will not function without McDonald’s sandwich makers or store managers. We stressed that this would be a very honorable vocation. We pointed out that during a working life things like benefits are very favorable and if he should choose to not attend college or finish his high school he could earn a living at something like a restaurant chain. We stressed national chain that offered benefits and training that mom and pop shops do not offer. We pointed out that his vocation would not change our love for him and we would respect him no matter what his choice.

We pointed out that what he would lose was freedom should he choose not to pursue a college education; more specifically freedom to choose a job or location to live and eventually freedom to purchase some items he may desire but that material wealth is not life.

We returned to the fact that we would support him no matter what he decided to do with his education and life; that we would love him no matter what. The world needs good grill cooks and he could probably become a very good grill cook and work for a national change for his entire career and retire from a position of this nature.

We on to point out that if a solid education including a college degree was achieved he would have much more latitude to choose employment and location to live. We stressed at this point that social work degrees offer less opportunity than say geology. We pointed out that something like chemistry or engineering offered a greater vocation opportunity… on it went until we ended with the concept that college careers and many professional careers begin at middle school and once again we were at his disposal to assist in whatever he needed.

The most important thing is we were very serious and very professional. We treated him with respect and never once diminished his character.

We ended with the decision is yours and your life is in your hands.

We have never re-visited this conversation with our son. He finished middle school inducted in the scholastic hall of fame with a 4.0 grade average. He graduated high school as valedictorian with a perfect 4.0 grade average. He finished a 5 year chemical engineering degree and landed a contract to work for a global manufacturer 6 months prior to his graduation from college.

It was neither my desire nor my wife’s desire. It had to be his desire.

Your story smacks of the parents desire for the child and not once did anyone ask what the child wanted to do.

Ron Buchenroth

Thanks to everyone for all the other suggestions. You’ve given me energy to keep fighting.