We run into this problem a lot, and I’m intrigued by the idea of focusing on the pattern rather than the immediate issue. We have trouble with getting prioritization because we have no stick in my department – there’s no downside if they don’t prioritize us.
But I do wonder if I come to them and say hey, we’ve had a pattern of this issue and want to figure out a workable solution because we both think this situation is bad, maybe we can come up with something.
Thanks for the idea.

My original suggestion was to take the spotlight off of yourself, your individual project, and your manager. Instead, I suggested you put the spotlight on the process. If people understand the process and believe that following it is in their interest, then they will hold each other accountable, and you won’t have to play the heavy.

But what if the situation makes status and position as important as knowledge and expertise? Janet describes a case where the messenger is just as important as the message.

Or what if the problem is a boss who undermines you? The third writer describes a manager who contradicts her, tells others they don’t report to her, and blames her for his own shortcomings.

First, I want us to remind ourselves that the most common mistake we make is to give up too soon. We need to guard against our own victim, villain, and helpless stories—the clever stories that let us off the hook for trying to solve a situation. When we give up we’re left with two unappealing options: a.) We can hunker down and try to ignore the problem. This approach makes us co-conspirators in the very problem we detest. b.) We can leave the organization or relationship. This approach may be costly in many ways—but may work out in the long run.

But I’m not ready to give up yet, and here’s why. Each of the three comments paints a picture of a boss in trouble. Whatever it is that your boss is doing—it isn’t working for him or her. If you can find a solution that makes your boss’s life better, he or she might leap to embrace it.

I’ll suggest spending some more time defining the problem—using our CPR skill. CPR stands for Content, Pattern, and Relationship.

Content: The immediate problem, incident, or experience. (Example: “Senior leaders aren’t returning my calls or following through on their commitments. This is causing my project to suffer.”)

Pattern: The pattern of similar problems or experiences you’ve seen over time. (Example: Senior leaders expect to meet with someone at their level. It’s not that they are questioning my expertise, but they want to work with someone who has the authority to make key policy and budget decisions.”)

Relationship: How the relationship is involved with the problem (Example: “When you send me to meet with a senior leader it signals to them that you think this is a purely technical project. But they see it as a policy issue. They aren’t ready to talk to me about how to do it until they’ve talked to you about whether to do it. When you don’t come to the meeting they feel disrespected and won’t cooperate.”)

Often we make the mistake of focusing on Content, when the real problem is either Pattern or Relationship. There is a good chance that your boss doesn’t understand the Pattern and Relationship challenges you both are facing. All your boss sees is the immediate Content, and you’re a convenient scapegoat for that. But your boss’s failure to solve the Pattern and Relationship issues is hurting him or her, not just you. If you can frame the real problem, maybe your boss will find a way to become your partner.

Note: Of course “communication” is not always the appropriate solution. Sometimes we need to escape a bad or dangerous situation; other times we need to take immediate action. And we can’t save every relationship every time. But we can save far more than we might think.

I appreciate the information you provided; however, I agree with the previous comments in that I don’t believe you addressed the issue. I have been regularly put in a position similar to the one described in the letter. In my situation, my supervisor hired me as a manger, yet I have recently learned that he has for years been telling others in our organization that they are not responsible to me. He also regularly contradicts my efforts when put on the spot by others, even though he has specifically asked me to accomplish these tasks. I’ve have tried numerous times to hold crucial conversations with my boss only to be repeatedly undermined. Sadly, along with the person who posed the question, I am at the end of my rope. I feel that I am a better person for having learned some of the crucial conversation skills; however, I feel constant failure for being unable to find means to bring forth honesty from the other person in the conversation. Regularly being held accountable for items which I am not permitted the means to accomplish is ruining my career while providing my boss a perfect place to place blame for his own shortcomings. Are there times when crucial conversations just aren’t enough?

Having been in this situation more than once, the real issue is about position and authority. No matter how good one’s leadership skills are, if you are working with people in higher positions or who may think they are in a higher position, they see no reason to participate. I’m thinking that they are feeling, “well, if her manager thinks this is so important, why isn’t he/she here? And why should I be here?” Then, these same people will send a substitute and then nobody has the authority to make decisions. The project is often stalled or comes to a complete standstill.

One of my managers said, “It doesn’t matter what your position is or what salary you make when leading a group.” I asked him if he would like to demote and take on the task. He sheepishly declined.

Could you address this issue?

Thank you,

Janet Elizabeth Peters