For the past several months I’ve been working on a project in collaboration with a director from another department. A chief of staff has expressed concern about why it’s taking so long and has inserted herself into the process. She’s trying to help, but her way of managing the situation is to communicate with me and the director separately via email. Once I realized this, I responded to her and copied the director so we’d all be on the same page. In her NEXT email, the chief of staff indicated she had again communicated with us separately. I’m flummoxed about how to address this. How do I let the chief of staff know that splitting communications results in lack of shared understanding, a sense of powerlessness, and decreased collaboration and unity, even though it may be efficient for her to complete tasks?

Signed,
Left Out

Dear Left Out,

You have found yourself in a classic quandary of show versus tell. You have a concern with chief of staff’s behavior. In a respectful, subtle, unobtrusive way, you have attempted to show her a better way of communicating (“See how I copied in the director on this message? That’s the way we should communicate, hint, hint!”). But dang it all, she didn’t get it, and nothing has changed.

George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Too often we think we have communicated—we’ve hinted, implied, nudged, jested, or gestured. Surely the other person understands us! Thus, when they don’t respond, change, or agree, we become alternatively flummoxed (how can they be so ignorant?) or frustrated (how can they be so obstinate?).

You ask how you should address this. The answer is straightforward—have a candid and respectful conversation. It’s time to move from showing (“hint, hint”) to telling (“let’s talk about what is happening here”).

While the what is simple, the how can seem complex. Here are three tips for how to hold a candid and respectful conversation when someone’s behavior is impacting you.

Be Clear

No more beating around the bush. You need to explicitly articulate two things: what you want to talk about (her pattern of communicating individually rather than collectively) and why you want to talk about it (your positive intent to create a collaborative team for the good of this project and future projects). Being clear about the first helps the chief of staff understand exactly what your concern is and respond to it. Being clear about the second helps build the psychological safety that every conversation needs.

It might sound like:

“I’d like to talk about a communication pattern I have noticed that I think might be getting in the way of our collaboration and maybe even our performance. I know this project is important to both of us and we are invested in its success. I often find it more helpful if we can all communicate on the same message threads so that we are operating with the same information and a shared understanding. I have noticed that you have sent several emails either to me or my director individually.”

Be Curious

This is where most of us fall short in our conversations. We come in with a conclusion firmly fixed (yours seems to be that splitting communication is a bad approach leading to all manner of negative outcomes). Our goal in the conversation then is to tell the other person why we are right, and they are wrong. Yet we know from hard experience that those conversations never go well.

I would suggest that this is not a “I am right; you are wrong” conversation. This should be a conversation about “How can we best work together to accomplish our shared goals?” You have a way of working and communicating that you are confident will help you accomplish the goal. Presumably, the chief of staff is equally confident that her way of working will accomplish the goal. Yet how can that be when you have totally different ways of doing it? One of you must be wrong, right?

In theory, we know that there can be a range of effective approaches to the same situation. In practice, we struggle to see beyond our own proven approach. One way to see beyond yourself is to ask: why would a reasonable, rationale, decent chief of staff communicate this way?

The answer to this question may well lie in the motives and values that drive her. As Elias Porter explained in his relationship awareness theory, each of us is driven by different motives to achieve a sense of self-worth. People can gain a sense of self-worth through achieving results (performance), developing others (people), or analyzing and understanding problems (process), or a combination of these. We often choose behaviors or ways of engaging with others that are in line with these core motives. When people have different core motives, they choose different behaviors, even when trying to accomplish the same thing.

Curiosity leads us to ask: “I wonder why she is doing this? What does this way of communicating do for her? How does it satisfy her needs?”

Bring that curiosity with you to the conversation. Once you clearly share the what and why of the conversation, show that you care as much about her perspective as your own by asking for understanding.

Asking can be as simple as:

“I am curious about your approach. What does it help you accomplish?”

Be Creative

As with many conversations, you are starting from a point of “my way vs your way.” If we aren’t careful, we can become constrained by this narrow, binary view of the problem and assume that the solution will be one of the two starting options—my way or your way. Instead, bring a spirit of creativity to the conversation. Once you understand what each of you wants, step back and consider, “Are there different options for meeting our goals? What would that look like?”

Test your ideas out. Suggest a trial run of a new way of doing things. Neither of you needs to commit to a change forever. Simply be willing to try something new and check in to see how the test is going.

In your conversation, this might sound like:

“What if we tried a ten-minute huddle each morning to share info and align? We could do it for two weeks and then decide whether that approach is working.”

Relationships Outlive Projects

One last thing to remember as you step up to this Crucial Conversation: relationships are built on the accumulation of our interactions. This project is important. I get that. But my guess is that you, your director, and the chief of staff will all be working together after this project is done. Look at this conversation as a chance to both move this project forward and build a stronger working relationship for future projects.

Good luck,
Emily

PS. If you’d like to learn more about Elias Porter’s work around our motivational value systems and how they drive our behavior and impact our relationships, check out CoreStrengths.com.

The post Confronting the Chief of Staff appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My niece recently turned 18 and is planning to schedule an elective double mastectomy. For the past few years she has identified as non-binary, then she legally changed her name, and more recently she has started taking estrogen blockers that make her voice low. Her dad and mom think that she’s brave and strong. My mom is 100% supportive. I think they’re all insane, and I’ve told them perhaps she’s just confused and that maybe we should encourage her to postpone having body parts surgically removed. They think I’m being intolerant and unsupportive. I haven’t shared my concerns with my niece, but I think I need to try to stop her. Should I keep my mouth shut and watch from the sidelines, or tell her what I really think? If so, how?

Signed,
Opposed

Dear Opposed,

Conversations don’t get much more crucial than this. There are differing opinions, very strong emotions, and the stakes are incredibly high (family relationships, mental health and well-being, lasting medical interventions). Variations of this conversation are happening in families, doctors’ offices, communities, schools, and legislatures across the country. Often, the conversations are divisive and painful, leaving people emotionally battered, bruised, and deeply disconnected from one another.

Nowhere is this more true than in our family conversations. Families are where we learn so much about who we are, what we value, how to connect with and see others, how to love and support people, and how to hold boundaries. For most of us, families are where the toughest Crucial Conversations of our lives take place because this is where the stakes are highest, and the relationships mean the most.

While your question is specific in nature, it can also be broadly applied. At the heart of your question seems to be this: Someone I care about is doing something I think is wrong, hurtful, destructive, or dangerous. What should I do?

The two questions you are asking are the right questions:

• Should I have a conversation?
• If so, how do I have it well?

Too often, people bypass the first question. They have an opinion, a perspective, or a concern about something or someone and jump right into the fray, presuming that their meaning is obviously needed in the discussion. But simply having an opinion, especially an opinion about what another adult should do with their life, does not mean you should express that opinion.

As you consider whether to raise your concerns, ask yourself:

Has this person asked for my opinion? I have learned that, especially with teens and young adults, my influence is greatest when they approach me seeking counsel. This happens when they are secure in our relationship, and they know that I deeply care for and about them. When they feel safe with me, they will be more likely to ask for my opinion when they have a hard decision to make.

Do I have a relationship with this person? Do I have standing to have this conversation? Managers at work have clear standing to talk with employees about concerning behaviors. Parents have the same clear standing to talk with their children about behavior. Outside of specific structural relationships like these, the lines get more ambiguous. Close friend? Yes. Person sitting next to you on the bus? No.

What is my goal—to have a conversation or tell someone why I think they are wrong? From painful experience, I can tell you with certainty that when your goal is to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong, the conversation will not go well. When my primary purpose is to convince others of the error of their ways, I become a preacher giving a sermon, not a friend having a conversation. If I am to truly have a conversation, my goal must be to listen, learn, and love.

Is the behavior a threat to themselves or others? Is it unambiguously harmful? Of course, you should speak up if your niece threatened harm to self or others, especially in an urgent situation. But this situation seems neither urgent nor unambiguously harmful. My guess is that you would argue that yes, your niece is about to engage in harmful, self-destructive behavior. You are not alone in that opinion. However, there are also reasonable, rational, educated people (including, presumably, your niece’s parents and your mother) who would argue just the opposite—that taking hormones and having surgery is not harmful but affirming, and that greater harm would be done by withholding medical treatment. This, then, is not a case of unambiguous harm.

Only you can answer these questions for your situation. While it seems clear from your question that you are deeply concerned about your niece’s choice to have surgery, there is little in your question to suggest that you are deeply concerned about your niece. If that is the case, and your goal in the conversation is to tell your niece what you think and why you are right, I can’t imagine the conversation will go well.

For a moment, though, let’s assume I got it all wrong. You deeply care about your niece as a full and complete human being. You have a strong and loving relationship. In fact, your niece has asked for your opinion. How can you hold this conversation with care and candor? Here are three tips:

Have and share your good intent. Before engaging in a Crucial Conversation, it is essential to get clear on what it is you want. Ask yourself: What do I really want? For me? For them? For the relationship? If your answers to these questions are “for the other person to hear my concerns and see the error of their ways,” keeping asking. Sometimes it can be more helpful to ask them in the reverse order: What do I want for this relationship? What do I want for the other person? Note that the preposition there is “for” not “from.” We are often well aware of what we want from someone else (we want them to listen, to agree, to change) but much less aware of what we want for that person. Once you have tapped into a good intent that is grounded in respect for self and others, share it. Start by expressing your love for your niece. Make it clear that nothing will change that love. Demonstrate your respect for your niece’s autonomy. This might sound like:

“I love you and I always will. I want the very best for you. I am so grateful to be a part of your life, especially as you are becoming an adult.”

Ask about and listen to your niece’s experience. Let understanding be your agenda. Listen for the truth in what is shared. Listen with empathy. Use phrases like “tell me more about that” and “how has that felt”. Consider stopping the conversation there, with a sincere expression of gratitude that your niece was generous in sharing her experiences. This will give you time to sincerely reflect on what you have learned from listening.

Ask whether your niece would like to hear your opinion. You might say, “I have some different thoughts about this, different from your parents and doctors. Do you want to hear them?” If the answer is no, respect that. If the answer is yes, reaffirm your good intent, start tentatively, and check in frequently. That might sound like:

“I am sharing this with you because I love you and I want you to be able to consider lots of different perspectives and information before deciding. And, if at any point, you change your mind and don’t want to hear my opinion anymore, just say so and I will stop.”

Crucial Conversations are hard. No conversational skill, technique, or phrase can make them easy. What makes them go well is to care more about the person than the problem, to always see the individual before the issue.

Emily

The post Discussing Gender Transition appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Do you think children could use the skills taught in Crucial Conversations? If so, do you have any suggestions for how I might adapt the lessons for them?

Signed,
Parent and Conversation Coach

Dear Parent,

Unequivocally, yes! As a mom to three kids (ages 10, 8, and 8) and a stepmom to seven kids (ages 17 to 33), I can personally attest that kids can learn the skills of Crucial Conversations. I also know many of my fellow trainers have taught their children the skills of Crucial Conversations with success and impact.

The question of “adapting” the lessons for them is a little trickier. We don’t have enough experience to date with formal instruction for me to confidently say, “Here is the lesson plan for Get Unstuck for seven-year-olds.” Although, should any of our readers have such, please comment below, as we’d love to know what’s working!

I will share four suggestions for how you can help kids learn these valuable skills.

Model with Narration

Several good studies have shown that children tend to use the conflict resolution strategies that they see used by their parents and others in their home. So, simply by effectively holding Crucial Conversations yourself, you are teaching your children how to use the skills.

For younger kids, I have found that modeling with narration is even more powerful. So much of what we do during a Crucial Conversation happens inside our heads. Mastering our stories, clarifying our intent, and attending to the conditions of a conversation all happen silently and out of sight. For younger kids, it can help to model not just the result (your words) but also the process (your thinking).

For example, imagine I am frustrated with a neighbor whose dog has confused my yard for its bathroom. One day as I am out in the yard playing with my kids, I step in the moist, putrid evidence of this. What is my response? I get frustrated, decide it is time to have a conversation. But, before I do, I work through my emotions, clarify my good intent, and think about how I will start the conversation. What my kids see is my frustration. To truly model the skills, I need to narrate what I’m thinking. I might say something like:

“Wow. That is so gross. And frustrating. I think I am especially frustrated because the story I am telling myself right now is that our neighbor doesn’t even care about or respect us enough to pick up after his dog. But you know what? Maybe there is more to this than I really know. Maybe he doesn’t realize this is happening. Or maybe something is going on with him right now that makes it hard to care for his dog. I think I’ll go talk to him about it, because what I really want is for us to be good neighbors to each other.”

When you model with narration, you show your kids how our thinking sets the tone for the entire conversation.

Acknowledge the Misses

This is a corollary, if you will, to modelling with narration. Because none of us is perfect, we will inevitably model poor communication behavior as well. It is essential that we call that out when we do, lest our kids confuse the poor model with the good.

I know that my poor communication behavior is directly related to bedtime. No other situation triggers me like children who will not brush their teeth and get in bed at night when I am tired. More than once, I have tucked a child in at night and said, “Hey, I am sorry about what just happened. I didn’t handle that well. When I stepped on the razor-sharp Lego you left on the floor in front of your bed, I shouldn’t have yelled. I bet that was a little scary for you. I am sorry. I’ll do my best to handle things better next time.”

Role Play

I believe there is an inverse relationship between age and enjoyment of role play. When I tell a class of 45-year-old engineers that it is time to practice the skills we are learning, it’s as though the air has been sucked right of the room. In contrast, kids love to practice and role play, especially when they are anxious about a situation, conversation, or relationship.

For example, my daughter needs to have a conversation with a teacher about a grade she feels is unfair. She is nervous about the conversation and doesn’t want to offend the teacher. She does want to advocate for herself. This is a great opportunity to say, “Let’s talk through how to have this conversation. Here are a couple of ideas.” And, once you have done that, invite her to practice: “Let’s try this out. I’ll be the teacher and try to look really scary and intimidating (ha ha)!”

I find this works particularly well with kids in that stage between nine and fourteen years old.

Name the Feeling

Successful Crucial Conversations largely depend upon the emotions we bring to them. For kids, emotions can be scary and overwhelming as they flood through their bodies. Kids are just learning how to regulate those emotions and a key part of that is naming them. Giving your kids vocabulary to help them identify and differentiate emotions is a key part of learning to regulate those emotions.

Earlier this year, my then seven-year-old superglued the keys of our baby grand piano, and then lied about it. My husband, thinking the keyboard cover was simply jammed, tried to pry it open. Suffice it to say, damage ensued. As we stood their looking at the ruined piano, I took a deep breath and then said, “I need to go outside.”

My then nine-year-old daughter came out to check on me. She asked, “Are you angry?” I thought for a moment and then said, “No. I am feeling a lot of things right now, but anger isn’t one of them.” She nodded sagely and said, “Ah, yes, you are in the bottom of the anger iceberg.” The anger iceberg is a graphic representation that we have used to discuss all the different kinds of emotions that can, on the surface, show up as anger. It has given my kids a way to access and talk about their feelings, which is the first step to managing them.

These are just a few of the strategies that have helped me to teach my kids how to navigate their Crucial Conversations, build relationships, and strengthen connection. I’d love to hear what you have done to teach your kids. Please add your suggestions in the comments section below. We will all be richer for it.

Best,
Emily

More From Our Master Trainers

As I prepared to respond to your question, I contacted some of our Crucial Learning faculty to get their insights. Thanks to Cricket Buchler, Nicky Samuels, and Melanie Gao for sharing their wisdom. With their permission, I’ve included their ideas here.

• I often will ask my kids to summarize what they heard their siblings (or me) saying during a moment of conflict. Example: “We want to hear your side of things. But first, would you mind paraphrasing what you just heard your sister say so she feels understood?” Then I prompt them with sample language they can use. “What I hear you saying is…”
• When kids get reactive to a conversation and lead with their disagreement, I will say, “I understand that you disagree with me. You want me to know that… (paraphrase what they’ve said). Aside from what you clearly disagree with, is there anything I said you can agree with?”
• My eleven-year-old was trying to be the mediator between her two friends, and I coached her to use the skills of Contrasting and Start with Heart. “Hey I am not taking sides here. I love you both, and I want us all to get along. Can we talk about what happened between you?”
• To help kids feel psychologically safe to talk in heated situations, I use empathy statements and ask questions like these: How did that make you feel? What do you want to do about it? What makes you scared to have the conversation? If you have a conversation, what do hope will happen? Then we work towards what they want.
• When I first taught my kids about healthy dialogue, I didn’t realize they were going to hold me accountable to it. They often called me out when I shut down or became passive-aggressive. At first I didn’t like that, but I disciplined myself to hear them. That was hard for me as a parent because I wanted to be the teacher, the one who had it all under control. Looking back, I realize they were teaching me in those moments. It was humbling to realize that they were even better than me at staying in dialogue.

The post Crucial Conversations for Kids appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I appreciated your recent article, “How to Tell an Employee They Talk Too Much.” Would you approach this situation in the same way if it were your boss who talks too much? Or what would you do differently?

Signed,
Battling the Babbling

Dear Battling,

Giving feedback to your boss can feel like walking a tightrope spanning a pit of roiling lava. No missteps, no second chances. However, while it is true that our bosses are, by definition, people in positions of power or authority, I have found it helpful to focus on the word people rather than power. Our bosses are people. Yes, they have power, but they are people first. Here is how I would approach them as people who also happen to have power to influence my work and life.

Do Your Homework

You’ve drawn the conclusion that your boss talks too much. Presumably you have specific examples of when they have done so and how it has impacted you or the team negatively. If you don’t, make sure you do. Why do you find their talking to be “too much” rather than “a lot”? You need to have a clear answer for that question.

Once you have your facts gathered, it may be helpful to broaden your research base. Right now, your conclusion is based on n of one—you. Do others see your boss’s behavior and its impact similarly? I’d suggest checking your conclusion with a couple of trusted colleagues who know you and your boss. Do they see the same patterns that you do and share the same concerns? If not, you may need to reconsider whether you have judged your boss’s behavior accurately and fairly.

Test for Readiness

When you are ready to start the conversation, make sure your boss is ready. This might sound like, “I have some feedback I’d like to share if you are interested.” Or, “May I share some feedback that I think might be helpful?”

When you test for readiness, you do two things: (1) you alert your boss that an important message is coming and give them some say in when and whether to hear it, and (2) you start to build a social contract with your boss. When they have agreed to hear your message, they are more inclined to listen openly having consented to do so.

I once worked with an office manager who did this brilliantly. She worked with several strong egos and often had to navigate competing demands. Her way of entering the conversation? She would say, “I have a perspective to share.” Then she would ask, “Is this a safe space for that?” The phrasing of the question worked beautifully for her because it both assessed for openness to different perspectives AND built safety at the same time.

After you have tested for readiness, share your good intent as discussed in the previous column, “How to Tell an Employee They Talk Too Much.”

Ask for Grace and Space

Not many of us will deliver a tough message perfectly every time, especially when we are nervous. It can be helpful to acknowledge that up front and ask for grace when you mess up and space to try again.

Years ago, I needed to have a tough feedback conversation with a very senior leader who had significant influence over whether I would continue to work for his company or not. I had prepared well and was still very nervous. As I began the conversation I said, “This is hard for me to share, and I am pretty sure I’ll mess it up despite my best efforts. I am hoping you’ll be patient with me and hear me out, even if I stumble.” The senior leader looked a little surprised but said, “Go ahead.” During the conversation he was open, curious, and willing to engage with what I needed to say. It was as if we were now partners in this conversation, both working hard to make sure it went well.

Remember Why

I have assumed that you want to speak up to your boss because the excessive talking has clear negative impacts. So, the thing to remember is what’s at stake. A few years back, Joseph Grenny wrote a column about speaking up to a CEO. He gave some great suggestions, many of which have informed my own response here. He also wrote something I’d like to include. It cuts through the chaff of indecision or rationalization.

“You have the potential of being the best friend your CEO has. I hope you will be. What you’ve said is that 1) you care about and respect your CEO; 2) you have information that might be crucial for her to know if she is to succeed in one of the most important efforts of her career. This is a no-brainer. The only question is, do you care about her and the company more than you care about your own comfort?”

Finally, your question helped me realize two things. First, I would take a little more care when giving feedback to my boss. Second, if I’m going to take more care when addressing my boss, I should take that same care when I am in the position of power, otherwise I am trading on my power to skate by in Crucial Conversations, and that will not do. Thank you, and I hope these ideas help.

Warmly,
Emily

The post How to Tell Your Boss They Talk Too Much appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Can walking away from a personal or professional relationship ever be the best solution?

Signed,
One Foot Out the Door

Dear One Foot Out the Door,

Yes.

Absolutely, unequivocally yes. No one should stay in a relationship—personal or professional—that is abusive or toxic. Don’t fool yourself. Walking away from a relationship is not the easiest solution, but in some cases it is absolutely the best solution. Nothing we teach in Crucial Conversations about repairing damaged relationships or taking responsibility for your own role in a situation should be construed as an endorsement of staying in a relationship no matter the cost.

That is the answer to your question in the clearest terms I can use. But, to avoid writing the shortest Q&A in the history of Crucial Skills, allow me to answer a question you didn’t ask: How do I know when to walk away from a personal or professional relationship?

Years ago, I was working with a gifted facilitator and consultant. She was struggling with a professional relationship she had with one of my close colleagues. Then as now, I love and respect both of these good people. One afternoon, I was on the phone with this facilitator, encouraging her to have a Crucial Conversation with our mutual colleague. I was sure they could work through the differences that were eating away at their relationship. To be fair, encouraging is probably much too soft a word. I was bringing all my persuasive, manipulative, pressuring skills to bear and really trying hard to make her have a conversation. It wasn’t my best moment.

It was in that moment, though, that she taught me a valuable lesson. Paraphrasing, she said, “Emily, I have asked myself what I really want here. What I want for me, and what I want for him, and what I want for our relationship. And the answer is, I don’t want a relationship with him.” She went on to explain the good things she wanted for herself and the good things she wanted for this colleague. She didn’t have malice or bad intent for him. She simply understood, because of many previous well-held Crucial Conversations, that this relationship wasn’t serving either of their interests.

No one but you can decide when it is time to walk away from a relationship, but I will offer three questions to consider as you evaluate your path forward.

What do you really want—for yourself, for them, and for the relationship? Take some time with this and try to move past your initial answer, whatever it is. If your initial answer is “I want to be respected, I want them to die miserable and alone, and I want this relationship to be erased from history,” consider asking the question again. Move past the emotion. Can you, like my friend, come to a place where you can see the other person as a fallible, imperfect human being and create a space for good intent toward them?

Have you talked about it? I think all relationships deserve effort, grace, and persistence. If you have never talked about the issues or have only talked about them once or twice, consider whether you have really given it your best. If you are expecting the other person to be perfect and are disappointed that they have hurt you, consider whether you can extend grace.

Is there a mutual purpose? Many years ago, I made the decision that I needed to walk away from a relationship—my marriage of eight years. For me, the relationship was unhealthy and unsustainable. So I ended my marriage with my husband and started my co-parenting relationship with the father of my children. Over the several years since, this has proven to be one of the hardest relationships of my life and the one that has taught me the most. Because every time I want to walk away in frustration from this co-parenting relationship, I am drawn back by a deep purpose—to raise my children well.

As I think about your question, I wish I knew more about your situation. I wish I knew you. I suspect there is a wealth of pain and heartache that roils just below the surface of your very straightforward and rational question. I also wish I could know whether you’re a fan of the American singer Kenny Rogers, who offers up great wisdom for your question in his classic song “The Gambler.” He tells us that when it comes to the cards we are dealt, we must know when to hold them and know when to fold them. But more than that, he reminds us that “every hand’s a winner, and every hand’s a loser.” I believe that is true with human relationships. Every relationship has the potential to be nourishing or toxic, safe or destructive. All we can control is what we give to the relationship, and what boundaries we draw.

I wish you well, my friend, on this road you are walking.

Sincerely,
Emily

The post When Is It Okay to Leave a Relationship? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My sister is stressed, overwhelmed, at her breaking point, and needs help. She runs two companies, has two small children, and was recently diagnosed with ADHD on top of the thousands of unread email messages in her inbox and hundreds of tasks she has on her to-do list. I’ve taken the Getting Things Done (GTD) course and see plenty of tools that I know could help her reduce stress and take control of her chaotic life. What are some things she can do to get started on her GTD journey, and is there anything I can do to help her?

Signed
GTD Go-Getter

Dear Go-Getter,

It’s great to hear that you have found value in GTD and, like so many GTD practitioners, you want to share what you have found to help others. People who love GTD want to spread the love with everyone they love. Which is great. And also not so great. Sometimes enthusiasm for GTD crosses the line into unwelcome evangelism. So remember that you can share some ideas and you can support your sister in taking some steps, but ultimately you can’t make someone else use GTD (even if you know they should!).

Offer Gently

The first thing to do when offering to help someone is check to see whether they want that help. Be gentle with your sister. Her stress is already off the charts. Giving her one more thing to do, even if that thing is GTD, could feel overwhelming because it’s “just one more thing to do.”

Start by sharing your good intent—you can tell she is stressed and want to help. Then, share a bit of your own experience—you’ve learned something recently about GTD that is helping you. Make it clear that you aren’t criticizing her or any of the choices she has made. You simply have a couple of ideas that you think could help.

If she is interested, great. If not, step back but let her know that if she ever changes her mind, you’d be happy to share. You can offer; you can’t compel, and you should not pressure.

Assuming she is looking for something that can help and wants to start this journey, here are three tips anyone can use to get started with GTD.

Shrink It Down

When facing a big project or list of projects, it is common to feel overwhelmed. The natural reaction is to avoid the project. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical professor at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, explains how a big project or list of projects triggers our flight-fight-freeze response. “Our bodies react to threat the same way, whether the threat is external, like the proverbial saber-toothed tiger, or the threat is internal. With a big overwhelming task list, that threat could be the threat of failure, or it could be the threat of letting others down. It could be the threat of feeling stupid or incompetent because we don’t know where to start or how to do things.”

The way to get started, then, is to make the project or the to-do list less threatening. In GTD we do that by shrinking the project down to its very next action—the next physical, visible thing you need to do. For me, I like thinking about it this way: how can I make the next action so small that it is almost effortless? If I am dreading writing my next newsletter article, the next action might be “open a word document and name it.” If I am avoiding planning my next team event, the next action might be “email four colleagues and ask them for their favorite team-building activities.” The smaller you can make the next action, the less threatening it becomes and the more likely you are to do it.

Look at Your To-Do List before Email

Most people I know start their day by looking at their email. The moment they do is the moment they let others define their day. When we immediately jump into email, we are scanning and looking at what other people need us to do. This puts us in reactive mode for the rest of the day.

Instead, start the day by looking at your to-do list and your calendar. These two items represent what you had already decided was important to do that day. Review them and ask yourself, “Are these still important for me to do today?” and “What’s the most important thing I need to do today?” When you start the day by defining your priorities for yourself, you now have a rule by which to measure everything else that comes at you. Is this email request from your manager more important than what you had previously decided was your most important priority for the day? If so, shift to that. If not, let your manager know what you are working on today and when you will get back to their email.

Make the Backlog Its Own Project

Busy people can often end up with a huge backlog of unread emails or to-dos that have been lingering on their lists for weeks, months, or even years. It can feel impossible to start being productive today when you have that burdensome backlog.

If you have a backlog that feels overwhelming, the best thing you can do is to make it its own project. Move all those unread, unprocessed emails into a folder, title it “backlog,” and then put “process backlog emails” on your to-do list. Take all those lingering would-, should-, could-do items that have been taking up space on your to-do list and move them to a “someday/maybe” list.

The benefit of clearing those items off your list and out of your inbox is immense! It will free you to get started with what is on front of you right now. You still have the security of knowing all that stuff is still there, waiting for when you have the bandwidth to address it. Surprisingly, many people I work with find that, after a few months, they haven’t returned to their backlog. After a few more months of added perspective, they often decide they don’t need to address that backlog at all.

One Final Note

You shared that your sister has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. People with ADHD have unique challenges with focus and productivity that I am not qualified to address. For a resource specifically on adult ADHD, you might consider Abigail Levrini’s book Succeeding with Adult ADHD, published by the American Psychological Association.

All the best,
Emily

The post Can You Help Someone Overcome Stress? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Constructive criticism. I absolutely hate it and completely shut down when I hear it. It’s still criticism, however “constructive” the giver thinks it is. But I know it’s a popular thing to “give.” How can I overcome my aversion to it?

Signed,
Fearful of Feedback

Dear Fearful,

Before you work on overcoming your aversion to constructive criticism, I have a suggestion: explore it. It may be telling you something.

In my experience, people are averse to constructive criticism for one of two reasons. They either think the criticism is intended to tear them down rather than build them up—the critic is simply hiding their intent behind the term “constructive”—or they associate criticism with shaming. Any feedback that implies they could or should do something differently negatively impacts their sense of self.

I am not sure from your message what’s contributing to your aversion, but I encourage you to explore it. Until you know, you won’t be able to address it.

Now, assuming you fall into one of the two categories above, here are some suggestions for how to move forward.

Reframe

If the constructive criticism is more critical than constructive, try reframing it.

For example, someone calls and says, “Hey, Emily, can you talk? I have some constructive criticism about your recent Q&A.”

Now, my hackles might immediately raise because, yuck, constructive criticism. But I can influence how this interaction unfolds by framing my response to highlight the constructive part of constructive criticism. “Sure, that would be great. I always appreciate good feedback and specific suggestions of what I can do better.”

With this framing, I have hopefully communicated that I’d like to hear not just what I did poorly, but also specific suggestions of what I should do differently.

Ask for the FIX

In some cases, people intent on telling you what you’ve done wrong may miss your subtle reframing. If that happens, ask for the FIX.

Years ago, my mentor Kerry Patterson was working with an up-and-coming writer named Liz Wiseman (you may have heard of her). Kerry had asked Liz to copyedit something he had written. Liz diligently edited the piece, marking one specific passage with AWK, a common proofreading mark that indicates awkward phrasing. After Kerry reviewed Liz’s edits, he returned the paper with a note: “Never give an AWK without a FIX.”

When people give you feedback, it’s fair to ask them for a specific fix. Let’s go back to the example above about feedback on this article. Let’s say my editor, or critic, highlights a few things he doesn’t like and then stops. My response?

“Thanks for pointing that out. I’d really like your suggestions on how to fix this or improve it. What do you suggest?”

Make a Choice

You have probably heard the expression “feedback is a gift.” You might have an aversion to that expression too! I know I did for many years—until I stopped and thought about what it meant.

Imagine someone gives you a gift, maybe a piece of art for your home or an article of clothing. The gift is thoughtful and expresses love or appreciation. Unfortunately, the gift is simply not your style. It doesn’t fit in your home or wardrobe. It just isn’t you. So, what do you do? If you are like me, you express your honest and sincere appreciation for the thoughtfulness behind the gift. And then you re-gift it or donate it.

The point is you don’t have to keep it. Just because someone gives you a gift doesn’t mean you must integrate it into your home, your wardrobe, or your life. You get to choose. And so it is with feedback. You can be grateful that someone took the time and effort to share their perspective, and you can choose whether or not to integrate that feedback.

Feedsmacked?

Finally, don’t expect feedback to be delivered perfectly. Your critic may have valuable perspective, even if delivered poorly. For some great insight on how to listen to a poorly delivered message, check out Joseph Grenny’s presentation “Feedsmacked” from Crucial Learning’s 2019 REACH conference.

Warmly,
Emily

The post Constructive Criticism: How to Hear It When You’d Rather Not appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Do you have any tips for talking with employees who do the bare minimum but still expect to be promoted and given high performance appraisals?

Signed,
Manager

Dear Noble Manager,

I am going to start with what I see as a fairly safe assumption: you are a manager of people. Because of that assumption, I want to share an idea with you before I answer your question. One of my favorite quotes on management is from one of my favorite management scholars, the esteemed Clayton Christensen (1952-2022).

Your role is noble indeed! And yet sometimes it doesn’t feel like that. If you are at all like many of the managers I have heard from over the past few years, you are exhausted, frustrated, burned out, and just hanging on. Management is hard. Really hard. And just as you are digging deep into your own reserves to do your job, here comes one of your employees, asking for more. Maybe they’re young, maybe they’re new. Hopefully they’re eager. Possibly they’re demanding. At their best, they are ambitious. At their worst, they are entitled.

So, how do you talk with an employee who is doing the bare minimum and expecting great rewards? Based on my conversations with other managers, I wonder if it’d be more accurate to say your question is this: How do I tell them that they aren’t ready, that they need to do more, that their expectations are unrealistic? All fair questions. But in light of the quote from Dr. Christensen above, I suggest a reframe of your question.

How can you help an unready or underserving employee learn and grow into the promotion or appraisal they seek? If you are in the business of helping people learn and grow, then this moment (when someone asks for a promotion they don’t deserve) is a crucial moment, a moment with the potential for great learning and growth.

Here are four tips to help navigate that moment.

Reframe How You See Them

Let me assume that you have worked long and hard to get where you are today. You may therefore find it mildly irritating (or even downright infuriating) to have someone younger and newer come along and blithely expect to be given what you have earned. You may judge that person as entitled, foolish, or ungrateful. If this is even close to the story you are telling yourself about your employee, stop.

In any conversation, our perspective of others reveals more about us than them. You need to reframe how you are seeing this person. Advocating for yourself, speaking up, and asking for career opportunities are all incredibly good things. Reframed, here is a person who is asking for career development and mentorship. Think of them as someone who is leaning in. Seeing them differently will change how you show up in the conversation. Seeing them in a positive light will increase the likelihood of having a positive conversation.

Be Specific about Expectations

It sounds like there is a clear gap between what this person does and what they need to do in order to be promoted. Describe that gap with specificity. What are you now seeing from them? What do you need to see before you could promote them? Describe both of these in a way that makes it clear to your employee what the gap is.

Be careful not to fall into the trap of saying “You need more experience” or “You need to be here for X amount of time before you can be considered for a promotion.” That is a cop-out. If they need more experience, explain why. What kind of experience do they need? Can you help them gain that experience?

Compare and Contrast

Sometimes, even when we are explicit about expectations, the other person may still not understand what “good” looks like. You may need to show them what good or great performance is. Identify someone on your team or in your organization who is a top performer, ideally in the role your employee wants to move into. Create an opportunity for your employee to observe that person. What does he or she do differently than others? Why does it matter? Ask your employee to compare their own behaviors, interactions, and deliverables to this top performer. Let your employee know how you see their performance compared to that of this top performer.

Be Candid about Limitations

Organizations and industries have different opportunities for growth. In a high-growth industry during the boom times, it may be very easy to do the bare minimum and still get promoted simply because of the organization’s rapid growth. In slower growth industries or times, it may be much harder to get that next promotion. Be honest about this. Your employee likely has friends or former colleagues working in different organizations who are getting promoted without doing anything particularly exceptional. So they may think they should be promoted too. If you are not in a rapid growth organization, say so. Help your employee understand what a career path looks like at your organization and how that might be different from their “roommate’s sister’s best friend’s company.”

As you do that, be sure to help them understand the value of working for your organization. Perhaps you don’t have a promotion to offer them, but is there anything else you can offer them? Remember, as we reframed our perspective, this is not necessarily an entitled brat looking for the easy path up. Think of them as an eager climber who wants to grow and contribute. Helping them do that is the true job of a people manager.

Good luck!
Emily

The post When Employees Do the Bare Minimum and Want a Promotion appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I’m a project manager and often hold meetings with my team to ensure tasks get completed on time and project timelines aren’t in jeopardy. Recently, one team member said he wasn’t going to meet his deadlines. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to call him out in front of everyone during the meeting, but I also didn’t want to let it slide. He has done this before. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Managers (of people and projects) are often called upon to make tough choices. Should we invest in this technology, or that? Should we hire this person, or that person? Should we focus our efforts on this market, or that one? Because so much of a manager’s work is a zero-sum game, it’s no wonder many develop binary thinking and see many choices as trade-offs.

Your question presents a tough binary choice between two different values: should you be respectful of your team member by not calling him out, or should you be honest about the missed deadlines? Respect, or candor? Which do you choose?

Here’s my advice: don’t choose. Reject the choice as the artificial and false binary that it is. It is possible, in this situation and others, to be both respectful and candid. You can start by believing you can. In fact, consider this: being direct and candid is one of the most authentic ways to be truly respectful of another person.

Here’s how you can start.

Create a Team Norm

Explain how you will handle missed deadlines and why. When starting a project (or starting to work with new team members) jointly acknowledge that deadlines will be missed at some point by someone. No project in the history of projects has ever gone exactly as planned. Once you have set the expectation that occasionally people will miss deadlines, talk about how you will handle this. Start with your good intent and let everyone know exactly how you’ll handle misses and why. It might sound like:

“Because so many other projects depend on this project, we need to talk about misses as a group. When someone misses a deadline, it impacts everyone. So, when that happens, let’s address it as a group, support each other, solve the problem together, and get back on track.”

Make It Safe

When needed, remind people of the team norm and shared expectation. When someone misses a deadline, as someone inevitably will, you can create psychological safety within the group by reminding them how you agreed to address misses. With safety established, you can call people in, not call them out. It might sound like this:

“Thanks for letting us know about the slip. As we all decided at the beginning of this project, these moments are good opportunities for us as a team to solve problems and support each other. Can you help us understand what factors are contributing?”

Note the reinforcement here of team accountability: “Can you help us understand” rather than “Can you help me understand?” Because you have set an expectation of accountability, you can now make accountability the province of the team, not just yourself.

At this point, you might be frustrated with my response. So far, I have suggested what you could have done earlier—but the horse is out of the barn! Team norms are great and all, but if you don’t already have them in place, what can you do right now?

Take It Private, Publicly

If you haven’t set the expectation that accountability will be a team effort, I think your best course of action is to hold the conversation privately, one-on-one. However, make sure you communicate to the rest of the team that these missed deadlines will be addressed, not just glossed over. So, make it public. It might sound like this:

“I’d like to talk about the missed deadlines and their impact. I’ll set up a time for the two of us to talk later, and then we can bring back an update to the team.”

In this way, you preserve safety for the individual by taking the conversation private, but you signal to the team that the conversation will happen. Moreover, you lay the groundwork for future accountability, and perhaps even a new team norm, by committing to report back to the team.

Hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Emily

The post Should You Hold People Accountable Publicly? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My assistant used $700 for a hotel room. I had never given him a spending limit, but I didn’t think he would spend $700. Now I need to tell him he won’t get reimbursed for that because it was way too much. How do I tell him? Help!

Signed,
Pretzeled Purse String

Dear Pretzeled,

I’ll start with the bad news. I can’t help you tell him he won’t be reimbursed because that is the wrong conversation to have. From where I am sitting and what you have shared, you need to reimburse him and then have the conversation about appropriate travel expenses going forward. Admittedly, that probably means the tough conversation you will be having is with your boss, when you explain you need to find the budget to cover this hotel expense because you didn’t set expectations up front.

That’s the bad news. The good news is, every time an expectation is missed, we have an opportunity to clarify and re-set expectations going forward. A missed expectation is a chance to do things differently going forward. So, let’s unpack the situation.

First, you didn’t set clear expectations up front. You made some assumptions about “appropriate” behavior based on your paradigm. That is on you, and you need to take responsibility for that. Learn from this that you should have a clear travel policy that you share with new employees up front. Do this for yourself, and for them. No new employee wants to make a mistake right out of the gate. When we as leaders fail to set clear expectations, we set our employees up to fail. That’s not fair to them.

Next, use this opportunity to clarify how you want to work together going forward (when it comes to travel or any other expectation). This is a critical time to demonstrate to your employee how you will handle a situation when something goes awry. Show up well here and you will be laying the foundation for a positive, collaborative, accountable working relationship going forward.

To do this, start by sharing your good intent. Why are you having this conversation? And more importantly, what do you want for this person coming out of the conversation? Too often we go into accountability conversations like these with a clear idea of what we want for us… but not for the other person. In this case, sharing your good intent might sound like:

“I want to chat with you about your recent travel expenses. My goal is to make sure you and I are aligned and that you are set up to be successful going forward.”

Then, describe the gap between what you were expecting and what you have observed:

“I noticed you spent $700 on your hotel room. I realize we didn’t discuss this beforehand, but that is a lot more than our employees typically spend and I was surprised by the amount.”

Again, make sure you own your part in this—that you didn’t give guidelines up front.

Finally, set a clear expectation for going forward:

“I’ll send you our employee travel policy today so you have a clear understanding of the guidelines.”

Conversations about expectations become much easier when you see them as collaborative rather than directive. “My job is not to hold you accountable. Instead, our job is to work together to understand and close the gap between what was expected and what really happened.” When we become part of the conversation, we are able to look at and take responsibility for how our action (or inaction) has contributed to the gap.

Sincerely,
Emily

The post How to Tell Your Employee Their Expense Won’t Be Covered appeared first on Crucial Learning.