That website / book discusses the importance of both not sugarcoating the truth while at the same time showing sincere caring for the other person in order to communicate effectively.

Similar to the crucial conversations concept of sharing your intent.

Thanks for your comments. I am a fairly confident person, known for speaking up when it is important, but my brain totally shuts down when someone starts yelling or speaking disrespectfully in a group. I’m probably not the only one.

One thing that I felt could have been stronger in this article is the last section. I wonder if “Direct” would agree with your assumption that blaming the victim of the steamroller is unfair–or if they would actually agree with Robert California! Here are some thoughts I have for “Direct” about why they should, in fact, care about the other human beings they work with.

* Just as you don’t choose to be an extrovert, introverts don’t choose to be introverts. We all come into this world with our own personalities, which we don’t choose. We can all learn to change or moderate our behaviors, meaning you can learn to create safety in a conversation, even though it’s a struggle, and natural introverts can learn to speak up more–but it will probably never be natural for them. Perhaps reflecting on what is hard for you will help you have more compassion for them.

* In addition, whatever their natural tendencies, many people have experiences from childhood or later in life that they bring to the table. Many people have been socialized to be quiet and not speak up, and some are even dealing with trauma from abuse. Someone dear to me lived in an abusive household as a child, and when people yell at him, he goes into self-protection mode, and is unable to speak up for himself. This is not his fault. He is dealing with years of unaddressed trauma, and he is trying to learn to communicate better and be self-confident, but he is dealing with a burden that most of us will probably never understand, and he didn’t choose it. Please be compassionate. You never know what most people are carrying with them–especially if you have a habit of not creating safety.

Here is one of my favorite sayings:
Expectation is the root of all heartache.

I’ve come to appreciate that not everyone was fortunate enough to be brought up to be self-confident, and, even those who were, didn’t necessarily have the same communication environment growing up that I did or are just more naturally shy. On the flip side, I didn’t have the benefit of learning as a kid not to interrupt people, since everyone “interrupting” each other was the normal communication style where I grew up. So, when I moved and segued into a different environment, I had a lot of work to do on that (and still do, to this day, to a lesser extent…some habits are very ingrained and really hard to break)!

That said, while I’ve come to respect different communication styles, I cannot defend those people who are passive aggressive, which, to me, is at least as bad as being too aggressive aggressive, if not worse, since it’s not only rude but duplicitous.

Ah, expectations… they are usually setting one up for disappointment.

I teach people in my sphere of influence on how to engage in what I call, respectful “Sassy Banter”. When managed appropriately, it allows people to say what needs to be said, and yet maintain safety for different communication styles. Direct’s style likely shuts down getting the knowledge pool filled.