I recently read Joseph Grenny’s HBR article about being resilient in the face of harsh criticism. His insight was this: look for the grain of truth in feedback and you’ll increase your resiliency. Well, what if there isn’t a “grain of truth?” What if it isn’t feedback, but bullying? Bullies are adept at finding real or perceived weakness in others and exploiting it. In this case, it is not the “weakness” that is the problem, and searching for a “grain of truth” would empower the bully. What is the best way to deal with this?

Signed,
Grainless

Dear Grainless,

I could spend some time qualifying my response to your question by advising care in concluding someone’s entire intent is bullying. But I won’t. I will assume that you are 100% correct. The person we are considering has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification. What next?

The first crucial question is “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:

Enforce your rights. First and foremost, if you feel physically or emotionally unsafe, you have rights and should demand them. Report abusive behavior to HR, or seek legal assistance.

Create distance. If needed, separate yourself from them in your current job, or find other employment. If you fail to take steps like these, you risk enabling the behavior and becoming accustomed to abuse—something that damages your mental health and well being.

If, on the other hand, you are not in immediate physical or emotional danger, and you want to continue in the work situation you’re in, you must in some way set and enforce boundaries.

You gain power over subtle bullying when you can describe it precisely. This can take work, but you can’t have a conversation if you can’t specify the problem. Let’s say that during meetings with peers (when the boss isn’t watching) this person resorts to name calling or raising their voice. Step one in setting a boundary is confronting the specific behavior. In Crucial Conversation we refer to this as “holding the right conversation.” Stop discussion of whatever issue is on the table and change the subject to the “process” issue. Stop talking about the “what” (the solution you’re debating), and shift to “how” the conversation is proceeding.

For example, you present a proposal and this person sneers and mutters, “where do you get this crap?” Stop the conversation immediately and say, “Before we move on with the discussion, I want to address what just happened. I presented my idea, and you said, “Where do you get this crap?” Did I hear that right?”

Your job in this conversation is to set a clear boundary. After confirming or disconfirming what they said, continue with, “I am fine hearing any criticism of any idea I have. Point out flaws all day long. But calling my ideas ‘crap’ is disrespectful to me. It’s not okay with me for you to simply insult either me or my ideas. Can I have your commitment to respect that?”

Be prepared for them to either resist making a commitment or to test the boundary again. If they resist, let them know what you’ll do to secure your right to respectful behavior. For example, if they say, “The problem here is that you’re weak and thin-skinned. This is how adults talk.” You can respond with, “I’ve explained what I expect. If that’s not something you can commit to, I’ll check with HR (or the boss) to see if I’m out of bounds in my expectation.”

In they test the boundary, or lapse in honoring it, the first time it happens, you must address it: “A couple of weeks ago you committed that you would never use insulting language toward me. You just called my idea BS. That’s a violation of your commitment.” Ask for them to reconfirm their commitment, then add, “It’s not my job to police your agreement. If you fail to keep it again, I’ll move to other alternatives.

Admittedly, setting and enforcing boundaries puts a lot on you. So I remind you, if what you really want is just to secure your right to dignified treatment, the first two suggestions are reasonable. If what you really want (and feel safe doing) is to handle the problem between you, it will have to take some form of setting and enforcing boundaries.

Nothing I’ve offered makes for easy answers, but in a world of flawed people, I hope this gives you a way of thinking about your options.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post How to Respond to a Workplace Bully appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Although our course design provides a solid stick-to-the-script foundation, we encourage certified trainers to adapt practice scenarios for their learners as needed. In fact, for Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue, we’ve developed practice scenarios specific to healthcare, education, manufacturing, and government (the first three are available now under Learner Resources; the last will be available later this month).

Regardless of what course(s) you facilitate, there are ways to personalize the practical application for your company. Master Trainer Emily Gregory shared three ideas in a past article:

• Change the jargon
• Draft your own
• Respond in the moment

Here’s a refresher on each of the ideas Emily shared, along with additional ideas and insights to help you and your learners connect with the course material. You can also watch this video in which Emily shares additional thoughts.

Change the Jargon

It can be easy to get hung up on the language in a scenario or activity. We understand that it’s most effective when the language in the course matches that of your organizational culture. When reading the scenarios out loud, revise the language so it’s a fit. When your learners go through the learner guide, encourage them to make slight edits to the terminology if it will help them. Simple word changes can keep learners focused on the concepts, not the word choices.

We also know sometimes our scenarios might not parallel some experiences of your learners. That’s ok—what is the main idea of the exercise or video? Is the meaning still relevant? Guide your learners beyond the what to focus on the why and the how of the exercise.

For instance, in our Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue course, the Start with Heart lesson has a video about the importance of focusing on what you really want. In the video, CEO Greta has spent six months searching for ways to reduce costs, and employee Luke gives Greta some hard truths about recent spending on a new building and office furniture. Greta feels attacked in the moment, but she takes a moment to focus on what she really wants. She shares her need to be more open about the project she’s managing to ensure her spending doesn’t appear hypocritical, even as she asks her team for budget cuts.

You might say your employees don’t have conversations like this, or that you’re not in an office setting. But the purpose of the video is to see Greta’s intent transform in that interaction—not that it’s in an office setting.

Draft Your Own

As mentioned early, we’ve recently added industry-specific exercises and practice supplements for Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue. But what if these don’t match your learners’ situations? Or what if you’re facilitating another Crucial Learning course? Use what we’ve provided as a springboard for creating your own!

Rather than drafting from scratch, use the ideas and examples we’ve provided as a starting point. For instance, some of the education supplement examples are geared toward K–12, so if you’re in higher education, what would be a comparable or parallel scenario in that world? If you’re in hospitality, how could you adapt an office scenario to fit your workplace? As you revise, remember to keep the why top of mind. Details can shift around to match your industry, even to the point of creating new scenarios—but the core principles and purpose of the exercises should remain in place.

Don’t feel like you need to create in a vacuum, either. Tap into the certified trainer community! You can always crowdsource ideas from our Facebook or LinkedIn groups.

Respond in the Moment

Being in the moment is always a good idea—and if it seems like changing the scenarios on the spot would help your learners, go for it! You know your learners best. If changing words like portfolio to project or employee to associate in real time is going to help your learners, do that.

You can also generate practice scenarios with your learners by asking for their input. Use index cards for in-person courses or the chat window for virtual courses. Ask learners to share their own challenging conversations that relate to the example in the material. Randomly choose one of their examples and have learners practice with that scenario instead of what’s in the learner guide. It doesn’t get much more real than that!

We’re excited to share resources that will help you customize your learning. Please reach out to us with questions or issues at our Help Center. And if you’ve customized scenarios like this, we want to hear about it! Feel free to share your experience in the Facebook or LinkedIn groups.

The post Giving Practice Sessions a Personalized Touch appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How do you move from hosting disparate training events to creating an intentional learning journey for learners across the organization? Caitlin Murphy, an organizational development specialist at Franciscan Alliance, recently helped to launch the first tier of Franciscan Leadership University to guide learners through recommended courses.

Franciscan Leadership University is a three-tiered program to help team members gain skills suited to their role, regardless of whether they’re brand new or seasoned leaders.

“The idea is you can be a leader at Franciscan, and you’re growing whether you’re new or you’ve been here forever,” Murphy said. “We also include some connection with our mission and our values, which is huge for us as a mission-driven organization.”

Tier one is for new managers and focuses on foundational management skills. New leaders are automatically enrolled in the program through a learning management system (LMS). In addition to Crucial Conversations® for Mastering Dialogue and Getting Things Done®, managers take courses related to Franciscan’s software systems for finance, timekeeping, and more.

Within Tier One, Murphy said her favorite course to facilitate is GTD®.

“I’m pretty comfortable with the content, and it’s just had a huge impact on me personally,” she said. “That translates when I teach it. I really enjoy helping other people, and the GTD skills can have such a big impact on your life.”

The plan for Franciscan Leadership University goes beyond classroom content. Each course includes pre- and post-work, from surveys and evaluations to discussions with leaders. A SharePoint site provides learners with additional resources, and Murphy said they hope to add an online community to foster peer-to-peer learning and discussion.

Murphy is certified in four Crucial Learning courses—Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue, Crucial Conversations for Accountability, Getting Things Done, and The Power of Habit—and she uses the resources in Trainer Zone to create a learning experience that goes beyond the classroom.

“We have the discussion guide set up in our LMS so it is automatically sent to the learner and course manager about 10 days before class—to remind them to meet and talk about their traning goals,” she said.

The program’s structure includes a six-week follow-up conversation with the course manager to see how well leaners are implementing what they’ve learned.

“At about 45 days or so, people start to feel a little wobbly—all the excitement is gone,” she said. “It’s helped learners to know that a follow-up is coming. They’ve encountered some challenges, and as their instructors we can help them address them. It also gives a chance to ask what else they want to work on. It can be hard to implement everything all at once. It’s definitely a journey.”

Plans include launching tier two, which will focus on talent management skills, engagement, retention, and career guidance. Tier three will be for higher levels of leadership and focus on strategy and mentorship—giving back and teaching newer leaders.

“We’ve paused before we develop tier two and three to get a focus group together and really look at the program,” she said. “We have competencies, but we want to look at those and say, ‘What does it look like to do that in real life, and what are your challenges for that as we develop and choose content for those things?’”

Beyond Franciscan Leadership University, Murphy offers performance consulting, where she partners with leaders to assess team issues and find solutions—and often shares ideas from her other Crucial Learning course of choice, Crucial Conversations for Accountability.

“When I first started out doing performance consulting, I didn’t really know what to do—and then it clicked as I was looking over the Crucial Conversations for Accountability content,” she said. “I realized this is basically what I’m doing. I’m helping people close gaps.”

The post Caitlin Murphy and Designing an Intentional Learning Journey appeared first on Crucial Learning.

For the past several months I’ve been working on a project in collaboration with a director from another department. A chief of staff has expressed concern about why it’s taking so long and has inserted herself into the process. She’s trying to help, but her way of managing the situation is to communicate with me and the director separately via email. Once I realized this, I responded to her and copied the director so we’d all be on the same page. In her NEXT email, the chief of staff indicated she had again communicated with us separately. I’m flummoxed about how to address this. How do I let the chief of staff know that splitting communications results in lack of shared understanding, a sense of powerlessness, and decreased collaboration and unity, even though it may be efficient for her to complete tasks?

Signed,
Left Out

Dear Left Out,

You have found yourself in a classic quandary of show versus tell. You have a concern with chief of staff’s behavior. In a respectful, subtle, unobtrusive way, you have attempted to show her a better way of communicating (“See how I copied in the director on this message? That’s the way we should communicate, hint, hint!”). But dang it all, she didn’t get it, and nothing has changed.

George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Too often we think we have communicated—we’ve hinted, implied, nudged, jested, or gestured. Surely the other person understands us! Thus, when they don’t respond, change, or agree, we become alternatively flummoxed (how can they be so ignorant?) or frustrated (how can they be so obstinate?).

You ask how you should address this. The answer is straightforward—have a candid and respectful conversation. It’s time to move from showing (“hint, hint”) to telling (“let’s talk about what is happening here”).

While the what is simple, the how can seem complex. Here are three tips for how to hold a candid and respectful conversation when someone’s behavior is impacting you.

Be Clear

No more beating around the bush. You need to explicitly articulate two things: what you want to talk about (her pattern of communicating individually rather than collectively) and why you want to talk about it (your positive intent to create a collaborative team for the good of this project and future projects). Being clear about the first helps the chief of staff understand exactly what your concern is and respond to it. Being clear about the second helps build the psychological safety that every conversation needs.

It might sound like:

“I’d like to talk about a communication pattern I have noticed that I think might be getting in the way of our collaboration and maybe even our performance. I know this project is important to both of us and we are invested in its success. I often find it more helpful if we can all communicate on the same message threads so that we are operating with the same information and a shared understanding. I have noticed that you have sent several emails either to me or my director individually.”

Be Curious

This is where most of us fall short in our conversations. We come in with a conclusion firmly fixed (yours seems to be that splitting communication is a bad approach leading to all manner of negative outcomes). Our goal in the conversation then is to tell the other person why we are right, and they are wrong. Yet we know from hard experience that those conversations never go well.

I would suggest that this is not a “I am right; you are wrong” conversation. This should be a conversation about “How can we best work together to accomplish our shared goals?” You have a way of working and communicating that you are confident will help you accomplish the goal. Presumably, the chief of staff is equally confident that her way of working will accomplish the goal. Yet how can that be when you have totally different ways of doing it? One of you must be wrong, right?

In theory, we know that there can be a range of effective approaches to the same situation. In practice, we struggle to see beyond our own proven approach. One way to see beyond yourself is to ask: why would a reasonable, rationale, decent chief of staff communicate this way?

The answer to this question may well lie in the motives and values that drive her. As Elias Porter explained in his relationship awareness theory, each of us is driven by different motives to achieve a sense of self-worth. People can gain a sense of self-worth through achieving results (performance), developing others (people), or analyzing and understanding problems (process), or a combination of these. We often choose behaviors or ways of engaging with others that are in line with these core motives. When people have different core motives, they choose different behaviors, even when trying to accomplish the same thing.

Curiosity leads us to ask: “I wonder why she is doing this? What does this way of communicating do for her? How does it satisfy her needs?”

Bring that curiosity with you to the conversation. Once you clearly share the what and why of the conversation, show that you care as much about her perspective as your own by asking for understanding.

Asking can be as simple as:

“I am curious about your approach. What does it help you accomplish?”

Be Creative

As with many conversations, you are starting from a point of “my way vs your way.” If we aren’t careful, we can become constrained by this narrow, binary view of the problem and assume that the solution will be one of the two starting options—my way or your way. Instead, bring a spirit of creativity to the conversation. Once you understand what each of you wants, step back and consider, “Are there different options for meeting our goals? What would that look like?”

Test your ideas out. Suggest a trial run of a new way of doing things. Neither of you needs to commit to a change forever. Simply be willing to try something new and check in to see how the test is going.

In your conversation, this might sound like:

“What if we tried a ten-minute huddle each morning to share info and align? We could do it for two weeks and then decide whether that approach is working.”

Relationships Outlive Projects

One last thing to remember as you step up to this Crucial Conversation: relationships are built on the accumulation of our interactions. This project is important. I get that. But my guess is that you, your director, and the chief of staff will all be working together after this project is done. Look at this conversation as a chance to both move this project forward and build a stronger working relationship for future projects.

Good luck,
Emily

PS. If you’d like to learn more about Elias Porter’s work around our motivational value systems and how they drive our behavior and impact our relationships, check out CoreStrengths.com.

The post Confronting the Chief of Staff appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I’ve noticed lately that my friend isn’t giving me her full attention when I’m speaking. She will start the conversation, but when I’m discussing a point, her attention starts to wander. Sometimes she won’t even acknowledge what I’m saying. It feels like she wants to end the conversation while I’m still speaking. It’s very hurtful and it makes me feel like she does not value what I say. How can I get her to stop doing this?

Signed,
Ignored

Dear Ignored,

In our busy, technology-saturated world, gaining and retaining people’s attention can feel like an impossible challenge. We must compete with smartphones in every hand and screens on every wall. And if not distracted by screens, people are preoccupied with an overloaded to-do list and anxiety around getting it all done. I can empathize with your frustration of not having your friend’s attention. I can also empathize with your friend who is struggling to give you the attention you deserve.

I want to share a few skills that will help in your Crucial Conversation. However, before I start, I invite you to shift your expectations. You can’t get people to do anything. People have their agency, and while the dialogue skills can influence behavior, they aren’t a form of manipulation. As you approach your friend, consider that what you share might motivate her to change the way she shows up in your interactions, and it might not. That behavior change is up to your friend, not you.

To be specific, the conversation you’ll want to hold with your friend is an accountability conversation. There is a gap between how you expect your friend to behave when you’re together and the way she is actually behaving. So, how can you attempt to close that gap?

As you approach this accountability conversation, try the following skills:

Assume the best. Rather than assume she is purposefully not giving you her full attention, assume that she is unaware of the problem. When you assume the best of someone cutting in line at Disneyland, for example, you say things like: “I’m sorry. Were you aware that we’ve been standing here in line?” This presumption of innocence avoids an accusation and starts the conversation on the right foot.

Separate intentions from outcome. You stated that when your friend’s attention starts to wander it is hurtful and makes you feel that she doesn’t really value what you have to say. While these feelings are understandable, don’t lead with them. Doing so will likely put your friend on the defense and you’ll start the conversation on an emotional cliff.

Consider that what you’re feeling isn’t the result of her direct intentions. Likely she isn’t intending to hurt you. Possibly, she’s totally unaware of how she’s showing up in your interactions. Assuming the best and separating intentions from the outcomes allows you to hold a pragmatic conversation based on facts and not perceptions. Which leads us to the next skill.

Start with the facts. You’re more likely to have a successful conversation when you start with the facts rather than your feelings. Facts are the least controversial part of what you have to say and the least likely to be debatable. To avoid a debate about the facts, I’d suggest waiting to hold your conversation until the next time these behaviors show up. So, the next time you find yourself interacting with your friend and you notice that she starts to look at her phone, or her attention wanders, pause the conversation right there and point out the behavior. It might sound like this.

“Hey, something just happened that I’d like to draw your attention to. You asked me a question, and as soon as I started to speak, you pulled out your phone and started scrolling. In fact, this is something that happens a lot when we’re together.”

Now that you’ve pointed out the behavior in the moment, you can share your conclusion. “When you start scrolling on your phone, or seem distracted by something else while we’re talking, it makes me feel like you don’t really value what I’m saying or maybe don’t want to spend time with me.”

Then check to see if you’ve got it right. “Is that what is going on or am I missing something?”

Listen. Now that you’ve shared your meaning, it’s time to listen and let your friend share hers. Don’t interject, simply listen. Perhaps you’ll learn something about why she feels the need to put her attention elsewhere when you’re together. Maybe she’s overwhelmed at work and under a lot of pressure, feeling like she needs to be constantly tethered to email. Perhaps she’s emotionally distant for other personal reasons that might surface as she shares her meaning. However, I suspect, she’ll be surprised and apologetic. She’ll say something like, “Oh no. You’re right, I am really distracted and I’m sorry that it has made you feel like I don’t value our time together. I do enjoy talking with you and I’ll try to do better.” If she is receptive in this or a similar way, then move to the next step.

Set some boundaries. Take the opportunity to set some ground rules about how you’ll act when you’re together. Say something like, “Let’s commit to putting each other first when we’re together. Could we leave our phones in our bags instead of out in the open? That will help eliminate the distraction altogether.” Or find another way to ensure that your time together is focused and meaningful.

The last step is important because it allows you to not have to repeat the conversation in the event your friend is distracted while talking in the future. You can just say, “Hey, remember how we discussed eliminating distractions when we’re together?” It also allows you to move the issue forward using the CPR skill—Content, Pattern, Relationship. This first conversation was about the content. But if it happens again, you can now address the pattern. And eventually, if needed, you would address the relationship.

If your friend truly doesn’t value your relationship enough to focus on you when you’re together, then it will soon become apparent, and you may choose to spend your time with others who do.

Best of luck in your accountability conversation.

Brittney

The post Addressing a Poor Listener appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I am a very direct individual. I struggle to work with anyone who is not direct, who is conflict-avoidant, and who does not speak up to ensure we work together effectively. Trying to make it safe for people like this feels like coddling and a waste of time. I think it’s good to learn skills to speak up, but I don’t see the benefit in placating to people who are insecure or introverted or both. Am I missing something?

Signed,
Direct

Dear Direct,

It depends on what you want. It may be true that it’s more efficient in the moment to be “very direct” and not try to make it safe for everyone to share their perspective, but virtually all the research in interpersonal communication suggests that kind of approach can be inefficient in the long run.

If you’re not communicating in a way the invites others into the conversation, the result may be tacit agreement in the moment, then later gossip, complaining, distrust, lack of engagement, and a host of other organizational illnesses that kill your culture. The dialogue skills we teach are much like any other good habit: they require effort, but they lead to better outcomes.

I’m not trying to persuade you. I’m simply sharing what the research shows. Maybe you want to conduct your own experiment and see if anything changes. Here are some tweaks to consider trying.

Examine Your View of Honesty

I get the sense that you think your approach is not a problem, but I want to challenge that assumption. I realize it can be easier to say exactly what you’re thinking and feeling instead of filtering your thoughts and comments, but reflecting on the impact of your directness may make you that much more effective. The good news is you don’t have to sacrifice honesty for another person’s feelings. You can keep both in view.

People often think honesty and respect are on a continuum—with respect on one end and honesty on the other. We assume we need to choose one or the other in our crucial interactions.

Here is what we know from studying such interactions for the last 30 years: the best don’t view honesty and respect as opposites. The best focus on communicating with 100% honesty and 100% respect.

So, the question I invite you to reflect on is this: Is your directness also respectful? Or is there the chance you sometimes sacrifice respect in your effort to be direct?

The Myth of “Brutal Honesty”

I’m not sure if this is accurate, but I worry that your “directness” may not be as respectful as you think. I think it’s important to note that being direct has nothing to do with being angry, hurtful, mean, or with “letting off steam.”

I’ve worked with dozens of people who say, “Justin, I’m just brutally honest—it’s just my personality.” I worry that these people care more about being brutal than about being honest. Being honest and direct is about being clear, specific, sincere, and authentic. So, you don’t have to be rude or short to be direct. You do need to state the observable facts of the situation and your perspective about those facts.

It’s dishonest to express our opinions as facts, which is what we often do in crucial moments. Conversely, it’s honest to recognize and make it clear that our opinions are just that—opinions. It’s also honest to recognize that more than one opinion exists and that other perspectives may be more accurate than ours. And those are facts. The model I use for starting even the toughest conversations is this:

• Share your facts
• Tell your story (opinion)
• Ask for others’ perspectives

Being “direct,” as you state, is fine so long as it’s not filled with a raised voice, labels, or overstated opinions. Directness contributes to the discussion when it’s filled with facts, observations, and opinions shared as opinions.

Lift Others, Don’t Placate to Them

The people who you think are not being direct may be so pre-occupied with their need to be nice that they are too light on honesty. But it also may be true that they don’t feel safe to speak up because of how direct you are. Most leaders I know who have this habit aren’t aware they have it. They see themselves as bold defenders of truth, while everyone else sees them as overbearing steamrollers.

There’s a hilarious episode of The Office where the uber-confident salesperson Robert California tells Jim, who is reticent to speak openly, that “The fallacy is that [psychological safety] is up to the steamroller. [In truth] it is up to the object whether it will be flattened or not.”

Wow! The implication is that it’s up to others to stand up to the person doing the steamrolling.

While it’s true that we are responsible for our own sense of psychological safety, it’s also true that when we feel threatened or disrespected, our tendency is to fight, flee, or freeze. Not taking responsibility for safety in a dialogue would be like not taking responsibility for safety on a tandem bicycle. If even one person doesn’t care about the safety of everyone involved, it can lead to disastrous results.

So, you can make it easier for people to speak up by asking for their opinions before expressing yours. And then when it’s time to talk, don’t overstate your opinions. Start with observable facts, then share your interpretation of the facts, then invite others to respond.

Justin

The post Why Should I Cater to People Who are Afraid to Speak Their Mind? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

My 80-year-old dad is experiencing cognitive decline, has had eye surgery on both eyes, and is deaf. One of my siblings says that my dad is a “terrifying” driver. But no one in the family is doing anything about it, probably because they’re all busy raising families. How can I talk to them about my dad’s driving? And how can we talk to our dad, who will not take lightly his car keys being taken by his children?

Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I am sorry to hear about your father. It’s never fun to watch your parents age and decline in their abilities. Your concern for his driving is appropriate, as is your concern for how he will respond to the conversation. No one wants to admit, let alone experience, limitations that come due to aging.

This is a conversation that many people will face with their parents. While for your dad it’s his vision and hearing, for others it could be medical conditions that impair their abilities. Regardless of the limitations, the challenge a child faces is convincing a parent that they are now placing themselves and the public at risk.

My guess is your father, while aware that he’s no longer as keen as he once was, probably feels that he’s still capable. In addition, he may see surrendering his keys as the end of the life he’s always known. Lost is the ability to visit others, or go to the store, or even go out to eat. You see driving as a danger. He sees not driving as a loss of freedom.

So how do you bridge the gap? How do you help him understand that in his current state he shouldn’t be driving? The potential is for you to argue your concerns and for him to argue his counterpoints. That accomplishes nothing and may damage your relationship.

It sounds like your siblings agree and have the same concerns about your father’s driving. It may make sense to have a unified front and to visit with your father together. If that’s not possible, this may be something you have to do on your own, representing the family.

The real question is how do you make your father’s surrender of his car keys his idea? Or, at the very least, something he agrees to do? Here are some suggestions to help you in this quest:

Focus on what you really want. As you speak to your father, begin by letting him know that you’d like to talk to him about his driving and some of your concerns. Share your good intent. One of the best ways of doing so is by contrasting what you do want with what you don’t want. You feel it’s time for him to stop driving, but you don’t want him to feel like he’s losing his freedom or mobility. You actually want to allow his mobility without the potential risks of his driving,

Use facts to explain your concerns. While you and your siblings may feel as if your father’s driving is “terrifying,” explaining that to your dad will trigger a defensive response as he digs in and defends his stance. What makes his driving “terrifying?” Share the facts of your father’s dangerous encounters while driving. Begin with his most recent and add others that support your concerns.

Invite him to share. The key is to engage in dialogue rather than a monologue of you telling him it’s time to turn in his keys. Remember the goal is to help him to decide to do so. After sharing your facts (what you’ve noticed) and your concerns (why it matters), ask him to share his perspective. Inviting him to participate in the conversation will help him feel included in the final decision.

Seek a mutual purpose. Avoid too much focus on the dangers of his horrible driving and that he needs to stop driving. Instead, focus on finding a solution that makes doing so acceptable in his eyes. A mutual purpose is a win-win for both you and your father. Explain you want to find a solution that allows him the flexibility and freedom he seeks, while at the same time avoids the potential dangers of him driving with his limited vision, hearing, and cognitive decline.

Come prepared with suggestions. It may be helpful to do some homework before approaching your father. Look into the options available that will help your father maintain his freedom as well as allow him to stay connected with others and do the things he wants to do. Maybe you can teach your father how to use rideshare services like Uber or Lyft. Doing so will help establish your intent that giving up the car keys doesn’t mean giving up on life. This may improve the likelihood of your father making a smooth transition.

Best of luck to you as you approach this difficult conversation.

If you’ve had experiences delivering difficult news to an aging parent, please add any insights you have learned in the comments.

Sincerely,
Scott

The post How to Confront an Aging Parent about Their Driving appeared first on Crucial Learning.

When I facilitate, I engage the entire class in answering tough questions to get a variety of perspectives. However, last fall I had a new experience where my tried-and-true strategy yielded little more than uncomfortable silence.

During the class, a learner asked how the Crucial Conversations® for Mastering Dialogue skills work if someone is not in a position of power—or, in their words, “not white or cisgender.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

In that moment I wanted to protect the psychological safety in the room, respect the question, and offer valuable insight. However, while I did my best to validate the perspective of the learner, I wasn’t sure I had a great answer.

As I unpacked this experience after class had ended, I tapped into the collective wisdom of Crucial Learning subject matter experts whose opinions I value and discovered that this was not an uncommon question. Learners have posed questions around a variety of sensitive topics, from power differentials to gender differences and race to applying the skills in a context of neurodiversity.

So, as trainers, how do we answer those tough questions? My purpose today is not to answer such questions, but to provide some resources and ideas that will help you respond when you receive them.

The first resource I always consult is the “Trainer Resources” in the back of each Trainer Guide, which includes examples of difficult questions with thoughtful answers. Specifically, I consult the “Yeah, but” section of the trainer resources (see page 223 of the Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue Trainer Guide).

If I am not able to find the answer there, I will look at the index in the corresponding book to examine the topic in more detail from the perspective of the book authors and researchers.

Another resource I rely on is my esteemed colleagues. Likewise, you can tap into a great source of support and knowledge within the Crucial Learning Trainers groups on both Facebook and LinkedIn. In these groups, certified trainers can pose questions and get answers from fellow certified trainers, master trainers, and Crucial Learning experts.

Here’s just one insight I gained from a colleague. If we watch closely, every video in Mastering Dialogue reflects a power differential. This is no accident, for ALL Crucial Conversations bring power differentials to the surface, whether in the form of position, gender, or race, or in the form of social status, outspokenness, or ability to articulate ideas. From the first video in Get Unstuck featuring Anya and Kim to the interaction between Danor and Jeet in Explore Others’ Paths, a power differential exists. The authors of the content always say that if the skills aren’t powerful enough to hold the toughest conversations with the toughest people, then they aren’t practical for the real world.

When learners ask tough questions, we may need to focus more on helping them see the benefit of Master My Stories, inviting them to examine their beliefs that would render them powerless. Help learners challenge the stories that may impact their dialogue in situations where they feel that some dynamic exists that would render the skills useless. As we teach the Victim, Villain, Helpless stories, we teach learners to ask, “What CAN I do to move towards what I really want?” Power differentials will always exist, but that does not necessarily mean some people are powerless. We may not be able to change or influence everything in our situation, but what conversations CAN we have? What influence IS possible? Where can we start?

The feedback I received was more than valuable. It gave me not only the answer to the difficult question I had been asked, but it also gave me a new way to both hear and answer these hard questions. While Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue is not a course on diversity, equity, and inclusion, each lesson teaches us that there is a pool of shared meaning, and the aim of dialogue is to invite and allow everyone to contribute to it. In other words, everybody gets a seat at the table—regardless of race, religion, gender identity, sexual orientation, nationality, political viewpoint, ability, or experience. Dialogue is the goal. The skills taught in the course grant us voice. They give us power to discuss what was previously undiscussable.

For a deeper look at how Crucial Conversations skills can be leveraged as a framework to initiate and sustain conversations about race, gender, equity, and other often avoided and very necessary topics, check out our November 2023 trainer webinar, Connecting DE&I with Dialogue: Leveraging Crucial Conversations Skills for Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging Initiatives.

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How do you continue the learning journey when your organization has trained most employees? Kara Cuzzetto offers coaching sessions and holds semiannual refresher sessions to help her team keep their Crucial Conversations® skills sharp.

Cuzzetto works as a senior continuous improvement manager in the Finance and Business Operations Division of King County, the county in Washington state that includes Seattle. King County has ingrained Crucial Conversations into its culture. All new employees attend Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue during orientation, but training doesn’t stop there.

“Crucial Conversations is part of our clarity map goals and our strategic directional—what we call our true north—and the concepts and the tools of Crucial Conversations are part of how we expect team members to show up,” Cuzzetto said. “It’s more than, ‘Oh, you need to have a Crucial Conversation with that person.’ It’s gotten to the point where it’s like, ‘Let’s role-play that. Let’s have a conversation on how you might go about having that conversation.’”

Cuzzetto seeks to keep these skills at the top of team members’ minds by hosting a virtual 90-minute refresher session every six months. She advertises the session in her weekly division newsletter for the two editions before the session, and people who sign up to attend receive a reminder email the day before. After the session, Cuzzetto sends attendees the slide deck and posts it to SharePoint for broader reference.

The refresher session builds on the entire Crucial Conversations model, focusing on the core of each module within the Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue course. Two weeks before the refresher session, Cuzzetto reviews her files and makes updates based on any questions that learners have brought up in the six months since the last refresher.

“What does it mean to be stuck, right?” she said. “We talk about that. ‘How are you not moving forward and even stuck in old patterns, tactics, and techniques you’ve used that haven’t worked?’ And then we move into asking where is your intent? ‘Are you going into the conversation to win or place blame? Are you really going in with that sense of curiosity, and how do you make sure that you’re sharing just your facts as facts and moving into your story and then genuinely asking, from a place of curiosity, how do they feel?’”

Cuzzetto seeks to make the refresher sessions as interactive as possible, using polls and role-playing, like in the course, complete with an initiator, respondent, and coach.

“The Crucial Conversations content is easy to customize and to make it very relatable to our work environments and how we show up, and we’re able to tell real-life stories around similar situations,” she said.

As for the content, Cuzzetto said she reminds her learners that the Pool of Shared Meaning is the most important piece.

“It’s about the dialogue and the conversation that happens there,” she said. “It’s the Spider-Man rule for me: ‘With great knowledge comes great responsibility.’ We are responsible for keeping that dialogue going. And so, when we recognize the conversation is going off the rails, I really try to remind them of those skills like CPR—thinking about content, pattern, or relationship and what is the right conversation to have? Is it about what’s happening now, or is it deeper?”

Equity and social justice are significant initiatives for King County, so Cuzzetto said she tailors Crucial Conversations content to meet the county’s focus on those conversations.

“It’s not just about places that your organization might be missing those conversations—it’s also about opening up for those equity questions,” she said. “We’re always looking for opportunities to use the Crucial Conversations framework to have those hard equity conversations.”

Cuzzetto said about 30 to 90 employees will attend the refresher sessions among a staff of about 200.

In addition to the group refreshers, Cuzzetto offers one-on-one coaching sessions to her course graduates. She said they know they can put an appointment on her calendar to workshop how to handle a specific situation they’re facing.

“Stakes are high,” Cuzzetto said. “We have a lot of emotions, and we might not be on the same page, so we really feel like Crucial Conversations gives all of our employees that foundation so they can move into areas where people might be feeling uncomfortable and gives them some skills and some tools to navigate those conversations with the results in mind, always thinking about what we as a team are trying to achieve.”

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How can I find the strength to say what I need to say when someone does me wrong? I struggle to tell people when I’m bothered because I believe I will get in a heated argument with them and get lost for words. Sometimes my dad raises his voice at me and I just keep quiet. Sometimes a colleague will speak to me in a threatening voice and I say nothing. Sometimes someone makes my child cry and I still say nothing, and so on. These often feel like life-or-death situations, and afterward I blame myself for being weak. Sometimes I so badly regret not speaking up that I can’t even sleep at night, playing over and over in my head what I should have said. What can I do?

Signed,
Timid

Dear Timid,

When you say you lack “strength” to speak up, what I hear is you lack confidence. One way to increase confidence is to develop skills. As your ability to do a behavior increases, your confidence to do it also increases.

The other way to increase confidence is to address your thinking. Are there beliefs or attitudes contributing to your lack of confidence? Unless your thinking changes, your behavior is unlikely to shift by much, whether you practice new behaviors or not.

So, let’s start there.

Instead of playing over and over in your head what you wish you would have said, examine why you find yourself in this pattern of behavior.

In Crucial Conversations we teach a concept called Master My Stories. The premise is this: the stories we tell ourselves shape our interpretation of events and our behavior. While we teach this concept as it relates to moments of conflict, it can be applied much more broadly.

Another word for story is belief. I suspect that your lack of “strength” to speak up for yourself is not merely the result of not knowing what to say. It is likely grounded in beliefs and perspectives that have been formed during your life and run years deep. They are embodied and have been shaped by your experiences. What are they?

Perhaps you’ve spoken up in the past only to make matters worse. Maybe those attempts have damaged your relationships or reputation. Perhaps you’ve determined that no one will listen to or care about what you have to say. Whatever it is, somewhere along the way you’ve come to the conclusion, consciously or not, that it’s better to remain silent than to speak up for yourself.

Uncovering the underlying premises does not mean you will be able to immediately shake them off. Changing our perspectives often entails years of work. Awareness is simply the first step. Based on my reading of your question, this is where I recommend you begin.

As you work to uncover your beliefs, I invite you to replace them with this belief: you are a source of power and responsibility in the world.

If you aren’t already familiar with it, all our work is rooted in this idea. Each of our courses and books teaches a framework that invites us to see ourselves as agents in a world where it is tempting to believe we aren’t. This framework places power and responsibility in ourselves.

Why is this important? It is my experience that patterns of self-defeating or destructive behavior have their root in beliefs that either (1) ignore our power of agency or (2) justify efforts to avoid taking responsibility for it.

Now, you may not be convinced of that. That’s ok. I know many who see what I’ve just outlined as objectively true, as in capital-T truth, and I’m sure there are those who think it false. I, on the other hand, am agnostic. Maybe it’s true, and maybe it’s a useful story.

But if it’s a story, then, like other stories, it has power to shape our interpretations of events and our behavior. In other words, to some degree our capacity to change our behaviors and outcomes depends on the belief that we can do so.

Consider that as you search yourself for self-limiting beliefs. You must develop the feeling that, somewhere and somehow, you have a perspective worth sharing.

Next, what can you say?

I feel that what I’m about to suggest is grossly inadequate. There are likely dozens of steps you can and probably should take on the road to confidence to stand up for yourself, but I hope this gives you a starting point: affirm and preserve your sense of self-worth.

To affirm your sense of self-worth, just say no. “You can’t talk to me like that.” “No.” “You can’t disrespect me.” “I won’t listen to this.” Find an expression that allows you to calmly but surely affirm you will not tolerate being disrespected.

To preserve your sense of self-worth, leave. Excuse yourself. Get to another room, a friend’s house, another colleague’s office. State your affirmation, then say, “Excuse me.” And go.

Please don’t take these suggestions as a copout or a sign of weakness. In the words of Albert Camus, “Saying no does not mean giving up. It also means saying yes, with every gesture.” Say yes to yourself.

Finally, I’ve responded to your question on the assumption that you’re not in danger but have developed a habit of allowing others to disrespect and disregard you. If it’s worse than that—if you are being bullied—I urge you to seek safety and professional help.

And don’t stop here. I’ve shared what I have as a starting point only. Continue to learn and work on your ability to speak up. In addition to our books and courses, you’ll find across our website dozens of free videos, articles, and webinars that can help you on your journey.

Good luck,
Ryan

This article was edited by the author March 7, 2024 to clarify a point about the power of the stories we tell ourselves.

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