Comments on: How to Confront an Aging Parent about Their Driving

By: Elaine

Elaine — Tue, 02 Apr 2024 18:35:55 +0000

In reply to Lynne Stroyne. Thank you Lynne. In the area where we live a car is needed for medical appointments, groceries, going to church and social activities including even the Senior Center. When my in laws reached this stage our children were in High school with lots of activities. My in laws lived an hour away and all the adult children worked. They had many appointments and neither could drive due to physical and visual impairments. Even with taking the adult children taking turns it was a lot of support.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Sun, 24 Mar 2024 11:21:39 +0000

Hello,
My dad had dementia. In the early years the conversation could take place AND he continually forgot the plan. As dementia progressed the conversation would not go well angry outbursts with chasing my father through neighborhoods would happen. We did many a loving actions to get my dad off the road and move my parents close to us. Physically he was in better shape than my mom who is still doing well. Dad would always slide into the drivers seat first. My story as many people who live with people with dementia continues for 10 years. In short, we flew in my dads brother and hid his RV. My sister or I would grab car keys when going some place and hop in the drivers seat first. My dad would complain. We would usually say something positive and upbeat about him being able to relax and enjoy his surroundings. He would love to sing so music or sing to move his mind away from the focus of wanting to drive helped. Due to loss of eyesight he would often think we were about to hit into a car or a car was too close to his side. This would case cursing and emotional outburst as well as thinking he should drive. We never denied what was happening and how freightening it was but quickly would move the emotions back into something more positive.
Teepa Snow OT trainings online were incredibly helpful. She has a ton of free information as well.
Best wishes for you, your dad and your family.

By: Terri Davis

Terri Davis — Thu, 21 Mar 2024 14:22:12 +0000

We experience the situation with my cute very active 91 year old favorite mother-in-law 🙂
We met as a family after some of her friends had relayed a concerning driving experience to us, but who had not had the courage to talk to her about it.
As siblings beforehand, we asked questions of each other and shared our individual experiences of what we knew first hand then organized a time when we could meet together as a family so we could get her perspective and also relay our concerns. We let her know we wanted to talk about some concerns with driving a few days ahead of time, so she could be thinking about that.
We asked if she felt that things were good with her current driving situation to start the discussion- this provided insight and content for our discussion-her perspective provided a framework to work from.Asking a question instead of starting with assumption is such a great tool!
We formatted the discussion using what we did want (for her to have control of her schedule and activities, and ability to participate in her normal, comings and goings), and what we didn’t want (her to feel devalued, lose control of her independence in a way that negatively impacted her social life and systems and for passengers to feel unsafe or get hurt or killed in a tragic avoidable traffic accident).
We also built our discussion on some of her self- regulating habits she had already put in place such as not driving after dark and distances longer than outside of a smaller driving area.
Importantly, after we had expressed our concerns, and listened to what she was thinking and feeling, we agreed to meet back One week later so she could help us come up with a plan that was workable for her and us. Giving her that week of time to come up with alternative ideas was key and leaving her in control but with the added knowledge of our concerns.
This required some changes on our part as well – we made ourselves more available to help drive her to her activities, we started participating in a grocery delivery program- she made out the shopping list and we helped her put it in the computer 🙂 she learned to love and actually, look forward to this, we checked with her and with her every Sunday so she could tell us what she needed help with transportation wise for the week 🙂
This blessed her and our lives in many ways, and continued to open the door for great communication about other aging related concerns as they came along.

By: Elizabeth Richards

Elizabeth Richards — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 22:32:22 +0000

In reply to Debbie Howard. Debbie, That's beautiful. How lovely to give him the time to dream and adapt on his own.

By: Teresa Barry

Teresa Barry — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 17:02:50 +0000

I also encourage you to research your community for senior services. In my area, we have an organization that provides free on-call rides for seniors so they can continue experiencing independence after their driving ceases. Check with state organizations to get referrals, call a 2-1-1 info system, etc., to find existing services that might not charge seniors (call a large church in the area that might be able to point the way, as they likely know who provides free rides to their facility!).

By: Tom

Tom — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 16:40:43 +0000

I went through this recently. And Iwould recommend one other step prior to talking to Dad. Evaluate his driving ability yourself if you can, and get more than one siblings input. Go someplace with him and let Him Drive. If he prefers that you drive, that is a tell. Talk to him about where he is driving. He may already be limiting himself to what he is comfortable with. And Find out what special rules may be in place in your state for deaf drivers.

By: Lynne Stroyne

Lynne Stroyne — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:31:50 +0000

There is a point here that is not addressed. Especially in the US, when you take away the ability to drive, there is little to no services/public transportation for your loved one to use. When you enter this stage, you better be willing and able to be a driver for them or hire a driver. Ride share services are not plentiful in all areas and using an app is not always feasible for an older person.

By: Debbie Howard

Debbie Howard — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:24:56 +0000

I had this conversation with my Dad after he had a stroke and was in Assisted Living. My dad always loved his cars and took excellent care of them. We decided to leave his car in the Assisted Living’s parking lot. He did not have the keys, but he really liked being able to see his car and think (maybe dream) of driving again. It wasn’t long before he decided to give his car to a grandchild. But it was his decision and he didn’t have to quickly adjust to not having a car.

By: Gayle

Gayle — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:09:08 +0000

I try to use Crucial Conversation techniques with my fiercely independent mother whose vision and cognitive abilities are both declining. For the most part they’ve been incredibly helpful, however, we got stuck on the driving issue.

On the advice of my brother-in-law, during one of our conversations I asked her, “Well, so are you planning to stop driving before or after the accident?”

She responded that she wasn’t really concerned about getting injured, because her mini-SUV was very safe and she never drove very far or very fast.

I responded, “I think that could very well be true, but what about the pedestrian you didn’t see? ”

Two days later she called to say she’d decided to stop driving.

By: Elizabeth Richards

Elizabeth Richards — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 15:05:13 +0000

First, let me say that this is hard. But also an honor. You’ve worked hard at conversation skills and now you are the one to pick up this task–maybe because you are the best one to do it with dignity for your father. And that is a huge gift to everyone.

Second, This is a much bigger change than you think it is. I had this conversation with my Mother 8 months ago. She hadn’t driven since she had moved to assisted living a year ago but she suddenly brought it up. It’s probably the hardest conversation we ever had (and I’ve been helping her for 12 years.) Not driving seemed to get at something fundamental for her–not merely a loss of freedom but some loss of self. Who am I if I’m just a big baby to be carted around by others?

Consider your father’s values. How does he define himself? By helping other? Being independent? How do those change without a car? How can your father express those values without a car? It can help to consider that your goal is how he can remain whole while serving the larger community.

Some practical thoughts:
Contact a local driving school. They can provide a driving assessment. They may not be willing to make a judgement but they can give you facts about what they observe. (And maybe he’s not that bad or can restrict his driving to a few blocks.)

Find and start using alternatives before you have the conversation.

If appropriate talk about some positives like what will he do with the money from selling the car? Mother picked some big ticket charitable contributions like funding a water well in India. Maybe get a grandchild to teach him about Uber and they can go on an adventure together.

Good luck and God Bless.