Comments on: How to Enjoy a Difficult Relationship

By: Gabrielle Dalsasso

Gabrielle Dalsasso — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 00:42:42 +0000

Great perspective and advice.

By: Donna

Donna — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 14:25:44 +0000

Hello, Emily. Thank you for this deep insight. I have actually passed this on to a few of my co-workers who are having difficulties with their managers. The differences between the managers (personality, style of leadership, communication skills [or lack of]), and their direct reports plays out almost daily, but most certainly in those times of 1:1s or when needing assistance or information in order to accomplish a goal or task. It is fascinating to me how much we refuse to see that we’re not willing to change but how insistent we can be that others change. The acceptance, understanding, and embracing of the differences can bring great freedom, and possibly great clarity of how to move forward, especially in light of expectations and hopes that just need to be set aside. Thanks for this wise word!

By: Ray Ellison

Ray Ellison — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 03:02:47 +0000

Well done!!

By: Talia Champlin

Talia Champlin — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 23:56:53 +0000

This was well-written and informative. Thank you!!! (And my sister will probably thank you, too!)

By: Bill

Bill — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 20:10:38 +0000

Emily… you’re best work to date! Bravo
RE: your response to – How to Enjoy a Difficult Relationship

By: clear conscience

clear conscience — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 19:10:26 +0000

I have 3 sisters, but the one that I have deep conflict with is my twin sister. Despite 45 years of on and off conflict, we’ve maintained a relationship for many years. In recent years the relationship has improved thanks to Crucial Conversations prinicples. I first read Crucial Conversations in 2004 during a book review with my employer. I was amazed and in awe of the book and felt it was the missing link in my life. After learning the concepts and applying them in my life, I facilitated book reviews with multiple teams at work. My manager would also use the principles to further develop my leadership skills and for this I am so grateful. I then started applying the principles during crucial conversations with my family and my sister in our then daily conversations. I can remember my sisters amazement when I first applied the principles and went out on a limb to ask her to “find the shared pool of meaning” or recognize what her agenda was and even sharing how fast she was telling stories. I was even able to share with her feedback if she was villainizing her boyfriend, my mom, her kids or acting like a victim (and as I sit here writing this I recall how afraid I was each time I would ask her if I could tell her how she sounded.). In the beginning she was so amazed at the explanation of these concepts that she actually asked me where I Iearned “all this” from, so I gave her my Crucial Conversations book. Sadly, in the last year things haven’t gone as well and we had a major falling out. The difference is that I made a decision in my life that she simply can’t accept and she clearly and without hesitation has made her disapproval very clear to me and other family members. Instead of changing my decision I am holding strong to my boundaries and have a clear conscience about my decision. I’ve spent so much time soul searching what actions I should take with my sister. During our recent arguments I told her that I still loved her and wanted her in my life even though we don’t see eye to eye we should still talk. Sadly, after repeated failed attempts and starting with heart, I am done being the one reaching out. I have learned to accept that the consequences of my decision to enforce my boundaries and believe in my decision, even if it means I am not able to have a relationship with my sister. I can rest at night and have peace within only because I tried to avoid this outcome through my prior conversations with her. I do hope that she has a change of heart, develops a better understanding in the future and if she calls me I will be open to having a relationship with her but will hold strong on my decision.

By: Yvette Pinchback

Yvette Pinchback — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:48:00 +0000

This is an amazing response to a very intimate dilemma. I too want this fun, kooky gratifying relationship with my sister. She is so self centered/hurting that I can hardly stand her. Now looking at her from the heart and wanting even a moment of peace for her. Allows me to move forward and not feel like a tyrant of fun. Yes I can now let go of what I wanted and focus on what I can have for both of us. Thank you. Thank you.

Yvette

By: Carol Galvin

Carol Galvin — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:39:44 +0000

Thank you for such a refreshing and helpful perspective.
I am reminded of the beautiful Serenity Prayer.
I cant and don’t want to go around trying to change others (but boy have I tried). Its not my job plus, it is exhausting, frustrating and I can find no peace. Influence-yes- but change-no. What a great place it is when I am able to accept others exactly as they are and not who I would have them be, so I can be ok. I really appreciate it when others allow me to be who I am without out trying to fix, control or change me. I am learning to extend this same curtesy and respect to others even when we don’t see eye to eye. Easy…no way. Possible…absolutely.

By: Lydia Lawson

Lydia Lawson — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 17:18:14 +0000

Thank you for this perspective! I am in a similar situation and by simply reading the words “When did seeing eye-to-eye become the goal?” released me from that unattainable goal I was trying to reach. I now know how to approach my sister differently and this bring me joy!

By: Susan Morrell

Susan Morrell — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 15:39:37 +0000

Great response! I have a similar situation with my sister who as a few years younger than me. I’ll leave out all the details of our lives and how she can drive me and our brother (who is 13 years younger than me) crazy. Suffice it to say, we’ve had some real head-butting confrontations with her. The thing is, about 10 years ago, I came to the realization that we’ll never have the kind of relationship that I see other sisters share and I should stop trying to do so. I wrote her a letter, was very honest and loving and she agreed and accepted it! I still cringe when I see her face come up on my cell phone, but I’ve learned (am still learning) to take a deep breath and decide if I want to deal with her drama then or not. I don’t have to answer the call after all! For me, the stress is less and the little interaction we do have is much better. Superficial maybe, but I’d rather have that than constant bickering and stress. Thanks.