Comments on: Recovering from False Perceptions

By: False Perceptions Revisited | Shared Visions

False Perceptions Revisited | Shared Visions — Wed, 14 Sep 2016 12:34:13 +0000

[…] appreciated your blog article Recovering from False Perceptions. I agree that apologies can do more harm than good, and it is important to assess the need and/or […]

By: False Perceptions Revisited | Crucial Skills

False Perceptions Revisited | Crucial Skills — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 22:11:11 +0000

[…] appreciated your blog article Recovering from False Perceptions. I agree that apologies can do more harm than good and it is important to assess the need and/or […]

By: Grizzly Bear Mom

Grizzly Bear Mom — Mon, 09 May 2016 14:54:09 +0000

In reply to Andy Carnahan.

So much wisdom in your joke Andy Carnahan! Alcoholics Anonymous says that we ask for forgiveness only when it doesn’t hurt others; so a lot of us are going to be the only one stewing in our own juices.

I’d like to see how Crucial Non-Conversations could be a best seller. We sure need to “shut up in 7 different languages”.

By: Grizzly Bear Mom

Grizzly Bear Mom — Mon, 09 May 2016 14:51:06 +0000

In reply to Dr jim sellner PhD., dipC.. I am going to ponder this. I come from a family that lives off of my mother, yet call ME cheap. I am thrifty. I have no back up. I was wondering if I should say something like "I PAY your brother to watch my dog when I fly to Europe." How much do you pay my mom for child care, food and lodging?" They have been in mom's house since 1991 and owe her hundreds of thousands.

By: CharlesD

CharlesD — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 14:24:22 +0000

Not your battle, Terri.

If your sisters entangle you, participate. However, do so kindly and gently (start with heart) to reveal truth. Use questions like “What makes you think that?” “When did she say/do that?” “Why do you feel this way, exactly?”

By: CharlesD

CharlesD — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 14:08:12 +0000

In reply to Gladys. Well stated, Gladys. Short & precise. CharlesD

By: Terri

Terri — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 15:01:44 +0000

This is brilliant analysis of common communication problems that often blow up relationships. As a therapist and a middle sister in a triangle of false perceptions, I find myself trying to weed through the minefields of these kinds of blow ups on a regular basis. I’m wondering how I can share this article with my sisters who chronically battle each other with a war of words. Not wanting to come off as righteous, I want to be a peacemaker and try to help mend some broken fences. Thoughts??

By: Andy Carnahan

Andy Carnahan — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 06:20:32 +0000

Really sage advice, Emily. Sitting with and managing our own guilt for our own mis-perceptions rather than wanting to burden the other person with our catharsis. Hard to do, but you have explained beautifully why this road less travelled is a kinder and better path.

And I really appreciate the other posts in this thread as well.

Will we now see Crucial non-conversations as a best seller?

By: Gladys

Gladys — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 21:31:27 +0000

In reply to Dr jim sellner PhD., dipC.. I think some people may be missing the finer points of the discussion. Person A had a bad opinion of person B. Person A realized that they were WRONG to have that opinion. Person A never behaved badly toward Person B based on what they thought. The only person who was harmed was Person A. Therefore Person A should NOT tell Person B what they were thinking. It's not going to help Person B and could actually harm them. This is MUCH different than NOT having a conversation about Person B about an opinion that is valid and based on Person B's behavior which would need to be addressed for the health of the relationship. Anyway that's how I read the story about FALSE perceptions.

By: Dr jim sellner PhD., dipC.

Dr jim sellner PhD., dipC. — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 19:38:49 +0000

Hi Emily,
Thank you for your article.
After having counseled about 1000 couples over the years, I disagree with you view of reasons not to share.
yes, the three points you make are difficult to deal with for both parties. My question to people in this dilemma is “Do you want to die lonely?”
Intimacy calls for self-disclosure including the Good “I love you.”; the Bad “I have a difficulty when you yell at me.”‘ The Ugly “right now I am not feeling that close to you.”; the Beautiful ” I love your beauty, your courage to face difficulties, your loving spirit, you light up my life.”
Not self-disclosing for fear of “hurting the other” implies that the other is weak and cannot handle life – which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – they act weak.
Cheers
Dr. Jim Sellner, PhD., DipC.