I agree with your statement regarding him taking on caretaking. I was the primary caretaker, nutritional gatekeeper & handled all the bill paying. I also worked nights & shiftwork or modified my schedule to handle most things releated to the family. So while I sincerely agree with you point, “Perhaps ‘he’ could do some of the caretaking and allow her some time for herself.” However, that is just a first step. Once he takes that under his belt, and adjusts his healthy lifestyle, he should definately move on to take more of her responsibilities, until they are truely shared. Take on the food shopping, cooking/cleaning. Because he is correct in the fact that she may dig herself a hole that she cannot come back from. I personnally ended up with physical damage to both my feet, then knees at a young age, due to my weight gains & extended physical exertion, caring all that weight(plus the added weight of many items 50-70+ lbs), this while working exteneded shifts on concrete floors.
I may be telling myself a story, because my experience is that women typically take on the larger share of the home workload, plus work full time. While men typically believe they are doing thier share. The only way to truely divide the household workload it to switch. Come up with a plan of what you believe is a fair division of duties. Then after 2 or 3 months, completely switch all duties. Then you each walk in the others shoes.
This didn’t happen for me until I was older when the economy dumped in 2007(construction families were the 1st to be hit by the depression), & my construction hubby ended up not having any work. It was very interesting to see the realization of the how much home/housework was actually there for a simple family of four, when you never had to do it.

Absolutely frustrating agreed. First point reflected back: Men in general think first with their eyes then their hearts. He should consider where his eyes go and where they return. His wife notices and her response in his POV reflects this.

She is a shift worker and that leads to obesity because meal and sleep patterns shift. This is well documented in reliable science based research.

I noted that division of labour is very present here by what was not said. This conversation needs to happen and then he needs to pick up his part in this and do some dirty work and use some elbow grease.

Maybe they need to revisit the personal care of an adult daughter. Being a 24/7 caregiver is an incredible burden. What about more outside help and sharing of the duties? He did not state his contributions. Is this all on her shoulders?

The one who is the nutritional gatekeeper could be the food police, or the eternal cookie provider, or some happy balance. It is a huge responsibility to be the one totally responsible for food provision and preparation and cleanup. He again needs to step up to the plate. (and not just to enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labour.)

She is around the magic age where a woman’s body does one of two things, depending on genes and lifestyle. She either gains weight or loses weight. Each has its benefits and difficulties. He could do some good science based research reading and adjust his requirements for his happy life.

She is the wife of his youth and as such deserves some respect in her maturing years. He has not done this and needs to PDQ before she has a health incident or loses 180 pounds instantly. He clearly has not fed her heart so that her attention turns to the two of them individually and as a couple, not just her daughter and the family budget.

He is blessed with the opportunity to turn this around. Get they rear end in forward gear and push the vacuum, cook some meals, and hire a caregiver for respite care, etc. with enthusiasm. Only he can turn himself around and keep his eyes and heart focused on the wife of his youth .

This is my take as well! Instead of trying to take control of her eating so she won’t be fat and ugly anymore (which is what this comes off as complaining about), how about helping your sick daughter and letting your wife get some chill time? Jeez.

Completely agree. His concern is about himself and not her. He should be worried about why a presumably middle-aged person would suddenly gain weight–Is she depressed and in need of medical care? Certainly the devastating illness of a child could make anyone depressed. Working different shifts in and of itself is not healthy–is he allowing her to sleep enough? Is she doing all the caretaking of her daughter? Perhaps he could do some of the caretaking and allow her some time for herself. This would be more loving than not letting her shop for groceries. The reasons for overweight and obesity have nothing to do with how much one cares about one’s physical appearance–hardly anyone does not care about their physical appearance deep down. He is making a value judgement about her and she is well aware of that. She needs support and kindness, not judgement. His “concern for her health” is disingenuous.