Comments on: Helping a Grieving Brother

By: Brian Taylor

Brian Taylor — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 23:36:36 +0000

It’s a good point you make about making conversations the norm, Kerry. Years ago, I was working for a company with the executive offices one floor above the main office. It became common knowledge that the only time the CEO ventured downstairs was when there was a problem or serious
issue he wanted to address. So, everytime the CEO came into view it was like an early warning beacon and everyone’s defences were automatically triggered. Even with Crucial Conversation skills this kind of pattern maximises the difficulty of getting others involved and achieving a positive outcome.
Regards,

Brian Taylor
Managing Director
SYDNEY INSTITUTE OF MANAGEMENT
Vital Smarts USA Certified
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Phone: 612 9953 4545
Email: brian@sydneyman.com.au
Website: http://www.sydneyman.com.au

By: Tweets that mention Crucial Skills » Helping a Grieving Brother -- Topsy.com

Tweets that mention Crucial Skills » Helping a Grieving Brother -- Topsy.com — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 21:34:18 +0000

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Joseph Grenny, Crucial Skills. Crucial Skills said: Crucial Skills: Helping a Grieving Brother http://bit.ly/btFBNd #newsletter […]

By: Rob McTague

Rob McTague — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 20:49:33 +0000

Have you suggested NLP? The technique is simple and very effective and a Master Practioner should be able to assist with only 1 or 2 sessions.

By: Christina Medvescek

Christina Medvescek — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 17:33:49 +0000

Your recommended approach is compassion in action. First, just be present. There is so much power in this simple action, yet it can be so hard for people to do if they’re feeling awkward or upset themselves. Your advice is excellent. I’m so glad whenever your column shows up in my inbox. onward! chris

By: Chris

Chris — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:59:22 +0000

Nice one Kerry.
The whole creating safety piece has become an invaluable lesson I learned when I took the Crucial Conversations course. I’ve realized that sometimes the direct approach, no matter how low key, can still be received/perceived as a threat. (And no matter what my intentions, I might not come across as I wish) It is the relationship foundation that provides the strength and support to have the really difficult conversations. It has made a huge difference in my life-partner relationship and I’m grateful for the insight.
Although I never figured out that it was what I needed to do in my relationships, I also know that it was a key part of a therapy for parents who were working with children who had been labelled as “oppositional”. There were a number of very effective strategies fo changing the way parents responded to their children, but before implementing any of them, the therapy called for about a half hour of unconditional love from the parent to the child, consistently every day for a month. It could be a walk, doing an activity like drawing, or watching TV, but something they both enjoyed, and for no other purpose than having a good time together, and showing that the parent wanted to be with and loved the child. I now understand better why that was so important, and why it helped the therapy to work so well. Cheers

By: Thoi Pham

Thoi Pham — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:38:02 +0000

Dear Sibling,

Please check out the website or the book for “Being There for Someone in Grief” by Marianna Cacciatore. SALT: See your brother without trying to fix him, Allow him freedom to feel his pain in his own way, in his own time, Listen, just listen, and Trust that he has everything he needs within to heal himself–with your Deep Presence.

http://www.mariannacacciatore.com/

Thanks, Thoi

By: Colleen Cumby

Colleen Cumby — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:45:12 +0000

Kerry,
This is excellent advice. Several years ago, I lost someone I loved. I too clammed up. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk about it, but rather it was because there were no words to express what I was feeling. The words themselves were inadequate. Grief is a funny thing. I had a pain in my chest that lasted two years. I went to the doctor and there was nothing wrong with my heart– except of course, that it was broken. Instead of talking, I kept going through the motions of living. My attempts to do that made me try things that I’d never tried before — teaching, cattle herding, yoga. I’m sure all of this was surprising and difficult for my loved ones.

It was in a yoga class that I received the greatest comfort. We were doing partner work that required that we lean against each other’s backs — just that human connection — the simple warmth of the casual contact of another human body, helped begin the healing process. I eventually did talk about it with a couple of very close friends — when I was ready.

The problem with grief is that the memories are everywhere, and it takes time to recover. I ran into a friend of mine who had lost his life partner. Four years later, he was in a new and very positive relationship. He confessed to me that he still had spasms of grief for his lost loved one, even though his life is good now. I know that’s true for me — there are still spasms of grief, but my life has gone on and has opened up in surprising ways because of the risks I was willing to take while I walked that road.

I’m grateful for those who walked silently beside me during that difficult time, and I’m grateful for the life I have now — there are times when patience, kindness, and a willingness to simply be present are all we can do for those we love.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:36:54 +0000

We often do not speak about the deceased, in order to avoid hurting the survivors. Believe me, they are glad to know that their loved one has not been forgotten. The concerned sib may find it more productive and real if s/he would remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. Voicing a rememberance of her or of the couple may go farther than expected to open communication.

By: Luis Rovira

Luis Rovira — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:26:44 +0000

At the risk of not being read, I will make a religious comment.
The loss of a loved one, like the article says, cannot be reversed, and I agree with the fact that most human beins avoid painful situations and talking about their loss would be one of those situations.
No words from anyone can really heal that wound, it may console for a brief moment, but only to return.
However, the healing process has to come from ones inner feelings. The persons faith. The believe that one has to die in order to be reborn, Reborn to another life, for us Catholics it’s Jesus, for Muslims Mohamed jews God etc.
When you have that inner peace it’s when the healing process begins.

If this grieving person was guided back to their religios beliefs no matter what they may be. (other than atheist)
I think would be very beneficial.

By: Judy Nelson, JD, MSW.

Judy Nelson, JD, MSW. — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 13:21:00 +0000

Dear Kerry,
Another excellent post. I’m so glad you changed your mind on this one. It is far easier for some in the situation you describe to say nothing, then to risk the inevitable lecture or harang. Being there for the other person and offering the positives of relationship, may even result in the desirable changes without the need for anything else.