thanks for sharing this. it’s always gratifying to see the work of re-building a relationship make an impact–even if it’s small at first.

The turn to an alternate and totally different solution is a great key. An interest that neither has an advantage over the other is a great way to build mutual trust. Crucial Conversation is a great tool and if they can work on this subject together this will have the side benefit of helping them with other relationships outside the home environment.

Good Luck,
CES

I just read your article, “How to Help Others Get Along”. It’s amazing that a similar situation evolved in my own household with my wife and her son. Things became heated over Christmas when my stepson responded to my wife’s concern about how he was carelessly using her vehicle – not checking the oil, letting it run out of gas, driving around on an almost flat tire, etc. During this exchange, he made an almost unforgiveable retort, “I don’t care!” And he didn’t say it once. He emphasized it three times. My wife was devastated and I was pained to the point of wanting to throw him out of the house and let him fend for himself in the subzero weather.

Naturally, my wife was emotionally grief-stricken that the son she had and would literally do anything for would be so cavalier and ungrateful that he would callously tell her he didn’t care. She was suffering, I was suffering, and I hoped he was suffering – with regret.

As a Crucial Conversations Trainer, I thought long and hard about how to approach this situation. So, after about three days, I sent him a text; not because I was afraid of a face-to-face, but I knew how volatile he could be in a such a raw and sensitive situation. So, in essence I advised him that I understood the myriad of emotions he must be going through, and that as much as he was going through, so was his mother, if not worse. Furthermore, I let him know that right now, this situation is not about him, but his mother and that whatever he decides – whether to stay or leave – he needs to fix the relationship. I shared a word picture of how devastating it would be for him should he leave under these circumstances and something happen to his mother. Could he live with that? It was vitally important for him to apologize and try to work out their differences if that is what he truly wanted.

I was hoping he would take some time to consider these suggestions. Well, he did, about two days later. They talked, he apologized and now they are working out the issues of respect, responsibility and mutual goals. It’s in the early stages and I am hoping things will continue as we all work towards stronger, more open and respectful interactions in the New Year.

Thank you, Steve.