Comments on: How to Advocate for Your Needs With Your Spouse

By: bean q

bean q — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 08:09:13 +0000

“Surrender any stories, speculation, and judgments you may have, and enter the conversation like a caring scientist
…
so she sees that this is important enough to you that you are willing to lovingly, courageously, and curiously advocate for your need to have the conversation.”

the latter sure is a lot of emotion — and for show no less — for someone who’s supposed to be scientific!

i’m still interested to hear how you guys resolve this paradox wherein crucial skills are meant to protect everyone from the ill-effects of emotions on communication yet maintain engagement by not sacrificing the rest of the emotional repertoire… it’s like an emotional bias with which i really haven’t yet sided one way or the other…

it’s most obvious when as one who practices crucial skills as best one can, the self-righteous thought nags that “the other side of this argument keeps indulging in derailing this using so many extraneous emotional obstacles, which i clearly am not!”

so don’t be self-righteous, but at the same time … pearls before (beloved) swine… in some sense patronizing… what am i missing here in terms of how one is supposed to see the emotional dynamic play out in a crucial convo between the emotionally principled (whether or not those principles are in common) and the emotionally unstable???

By: J. Shelley

J. Shelley — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 18:45:13 +0000

In reply to CFM.

I agree that it probably has been going on for awhile, but that doesn’t change the content of the husband’s script – because he has not addressed it before. He still needs to start with himself, make it safe, etc.. My wife does this thing as well, and I don’t think it’s conscious. She’s energized by her own stories, but is not as considerate a listener as I am. There IS a lot more going on in her case, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior and I do call her on it when the pattern re-emerges (but not every instance if it’s not a pattern).

By: Holly

Holly — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 04:49:05 +0000

Same here – I do hope “Shunned” will let us know what happens!

By: Ronda Talmadge

Ronda Talmadge — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 23:20:27 +0000

I would really like to see how this goes if this guy takes your advice. I just read this to my husband as we both follow your articles. Something else is going on here.

By: CFM

CFM — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 21:51:27 +0000

I agree with the above. I think this likely has gone on for awhile, that said I do agree that there should be language inviting a good time to talk uninterrupted, or with her using the previous escapes identified in the question. Also I would practice your script so it sounds like you and unscripted; my husband would definitely look at me and say “did you go to a seminar today?” “try- I am curious and it’s important to me to understand …” So I would you to….”

By: Connie

Connie — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 21:50:44 +0000

I know many women who will happily talk for an hour or longer but become fidgety and restless when myself or another woman begins to speak. I wouldn’t consider any of them selfish by nature but some of them are self-centered communicators. I doubt any of them are aware of the problem. I will also admit that I have been guilty of the same thing during a serious discussion. Sometimes I’ll nervously prattle on and then when my husband starts to speak, I realize how late it is and get anxious.

I hope the writer is able to effectively communicate his needs to his spouse and that she is open to hearing him.

By: Sid D.

Sid D. — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 19:36:50 +0000

My wife is an extrovert, I am an introvert. I learned a long time ago that much (I wouldn’t say all) of the time she is “thinking out loud”, I listen closely enough to know when it is important, or if she wants an answer or needs help. For me, work is one of the last things I want to talk about, and being an introvert if I don’t get to talk (much of the time) it doesn’t matter.

By: Frank

Frank — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 19:14:31 +0000

I suggest that first he try this. The next time she starts, cut her off by interrupting and say, “Before you tell me about your day, I have something important I want to tell you about mine.” If she goes on talking about hers or you can tell she is just jumping at the bit to talk about hers and not listening to you, you have your answer.

By: Monica W.

Monica W. — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 18:47:12 +0000

I want to be realistic and say that I have to believe she knows exactly what she’s doing and have a hard time believing this behavior just started a few weeks ago. I also think he should not repeat himself – something like that should alarm the spouse into wanting to resolve this right away. If it does not, there is a very large problem. I wish the guy luck.