Comments on: The Perfect Amount of Abuse

By: Grizzlybearmom

Grizzlybearmom — Thu, 01 Nov 2018 16:25:33 +0000

In reply to Lea Inoue. I am sorry that you were verbally abused. Those abusers taught me how NOT to lead. And sometimes the Drill Instructor MUST yell "HIT THE DECK!" or you get your head shot off.

By: Lea Inoue

Lea Inoue — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 15:05:07 +0000

I’m actually amazed that you never had this growing up. This is all I ever knew – verbal abuse. Constant screaming, yelling, drama, threatening behavior and words were an every day occurrence in my childhood. As a young adult I decided to never be this way. Every so often, once every several years, I lose my temper with someone. This is usually after I have tried and tried to get through to them, and it usually is in a dangerous situation where someone can get hurt. So sometimes I feel if you cannot get through to someone and they are endangering themselves or someone else, and the ONLY way to get through is to yell, I’m not sure that this is bad. However, my choice is to respect people in a verbal matter first – it is almost always through desperation of trying to get through that I rarely lose my temper.

By: Michelle Blanchard

Michelle Blanchard — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 19:31:55 +0000

You’d be surprised when you treat the “Marthas of the world” with kindness and respect; you can turn things around in the relationship. I had a very difficult co-worker who suddenly was given authority to make decisions on permits which I’d been formerly entrusted. Now every permit needed his Ok before progressing. It seemed like we were disagreeing and butting heads at every juncture. I decided to start agreeing with him whenever I possibly could,(mutual purpose) and the tension diminished. I knew his wife was having a difficult pregnancy, and had two preschoolers at home, so I gave him a small self-care gift to give her. I told funny stories about my kids at the age of his kids. Within weeks, there was a thaw in the relationship, and there has been a vast improvement towards mutual respect. The catalyst was my attitude–to refuse to be adversarial and respond with what I wanted in the relationship.

By: Grizzly Bear Mom

Grizzly Bear Mom — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 18:27:16 +0000

According to the Leadership Circle’s research, 2/3 of people are
reactive, or just like “Martha” and the other’s mentioned above.

However, we employ people like this is in supervisory positions. When that happens WE need to lead up and say things like “Martha, I feel offended when you say that my reports are late in front of John and Eve. So offended that I it’s hard to hear you. Can we have our next counseling session in your office with the door closed?”

You even schedule meetings with the Martha’s of this world. You will develop a better relationship with her.

By: Jo Richards

Jo Richards — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 15:47:27 +0000

I would modify only one element of this blog post – I would not encourage individuals to “verbally abuse” others as much as they like to be abused as there are many individuals who seem to relish heated, abusive tirades. In fact, there are individuals who self-abuse in varied ways and I would not want to encourage them to abuse me with either the frequency or ferocity they may bring to their own self-abuse.

By: Shane Jones

Shane Jones — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 15:27:55 +0000

I appreciate Kerry’s focus on verbal abuse but I couldn’t help thinking how unfortunate it is that we have to even discuss something so apparently wrong. We should be focusing on at how to improve on communication skills that are already good. It’s analogous to solving problems of infidelity when we should be improving an already loving relationship. Admitting that verbal abuse is always wrong, the next question is “Why?” Again, drawing an analogy to porn addiction where the primary motivators are often loneliness, insecurity, anger, resentment and the like, why do people verbally abuse? Do they just lack skills? Or is the verbal abuse a symptom of more fundamental needs and character flaws? Understanding a person’s fundamental needs might allow one to better influence positive change in their lives beyond just telling them that verbal abuse is bad.