How can I find the strength to say what I need to say when someone does me wrong? I struggle to tell people when I’m bothered because I believe I will get in a heated argument with them and get lost for words. Sometimes my dad raises his voice at me and I just keep quiet. Sometimes a colleague will speak to me in a threatening voice and I say nothing. Sometimes someone makes my child cry and I still say nothing, and so on. These often feel like life-or-death situations, and afterward I blame myself for being weak. Sometimes I so badly regret not speaking up that I can’t even sleep at night, playing over and over in my head what I should have said. What can I do?

Signed,
Timid

Dear Timid,

When you say you lack “strength” to speak up, what I hear is you lack confidence. One way to increase confidence is to develop skills. As your ability to do a behavior increases, your confidence to do it also increases.

The other way to increase confidence is to address your thinking. Are there beliefs or attitudes contributing to your lack of confidence? Unless your thinking changes, your behavior is unlikely to shift by much, whether you practice new behaviors or not.

So, let’s start there.

Instead of playing over and over in your head what you wish you would have said, examine why you find yourself in this pattern of behavior.

In Crucial Conversations we teach a concept called Master My Stories. The premise is this: the stories we tell ourselves shape our interpretation of events and our behavior. While we teach this concept as it relates to moments of conflict, it can be applied much more broadly.

Another word for story is belief. I suspect that your lack of “strength” to speak up for yourself is not merely the result of not knowing what to say. It is likely grounded in beliefs and perspectives that have been formed during your life and run years deep. They are embodied and have been shaped by your experiences. What are they?

Perhaps you’ve spoken up in the past only to make matters worse. Maybe those attempts have damaged your relationships or reputation. Perhaps you’ve determined that no one will listen to or care about what you have to say. Whatever it is, somewhere along the way you’ve come to the conclusion, consciously or not, that it’s better to remain silent than to speak up for yourself.

Uncovering the underlying premises does not mean you will be able to immediately shake them off. Changing our perspectives often entails years of work. Awareness is simply the first step. Based on my reading of your question, this is where I recommend you begin.

As you work to uncover your beliefs, I invite you to replace them with this belief: you are a source of power and responsibility in the world.

If you aren’t already familiar with it, all our work is rooted in this idea. Each of our courses and books teaches a framework that invites us to see ourselves as agents in a world where it is tempting to believe we aren’t. This framework places power and responsibility in ourselves.

Why is this important? It is my experience that patterns of self-defeating or destructive behavior have their root in beliefs that either (1) ignore our power of agency or (2) justify efforts to avoid taking responsibility for it.

Now, you may not be convinced of that. That’s ok. I know many who see what I’ve just outlined as objectively true, as in capital-T truth, and I’m sure there are those who think it false. I, on the other hand, am agnostic. Maybe it’s true, and maybe it’s a useful story.

But if it’s a story, then, like other stories, it has power to shape our interpretations of events and our behavior. In other words, to some degree our capacity to change our behaviors and outcomes depends on the belief that we can do so.

Consider that as you search yourself for self-limiting beliefs. You must develop the feeling that, somewhere and somehow, you have a perspective worth sharing.

Next, what can you say?

I feel that what I’m about to suggest is grossly inadequate. There are likely dozens of steps you can and probably should take on the road to confidence to stand up for yourself, but I hope this gives you a starting point: affirm and preserve your sense of self-worth.

To affirm your sense of self-worth, just say no. “You can’t talk to me like that.” “No.” “You can’t disrespect me.” “I won’t listen to this.” Find an expression that allows you to calmly but surely affirm you will not tolerate being disrespected.

To preserve your sense of self-worth, leave. Excuse yourself. Get to another room, a friend’s house, another colleague’s office. State your affirmation, then say, “Excuse me.” And go.

Please don’t take these suggestions as a copout or a sign of weakness. In the words of Albert Camus, “Saying no does not mean giving up. It also means saying yes, with every gesture.” Say yes to yourself.

Finally, I’ve responded to your question on the assumption that you’re not in danger but have developed a habit of allowing others to disrespect and disregard you. If it’s worse than that—if you are being bullied—I urge you to seek safety and professional help.

And don’t stop here. I’ve shared what I have as a starting point only. Continue to learn and work on your ability to speak up. In addition to our books and courses, you’ll find across our website dozens of free videos, articles, and webinars that can help you on your journey.

Good luck,
Ryan

This article was edited by the author March 7, 2024 to clarify a point about the power of the stories we tell ourselves.

The post How to Stand Up for Yourself appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A few years ago I was promoted to leadership while my senior colleague who also wanted the role was not. Since then, our relationship has deteriorated. He has said he feels personally attacked by direction I’ve given the team. I have tried to make it safe, contrast, state my path, start with heart, but to no avail. I’ve even given him small tokens of appreciation—a treat or a gift card—but he won’t acknowledge my efforts to rebuild trust or communicate with me. I’ve been through your communication courses and received communication coaching, and I regularly seek feedback from my peers and leaders, and they say they feel safe to communicate openly with me. My manager and VP have said he has a personal issue with me, but none of us has been able to get him to open up. How can I “Make It Safe” for someone who clearly doesn’t feel safe?

Signed,
Olive Branch

Dear Olive Branch,

Kudos. It sounds like you have gone to great lengths to mend the strain in your relationship and communicate openly and respectfully. That alone should bring you some comfort, for while we all hope the Crucial Conversations skills will lead to better results in such moments—and they usually do—there is nothing you can do that will guarantee another responds in kind. When they don’t, we are left to take comfort in having acted with courage and respect.

That’s not to say you are out of options. Here are a few ideas that occurred to me while thinking about your question.

First, apologize. Please forgive this point if you have already done so. I assume there’s a good chance you have, yet you don’t mention it in your question. You say you have been kind, that you’ve tried to explain where you’re coming from, clear up confusion, and so forth, but nowhere do you state you have made a sincere apology.

You might be wondering why you should apologize when you intended no harm. I have often wondered the same thing, and it wasn’t until recently, after unintentionally hurting someone I deeply care about, that I learned an apology—not an explanation—is often necessary to assuage unintentional hurt or offense.

If you unintentionally step on someone’s toes—and I mean literally, not metaphorically—you apologize. If you accidentally bump into a stranger, you apologize. If you nearly clip a pedestrian with your Buick while looking left instead of right, you apologize profusely.

Sometimes we apologize to admit wrongdoing, and sometimes we apologize to express empathy. If you haven’t done the latter, I’d try it. You might say, “I hope you know I didn’t mean any offense when I accepted this position. I’m really sorry the outcome has been hard for you, and I sympathize. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sorry if I have.”

Remember that a sincere apology will be more important than what you say.

Second, try CPR. Again, I could be wrong, but what I glean from your question is that you have been kind, you’ve tried to clear up misunderstanding, and you’ve sought feedback on your communication skills, all of which is important but none of which gets at the heart of the matter, which appears to be this: resentment.

Resentment is a relationship issue, and that is what you need to discuss. I know this is a much harder conversation, but it may be you have done everything right except confront the elephant in the room.

It has been said that resentment is a kind of poison, and certainly it becomes a self-defeating form of pettiness when wallowed in, but resentment can also be a kind of balm, bringing one healing and protection on the way to acceptance and forgiveness. Medicine and poison are separated only by shades of gray.

Whether your colleague is beyond the palliative phase of resentment and into the toxic phase is anyone’s guess. You may find out if you bring it up. More important, you may find out why he feels resentful, which would give way to open discussion.

Third, be direct. What we don’t talk out, we act out. Your colleague’s behavior is a symptom of what he has so far refused to express, and given the duration of his silence, I’m inclined to think it’s deep-seated. The right opener—even a confrontational one—may be the way to break through.

I’m not advocating aggression or disrespect. I’m simply saying that, in my experience, when feelings are buried deep, an invitation to talk isn’t enough. A courageous confrontation, on the other hand, can bring everything to the surface.

What does that look like?

Well, when I’ve done it with people I care about, and when others have cared enough to be so bold with me, it looks like getting cornered in a room alone at the right time and feels like “I care about you too damn much to let this go on, and I’m not leaving until we talk it out.”

Should you take this approach? I’m not sure. What’s at stake? What do you want long term? Is the relationship worth it? There are good reasons why you might not. There are good reasons why you might. It’s up to you.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post What Can You Do When Someone Won’t Forgive You? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I work with a senior colleague who almost always seeks my approval on decisions that are his responsibility. I have advised and supported him a few times in the past, but now he seems to have become dependent on me to confirm or validate his actions. I get the sense that he doubts himself, worries that something might go wrong, and would like to direct the blame to me in case it did. I have my responsibilities, so I get annoyed that he depends on me to make his decisions for him. I’m also afraid that if I don’t respond to his requests, he’ll let his projects stagnate and then blame their failure on me. I feel he does not want to take ownership for his responsibilities, and it’s a nuisance. What can I do?

Signed,
Used and Abused

Dear Used,

Allow me to begin by sharing my reading of your question.

At some point in the past you shared your perspective with your senior colleague to help him make a decision. Since then, he has continually returned for your input, but you have grown less inclined to share it. Now you suspect he depends on you because (1) he lacks the confidence to make decisions himself and (2) he would like to blame you should a project fail. You feel annoyed and would like this to stop, but you haven’t told him so.

Can you guess where this is going?

Here’s why I think you feel stuck. First, though it’s hard to know for sure through text, I get the sense that you are blaming your colleague for your feelings. You want him to take responsibility for his duties, yet it seems you haven’t taken responsibility for your emotions. As soon as you do, you’ll see that the best way to resolve them is to take responsibility for the situation.

Second, you may have enabled him. To enable is to do for somebody else what they can and should do for themselves. Often this takes the form of supporting or permitting behavior that violates our own boundaries. The inevitable byproduct is resentment.

Third, you’ve stewed in silence.

Congratulations, you’re human!

When you think about it, it seems silly that we should get stuck in such situations, and yet all of us have found ourselves there. The good news is you can get unstuck. Here are a few ideas I hope are helpful.

Take responsibility for your feelings. You have assumed your senior colleague is the cause of your irritation when in fact he is the target of it. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know I harp on this idea, partly because I need to remind myself of it daily, partly because it’s central to proceeding effectively. You will not be inclined to change your perspective or your behavior unless and until you acknowledge that you are the source of your feelings.

Check for misunderstanding. There are several stories in your question. You say your colleague lacks confidence to make decisions on his own. That’s a story. You say he might like to blame you should a project fail. That’s a story. You say he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his duties. That’s a story.

Your stories may be correct, which I’ll speak to in a moment. But it may be that your colleague wants to share responsibility with you because he trusts you, values your perspective, and believes you are happy to share it. After all, if I hear you correctly, you have given him no reason to believe otherwise.

Let go of your villain stories and assume your colleague is acting in good faith—that he has no idea you’re irritated. Then, say something. You might be able to resolve this situation simply by saying, “Hey, I appreciate that you value my perspective, but I really want to focus on my own responsibilities. Would it be ok with you if I wasn’t involved in your decision-making processes?”

Share more as you proceed. You’ll notice I didn’t suggest you begin the conversation by expressing your annoyance. But if a kind request doesn’t work, you may need to do so.

I say that because I don’t want us to confuse “take responsibility for your emotions” for “it’s wrong to have negative emotions.” While it’s true that a victim, villain, or helpless story will lead to negative emotions that are preventable, it’s also true you can disapprove of someone’s behavior without telling yourself untrue stories and respectfully express your feelings related to your disapproval.

As you talk, share more of your position as needed, inviting dialogue at each step. Here’s how that might look:

1. Make a kind request. We covered that above.
2. Share the facts. For example, “When you wanted my help with the budget for materials, you had all the relevant information to make your decision but said you weren’t sure what to do. Why is that?” Continue to next step if needed.
3. Share your interpretation. “Because you frequently ask for my help making decisions, I have started to think you lack confidence. What’s going on?” Continue on if needed.
4. Share how you feel. “I have been annoyed because I feel like I’m making decisions that you should be making. Can you see where I’m coming from?”

Express and hold your boundary. If a frank conversation doesn’t resolve the issue, be politely firm. Make it clear you won’t assist, and reaffirm your position as needed. “I won’t help with that. You’ll need to seek another course of action or source of help.”

Let nature take its course. You stated that you haven’t declined your colleague’s requests even though you want to for fear that he’ll “let his projects stagnate and blame their failure on [you].”

I’ve got news: You can’t eat your cake and have it too. You can’t dictate how others show up in your world. Efforts to do so will lead you into manipulation and codependency. You can control your behavior, but not the outcomes of it. So, act with integrity, leave the rest to consequence. If your team culture is such that your colleague could blame you for his failures and get away with it, you might want to seek a position on another team or employment elsewhere, or raise your concerns with team managers.

One final thought. I have replied to your question on the assumption that your colleague may hold the motives you suggest, but I invite you to consider that you may be making a mountain of a molehill. In every role I’ve worked, my senior colleagues, managers, and bosses have sought my input on decisions at times, and I don’t think I’m unique. This is how work gets done. It’s willing assistance that makes one a valuable teammate. Withholding your input may lead to undesirable consequences of their own, regardless of whether your colleague tries to blame you for anything.

That said, I realize the line between assisting and enabling can be quite fine. Probably only you and your colleague are close enough to the situation to judge which is happening. Even more reason to have an open and honest conversation.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post I’m Sick and Tired of Making Decisions for My Senior Colleague appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How do you respectfully call someone out for bad manners in public?

I frequently find myself in situations where someone’s behavior goes against well-known norms or even common decency. I work with people who dive into their smartphones while in the middle of a conversation without excusing themselves. They will literally check out of the conversation they’re having with me in person, start texting someone, then resume the conversation with me as though nothing happened. I think this is quite rude.

Or, there are people who smoke at my community park where it’s clearly prohibited. And they play their music loudly. I know these behaviors aren’t exclusive to young people, but it seems it’s almost always young adults who are guilty. Has nobody taught them?

Every time something like this happens, I want to say something but am not sure how to do so. I worry that speaking up will offend the person or lead to an argument or make matters worse, and yet I want to say something. I think our communities are better when people respect basic norms of, well, respect. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Old Fashioned

Dear Old Fashioned,

You’re in luck. A couple of years ago I conducted my own personal experiment to see how well our dialogue skills work when confronting strangers for bad manners. It was completely unscientific, and yet I learned several valuable lessons. It all started when I was hiking in the backcountry and crossed paths with a trio of young adults blasting Limp Bizkit from a Bluetooth speaker.

My irritation was palpable. “Are you kidding me?” I muttered while grunting up the trail. “What is wrong with these people?”

“Dad,” my kids said, “take it easy.”

We were on a family hike in late September. The air was crisp, the sunshine warm, the sky blue with a smattering of cumulus clouds that skirted the mountain peaks. The leaves on the trees were luminescent—orange, yellow, pink. We even brought along the family dog, Rosco. It was a perfect day, that is until these hoodlums came cavorting down the trail as though they were on their way to a rave.

“I think I’m gonna tell these people what’s up,” I said. “They can’t play music like that. Don’t they know that’s noise pollution?!”

“Dad, don’t you dare say something,” my kids cautioned. “That would be so embarrassing.”

“Trust me, kids. I’ve been studying Crucial Conversations. I just want to see how well the skills work. If they work in this situation, they should work in just about any situation.”

“Oh boy,” my wife exhaled.

Though I hadn’t been drinking, my determination to respectfully tell these folks how wrong they were to play music in a designated wilderness area could have been characterized as “hold my beer,” much like Clark Griswold’s determination to harvest the perfect Christmas tree.

We were getting closer now. My heartrate increased. My breathing grew short and rapid. Our paths met.

“Hey, I don’t mean any disrespect, but do you know that when you play music in the backcountry, you effectively turn this large, open space into your personal living room?”

The implication was clear: we didn’t walk all this way to find ourselves in your den of inferior taste in music.

The trio of twenty-something-year-olds looked at me incredulously. An audible groan came from my wife and children, who had distanced themselves behind me on the trail. The young man holding the speaker moved his pointer finger to the volume controls and tapped them in quick succession. The music died, as in the manner of a sad trombone.

I then tried to make small talk. “So… are you enjoying the hike?”

Crickets.

“Come on, guys,” the girl at the head of the group said, and they turned and continued hiking down the trail.

I then was subjected to a lecture from my family on why I should’ve kept my mouth shut, which gave way to a healthy conversation about social accountability. Why is it so challenging to confront people about relatively harmless—albeit annoying or inconsiderate—behaviors?

That dour interaction on the trail didn’t deter me from trying again. In the months that followed, I confronted someone at the grocery store, another at the coffee shop, and I had a few more occasions to confront people in the backcountry for playing music. Here’s what I learned.

Lesson 1: Take ownership of your feelings.

Your irritation is about your perspective, not their behavior. If you try to use the conversational skills of Crucial Conversations without first taking ownership of your emotional state, the only thing I can guarantee is that you’ll come across as a well-spoken jerk. You can probably guess how I know this.

Think of it like this: Two people go out hiking and both get a few pebbles down their boots. One can think only of the pebbles and hates the experience. The other notices only the surrounding beauty and loves the experience. It’s not the pebble in your footbed that makes the difference, but your perspective of it.

This is why Start with Heart and Master My Stories—those skills that help us examine our motives and reframe our perspective—come before all the others. The feeling of your feedback will improve drastically if you first let go the motive to express annoyance, ease your irritation, teach someone a lesson, or any similar inclination. Continue reading for a few tips on how to do this.

Lesson 2: Assume it’s a problem of ability.

One reason my delivery on the trail went so poorly is that it was informed by the belief “Any idiot knows it’s immoral to play music in the backcountry.”

Assume people aren’t aware of the norm you take for granted OR that they have understandable reasons for their behavior. When you assume someone lacks knowledge or ability, your motive shifts to lifting another to a social virtue, not ridding yourself of irritation. My delivery improved when I replaced my feeling of moral condemnation with a desire to share a perspective or make people aware of how their actions affect others.

Lesson 3: Highlight the social impact.

Social consequences are powerful deterrents of bad behavior. Many people commit such social offenses because they’re unaware of the impact. Perhaps the most effective thing you can do is reveal to them how their behavior affects others, especially those they esteem.

Lesson 4: Express respect for autonomy.

Getting called out by a stranger almost always feels like a rebuke. In my experience, people usually conform in the moment because the rebuke shocks them into submission. But don’t bank on that. Instead, make it clear you respect the other person’s freedom to choose as they will, to continue as they are, and that you only wanted to share your perspective. This, I think, softens the blow.

Lesson 5: Don’t attempt to manage how the other person feels about your words.

No matter how gracious your delivery, odds are your recipient will feel gobsmacked (see findings from our survey about feedback). You must be willing to live with this. Efforts to change how they feel about your feedback will likely compound any sense of offense or conflict. So, speak your peace, then carry on.

Lesson 6: Turn it into a script.

A pre-packaged approach that combines the above points will reduce your chances of getting derailed by emotions. Because I frequently encounter people in the backcountry playing music, I ultimately devised a script that goes something like this.

“Hi, how are you today? Do you mind if I share something with you? First, I want you to know I respect your freedom to do as you will—this wilderness area is as much yours as it is mine, so please understand what I’m about to say is not a demand. You may not be aware of this, but it’s generally considered impolite to play music out here. Many see it as a form of pollution, and it’s prohibited in areas. Keeping this space quiet allows it to be shared by many, all of whom want it to feel as though it’s their own. I thought you should know.”

Lesson 7: Recognize this is part of the human tapestry.

Not everybody signals when changing lanes, returns the grocery cart after unloading it, or washes after using the restroom. This is the world we live in, and we all contribute to it in ways.

After my months of experimenting, I now usually resort to Lesson 1 and change my perspective—which is sufficient to ease my irritation—and I don’t feel the need to say anything at all. My exposure to tobacco smoke will be momentary. Undivided attention isn’t always required. The music will die down. You may find the same.

That said, I’m not suggesting you should refrain from speaking up. Norms don’t persist unless people uphold them. Though I’ve stopped testing my skills with every stranger who commits a social faux pas, I continue to address those in the backcountry because I want silence to prevail there. And after all my work on my approach, do you know how people respond?

They are stunned! They don’t know what to say! They look at me dumbfounded! They stumble over their words! It’s uncomfortable! But ALWAYS they turn down their music. Just as they did before.

So why go to the trouble?

Perhaps our shared virtues are worth the work. Should we choose to encourage respect for them, it’s our hope that we can do so with respect for those we encourage.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post Kids These Days appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Do you have any advice for dealing with a narcissist?

My twenty-four-year-old daughter has a new boyfriend who is a narcissist and she is showing signs of being emotionally abused. He is slowly isolating her—from friends, colleagues, family members. How can I use your skills to show him respect even though he is crushing my daughter? I want to ensure he doesn’t exclude me from her life for when she does need me.

Or can you suggest how I might talk to my daughter so she can see the light? When I tell her I am concerned about her situation, she gets defensive and lies to me, so she’s obviously not feeling safe around me. I have very strong feelings about the situation, so it is crucial I handle this well—I don’t want to lose my daughter. I want to build a better relationship with her and let her know we will always love her and be there for her when she needs us.

Signed,
Looking for a Lifeline

Dear Looking,

I’m sorry. I have daughters too and know how hard it can be to watch them suffer life’s challenges. I’ll share a couple of ideas that I hope are helpful.

The concluding part of your question tells me your heart is in the right place and, in my view, this offers the most promise for progress. You say you want to build a better relationship with your daughter and let her know you will always love her and be there for her. Tell her that if you haven’t already.

You also mentioned wanting to get your daughter to “see the light.” If this motive is evident when expressing your love and concern, that could explain why she gets defensive. Wanting to get your daughter to “see the light” is a bit at odds with wanting to let her know you will always be there for her. She may not trust your motives.

The best way I have found to overcome this problem of mixed motives is to focus on the pool of shared meaning. The pool of shared meaning is a space where the free exchange of meaning occurs, but it only exists when both parties feel free and safe to share perspective. If either party feels unsafe, then the free flow of meaning is hindered. And efforts to persuade, control, or coerce can quickly threaten safety and drain the pool. In the pool of shared meaning, we can’t control how our perspective will be received. We can only control how well we share it.

What does this look like in practice? Respect and vulnerability. Respect for the fact that another’s choices aren’t ours to make, and vulnerability to speak up anyway. Vulnerability is what we feel when we make the shift from fear to courage. When we fear that another won’t respond as we’d like them to, we resort to coercion and manipulation, which shuts down dialogue. When we accept that they aren’t obligated to respond as we’d like them to, we let go and get vulnerable. Sustainable dialogue can only occur when we walk into the ring of crucial moments with arms down, gloves off, palms open.

So, you might let go of trying to get your daughter to “see the light”. Wait for the right moment, ask for permission, and, if it’s granted, share how you feel about the situation, making it clear that you’re sharing your perspective out of love and with understanding that she may choose to remain in the relationship despite your feelings.

The second thing I want to say relates to your question about speaking with your daughter’s boyfriend. I don’t recommend it. In my view, no matter how respectfully you approach the boyfriend, you’re likely to invoke drama, not dialogue.

I don’t say that because you’ve said he is a narcissist. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. Regardless of his psychology, to engage your daughter’s boyfriend is to wade into the pool of codependency. Your daughter’s relationship challenges aren’t yours to solve.

That said, if a series of events should bring you into direct disagreement with the boyfriend and he behaves as you suggest he might, your challenge will be to hold your boundaries without creating a battle line.

The older I get, the more I believe this: manipulation requires consent. If you find yourself feeling manipulated, identify how you’ve allowed it to happen and don’t let it happen again.

When I find myself in such situations, I try to come back to the pool of shared meaning. That’s the only place I want to work out my disagreements because it’s the only effective place to do so. If I’m not courageous and vulnerable enough to enter crucial moments with respect for the pool of shared meaning and another’s sense of autonomy and safety, I need to work on myself. If the other party is unable or unwilling to respect the pool of shared meaning, I need to express and hold my boundaries, or distance myself so that I can maintain them.

I hope these ideas help you as you navigate this important time of life with your daughter.

Sincerely,
Ryan

The post Dealing with a Narcissist in the Family appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have a 38-year-old daughter who is severely overweight and doesn’t want to hear anything about the issue. She shops doctors and has subscribed to the “anti-diet” philosophy, which I can see some value in. However, she has taken this philosophy into the realm of cultism. I do not know what to do. It is ruining her life. Please help me. Typical psychology experts have been no help to this point.

Signed,
Perturbed Parent

Dear Perturbed,

You may not like what I’m about to say and end up lumping me in that group of psychology experts you’ve talked with, but please know my goal is to help, even if that means challenging you a bit.

Here’s what I think you should do: forget about changing your daughter and work on changing yourself. Her habits, however unhealthy they might be, are not your responsibility. They may have been when she was a child under your care and supervision, but given that she’s a 38-year-old adult who “doesn’t want to hear anything about the issue,” it’s time to let go and look inward.

I know how easy it can be in crucial moments to get wrapped up in thinking that if we just say the right things in the right way, we can get others to believe or behave how we’d like them to.

But the skills taught in Crucial Conversations don’t enable us to change others—that’s not their promise. They improve our ability to communicate with others, and through better communication we can increase connection, collaboration, trust, respect, and—yes—even influence. But that increased influence is a consequence of increased trust, respect, and so on. The skills are largely ineffective when our motive is to change people rather than communicate with them. When we seek the effect but step over the cause, we diminish our influence.

So how can you work on yourself? Start with Heart. This skill is foundational to all the others in Crucial Conversations because it helps us examine our motives, which shape all our words and actions. You employ this skill by turning your gaze inward and asking some honest questions. What do you ultimately want? Are you willing to risk driving a wedge in the relationship with your daughter on the chance you could say something that would improve her eating habits? Why is it so important to you that she live how you would like her to?

Given that you said your daughter “doesn’t want to hear anything about the issue,” I assume you’ve discussed or attempted to discuss it before and that it hasn’t gone well. So, in addition to getting clear on what you ultimately want, I invite you get clear on what it looks like you’ve wanted.

As you take inventory of your motives, ask yourself the following: What do my speech and behavior up to this point suggest I care about, and what do I really care about? What should I care about? In the final analysis, what really matters?

The good news is working on yourself first does not preclude communication. The point is to communicate after you’ve got your heart in a good place. When we do this, a critical shift happens: we come to the conversation with a perspective to share, not an agenda to enforce. I’m not certain this is where you’ll land (though I hope you do), but whenever I realize I’ve attempted to coerce another and then correct my motives, the next conversation I have is one in which I sincerely apologize.

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not suggesting you give up loving your daughter or wanting the best for her. I’m challenging you to accept and love her as she is, unhealthy habits and all. If everybody’s weakness was overeating, we’d all be overweight.

I’m also not suggesting we can’t be a source of positive influence on the people we love most. I’m trying to highlight the difference between communicating to coerce others and communicating to share a perspective.

I have found that I can only communicate respectfully and increase my connection with others when I give up my desire to change them. And that is far more meaningful and influential than any ability to persuade them to behave how I would like them to. I believe you’ll find the same.

Sincerely,
Ryan

The post My Adult Daughter is Severely Overweight. What Can I Do? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

We have been avoiding an employee’s hygiene issue for a while now. He usually works from home, but occasionally he works onsite, and he has long fingernails and stains on his shirt—too unkempt for our bakery stores. We are the owners and have read Crucial Conversations, and yet we don’t know when and how to bring this up. Most of our interactions happen via video, and when we’re together in person we often don’t have privacy. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Timid Two

Dear Timid Two,

I’d like to share two ideas with you.

1. Whenever we assume responsibility for another’s feelings, we struggle to speak up.
2. The scarier a conversation seems, the more likely it is we are telling ourselves a story.

I’ve gained those insights after years of watching my own emotional responses to the prospect of a Crucial Conversation. I share them with you in case they’re helpful.

I invite you to consider the possibility that you’ve been avoiding this conversation because rather than assume responsibility for what’s in your control—your motive and words—you’ve been assuming responsibility for how your employee might feel when you speak up. So, first, take responsibility for what you can: how you will respectfully speak your mind.

Next, check your heart for stories. We often fear speaking up about an issue because we’ve assumed it’s one of disrespect, ignorance, laziness, stupidity, incompetence, arrogance, or the like.

As I see it, here’s your issue: You work with food, and hygiene affects both safety and customer confidence. You have an employee whose hygiene doesn’t meet the standard. Consider how simple this conversation could be.

“Hey, Frank, do you have a minute? I’m not sure how best to say this, but I want to say it because I respect you enough to be honest with you, and I think it’s important for our business. I don’t have a personal problem with your dress or appearance, but I worry our customers might. I’ve noticed that you frequently have dirt under your fingernails and stains on your shirt. I’m concerned with how customers might feel about this. I’m not upset, and you aren’t in trouble; I’m trying to be mindful of customers. Could you address those two things before you come into work?”

I’m not trying to make light of this conversation—I realize it’s a tough one. I’m trying to demonstrate that if you assume responsibility for what’s in your power and master your story, there’s no reason you can’t say what you think in a respectful way.

Also, have you communicated expectations? You might preempt this conversation by communicating clear standards to ALL employees. Draft a document that outlines standards for hygiene at work. Post it in the kitchen. Have a meeting about it. Then see what happens. Maybe your employee doesn’t know what’s expected of him. In short, don’t treat this as a moral failing; treat it as a matter of professional ability. This will help you support the new behavior rather than condemn the current. You might even offer to buy him a couple of shirts for work.

Because you’ve read Crucial Conversations, I believe that if you reflect on these ideas, you’ll determine what you need to say and make the time to say it. You might’ve noticed in my example above an effort to make it safe and establish mutual respect using skills taught in the book. If you need a refresher, check out this article by Kerry Patterson.

This doesn’t guarantee your employee won’t take offense; he may. But again, if you’ve done the internal work to ensure you can communicate with respect, you’re far more likely to stay in dialogue no matter how he responds.

We often make mountains out of molehills. In my experience, most people value honest feedback, even if they may initially bristle. And though it requires some courage, sharing your meaning gets the conversation started. You can’t resolve anything until you start talking.

Good luck,
Ryan

PS. One final thought. Not taking responsibility for another’s feelings does not mean to disregard their feelings. There is a difference between respecting another’s feelings and trying to manage them.

The post How to Talk to Someone about Their Poor Hygiene appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Callie’s is principally a hideaway for men between the age of 40 and 75 who have weathered in life a few more storms than the average person. The patrons are honest and strong. A perfect environment for my fourteen-year-old socialite who is, understandably, preoccupied with developing her own style, having friends to hang with on Friday night, and succeeding at school and track—with finding her place in the world. All of this, it seemed to me, was weighing on her heavily.

It was Saturday around 10 a.m., which meant the tables were full, so we took a seat at the counter overlooking the kitchen. A waitress brought us coffee and water. The clanking of plates and forks combined with the crowded chatter produced a din that gave me a sense of anonymity despite our proximity to complete strangers. I felt free to talk freely.

As we began eating our bacon and eggs, I broached the subject: “There’s something I want to tell you.” Then I pulled my pen and notepad from my pocket and set them on the counter, because a good explanation is made better by visual representation.

Waves of regret for having accompanied me to breakfast rolled over my daughter’s face. “Oh great. Here comes a lecture,” her body language conveyed.

“Now hold on,” I responded. “Imagine you’re a manager, and there’s a guy on your team who always shows up late to your meetings. When he arrives, he cracks jokes and distracts everybody else. You’ve asked him to stop and to arrive on time, but he doesn’t. Why do you think he continues?”

My goal was to teach my daughter the Six Sources of Influence—at least, that was partly my goal. But I knew she’d have more interest in cutting coupons than in learning a theory of social psychology. I also know that the trick to teaching someone the Six Sources of Influence is to catch them making the fundamental attribution error, and then reveal to them their error.

If you ask someone what they think influences behavior, they are likely to wax philosophically about nature and nurture. But if you invite them to imagine a scenario in which they are frustrated or annoyed with the behavior of someone else, they invariably attribute behavior to one thing: personal motivation.

“He’s selfish,” she said. “Or disrespectful. Or he doesn’t care.”

Bingo. I opened my notebook and drew a matrix. Then I gave my daughter an abbreviated presentation of the six sources.

As we reviewed each source, we imagined what else might possibly be influencing the man on her team to arrive late and crack jokes. We didn’t have to imagine for long. Within a minute or two, our conversation drifted from imaginary scenarios to the real scenarios we face at home: the problem of the dishes and how her mom and I respond; why her sister “borrows” clothing without permission and what she could do about it. And on and on.

This was good fun, and we had some good laughs. My reluctant teenager became interested and engaged. But the real insight came when we discussed how we might respond to others’ troubling behavior if we considered all the sources that might be influencing it. It wasn’t hard for her to see that instead of blaming and accusing, equipped with this new knowledge she’d be more likely to be generous and curious, helpful and patient.

That’s when I expressed my ultimate purpose. “I share this with you because it seems to me that you’ve been making the fundamental attribution error with regard to your own behavior. You’re holding yourself morally blameworthy and believing you lack the discipline to read, to do your stretches, to put down your phone, when what you really lack is ability and a more complete picture of how your behavior is influenced. You’re the subject of your life, but you can also be the scientist of it.”

A wave rolled over my daughter’s face again, but not one of regret. It was a picture of gratitude and insight.

We finished our meal, and I took our bill to the register to settle up. As I was doing so, I heard a voice in my ear: “That was epic.”

I turned around and was greeted by a man who appeared to be about sixty, resembled Ed Harris, wore well-used boots. He was smiling ear to ear.

“Yeah, it was,” I said. “You mean the food?”

“That was epic,” he repeated. “That conversation with your daughter. I hope you don’t mind my eavesdropping. I watched the whole thing. You don’t see that anymore these days. That was epic.”

I thanked him, and my daughter and I headed for the café exit. As I stepped out into the sunlight, I had to choke back a tear, for now the insights were coming to me. That man helped me realize that, without planning to, without practice, in teaching my daughter a valuable interpersonal model, I demonstrated it, novice though I be. I gained, in that brief exchange, this insight: It is impossible to share the skills of Crucial Conversations etc. without also demonstrating how impactful they can be, for teaching targets ability, is born of good intent, advances via respect, and feels and looks like social support.

So often in our struggles with others we struggle to use the skills we’ve learned in Crucial Conversations or Crucial Accountability or Influencer, and it doesn’t occur to us to teach them. We speak of “crucial moments” as though they are single interactions of conflict or weight, forgetting that life is a compendium of moments that unfolds in chapters—childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, working life, parenthood, retirement—each with so much at stake.

Of course, there’s still much I must do to support my daughter. But the fact remains: you don’t have to wait for a crucial moment to put your crucial skills to use. The skills are such that when you teach them, you demonstrate them.

That is epic, indeed.

The post Crucial Moments at Callie’s Café appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can I nudge my partner to start using some GTD® skills?

Signed,
Losing Patience

Dear Losing Patience,

Consider what nudging looks like in practice. To verbally nudge someone is to volley hints or suggestions but without directly addressing the issue or revealing how much you care about it. A nudge may get someone to wash the dishes, finish that report, or do a back handspring, but it’s not likely to change behavior.

It may help you to think of nudging in the physical sense. Physically, a nudge may be less aggressive than a shove or a push, but it’s more aggressive than an invitation or a helping hand. It implies prodding or pricking, which imply leading from behind. And leading from behind is an oxymoron. To lead, you must be in the lead. The only sustainable way to move another along—into GTD, healthy communication, handwashing, or any other behavior for which you’re an advocate—is to bring them along.

Here are a few ideas. I share them on the assumption that you’ve already extended a friendly invitation that hasn’t been received.

Set the Example

If you want to lead someone into new behavior, you should be a living example of that behavior. Aristotle wrote, “Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.”

Character may not only be the most effective means of persuasion, it may be your only means. If in the end you fail to persuade your partner into adopting GTD skills, your example will continue to influence. You don’t have to be a perfect example, but it should be clear by your living, not just your talking, that your moral compass encompasses the behaviors you advocate.

Foster Respect

For this conversation to go well, you’ll need to convey respect, and to convey respect you must feel respect.

Even with a partner or a spouse, it’s easy to lose sight of respect in the face of disagreement or irritation. Here’s what I do to regain my sense of respect when I’ve lost it.

First, recognize that the problem is your problem. Even if your partner’s behavior is leading to negative outcomes, you must acknowledge that if you have a problem with his or her behavior, it’s your problem. When we recognize that the problems we have with others are, in fact, our problems, we switch from trying to change the other person to trying to communicate why we find the behavior problematic, which is far more effective. This is largely how I think of Master My Stories.

Second, recognize the other person’s autonomy. If you approach the conversation with a do-or-die mindset, you’ll provoke resistance and get frustrated. Don’t raise the issue until you’re at peace with the fact that your partner is an autonomous agent and may choose contrary to your wishes.

Third, identify why the new behavior matters to your partner’s wellbeing and growth. Easing your irritation, for example, is not a compelling cause. Wider social consequences or personal values, however, are great motivators. So, is your partner’s lack of GTD skills affecting the kids, friends, family, their wellbeing? Sharing this information will help you not only convey respect but also care and concern. I think this is the essence of Start with Heart.

Be Bold as Love

When you feel you are ready to speak respectfully, speak directly. No nudging needed. Convey your respect and intent, then point out a few of the problems arising in your partner’s life, your life, or the lives of others because of your partner’s behaviors. If you’ve done the internal work, your feedback should come across as courageous concern, not coercive criticism.

Over the years I have developed my own scripts for preparing someone for feedback based on the skills taught in Crucial Conversations, and they look something like this:

“What I’m about to say may feel confrontational. Please know that I’m speaking up because I respect you enough to be honest with you, and because I care about you and our work.”

Then say the hard things.

With those who can be sensitive to feedback, I have said something like this:

“I know this may be hard to hear, but I want you to know I’m telling you this because I care. We can’t always see our own shortcomings and mistakes, and we all depend on feedback from each other to become better versions ourselves. That’s how we grow. And this is only my perspective—you’re free to disagree. I only ask that you thoughtfully consider it.”

Then say the hard things.

I have watched defensiveness dissolve in seconds with the sincere expression of respect and concern. Reflect on these principles and examples and come up with your own approach.

Keep the Dialogue Going

After you’ve shared your perspective, ask your partner, “How do you see it?” Then listen. And be open to a later discussion. Feedback, no matter how well it’s delivered, often takes time to process (learn more in this article). Wherever the conversation goes, make it clear to your partner you respect them and ongoing dialogue more than getting your way. If your partner responds to the feedback, it will be evident with curiosity and questions. You’ll now have a partner receptive to suggestions. Share why you think the GTD skills can help.

Find Joy in Their Strengths

Finally, find joy in your partner’s strengths. In the end, your partner may not be open to the behaviors you suggest. They may disagree with your perspective. Don’t get hung up on this. Each of us is comprised of many qualities, some bad, some good. Try to focus on your partner’s good qualities and continue improving your own.

I’ve shared a few ideas for starting the conversation. Our books and courses teach several more on continuing that conversation and supporting someone through behavior change.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post How to “Nudge” Your Partner to Change appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can I use the Six Sources of Influence to improve patient satisfaction scores at our hospital? Our scores average in the 70s, but when I talk to patients they tell us we are wonderful. I’d like patients to put that on the survey. We often see scores of 8 but get comments that suggest they think we deserve a 10. Any ideas?

Signed,
Seeking a Source

Dear Seeking a Source,

If it’s alright with you, I’d like to think through this together, and I invite our readers to think through it with us in the comments.

First, let’s consider the survey. I’m going to assume that the purpose of your survey is to gather reliable data. Reliable data is uncorrupted, which means it’s free of errors and bias.

Second, let’s consider the Six Sources of Influence. They are personal, social, and structural levers that can be used to affect motivation and ability.

So, there’s a bit of irony in your question. In essence you’re asking how you can influence people in a situation where, if you want reliable data, they shouldn’t be influenced at all—unless it is to tell the truth as they see it.

And that is what I hear you asking—how can I get patients to report their feedback honestly? But you also said you want to “improve patient satisfaction scores” using influence, if possible.

Do you see the difference? I’m not accusing you of wrongdoing. I’m simply trying to think through this with you.

And here’s what I’m thinking.

Check Your Assumptions

There’s nothing wrong with having an assumption—that’s your hypothesis. But remember it’s a hypothesis only.

You hypothesize that patients are more satisfied with treatment than they’re reporting. You have two data sources: the verbal feedback, and the numerical feedback.

Given that they don’t match, it’s natural to conclude one source doesn’t accurately reflect patient perspectives. You assume the faulty data is the numerical feedback, and it may be. But I encourage you to consider the possibility that the faulty data is the verbal feedback.

Do you see how that’s possible? Why might a patient tell a nice healthcare professional his or her staff is wonderful and then mark up an anonymous survey with 7s?

Seek Better Data, Not Better Scores

Given the wording of your question, it sounds like you want both reliable data and better scores—who doesn’t! But when it comes to your survey, make only reliable data your goal.

The cardinal sin of any survey is bias. And while that’s obvious on paper, it’s not always clear in practice. Surveys should be used to gather data that allow us to make a reasonable inference about a population, but frequently they are used to gather data to support a belief or proposition, which results in bias.

So, commit to improving the survey, not the survey results. Truth in the data makes it possible to do the work of improving results.

Define Your Terms (Source 6: Structural Ability)

One of the first things I learned as a philosophy undergraduate was “define your terms.” The point of all communication is to convey meaning. We only confirm whether or not meaning is accurately conveyed through feedback. And, when it isn’t, that feedback can be anything from a scrunched eyebrow to a survey anomaly.

The fact that you’re encountering discrepancies between verbal and numerical feedback could mean your survey questions are unclear. For you, a 10 may mean “medical care provided without error by qualified healthcare professionals.” For some of your patients, a 10 may mean “attractive nurses, plenty of morphine, and 200 cable channels on a big-screen TV.”

So, define your terms. This is particularly important with ratings. Make it clear what you mean by an 8 or a 10 or a 5 by providing examples of the care those ratings represent. In your definitions, avoid interpretations like “timely care” and provide factual examples like “nurses responded to calls within 10 minutes on average.”

In short, your respondents should never feel confused. You might add a question to your survey: “Did you find any questions in this survey confusing or difficult to answer? If so, please explain.” Use that feedback to continually improve the clarity of your survey and your respondents’ ability to answer accurately.

Remind Respondents of the Impact (Sources 1 and 3)

While I’m inclined to think that the discrepancies you cite have to do with ability and not motivation, here’s an idea just in case.

Remind patients of the personal and social value of complete and reliable data. You might do so on the survey itself and verbally when administering it.

“While this survey is optional, your honest and anonymous feedback help us provide quality care for the community. When you take the time to answer objectively, you help us provide better care for you and other patients.”

Hire An Agency (Source 6: Structural Ability)

Finally, consider hiring an agency. We sometimes do so with our own surveys. Professionals in survey design and analysis understand how various factors can contribute to discrepancies or bias, from wording to question types to the order of the questions themselves.

I hope this has sparked a few ideas. Certainly there are other ways you could apply the Influencer Model to your situation, and I invite readers to share their ideas.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post Patient Surveys and the Six Sources of Influence appeared first on Crucial Learning.