Comments on: Tommy, I’m Counting On You

By: Neil

Neil — Tue, 01 Mar 2016 15:11:28 +0000

Yes, I agree with what you have said. Happens too often for my liking.

A thought: – someone once said that respect is not a right, it’s earned. So what do we need to do to gain another persons respect in a situation that you describe?
Maybe, allow the other person to finish making (stating) their point of view (facts) & then asking “I think I understand what you are saying but just to make sure, ….. ” .
Would this sort of intervention help to “pour oil on troubled waters” ? – Kind of saying “I value your input but I want to pause & make sure I’ve got it right”
What do you think? Will it help?

By: Kerry Patterson

Kerry Patterson — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 17:27:27 +0000

In reply to Bruce.

You’re right about redirecting in private. You don’t want to come across as correcting someone in public. To help make a redirect safe, keep an upbeat tone–you’re not upset, you’re just wanting to keep the conversation civil.A slight smile and a positive assumption about the other person go a long way in making it safe.

By: Kerry Patterson

Kerry Patterson — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 17:21:36 +0000

In reply to Julinda. True, she isn't a relative or on the payroll. With regards to The Grey Fedora, try "The Marshmallow Massacre" for starters. If you don't laugh I'll send you one of my children's books for free.

By: Bruce

Bruce — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 15:45:55 +0000

It’s hard for me to imagine your first redirect example, “You know, when you raise your voice…”, not eliciting a more violent response – especially if done in a meeting with others around. Do these examples apply to group conversations or are they best for one-on-one?? What’s a good preface phrase to help the person being redirected feel safe?

By: Jean

Jean — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 15:40:28 +0000

I’m telling my granddaughters to listen, in future elections, for the Presidential candidate whose first name is Tommy. He’s the one to vote for.

Great story. Thank you so much.

By: Annik

Annik — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 21:10:54 +0000

This was such a refreshing article. I love how you find such great examples to teach simple, yet so hard to use, principles. Reading this gave me ideas on how to better handle so many situations at work! And yet, I have been practicing crucial conversation and crucial confrontation skills for many years!
Thank you for fast tracking my personal improvement journey!

By: Julinda

Julinda — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 19:59:04 +0000

In reply to Julinda. That is supposed to be a happy face, not an embarrassed one! Don't know how that happened.

By: Julinda

Julinda — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 19:58:23 +0000

Another brilliant Kerry Patterson article. And no, to anyone who wonders, I’m not related to him or paid to say this. ☺

I wish everyone would read your work, Kerry! I got your book (The Gray Fedora) for Christmas, but haven’t read it yet.

By: Kerry Patterson

Kerry Patterson — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 19:29:50 +0000

Please do borrow it.

By: Gregory Chapman

Gregory Chapman — Wed, 24 Feb 2016 19:12:53 +0000

Thanks for this insight, Kerry. It’s interesting to think about the various scenarios with a “what if” mindset and how much better the results might be, as discussed in some of the other comments. However, I think the problem goes deeper.

When I watch two people having a normal conversation in which they attempt to share ideas, even in families, all too often the conversation is held in broken sentences because the people believe they know what the other person is going to say and interrupts with their additional “insight,” or their rebuttal. More often than not, they have the wrong idea because they haven’t listened to completion what the other person had to say. In the end, either no progress is made with the discussion or the conversation devolves into the fight you describe.

It seems to me it boils down to a basic lack of respect for the other person or people involved in discussion. If we really respected others, we would give them the time to completely express their ideas, which would lead, I believe, to better understanding. And rather than assuming what a person means, the listener needs to ask questions to ensure understanding. I think this would either save time (and possibly shorten meetings) because we wouldn’t be wasting so much arguing about things that weren’t really part of the discussion, or would make us more efficient by allowing us to cover more ground in the allotted meeting time.

Unfortunately, our society seems to be in an entirely different mode in which respect, politeness and propriety are concepts no longer in our societal vocabulary.