Comments on: Christmas Relationships

By: Andy

Andy — Tue, 27 Dec 2022 19:34:06 +0000

The sentence that starts, “the issue is this”, I would leave out, “I think” and the entire second sentence. In the third sentence, I’d also leave out the “I think” statement. The welfare of your children is at stake, this has already been agreed to, be firm, but fair.

By: William Whipple

William Whipple — Tue, 23 Dec 2014 02:56:44 +0000

Although the conversation sounds very idealistic, it would be best to wait till February to have it. Emotions are volatile around the holidays. If she did respond defensively, it could bring conflict into the holiday. Then that would be what the kids remember.

By: Jim M

Jim M — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 19:30:45 +0000

In reply to DB. I agree. My first impression was he hasn't moved on & is looking for an excuse to reinsert himself into her life. I think the conversation needs to be with the kids. Comfort them and explain to them how you love them instead of worrying about mom dating again. You're divorced, she's moved on. Get over it.

By: Vivian

Vivian — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 04:53:41 +0000

In reply to Sue Gloier. Joseph, what a wonderful piece of advise from you . The very fact that one of the parents feels this way, ie keeping the well being of the children first,makes gives me strong feeling that full reconciliation will happen sooner or later. I'd urge the perplexed to take it fwd your way. After all isn't it our children who bind us together...

By: Sue Gloier

Sue Gloier — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 00:09:20 +0000

Yes, I agree with “DB’s comments”. This issue is not an issue for the children, this is an issue for the ex-husband. People who are breaking up often make agreements/promises that seem realistic at the time (and often make the agreements just to keep the peace). The wife has moved on and times have changed. Sorry Joseph but I disagree with your take on this and your advice to the ex-husband. Unless the children are being harmed or complaining I think the ex-husband needs to move on and stay out of her business! SG

By: DB

DB — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 18:45:49 +0000

You told yourself a story – about a different man in ther bed for the past two Christmases. You mentioned nothing about your kids – and if they have any negative comments or feelings about their monther’s boyfriends. Is this about YOUR issue with her dating? I think you need to look at your feelings about this issue BEFORE you have this discussion. Your perception of this is based on your view, and not all the facts.

By: Mk

Mk — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 18:40:11 +0000

I always start with the “why would a reasonable, rational person do this?” kind of approach. Ask yourself that first, and find the best guess and lead with that. “the last few xmas mornings our kids have been faced with a situation that we had hoped could be simple when we agreed to our terms (common pool of interest). my best guess is that you thought your relationships were going to turn out different (building safety). so, this year, I am feeling a bit worried that if you have another overnight guest, it’s going to start getting complicated if it isn’t already that way for them (identifying the gap). What is important to me in bringing this up, is that we are both doing the best we can, with room for life to be imperfect, while making room to improve as well (start with heart). Can you tell me where you are at? have things changed, or is there something we can adjust to prevent the kids from having any confusion over our choices in our romantic relationships?(encouraging dialog and reassuring safety) (asking for what you really want the outcome to posses)

By: Ken

Ken — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 17:54:00 +0000

I think you missed an important aspect of this. Once the ex is approached about this issue, however nice you may be the first reaction is for her ensure that the children do not “rat” on her any more. That places the children in a very difficult position.

The other approach would be to ask her generally whether she’s sticking to her verbal commitment and not bring the children into the discussion at all.

By: GreggJ

GreggJ — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 16:37:00 +0000

I would also add that to speak of a “broken commitment” may lead to other far-gone relationship contentions. Rather – state the issue as maybe a “change of heart” in the decision. Your parameters were based on 6-months duration and intent to marry. Perhaps that’s where’s she has been in these relationships, only for them to falter after the holiday/winter season. So – be sure that ALL your parameters of the agreement are in place.

Good luck with the encounter.

By: Manager9

Manager9 — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 14:26:59 +0000

It is rare that I comment on these posts but today I feel very compelled to applaud both the question and the response. I am in a very similar situation myself being separated for 3 years now. I like how you narrowed in on the fact at hand and how you offer the suggestion to set the stage for the conversation to be safe and comfortable to ensure intent and motive are clearly defined. Thank you for this post. It made me smile knowing I am not alone in some of the choices I make to protect the “little minds”.