Susanne’s comment is totally where my head is on this one – that friend has a self-esteem problem. She may not be able to give a compliment easily or in a way that it is understood as a compliment but please don’t encourage your child to abandon this other child – your child may be the only one that this other child can admit this insecurity to and may need just the encouragement to believe in herself that your child can offer.

My daughter didn’t have a chance to practice the skills with this particular girl as the friendship itself seems to be changing. The friend opted to spend more time with other people toward the end of the school year and is now away at summer camp.

However, the skills themselves are some my daughter will be able to use any number of times as she navigates her way through middle school (starting this fall) and beyond.

Thanks again!

“I’m sad that you don’t feel like you’re measuring up, but if you stop to think about it, I’m sure you can think of situations where you do better than other people. We all have talents and comparing isn’t a very good thing to do because there will always be someone better at what you are doing and someone not as good.”

I would then suggest that he/she write 3 things they did well at the end of each day in a journal, and can add 3 nice things about the day too. That will start to build a positive self-esteem and mental focus.

My opinion is the strategy described above is basically shutting a person off and letting them feel bad about themselves, rather than saying “I see your pain, I feel that way too sometimes, and here are my suggestions as to how you can feel better.”

I almost skipped reading your message today on Crucial Conversations for kids, because all my children have reached adulthood. However, wisdom does not always come with a label, so I read the question and your reply. The last paragraph on how, in general to deal with friends, applies to kids AND adults; to friends AND family. That guidance bears repeating as we approach the Thanksgiving & Christmas family-gathering seasons. Thanks.

Charles R Demers, PhD
Author of “Communicate Clearly NOW!”

As I read it, though, I had to wonder if a few other things might be coming into play…

Possibly the friend is trying to compliment the daughter but doesn’t quite know how to do that well.

I also wondered if the friend has a self-confidence issue and is actually seeking positive feedback.

Or maybe she is in some way seeking insight into how to go about things differently to achieve a different result.

At 10, communication and interpersonal skills are often not well perfected and as such, the patience part of your guideance seems particularly appropriate.