Both my husband and I have memory issues due to autoimmune disease, leaving us with spotty memories. Instead of getting angry about something the other person forgot, or, in my case, misunderstood because of my hearing loss, we just review the plans for the day or whatever. What is, is. We just deal with it.

Part of the key is to realize, admit and understand the deficiency you have, and any deficiency the other person has. And this is very, very hard. It requires you to accept the perception of the other person about your hearing, memory, or whatever as correct. Then it requires that you admit and understand the deficiency, and that you do what you can about it, if anything can be done. Get the hearing aids and learn to use them. Carry a little notebook and write things down in it if your memory is the problem. See a therapist if warranted. Obviously, the other person has to go through the same process.

As we get older, disability happens. Deal with it, be grateful that you can, and remember the alternative to getting older: death.

I really appreciate what you’re saying. However, I think we should carefully clarify the statement that “it takes two to have interpersonal problems.” Misapplied, that phrase can get us in big trouble–especially within the crucial conversations model.

“It takes two” can sound like “both of you are always to blame.” Beware–that thought can be a self-destructive guilt trap, and I don’t think you mean that.

In some situations the only options are 1) severe ongoing interpersonal problems or 2) withdrawal. And there’s the rub. In Crucial Conversations, withdrawal usually signals “going to silence,” which prevents positive teamwork and stops information flow into the pool of shared knowledge. But sometimes it is essential!

Examples: if the other person has a mutually-destructive compulsive disorder or psychological issue (which can be hard for a non-professional to spot), or when abuse is taking place and the abuser has no apparent motivation to change (also hard to spot if the abuse is emotional and the recipient is uninformed). In these cases, personal safety has to come first! Setting appropriate boundaries is essential. Withdrawing may finally prove to be the only option. In fact, done right, appropriate boundaries/withdrawing may be the only way that to encourage change in the other party.

Although these situations are extreme, they are more common than we may realize.

So, I think we should be careful about saying “it takes two to have interpersonal problems.” Let’s remember that it really means: “it’s your responsibility to DO something about it” instead of being an assertion of blame. Look inside first, get your motive right, try to agree on ground rules, but if that fails and your physical or emotional safety is at risk, keep taking action: get help in setting appropriate, enforceable boundaries, and withdraw if/when necessary.