Comments on: Help! My Friend is Unfit for a Referral

By: Sara

Sara — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:07:37 +0000

Thank you! This was so helpful. I have been in the same dilemma for the past few months. Every time a position opens, I have a friend that applies and wants a recommendation – no matter what the position is and whether she does or doesn’t have the experience/edu for it. I now will be better prepared (and honest) the next time she approaches me.

By: Monica Kane

Monica Kane — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:53:44 +0000

For the response on Q&A Help! My Friend is Unfit for a Referral
I really found this article to be helpful and just wanted to fill in one small part that to me seemed to be key for the advice to sit well within my soul.
To prepare for the conversation, I understood the first step is to check in with yourself and determine what you really want. To be a good friend and connect with them consistently –that would require that I am honest and fair. My best guess is that there is a little bit of attribution error going on here with this guy, looking at past behavior and deciding that they posses character traits that are written in stone. If I were in his shoes, I would identify what I really wanted out of the relationship. My conversation would include observations of the past, with a question to my friend of how I might see their side of the observed situation and ask for honest guidance in how I could put in a recommendation based on what I know.
An example would look like this “in your last job you told me that you hated data entry and that you wanted to quit because your wrists hurt and you didn’t want to develop carpel tunnel syndrome. This job you are asking me to recommend you for would require a bit of data entry. I am concerned the job you want would recreate your last job scenario and would reflect on me negatively. I’m not willing to stick my neck out that far. Would you be willing to go into a different position?” The topic is interchangeable, but the structure is the same for any topic. The structure is: my observation; my story; their story as I best understand it; my request for understanding; establishing my boundary; suggested resolution. It takes some work, but if you really want to connect consistently, it’s worth it.

By: Laura Moen

Laura Moen — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 16:05:59 +0000

Great topic! This is an example of an issue that many of us face in different forms every day. When I was a college professor, I would get requests from almost everyone who took a course from me or who had me as an advisor to provide a recommendation for something – medical school, graduate school, a job, etc. And, of course, not everyone had the same level of qualifications for these varied requests, which meant that I had to deal with a number of potentially difficult situations. I found it was useful first of all to do exactly what was recommended here – think it out before I had the conversation with someone. But I also realized that there were many ways to handle such requests. I made sure that everyone who asked me understood that I would not misrepresent their qualifications, and I also asked them what they’d particularly like me to emphasize about their skills. This often provided the basis for a conversation about how strong a letter I would be able to write, but it would be in context and I always gave someone the option of asking someone else who might know them better or have a more favorable perspective.