Comments on: Improving Mother-Daughter Relationships

By: Sophie

Sophie — Sun, 14 Feb 2021 20:36:04 +0000

Hi Eileen, your message was some years ago now but it felt very sad to me. This is not your daughter not calling because she doesn’t have time, this is your daughter not calling because she is in anabusive, controlling relationship.

I hope you and your daughter got the support you needed. I don’t know much about dealing with abusive relationships but I am sure there is some kind of help and support network put there.

Maybe start with the citizens advice network in your country.

By: Eileen Alanna

Eileen Alanna — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 13:02:26 +0000

Hi everyone. I have read all the above comments and found them interesting, everyone has there own way of coping with this. I am finding it very hard, my daughter and I have always been close but the last few years she has pulled away. It feels like a bereavement, as I hardly see her and my five grandchildren anymore and when I do it’s a whistle stop visit 40 minutes max. I am concerned as I found out there has been abuse in the marriage. My son-in-law has been physically abusive to the children and I was given temporary custody of the kids as a result. Since then they have re-united and I feel her husband is dictating when she can come over. Her mobile is blocked there is no landline anymore and I feel when I text that he replies, the wording doesn’t sound like hers. So my concern is their safety and I have no way of knowing how they are until I see them. I don’t know how to deal with this, my health is suffering and I have become deeply depressed, I don’t know how it’s going to end I just have to wait and hope they will be safe.

By: Jane

Jane — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 20:40:21 +0000

Ignored mother is hardly ignored. For married daughters with children she gets to talk with her children quite frequently. What difference does it makes who calls who, as long as they appear to be happy to hear from you. Don’t ask for more than they can give, when they are caring enough to call you and take your call on a regular basis. I haven’t heard from my daughter in 10 years. On Mother’s day all those years ago she told me she did not want to talk to me anymore. I don’t know why, but a year later after very tentative attempts to stay in contact, she called me on Mother’s Day to tell me, “absolutely do not contact me…no phone calls, emails, letters!” So, I would be grateful and happy for a call once a month. Appreciate what you have and stop calling yourself “Ignored Mother.”

By: editor

editor — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 19:25:24 +0000

@Ann, that's a great question! If you'd like to submit your question to be answered in the newsletter, please visit vitalsmarts.com/askanexpert.aspx.

By: Ann

Ann — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 01:48:12 +0000

My grown daughter lives 1000 miles away so we don’t get together very often. I don’t nag her about calling, etc. She has emailed me twice this year and I’ve done a few times more. My last e-mail to her was on St. Patrick’s Day where I asked her if her schedule permitted her to come home for Easter. I realized she probably wouldn’t be able to make the trip but wanted her to know she is always welcome to come home anytime on any day. However, I’ve never heard from her. I think she should have the courtesy to tell me her work schedule is overloaded at this time of year. I’ve sort of left it in her lap to let me know. She has a good job so I know she could afford it. I did pay for her flight home at Christmas time in 2010. She was too busy in 2011. Do you think I should give her a call to ask about her plans? She never calls and I don’t either because in the past, I end up leaving a message and she never returns the call.

By: Joy

Joy — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 23:16:04 +0000

Al, I do not agree. I am a mom of 2 grown daughters, I love talking with them, but would never tell them I want to hear from them every week. It is just artificial. The girls are grown women. Maybe Mom needs to get more in her life.

By: Val Boyko

Val Boyko — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 20:57:36 +0000

Al, I like your approach…. as well as your books. Thank you for sharing your own experience with your mother. Relationships with our mothers can be the hardest of all…. and are the foundation for all relationships we experience as we go through life. Exploring our mother relationships can also be insightful for how we interact and deal with conflict at work and with our partners. Finding a way to build that relationship before it is too late is what we at Mother Whisperers want to encourage everyone to do and find peace of mind.

By: Frank Bertram

Frank Bertram — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 16:53:07 +0000

“but I would like to have conversations with them several times a week.”

This lady is needy. SHE needs to get a life! They are grown up now Mom, and you need to back off. I don’t push myself on my 2 kids, because my Mom did that to me and it was terrible. When I was 38 yo, living alone in my house, I spent a night with a friend, and Mom called every hour all night long because I “should have been home!” That’s how bad it was. Daily phone calls were required to keep her in check. I was forced to lie sometimes, which I hated myself for later. The alternative would have been severing the relationship and that would have hurt her severely. I call my son at college about once every 7 to 10 days, just to see how it’s going, if he needs anything, and say “I love you.” If he needs anything, or advice on something though, he calls me. I think we have an open, healthy relationship. Our conversations are rarely more than 3 minutes long, unless we are planning an outing together.

Frank

By: Gary Cohen

Gary Cohen — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 13:25:52 +0000

Al,

Great questions to ask. I like your straight forward approach to knowing how to get out of your head and into your relationship. Gary

By: Christine Silver

Christine Silver — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 20:52:21 +0000

I encourage the mother to think about why she wants to talk with her daughters so often. My mother asks me for weekly phone calls and it’s essentially her telling me what she’s been eating and watching on tv, or gossip about other people. It’s very one sided despite my speaking up about it. I came to the conclusion that she must want to be seen and my contribution is listening. But frankly, I don’t want to do it more than once a week.