Comments on: Talking About Starting a Family

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 15:02:34 +0000

I struggle with the advice to set up space to talk and establishing safety without revealing the topic (last paragraph, “Setting Expectations”). In the first place, it’s unrealistic to think that the first conversation, Setting Up Time to Talk, wouldn’t include a question from the spouse along the lines of, “Sure, what about?” If one were to persist in trying to make the conversation about setting up time and not the topic, it seems that would erode trust and build unnecessary anxiety. As others have noted, this is a 15 year relationship, and there is likely more than one topic of discussion that could be at play, such as finances, upcoming family visits, or housework distribution. It seems unfair to make someone wonder what it is they are agreeing to meet about.

By: Mike

Mike — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 10:54:49 +0000

Scott is RIGHT ON. They are not discussing whether or not to buy a car. This is life and core values. First problem was 11 years before marriage, what is that? This discussion should have been clear many times over during the relationship before marriage. Maybe not a threat, but definitely a deal breaker due to lack of basic pre-marriage communication and aspirations.

By: editor

editor — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:41:14 +0000

@Scott That's great advice. Based on the information "Mommy Dreams" shared, a crucial conversation (or a series of crucial conversations as Ron suggests) might uncover potentially dangerous issues that should be addressed in counseling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

By: editor

editor — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:38:01 +0000

@Michael Sklar That's a great point! It's so important to find out WHY Mommy Dream's husband doesn't want to talk about starting a family.

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 19:25:46 +0000

After rereading the article again, it occurs to me that there is little to no mention of the emotional side of the relationship. While I agree that the topic has been created into an “undiscussable”, the history of the relationship is ignored, and answered only in the context of how to apply the skill sets you teach.

Point in fact. The couple has been together for 15 years. Point in fact. The husband does not wish to engage in the conversation about starting a family. That’s pretty much all we really know. We do not know if it’s an abusive relationship, we do not know if he made a statement early in the relationship stating that he did not want to have children, nor did “Mommy” (based on what was published) indicate the reason why he was disinclined to discuss the topic. We don’t know how old he is – what if he is in his early 20’s or late 50’s? All of this information changes the dynamic of the relationship and conversation.

Directing her to create a safe environment, establish a mutual purpose, and to not judge the responses, are all good in a healthy relationship. However, this one appears, on the surface, to be extremely unhealthy and potentially dangerous to the writer. It may have been better to reference a relationship conversation in another context, rather than an emotionally charged one like deciding to have children.

Generally, your advice and use of the skills you present are spot on. However, this one I fear falls way short of the mark, and it should have been suggested to the writer to seek marital counseling if possible, or individual counseling if more appropriate.

By: Michael Sklar

Michael Sklar — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 22:18:52 +0000

I would add that you may encounter additional challenges after creating enough safety to make the undiscussable discussable. As the two of you begin to share your stories, you may benefit from engaging in independent or mutual discovery to create a new, shared story that is better informed. For example, a friend of ours was not sure whether she was ready to add children to her family because she had heard from others nothing but ‘your life will never be your own,’ ‘sleep now because you won’t be able to sleep later,’ and so on. But when she heard from others how emotionally rewarding and funny children can be, her entire perspective changed.

Another friend wasn’t sure he and his wife could afford to raise children. They met with a financial advisor and learned about a variety of ways to lessen the financial burden, which made him much more comfortable with the decision to have children.

I wish you the best of luck with your truly crucial conversation.