Want to improve your relationship with your adult stepchildren? Start with these tips:

Let go of judgment. Stop viewing them through critical lenses. Accept them completely as they are. You may not agree with their choices. You have no say in what they do.

Be likable. Warm your way into their hearts with cards, thoughtful gifts, nice dinners and supportive conversation. Your primary goal is to be pleasant. The rest will take care of itself.

Find common interests. Discover ways you can connect with each adult stepchild. Talk sports with the Giants fan. Buy seeds for the gardener in the family. You’ll impress the kids with your caring behavior, and you’ll start to develop stronger bonds.

Zip your lips. Never criticize the kids or their parent. That’s not your role. Let them solve their own problems. You graciously stay out of the way.

Set time limits. Have trouble being around the adult stepkids? Then limit the length of your visits. If two hours is your max, feel free to leave after two hours. But be pleasant and smile during your outing.

Know that time is your ally. The kids may or may not accept you. You can only do the best that you can. Hopefully your ongoing efforts will win them over. Be patient. It may take time.

Commit yourself to your partner. You fell in love with your spouse. The kids came included in the deal. Focus your energies on the person you chose. That’s where your ultimate happiness lies.

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I would view this situation similar to being hired into a new professional role. Don’t try or don’t make any changes (in the household) for a few months. Let things continue as status quo, including the drop in visits by your stepkids. They, too, have to get used to the new routine(s) and in time I’m sure they will. You have to remember they probably have concerns about their dad’s new marriage and relationship. They don’t want to lose the connection w/their dad. You may not think or want that to happen as well but they are still young adults, not well versed in real life experiences so they’re not sure about things. They are probably also “testing the waters” as well.

In time, once things settle down you and your husband should be able to provide the young men with rules and boundaries that you all can and will agree to.

Sacrifices on your part will be stressful in the beginning but in the end it will be all worth it for you, your husband, your stepkids, and especially your marriage.

P.S. Read #5 above “Set Time Limits” for yourself. If you need time away graciously excuse yourself and retreat to your room or go do some shopping. Just say, “I’m going to get outta your hair and let you three enjoy some time together”. But one word of caution…DON’T do this all the time the boys visit. Just when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

And don’t let this fester. Like I said above “Sacrifices on your part will be stressful in the beginning but in the end it will be all worth it for you, your husband, your stepkids, and especially your marriage”.

Good luck