Comments on: How to Speak Up For Your Morals and Values

By: Megan Gilardi

Megan Gilardi — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 23:14:06 +0000

In reply to Deb. I too appreciate the notion of “letting it be weird.” I wonder too, a simple technique if the female employee were to speak first in person, instead of written down, might be to name the awkwardness first. “Guys, things are about to weird, awkward, or even uncomfortable.” PAUSE (letting her statement sink in and prepare her colleagues attention to expect something awkward or uncomfortable) and then say go on to explain the facts and the emotional safety message and the meat of the issue—defining the type of language she needs to feel respected, safe, or like she belongs, or what not.

By: Margaret Grün

Margaret Grün — Wed, 13 Dec 2017 08:22:58 +0000

I also disagree on this issue. I am a older (>50) North American female working in IT in Austria. The standards, values and morals of my co-workers are not mine. My attempts to stand up for my morals and gain respect for them re-enforce my position as outsider and foreigner. I choose between voicing my values and remaining within the society of those I work with. Most groups are not tolerant of what they view as extremist foreign values.

By: MED

MED — Tue, 12 Dec 2017 18:01:39 +0000

I think making sexual and or racist remarks towards someone is completely unacceptable. Any reputable company will have an HR policy to address such issues. What I struggle with is the Pious attitude of some folks. The “I can only be happy if everybody behaves the way I want them to behave” attitude has got to end. The need to be the moral compass of the world is not the right of me or any individual. Why do I get to impose my beliefs or values on anyone? If you are a person that does not use course language, people will notice and become cognizant on how freely they use such language. I prefer to repeat what the person said and replace the course language word with another adjective. A word in general conversation is just a word. A word used to attack another is a different matter. Just like a steak knife is a great thing until it is held to your throat in the pursuit of your wallet. If you are NOT under attack, let your example be the way you get the world to treat you, don’t make more rules. The pursuit should be collaboration not control.

By: David

David — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 13:58:07 +0000

While I generally find the Cruicial Skills Q&A pieces to be valuable and find the advice given to be reasonable, I respectfully disagree with Joseph’s advice in this case. My advice to the writer would be to first make an attempt to speak to one or more of the offenders privately to convey her concerns. In line with what Nancy suggested above, approaching one of her original co-workers first might be a good way to attempt to address informally. Of course, if an informal route is not successful, then I would recommend following Joseph’s advice and contacting HR for guidance. My thinking is simply that if this is a working relationship that is to endure for the future, then communicating one’s demands in writing is not a good first step for that relationship. Just my opinion…

By: Just an IT Hardware Gal

Just an IT Hardware Gal — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 17:23:36 +0000

I have to disagree a bit with this approach. Guys tend to be more straightforward & if you want them to both respect AND trust you. I would just let them know that you would prefer not to hear that language & that if they would appreciate it if they would speak as if both there Mom & Grandmother were in the room that should give them a benchmark. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised, in that they will adhere to your request. Whereas, if you take this outside the team to HR there will be ramifications. Even if they may try not to, you will end up being treated differently, (squealer) & you will no longer be included in the friendship required for an excellent team.
Now…, if they continue with the bad behavior & remarks, then definitely follow the HR route. AND make sure you do document the initial infractions, when you asked them to stop & that it did not.
From one IT Hardware Gal to another.

PS This may not be the “Company” Line or the PC Line or whatever us in management are required to say. But…, in BOTH my work life(I work in IT) & my personal life(I live in an all male household) this is the way it will work. Guys are just not that complicated, tell them what you want!

By: Barbara Pilarcik

Barbara Pilarcik — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 16:12:10 +0000

This is sexual harassment. She is the only female, the language is sexual and totally unrelated to any of the work they are doing. It is illegal and not her role to point that out to the co-workers. Her company has an obligation to step in and stop it immediately.
When will we ever learn?

By: Deb

Deb — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 02:24:20 +0000

I usually agree wholeheartedly with the recommendations, but on this one I’m not comfortable going to a written communication before trying to have a discussion. As a women who works in admin in a male dominated field (law enforcement), this has come up many times over the years. In instances where we are in small groups, working extra hours together, the tongues tend to fly a little easier – usually with excessive F-bombs or GD’s/JCs. Usually, just a mention that it’s bothersome or has crossed a line will put a stop to it. They’ll throw a couple extra words out there (to show me I can’t tell them what to do) or tease me a bit, but they usually revert back to being professional.

I like the line about ‘letting it be weird’. They guys were comfortable enough with letting you be one of the guys for a moment. Just remind them you’re still a lady but can still hang with the fellas; you just have some boundaries.

Lastly, do it sooner rather than later; or they will be upset that you allowed them to continue without saying something. Most people don’t intentionally try to offend you, but they can’t change their behavior if they don’t know it bothers you.

By: Clifford Spoonemore

Clifford Spoonemore — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 16:41:12 +0000

Hi,
Are we leaving the supervisor out of this, or are we also assuming the supervisor is part of the problem? As a supervisor I have some (if not most) of the responsibility to make the work place safe and a place you want to be a part of.

Should I fall off the wagon, I would hope that someone would also reach out their hand to bring me back on the wagon. Sometimes it is easy to go with the flow to help with the transition if you were not expecting this casual (rude) communication style. I may have been focused on the goal (mission) rather than the overall health of the group. That would have been a failure on my part, but I know me and it could happen.

CES

By: Nancy Skewis

Nancy Skewis — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 15:54:29 +0000

I wonder also if she should ask her “standard” colleagues if they had any issue with it. Just because they are male doesn’t mean they weren’t uncomfortable with the language too; this need for change may not be something she alone is feeling. This may provide allies if she has to go to HR. It feels like she should ask the colleagues about it after she sends the email, so that the email is in her voice alone (she can’t speak for the others). Would that be right?

By: Anne Marie

Anne Marie — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 15:07:38 +0000

Your wisdom in crucial conversations is clear. Your motivation to affect positive change is commendable. And the tools you recommend are practical. I only wish you could take your expertise and guidance to Capital Hill, to both political parties, where conversations are crucial on a national and global scale, where facts are lost in the cesspool of political emotions, and where positive change is of critical importance.