Comments on: Influencing an Unfaithful Spouse

By: LR

LR — Sun, 24 Jan 2016 16:37:15 +0000

Thank you for sharing your timely wisdom. I believe your advice applies to any on-going, inapropos behavior by one person to another, as well as relationships which are more continuously & excessively out-of-balance than in balance due to on-going selfish “misbehavior” & hurtful choices of one person, with the other person with a heart of grace accommodating those misbehaviors/choices.
Making the break (implementing healthier boundaries, with a heart/healthy motive of tough love) is difficult when there’s TIA (time-invested affection), with many relationship ties, & when the “misbehaved” is a master at “damage control”.
“…which will offer him a convenient scapegoat for his own choices. You could become the “bad guy” he needs to rationalize his acting out in future years”. May I add that he may also play the “bad guy” card by his exaggerated remarks of being expected to be “perfect” & other red-herring remarks.
Prayers to all who are in such a situation…& please, pray for me.

By: Jose Harris

Jose Harris — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 19:13:49 +0000

Dear Married,

I suppose by your “religious beliefs” you are speaking of Judeo-Christian beliefs. Recall that Jesus cited sexual immorality as grounds for divorce. As difficult as such a choice might be, Grizzly Bear Mom made it, and others have well. Joseph noted that you could become like your husband–see Proverbs 13:20 for support.

I am a strong believer is the sanctity of marriage–one woman for 31 years, and faithful. We’ve had good times, and we’ve had challenges that helped us grow. Not everybody wants to grow.

There are reasonable, religious grounds for taking the step. God made you to live life and live it abundantly. I am not advising anything other than evaluating what is right for you, because what we do reflects who we are. That holds true for both you and your husband. As Joseph notes, you can’t change him–he has to choose to change his behavior. He has a choice … so do you.

Sincerely,
Jose

By: Been there

Been there — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 12:16:58 +0000

Excellent response! This is the best answer I have ever read dealing with this issue, sex addiction. It’s very straightforward and concise, but is very thorough. I know “Married to a sex addict” wants someone to guide her in her choice and she’s at a very vulnerable time in her life. Probably none of her friends or even members of her religion will be able to offer her much help. They may even blame her somehow or try to minimize her husband’s addiction. Only people who have been married to someone with this problem will get it. My favorite part of the response: “There is nothing you can do to change him. Nothing. There are, however, things you can do to get in the way of him changing.” We cannot change anyone. But – and this was very hard for me to understand – there are things we can do to get in the way of our mate’s progress. There is so much hurt and anger when you find out you are married to a sex addict. It is extremely difficult to be in this situation and behave with a level head and calm demeanor. Basically, you do want to yell, scream, name-call, threaten, and control. You go through all of the stages of grief and anger is definitely one of them. This woman is very early in her marriage. Many of us have lived for decades with this situation and never knew it. Maybe we had suspicions and tried to confront our mate, who then would tell us there’s nothing wrong, we’re imagining it. Living a life that is a lie can make you feel crazy. I would advise “Married to a sex addict” to see a therapist that deals specifically with this issue of sex addiction. And I think she should separate from her husband. She needs the space and so does he. Recovery will happen if he wants it to happen. He needs to be a complete, healthy individual. That is not her job as a wife to make him whole.

By: Someone who has walked in your shoes

Someone who has walked in your shoes — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 19:32:47 +0000

Dear Married to a Sex Addict. I too married a sex addict, but did not know that for 21 years when he finally came cleaned and confessed that he had cheated on me all 21 years we were married. It was then that I learned that the only time he was faithful was during our engagement (1.5 years).

He was abusive from the start, continually put me down, and even threaten my life if I attempted to leave. It was really, really bad. I completely lost myself. It took years of therapy for me to find myself again once the relationship had ended.

My advice, get out now. You deserve so much better. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can change him. IT DOESN’T WORK! This disease is very insidious and sucks you in like you can’t believe, AND you don’t that is happening until you get out. GET OUT NOW. Frankly run as fast as you can away from this relationship. Trust me. What I wouldn’t give to have that 21 years back. The good news is that I recovered and am so much stronger now than I ever was. Had I had the strength back then when I met him, I would have never stood for any of his antics, and could have avoided a life of misery for 21 years.

Seriously, get out and don’t look back.

By: nancy lamers

nancy lamers — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 13:19:41 +0000

Thank you Joseph for such heartfelt advice. I pray she listens and learns. I would like to point out to her that regardless of his actually “having an affair” he is already being unfaithful by sending flirty texts. This is a violation of the marriage relationship. May you find God’s peace and joy,

By: Megan

Megan — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 03:59:20 +0000

This is one of the best responses I have read on this blog in quite some time. Well done and thank you for taking on this thorny question.

By: Grizzly bear mom

Grizzly bear mom — Wed, 20 Jan 2016 23:43:55 +0000

In reply to josephgrenny. Thank you. Religious people sometimes work really really hard to make relationships work. If your other half isn't working just as hard, leave, especially if they could hurt you or even worse your kids. God told us to be good stewards of what we are blessed with. That includes or lives, and leaving a path to the light behind us.

By: Lil

Lil — Wed, 20 Jan 2016 20:52:01 +0000

Dear Joseph,
Wow!! Spot on! This is truly a difficult one and your comments are very well done!! Once known then the responsibility lies with the decision maker and can not be placed on others…sooooo 😉 I really hate to see woman, and men, “spend” their precious time and resources being made “less than” from a relationship instead of “more than.” I pray that patterns of enabling are broken so that those who hold the light may be upheld, and therefore, hold it up for others…

By: josephgrenny

josephgrenny — Wed, 20 Jan 2016 20:48:19 +0000

In reply to Marilyn. I am so glad to hear that, Marilyn. I believe in redemption - and am happy for whomever it comes!

By: josephgrenny

josephgrenny — Wed, 20 Jan 2016 20:47:22 +0000

In reply to Grizzly Bear Mom. Thank you for your vulnerability and concern, GBM. I can feel your concern.