Comments on: Living with a Hoarder?

By: Mary B.

Mary B. — Sat, 22 Aug 2020 03:55:08 +0000

I’ve been married for 17 yrs. to a hoarder, who is also controlling and immature. It’s just gotten worse. Anything I say is incorrect. I’ve given up. Can’t do it anymore as I’m not well. I try to “act as if” everything is fine–can’t do any more than that. I would rather live in one clean room with my two sweet cats; however, that wouldn’t work either. Some days I hope my life on this old earth is short. No victimization–just wish it were my time to go.

By: Candy Sullivan

Candy Sullivan — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 13:08:11 +0000

My husband is a hoarder. He pretty much confines his hoarding to his side of the bed/bedroom, his truck, his half of the garage. I am no neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but we have bugs in the garage and I know it’s because it’s disgusting (my side is reasonably organized.) He had 2 strokes last year – nothing physical to look at, but the personality changes – the neuro said this was part of it. He gets very angry that I bug him, when it has been 2 years. Our friend took a week off to help us organize and at the end of the week we dumped 500 lb. of trash and still barely made a dent. Our sprinkler has been broken for 2 years but no one can get to the unit because of his ‘stuff’. We may have to move from this rental and I don’t want to have happen what happened the last time – when we paid to store GARBAGE for 7 years (yes, it was trash – I was taking care of my mother, said this big pile was to go curbside. When we moved from that storage unit, I discovered our kitchen trash can with GARBAGE in it.) If the garage was clean he would feel better but I can’t get him to see that getting it done once and for all would be beneficial to his mental health.
I think he would benefit from medication and hope that he can get on something when we go to the neuro which is in May.
This is more of a vent. Sorry.

By: David Maxfield

David Maxfield — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 15:49:57 +0000

In reply to Ken Donaldson.

Your caring and empathy for your mother come through loud and clear. I think that having your heart in the right place will show in your actions.

I agree that there are times when the advice I gave doesn’t apply. You bring up one of these circumstances: When the need for them to change is relatively low: a.) Your mother is elderly enough that the problem won’t get much worse, and b.) You can cope with the situation in a way that keeps her safe.

Another time when my advice doesn’t apply is the opposite of yours: When the need for them to change is especially high–for example, they are creating an immediate threat to their own safety or to the safety of others. In these circumstances someone needs to play the enforcer role–to take immediate action to restore physical safety. Often, loved ones allow unsafe conditions to continue out of love for the hoarder.

David

By: Ken Donaldson

Ken Donaldson — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 14:11:17 +0000

Great article and much appreciated. My mom is 90 and has been a “border hoarder” for many years (my dad’s way of coping over the years was to build more cabinets to store it all in…they had LOTS of cabinets in the end), with the level of it worsening as the years have gone by. I’m a fairly emotionally intelligent mental health professional, so I get all the implications. However, as you know, when it’s your own blood, it can be (and usually is) much more challenging. I usually come to this conclusion: She’s not going to change (I have brought in people to help and she’s stone-walled every one of them, including me) and I need to focus on acceptance to prevent resentment and ongoing frustration. However, I have also begun to develop the art of “therapeutic deception.” When she’s not there, I subtly take some of her “stuff” (mostly paper, boxes, articles, coupons, etc.) and throw it away. It doesn’t feel good, but it feels better than having her stuff sprawl until it reaches the pint of her tripping over it and therefore becoming dangerous. Would love to hear your thoughts and feedback regarding all that. BIG thanks proactively!!