Comments on: Manipulating Crucial Skills https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Thu, 10 Nov 2016 04:55:26 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: Lang https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4888 Thu, 10 Nov 2016 04:55:26 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4888 I am somewhat puzzled over the last bit : “Because that’s how life works.” The only thing you can control is yourself. Everything else is about influence. If influence fails, controlling yourself is all you’ve got.”

It has been the ways manipulators used on their victims : ( Take it or leave it, if you don’t take it , other will. / I am not the only one doing it, others do it too. so accept it / this is how life works , just accept it / that is life. live with it …. )

]]> By: Gregorio https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4887 Sun, 11 Sep 2016 12:58:51 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4887 How can I treat with people who ask me something about myself but do not listen to my answers and try to change conversation

]]> By: Chip https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4886 Fri, 09 Sep 2016 21:20:45 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4886 Thanks very much! As usual, these Crucial Skills posts are so constructive, useful, and most welcome.

]]> By: Julinda https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4885 Thu, 08 Sep 2016 16:57:08 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4885 Your last paragraph was meaningful to me – I tend to get negative attitudes about perceived “flaws” in people in authority, and that really isn’t helpful, is it?

]]> By: Judy https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4884 Thu, 08 Sep 2016 13:31:20 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4884 #1 “Look for the Truth” really resonated with me. I find myself coaching others with M&M – not the candy variety. Message and Method are the M&Ms. When someone delivers a truthful message but uses a poor method of delivery, it is very distracting. Listening to the message is important no matter how it is delivered. Providing feedback on the delivery method can grow someone’s ability to be influential and increase safety.

]]> By: Wes https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4883 Thu, 08 Sep 2016 12:44:54 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4883 In reply to Morgan.

Thanks Morgan, this is good advice. I don’t think it is necessary to feel respect for a coworker (including a “boss”) in order to show them respect. However, I think Joeseph’s advise goes to far to patronize the “boss”. I think actually addressing someone as “Boss” is a mistake in the US. Slavery has been abolished.

]]> By: MAW https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4882 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 19:43:09 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4882 In reply to Andrea Lupton.

Define what threatens safety

]]> By: MAW https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4881 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 19:41:28 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4881 I found it very interesting that Not just about me’s safety was not addressed. I have heard some say crucial skills is borderline manipulation and that it could easily be misused. My own answer to that is to focus on safety, both mine and the other person. Without true safety – it is too easy for me to confuse contributing with manipulation or bullying as he/she called it.
The conversation would sound something like “I have been working on sharing my opinion and contributing to the team, but I am having a hard time because _______.” Filling in the blank is needed with the great given advice, ie… Not villainous accusations or any reflection on what the boss is doing or saying, just the truth around Not just about me’s safety. Facts that attest to the needs around safety, the story that is making him/her feel unsafe would give clues as to how best to address the situation as a whole.
My first conversation would look like this….
“I was interrupted and didn’t get to share what I felt was a valuable contribution. Was I on a different point or did my information seem appropriate to contribute during the meeting? It was my best guess that you wanted my opinion, but when I shared it with the team it didn’t seem well received. I am wondering why that is and what I can do to keep things moving forward in productivity.”
The scariest thing about this statement is that you might not like the honest answer back. I have had to look at myself in harsh light and see that the words, gestures, facial expressions or tone betrayed my true intentions. If I wanted to be received well, I had to adjust things to get the outcome that I wanted – an outcome that was closer to the truth of my intentions.
True intentions get lost in the pity party, or the ego trip we have when we think someone has slighted us. And it is extra hard to find out that I conjured the whole story on perceptions of my own rather than the true facts. But sometimes it’s a relief to find out that actually, I was cut off mid sentence because of time constraints, or a concern that things were getting away from the facilitator, or that he had a stomach ache and had to finish up quickly. so IMHO – it’s worth it to ask.

]]> By: Kim https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4880 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 18:30:36 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4880 I want to echo the positive comments stated above. Great stuff, Joseph! Of course, I would expect nothing less from you based other experiences I have had reading or viewing your work. And the paragraph Ian quoted above is pure gold. Thank you for the reminder(s)!

]]> By: Ruth https://cruciallearning.com/blog/manipulating-crucial-skills/#comment-4879 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 17:05:53 +0000 https://www.crucialskills.com/?p=6385#comment-4879 Really helpful, thank you. Particularly the advice about not letting your perceptions creep into the tone of your feedback – hard though.

]]>