Thanks for the comments: it is yes and no of course. If with a male colleague: it maybe more to pass the time during a conference or meeting. Possibly sharing a few small life stories but nothing to deep. If it is a female co-worker it is trying not to cross that line of when did we get past small talk. For me, I’m married, I don’t want to cross that line. It is a big bold line in my view so I don’t want to get that close to it. When you are at a 2-3 day conference then the tennis court has many opening serves, but if you do just want to talk about the weather topics then you need to know a bit more about this game of conversation.

I forgot to mention – the key to this is keeping your shared purpose in mind. Are you (both) interested in the content of the conversation, as well as related topics that might come up? Do you want to get to know the other person better (and is it mutual)? Are you just passing the time? Be sensitive to goal conflicts. As the song goes, “I thought that you’d want what I’d want. Sorry, my dear. Send in the clowns.”

Dave

I get that. Being single, I’ve spent quite quite a bit of time in the online dating world. I’ve learned to spot the moment on the first (and usually only) date when we’ve been together long enough. During a lull in conversation, if a good question doesn’t arise, especially after an hour or so of good interplay, I ask, “Is this a good time to break?” or “Do you think we should come back to this later?” The responses I’ve gotten have ranged from a look of relief to a deepening of the conversation.

The key thing is to recognize that all conversations come to a close. As an introvert, you’re probably fairly perceptive. Pay attention and see if you can notice the moment when the door is closing. You know what happens when you try to hold it open – your fingers get pinched.

Dave

Since you’re still working, you must be about my age or you’re younger than I am (I’m 53 and proud of it). Being older then many of the other mothers isn’t a negative at all. Being older gives you the opportunity to share your wisdom, knowledge, and life experience with them. But don’t try to “keep up with the Joneses”. And don’t try to be someone you’re not. And most of all, don’t try too hard to be liked. Stay genuine. Remain sincere. That’s what people like and that’s what people are drawn to. Also, have you thought about embarking on a workout program? Getting into shape and building some muscle are great self-esteem builders.

Congratulations, Julinda. It sounds like you are on the right track. However, having and doing all these things are good but there is one thing I think you’re lacking (other than self-esteem) and it’s PASSION.

You may be successful in your job and enjoy being active in your community. And you obviously love your family but you haven’t found YOUR PASSION.

To find what your passion is, John Maxwell suggests finding what you love to do that you would do FOR FREE, build those skills, and become an expert in that field.

For example, I rescue German shepherds. My passion other than saving their lives is to take unruly ragamuffins, rehabilitate and train them, and find homes for them. Once I retire that’s what I am going to do…for free.

Stephen Covey refers to an emotional bank account. I think you’re spending more and not depositing enough into yours. Once you find and pursue your passion, I can guarantee you’ll find your emotional bank account overflowing and not being overdrawn.

Overwhelm the negatives with positives!!!!

Low self-esteem is definitely a big part of it. In some situations I’m confident and sure of myself, but when it comes to making friends, I feel unworthy! I have heard of Brene Brown but not read anything – I will check it out. Another problem I have is that I had my kids rather late, so when it comes to activities where I’m around other parents, I’m old enough to be mother of many of them! So that adds another factor to the “they won’t want me” feeling.

Right, I have low self-esteem which makes me feel like I’m not good enough. Even though I’m successful in my career, active in the community, and have a good marriage and kids, I still have that lingering self-doubt.

Thanks, David, and you’re welcome. I was going to be a concert pianist but I ended up a management consultant. Over time I developed a similar attitude as yours about humans as complex and interesting. What has really helped me is to see each person as the center of the universe; i.e., his or her own universe. When we fail to acknowledge that we forgo the ability to get their attention. The ego never sleeps.

Julinda, in my view the issue is weak self-esteem, the quality that says, “I’m not (good) enough.” Do whatever you can to heal the wounds where that comes from, and then banish it from your vocabulary and your life. The work of Brene Brown is useful, at least as a starting point.