Comments on: Caught in the Cross Fire

By: Mary k Dunn

Mary k Dunn — Mon, 09 May 2016 00:08:26 +0000

Great advice Joseph! I love the adage….
We do not need to attend every argument we’re invited to!
In this case there was no invitation, so step out of the cross fire!
I have had similar circumstances in my family…..now because I remain quiet they asked ‘ well, what do you think?” I responded, “not my circus , not my monkeys, I’m just here to watch” they never asked me again!
When you don’t allow others to ‘team build’ using my opinion they ignore you.

By: Heidi Hoter

Heidi Hoter — Wed, 04 May 2016 22:08:56 +0000

Joseph:

Can you expound on the difference between providing ‘feedback’ and not trying to “fix things” or giving “help”. Even in the example, when the person says they can provide them their perspective, aren’t you really saying “I think I see what’s broken and I can tell you what that is”?

By: Peter Eastman

Peter Eastman — Wed, 04 May 2016 21:38:04 +0000

As usual, the VitalSmarts gives great – and difficult to do! – advice. I have an exact corollary experience.
My family was raised on sarcasm like mother’s milk. My wife has never cared for it, doesn’t find it the least funny, and doesn’t put up with it when the zingers come her way. One time, preparing for a Christmas morning visit where all the my family would be present, she let me know that if we started in on that behavior, she was going to go home.
We arrived, and before long, my brother, sister, father and I were zipping sarcasm arrows through the air at whatever target was there. After about an hour, someone asked, “Where’s your wife?” Apparently, driving home.
That is what it took for me to open my eyes into my own behavior. As long as she suffered in silence – or even suffered vocally after we left – I never realized how important this was to her. But when the only course left to her was to protest through her absence, she left Christmas with the family – something very important to her – to save her own self from our thoughtless abuse.
Since then, I have completely changed how I behave around my family – and it is interesting: as soon as I stopped shooting back, everyone came down several notches. Family time has been much more relaxed and less painful, and my wife can safely participate in the conversations.

By: Ravi Ravichandran

Ravi Ravichandran — Wed, 04 May 2016 19:53:17 +0000

Joseph:
Well worded advice. As a person in my mid-sixties, I can see what the father may be thinking. At the end, it is the fact that expectations are not met that makes everyone unhappy. The major problem is family relationships is the unwritten expectation of behaviour by others. So, your advice of making it clear by setting boundaries is in a way expressing what you expect and what you will do when those are not met.
Ravi

By: Alex Davila

Alex Davila — Wed, 04 May 2016 13:54:32 +0000

Thank you Joseph!
Awesome comments and recommendations! I believe many of us (certainly myself) sometimes feel stuck in the middle, precisely because lack of boundaries when it comes to family matters.
Alex

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 04 May 2016 12:40:29 +0000

I never ever insert my two cents into things I read online but felt compelled to this time in response to the sister whose sister stood her mother up for Mother’s Day to spend the entire day with some boyfriend’s mother instead. I am presuming Mom cares now; this is just a presumption on my part.

Neglecting your own mother on a special day like Mother’s Day to spend with someone else’s.. really?? I can think of nothing offhand more pain-inflicting than that; this is someone who (presumably) gave you life and raised you from infancy and has cared for and about you like no one else in the universe aside from God and this is the way you act? Absolutely disgusting.

Unless there is a compelling reason to tear your mother’s heart out this was absolutely the lowest thing someone could do; this is the type of destructive behavior that does irreparable damage to what should be one of a person’s most precious relationships in the whole world.. well done, JERK.

Maybe she’s too immature to understand now but hopefully she will someday; maybe it would take having kids of her own and it coming home to roost. Despicable.

(No, I don’t have kids/not married but love family and lived long enough to know you should not toss their feelings aside especially for outsiders/new/uncertain individuals who very well may desert you [with or without notice]; also not setting a very good precedent for any potential life together either sweetie.

I also don’t celebrate Mother’s Day for religious reasons but am commenting from a family value perspective only.)

Do what you want; just don’t expect things to be the same if you choose to be a selfish hateful little brat; maybe you can find someone else to cry to if your ‘relationship’ falls apart eventually.

I don’t believe in coddling people, as it doesn’t do anyone any good and everyone ends up hurt. Mom had a right to be treated with the LOVE and respect she deserved (not speaking from experience either though I’ve seen it; we treated our mom better than that). Despicable.