“That being said, it is a reasonable expectation that respect for adults (parents and teachers) be a NON-NEGOTIABLE element of the rules for all members of your household.” We should show respect to all people, not just adults!

After that, it’s important to remember that you are the parent. A significant part of your role is to create age appropriate standards of behavior and enforce these standards every day. It’s helpful to have regular discussions with both parents and the child about the rules and responsibilties (chores), and to allow the child some lattitude with both. As your child ages, the rules should become less restrictive and responsibilities should become more extensive. That being said, it is a reasonable expectation that respect for adults (parents and teachers) be a NON-NEGOTIABLE element of the rules for all members of your household. It is reasonable that an appropriate bed time be part of the rules for all kids under 18.

On the other hand, lots of other items should be negotiable, and you should teach your daughter to negotiate respectfully to achieve her goals. At 16, it is appropriate to incorporate explicit instruction about the steps in Crucial Conversations for creating open lines of communication with you! She may find your continuous examples of Crucial Conversation skills to be annoying, but you will know that you have achieved success when she begins to point out your transgressions and names them using the terms in the book. Don’t fight back. Apologize and then walk in the other room and pat yourself on the back for back for being a great parent! If you teach your child how to negotiate over rules and chores, then she will begin to understand “quid pro quo” (ie: I give something to get something).

It is easy for a parent looking back on life to get caught up in the importance of school, but there are dozens of behaviors that contribute to long-term success in school and life, that are within a parent’s locus of control. Teaching your child to succeed at home, right now can provide her with immediate self esteem and a sense of motion towards becoming a fully functioning adult. If you play your cards right, these behaviors may also serve to create an environment conducive to good grades and high aspirations.

After you establish ground rules of respect and fairness, then let the negotiations begin. It might go down something like this: Maybe she would negotiate for a one-night exception to the bedtime rule for the one show she likes best… not ALL of them. In return for this priviledge, you would expect some immediate behavior from her. You would not make it something ambiguous or something outside your immediate view like “do well in school” or “improve your attitude.” But you would pick something significant and observable at home (in your domain). For example, any healthy 16-year old could be expected to make all elements of a well-balanced meal for the whole family. You could specify a night before her favorite late show. No dinner, no show. If she doesn’t know how to find healthy recipes, cost out the dinner, shop for ingredients, time the cooking, use a meat thermometer, test pasta, steam vegetables, etc., then teach her. After a number of times doing the whole process together, she will become independent with a few meals, and she will feel like an adult TODAY, not six years from now – after she graduates from college. Everyone will reap the benefit of her tangible and possibly even tasty accomplishments while keeping the discussion going around the family hearth. She will be more likely to accept bedtime on every other day – making it possible to stay awake in school and get her good grades back.

Of course, there are dozens of other adult-like options that you and she could negotiate. Together, make a list of all skills and habits of mind that an independent adult should have. Work together to put them on a schedule, and make sure that you teach her every one before she turns 18. Heap on the praise for each accomplishment that is consistent with good healthy living. The more of these she achieves, the more likely she will be to succeed in life, not just school. School success will be the cherry on top. Best wishes to you and your family.

In my column I chose to focus on just one aspect of a complex situation. I hope the skills made sense, and that you’ll find ways to try them out.

Teenagers are really tough; I wish you all the best.