Comments on: Helping a Hoarder

By: amaxwell888

amaxwell888 — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 15:57:56 +0000

My cousin is quite a bit of a hoarder and I want to help her clean, but don’t really have the time or skills; I may just have to stick to the motivating part. I am looking into a professional company to help me get rid of a lot of her unnecessary things. Thanks for your comment to motivate your friend that’s a hoarder to let go of some of the things they truly don’t need. I like how you said that it’s important to give them a reason to stop this habit. http://www.redshaulingservice.com/hoarder-cleanup.php

By: bld

bld — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 14:16:33 +0000

i am coming into this conversation at a very late point, only having found this site in a moment of desperations. 37 years of marriage have found me in the same position for 33 of those years. Except I can pinpoint the time it began. My husbands parents both passed away within five months of our marriage, he had no siblings and soon after the hoarding started. I just thought he was getting messy, because he was not before, his parents home was clean altho decorated to where there was no space on any surface. So over the years it necessitated a move because our home was embarrassing, our children were embarrassed, and I still did not understand “Hoarding”, my view was that he just didn’t care, it was on purpose, etc. Over the years I have realized it isn’t jut a motivational issue, no matter how many times I helped him clean up, organize, it would return back to the same condition sometimes only a week later! …..We moved into a bigger home and he switched the manner in which he hoarded! His vehicle, his office, and our garage were almost beyond hope, until a child moved home temporarily and became furious, and cleaned and organized the garage. This hoarding has caused innumerable arguments over the years. However wee agreed to let his office and his truck be his problem, but recently my husband has been making his corner of the living room worse than its ever been. I explain its embarrassing when company and family come over, but he says people ‘know him’ and its no big deal. I have definitely seen signs of depression and OCD in his life, and although trying to make room for areas in which he needs counseling, i still feel upset and frustrated a lot of the time over having to deal with an ongoing issue that affects every area of his life, because what I have discovered over the years, at least for him, is –messy rooms, truck, etc. equals messy finances, strained friendships, and a perfectionism that has caused many things to not be finished. I love him but surely believe this will be an ongoing struggle, until the personal desire is so strong to heal, that he takes it upon himself to do it.

By: Minimalist.

Minimalist. — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 03:33:47 +0000

In reply to Karen.

Do we really need 8 boxes of macaroni noodles?? No!!! And places like Costco bulk buying don’t help! ….Hoarder dream Costco…..That’s a long time to live with one, think of your own Mental Health also, it’s so dang selfish!!!

By: Minimalist.

Minimalist. — Sat, 26 Mar 2016 03:30:42 +0000

Hoarding is a really chronic relapsing illness, Not seen many that beat it, I would leave myself. That or throw a match into it all, from insanity in the end, awful illness to have. I’m a minimalist…but i know someone who is like this, it sends me insane. It’s like they are married to the stuff, it fills a void of something else, a wardrobe is like a hit of heroin or a new cupboard. Not to mention it’s a huge fire hazard all this stuff. Live on your own, i know it sounds mean but leave the person, living with one would send me nuts.

By: Liz

Liz — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 00:53:07 +0000

In reply to Kerry Peppard. Me too. :(

By: Kerry Peppard

Kerry Peppard — Wed, 10 Jun 2015 15:35:29 +0000

In reply to Sharon G. you described my life to a T!!

By: Cora

Cora — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 18:17:48 +0000

In reply to Sharon G. My situation as same as you, you let me know I m not alone in this world, thank you.

By: Judi Grassi

Judi Grassi — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 12:14:30 +0000

I read your response to this woman, and I was okay up until you pointed out the lack of descresion on the drug addict. It is the same disease. As a coach and a mentor or people in recovery, people do learn by their limitations, that is correct, however you leave out an important fact. That when someone is dealing with a stressor, and they don’t have tools options before them they will revert back to the old ways. It is a hormonal response also that impresses how that growing to change is done. We are our Brothers Keepers not to do it for them, but to support them going forward. Helen Keller: her father supported her and Anne Sullivan trained her. She is a true inspiration to how this disease is battled. It’s daily, and over time there will be results. Learning to mind our own business’ is also an act of Love. Marriage has nothing to do with managing the disease. We all have a moment in our days where we do something against ourselves to the dismay to others. That’s Life!!
Coexisting is Love Patience and tolerance to those moments shows and enforces Love. If it doesn’t go our way, who are we? But if they are truly maing bad decisions that effect others outcomes we are those that love enough to assist them to people who know how to deal with these imbalances. It’s a hormonal imbalance, otherwise better known as diabetes. Death and perception of loss interupt these pathways and make memory on our brains, teaching us reaction. If we react with equal force we will be okay. If we over react we need help. It’s that simple, to get us back to same same reaction. Homeostasis.. There will be a stretch in elasticity of these stretches depends on how fast you recover. That’s instinctual for survival.
People went to war for the wrong reasons, manipulated for greed. However, sometimes it was for rights of the underdog. Keep that distinction as well.

By: Karen

Karen — Sun, 24 Nov 2013 17:57:50 +0000

I sympathize with you Kathy S. I’ve been married 37 years to a hoarder. It got really, really bad when he retired 10 years ago (and I didn’t) as he now has control of the house. I just spend more and more hours at my shop to avoid going home and living with the clutter. And yes, Sharon, mine can no longer throw anything away…the cut-off top from a bag of peanuts, used paper towels, receipts and more receipts (gas, groceries, drug store, whatever). Beer caps when he pops one goes from his pants pocket to the dresser top.

We had a garage sale; I wanted to donate the stuff that remained. No. He was going to have another one (this was 6 months ago). Junk still in the garage. I put an old stained chair out for the garbage pick-up. It came back into the garage.

I have thrown and donated stuff when I could get him out of the house for more than 6 hours. If he finds out, he’s furious at me.

To top it off, he’s a major cheapskate. He’s in charge of grocery shopping and won’t buy anything unless it’s on sale and then he goes overboard! Do we really need 8 boxes of macaroni noodles?? I’m actually trying to figure out how to financially separate us so I can leave.

My son’s wife of 2 years has never been to our house (he’s too embarrassed to bring her). The kids have volunteered to help get rid of the trash, but that would just direct their father’s anger at them. Better it’s me. It’s hard to undo a lifetime, but I’m about there. We no longer have any friends (never able to reciprocate invites); my life is work and sleep. Not how I want to spend my senior years. I’m almost 64.

By: Sharon G

Sharon G — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 17:23:39 +0000

In reply to Kathy s.

It’s sad, but kind of reassuring, to learn of your predicament Kathy s …… I am totally in the same boat! My husband is the most loving, kind, generous, funny and supportive man I have ever known. With a well respected job, he is the pillar of our community and everyone adores him. Our home has become like a storage unit and I am struggling to cope with the total chaos. He collects and hoards everything. I want to scream every time I hear the phrases “that’ll come in handy one day” or “A man can never have enough *” (insert any word here; ties, socks, shirts,books, tools, newspapers, jars, bits of wood, tools, sofas, DVDs,CDs, toothbrushes, deodorants, watches……. amongst other things he collects – yup, everything seems to work in that space!)
I am mortified if we have to let anyone into the house as I am sooooo embarrassed. I’ve spent more hours moving, what I would deem as useless things, from one room to another and back again over the years that I am physically and emotionally drained. Our house has become inhabitable. I can’t do a single thing without having to move lots of stuff first. His problem is so severe that he can not put anything in the rubbish. Not an old toilet roll tube or an empty packet…… he never empties anything to avoid throwing it away, a few crumbs in a crisp bag or a dribble of drink in a can or bottle.
I love him with all my heart and soul, like so many others he just can’t see there is a problem or just how much it effects us as a couple, our family and our friendships. I am at breaking point. We have the same doctor and he has gently suggested to my husband that he might benefit from counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy which made hubby laugh at the time but made his hoarding noticeably worse in the following few weeks!
My husband was a pack rat when I first met him and he did go along way to store a lot of his things when we set up home together but as the outs turned to years his hoarding has escalated. I guess I kidded myself that if he was happier in his mind it would get better. I have NEVER thrown anything out behind his back, or moaned or nagged as I realised long ago that being negative could make the situation even worse. The clutter is now all consuming, I am at the end of my tether and I can only see three possible outcomes. A. I somehow continue to live with this, which is having a direct and profound impact on my life,
B. He seeks professional help or C. I leave him.
I love him so much but I can’t cope any longer !