I attempted rekindling the relationship but with a tight leash on my own emotions. My father did terrible things that I will never forget and ended with another rift between us and another divorce for him.

Third time I tried having a relationship with him, he was on wife #5. This time when he started his manipulations and deliberate deceptions, I cut the ties. I felt I had to do this for my sanity. I realized that after all this time, this is who he was and no matter of help or assistance from me would change him and I could not live with who he was. It was just to painful. But it was my decision. Yes, I tried to talk to him and resolve issues, but he never saw any fault in his actions no matter how terrible.

My father died a few years ago and I was told that he died cursing me and denying me any knowledge of his illness or incumbent death. That was hard to deal with having made the decision I made.

It’s been several years now, and I am finally at peace with my decision and have forgiven him for all the hurt, rejection, and deception he put me through as a child into adulthood, but it wasn’t easy.

I pray that you can somehow come to terms with your father, as Joseph said. Whatever your decision, be ready to live with it and above all accept that you, too are human and your peace of mind matters above all else.

In the end, part of the solution in these cases is you, the child , taking some responsibility in the failed relationship in that we tend to be afraid to say what we think to our parents. We don’t get that our parents frequently would prefer we be open with them and tell them what we think.

Good point Peter. While opting out of a relationship with a family member you resent may be an option, often at work it is not. I worked for man that initially I absolutely detested because he was a crude rude bigot. He made Archie Bunker look liberal. Gradually over time after several crucial conversations based on his inappropriate behaviors he began to improve on how he treated me and others at work. He may still have held the same beliefs about people based on gender and race but the abhorrent behavior, especially toward me, lessen considerably. So instead of detesting him I came to pity him because it became obvious he was emotionally damaged, and would probably always have social interaction problems.

I wonder if she has had a non-confrontational talk with her dad to find out what his motives were. They may be good. Is mom enabling the brothers and does dad see it this way? Like Joseph said, we don’t have all the details.

Helping people process their emotions, define the actual outcome they want, and find the words to express those desires, is often really beyond the scope of what we are trained to do, but is often required to get through an event.

This is where I find the Crucial Conversation skills very valuable, getting people to think about their story, the other person’s story, creating a common purpose and how to create safe space for the other person.