Thirteen years later, I was struck with another. I was standing in a TSA security line in 2011 when I felt the sudden cumulative weight of three independent disasters. Two of my sons were incarcerated, my wife wasn’t sure she wanted to stay married to me, and a New York Times news article had just accused a nonprofit I chaired of impropriety. I felt like three legs of the table holding my up life had disappeared. I broke down and cried.

These are just a couple of personal experiences that have fueled my interest in researching crucial events.

My colleague in this research, Brian Wansink, was Godzilla-stomped by a crucial event seven years ago when he was accused of academic misconduct. For 30 years he worked as a bestselling author, professor, and USDA Executive Director, then he experienced total humiliation. He was shamed into nearly paralyzing numbness, and he was forced to resign from his dream calling as a Professor at Cornell and to disband his Food and Brand Lab.

Thirty-three years ago, my partners and I began to research crucial moments. We wondered if there were key moments in our careers and personal lives that disproportionately affect the outcomes we care about most. We also wondered if there were better ways to deal with these moments. Those studies led us to the insights contained in Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, and Crucial Influence.

I’ve recently felt a need to learn more about crucial events—times in our lives when we are hit with crushing surprises. The rude shock could come in the form of a public failure, job loss, natural disaster, divorce, illness, bankruptcy, betrayal, addiction or myriad other calamities. In our initial research, I was surprised to learn that we tend to experience a couple of these crises every decade of our lives. This means that during adulthood we are likely to face as many as a dozen crucial events. We’ve also found that the stakes for how we deal with these episodes could not be higher: study participants report that the worst consequences can last far beyond the pain of the initial event—sometimes for the rest of our lives.

But does it have to be that way? I invite you to join me in a study to help us answer this crucial question. Our small, initial study suggests that people dealing with crucial events experience widely different intensity and duration of negative consequences. We need to know why. We believe that answering this question could be of great value to all of us.

If this question seems important to you, and if you’d be willing to share some of your life experience—both good and bad—I welcome you to participate in the survey below. As you’d expect, the questions prompt you to explore some emotionally difficult moments. If that is too uncomfortable for you, I encourage you not to participate. I’ll also note that you need not have triumphed over the crucial event to participate. In fact, we can’t learn if we don’t hear about some consequences that have lingered painfully and some that have remarkably healed. Please make the choice that’s best for you. And, if you get started and change your mind, you can always exit the survey.

Since the study is exploring a profound question, we have broken it into two parts. We are asking you to complete just one of the two parts. One part will ask you questions about crucial events you’ve experienced, and it mainly involves checking boxes and provide short answers. It should take about 15 minutes to complete. The other part asks you to share details about your most traumatic crucial event. It is called a Story Collector, and we will ask 12 guiding questions about your crucial event, like how it affected you, what advice you would give others in a similar situation, and so forth. It could take 15-30 minutes depending on how much detail you provide.

BEGIN SURVEY

Whether you choose to engage or not, I look forward to sharing anything we learn that could be of value to both you and me. It appears that no one makes it through life without a crisis. My hope is that this effort allows us to share our collective wisdom in a way that accelerates healing for many.

Warmly,
Joseph Grenny

The post What Have You Learned from Your Crucial Events? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

During the first five months of the Covid pandemic, DEI jobs grew by 123 percent, even though millions of jobs were lost around the country. In addition, the DEI function—typically housed in the human resources department—is becoming a core business function with a chief diversity officer who reports directly to the executive team.

Unfortunately, the millions of hours and billions of dollars spent on DEI training have not produced overwhelming results. A growing number of critics and anecdotal evidence suggest that:

• DEI training often categorizes people based on immutable characteristics rather than emphasize new attitudes and behaviors at work.
• The tools, resources, and mentoring needed to produce lasting change are often lacking following DEI training programs.
• The results of DEI training are often short lived since attitudes, behaviors, and corporate cultures are difficult to change.

It is not surprising that such a laudable effort is struggling to produce results. It takes time to cultivate great outcomes in organizations.

Here is the challenge: while some organizational changes can improve diversity and equity, the kind of inclusivity we seek cannot be mandated or enforced. Candice Bristow, a director of equity, inclusion, and diversity for a tech company, says, “No matter how diverse your team is, your DEI efforts will fail if you don’t provide equitable programs and inclusive environments.”

What’s required is genuine civility, and that means we must internalize civil values and practice civil behaviors. We need an inside-out approach that involves learning how to think, speak, and act civilly. Principles and skills from Crucial Conversations help us follow this inside-out approach, and my own studies further suggest that civility is an inside-out job.

I have spent many years searching for proven principles that can improve our relationships and promote greater civility in organizations. I have scoured the original texts of our great religious founders, the writings of world-renowned philosophers, and recent research in the field of positive psychology.

This quest has led me to identify six principles that produce positive results in real time. If we apply one or more of them today, we will experience more civil relationships today. If we continue to apply them over time, they become part of our character.

I expand on these principles with research and examples in my new book, One People One Planet: Six Universal Truths for Being Happy Together. Three of these principles are highly relevant to the kinds of Crucial Conversations people face in organizations: refrain from judging others, do good deeds daily, and forgive each other of our offenses.

Refrain from Judging Others

We construct images of other people based on rather superficial cues: color, race, nationality, physical features, education, place of residence, and so on. The problem is our perceptions are always incomplete, often inaccurate, and sometimes dead wrong. Our limited perceptions result in biases, and they in turn can lead to alienation, divisions between groups, and tension in organizations.

Challenging our tendency to judge leads to more satisfying relationships and greater happiness, and this can only happen if we address both thinking and behavior. Here are some examples of how we might think, speak, and act to reduce our tendency to judge others at work.

Positive Thoughts

• My perceptions of others are not always accurate.
• Everyone in this organization can contribute something of value.
• We are all more alike than we are different.

Positive Speech

• “I need to get to know him better.”
• “I need to understand why she is doing this.”
• “He has a lot of good qualities we should support.”

Positive Actions

• Go to lunch with someone you may not like.
• Have a conversation about your backgrounds.
• Talk through issues that are impacting your work.

You may find this principle similar to Master My Stories as taught in Crucial Conversations. When we recognize that our judgments and stories are limited, we open ourselves up to different perspectives. Refraining from judging allows us to be more inclusive of others and their viewpoints.

Do Good Deeds Daily

As we refrain from judging others, we are less likely to get caught up in petty or negative emotions and behaviors, and we are more inclined to do good in our organizations.

Good deeds obviously benefit others, but they also benefit us. Numerous studies show that serving others can significantly improve our emotional health, physical health, and satisfaction in relationships. In addition, doing good deeds helps us realize we are of value and have something to contribute, which increases our feelings of self-worth. Here is the inside-out process for developing this quality of doing good deeds daily.

Positive Thoughts

• How can I use my skills to contribute to the goals of my organization?
• Do any of my colleagues need my help?
• I will look for opportunities to contribute.

Positive Speech

• “How are things going for you today?”
• “Is there anything I can do for you?”
• “Let’s see if we can help this new team member.”

Positive Actions

• Give a welcome gift to a new employee.
• Mentor a team member who needs your expertise.
• Call and visit someone who is struggling.

A related principle from Crucial Conversations is Start with Heart. Start with Heart teaches us to focus on what we want long-term for ourselves, for others, and for our relationships. When we focus on the long-term health of our relationships and the good we can contribute daily, we foster greater equity in our communities and organizations.

Forgive Each Other of Our Offenses

The more relationships we develop in life, the more likely we are to offend and be offended by others. Making mistakes is a normal part of our human experience. Holding grudges or resentments against people who offend us, however, only hurts us.

Forgiveness is vital to healing ourselves emotionally and increasing civil behavior in our organizations. In time, we can learn to not take offense in the first place. Here are examples of the inside-out process for learning to forgive.

Positive Thoughts

• Am I holding grudges against anyone at work?
• What can I do to make this situation better?
• I truly want to let go of these negative feelings.

Positive Speech

• “She is still learning and can overcome this behavior.”
• “I don’t think he’s actually aware of what he is doing.”
• “I know he can change this behavior in the future.”

Positive Actions

• Forgive a boss who has offended you at work.
• Forgive a colleague who has hurt your feelings.
• Forgive yourself for a past mistake you have made.

This principle also relates to Master My Stories. When offended or irritated, we can ask ourselves, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?” This question can help us forgive offenses or realize none was intended in the first place.

We can create diverse, equitable, and inclusive organizations if we learn civil values and practice civil behaviors. Changing our thoughts, speech, and actions will produce better results than efforts to mandate outcomes alone. Teaching civil values and behaviors is the next step beyond DEI.

You can learn more about the research and application of these principles and others in One People One Planet: Six Universal Truths for Being Happy Together.

If you have comments or questions, please share them below.

The post Beyond DEI: The Next Step to Civility appeared first on Crucial Learning.

The first thing that degrades in a Crucial Conversation isn’t our behavior but our motives. We can quickly go from wanting to learn and understand to wanting to win, be right, and defend ourselves—and usually we don’t even notice it. Eventually, what we are thinking, feeling, and wanting will impact the conversation.

In other words, motives influence behavior. Get your motives right, better dialogue will follow.

How Do I Start with Heart?

To Start with Heart, you’ll want to do three things:

1. Get clear on what your motives are.
2. Improve them if necessary.
3. Make sure others understand them.

As already mentioned, our motives deteriorate before our behavior does, and in crucial moments we often don’t notice this.

The other challenge is that others can often misinterpret our motives when stakes are high and opinions vary. For example, they may wonder whether we cared more about looking good than finding solutions. Or it may appear as though we wanted to punish our team rather than help them. Once you’ve established good intent it’s important to convey it.

Thus, Start with Heart means to address your motives first, and then make sure they’re visible to others. Here’s how.

Work on Me First, Us Second

The first step is to stop believing that others are the source of all our problems. It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress.

Those who are best at dialogue turn this logic around. They believe that the best way to work on “us” is to work on “me.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that the only one they can influence anyway is themselves.

This insight brings with it true personal power. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.

So, step one is to recognize that you are the solution to any conversational challenge you face.

Focus on What You Really Want

The next step is to become aware of the motive that’s possessing you. This is harder than it might seem. When a conversation turns crucial, our mind and emotions can often get hijacked and we resort to silence or verbal violence. It’s not easy to be self-aware in such moments. So, what can you do?

Look for clues. You can discern your motives from the outside in by asking yourself a few questions. Step away from the interaction and look at yourself as an observer would, then ask yourself “What does it look like I want?” Or “What am I acting like I want?”

As you try to discover your motive, you might conclude: “Let’s see, I’m cutting people off, overstating my points, shaking my head at others’ comments. Yep! I’ve gone from trying to launch this product to trying to win an argument.”

Once you acknowledge the desires of your heart, you can begin to change them. And you can do that by asking yourself “What do I really want?”

• What do I really want for myself?
• What I really want for others?
• What do I really want for the relationship?

These questions help you focus on long-term, healthy outcomes, rather than short-term, self-serving outcomes.

Once you’re free of the short-term motive to win, be right, save face, punish others, build a reputation, or any of those other motives that can possess us in crucial moments, healthy answers will come to you. “What I really want is to develop a great product and a great team.”

Finally, ask yourself this: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” See the next steps.

Refuse the Fool’s Choice

You’ll know your heart is beginning to change and that you can begin to dialogue when you seek an inclusive solution rather than exclusive one.

When faced with Crucial Conversations, we tend to delve into either-or thinking. We believe we can either seek our interests or theirs, but not both. We assume we can either be honest and offend our friend, or keep our mouths shut and preserve a relationship.

So, we either fight for own viewpoint or interests, or we withdraw our voice and sacrifice our interests to “keep the peace.”

The problem is these tactics don’t preserve relationships or keep the peace, and they don’t generate the best results.

They’re all examples of the Fool’s Choice—the thinking that there’s one solution to a challenge.

Those who are best at dialogue refuse the Fool’s Choice by setting up new choices. They present themselves with tougher questions that turn either-or thinking into a search for the all-important “and.”

The questions outlined above will help you find inclusive solutions. Notice that they put you in a position to think about what you want for yourself and for others. “What do I want for myself and the relationship?”

When you face Crucial Conversations, think about the problem more fully by bringing and into the equation. “How can I help this project move forward quickly and get everyone’s input?” “How can I convey to my partner that I don’t want to spend Christmas with his family and I love him deeply?”

Share Your Good Intent

Once your heart is in a good place, it’s time to share your good intent. Whether you’re resuming a Crucial Conversation after correcting course or just entering one, sharing your good motives can put others at ease in a high-stakes situation.

But let’s be clear: sharing good intent does not mean flattery. Don’t sandwich an honest opinion between dishonest compliments. Instead, make it clear to the other person that you care about their interests.

Sharing good intent might sound like this:

• “I’m really struggling with how you discipline the children, but I also don’t think we should raise them “my” way. We’re in this together, and I want to find ways of rearing them together. Can we talk about it from that angle?
  
  
• “I know we have different ideas of what will make this project successful, but I want you to know I respect your viewpoint and I want to better understand it. Maybe we can find a way to achieve what we both want. Can we back up a little bit and talk through our ideas again?”
  
  
• “I don’t share your opinion on the upcoming election, but I also don’t want to argue about it. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I think the topic is fascinating and it’s clear that you do too, so if we talk about it, I’d want to focus on respecting each other and trying to better understand each other’s viewpoint. What do you think?”

Start with Heart in Summary

Success in Crucial Conversations starts with YOU. And it starts with heart. Remember to first look inward to establish good intent, and then verbally share your good intent. Only then can you begin to dialogue and get better results in crucial moments.

Want to learn more effective communication skills? Subscribe to Crucial Skills and get posts like this in your inbox every Wednesday.

The post Crucial Conversations Skill Summary: Start with Heart appeared first on Crucial Learning.

So how do you make it safe? Let’s explore how you can create a safe environment, so you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything.

What Makes a Conversation Safe

Make it your goal when faced with a Crucial Conversation to create safety. Remember, human beings are wired to look for threats. When people feel threatened, they move to silence or verbal violence, flight or fight, neither of which are great for problem-solving.

All you need to do to destroy safety in a Crucial Conversation is nothing.

During the first tense seconds of the beginning of a conversation, others are scanning your every facial tick or leg crossing for evidence of your intentions. Do you mean them harm? Are you out to get them? Your job is to generate evidence that you aren’t.

Two Conditions of Safety

In order for people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that:

1. You care about their concerns. (Mutual Purpose)
2. You care about them. (Mutual Respect)

When both of these come together then people feel safe enough to hear you; they feel safe enough to dialogue.

Dealing with Defensiveness

After you’ve presented your case regarding an issue you’d like to discuss, you sometimes may hear the other party respond with a defensive phrase. Such as, “Are you implying that I’m not doing enough?” or “Hey, you don’t meet your deadlines either.” Or they may not even feel like expressing their take at all and just shrug it off.

It’s easy to look at a defensive reaction as evidence that someone can’t take the truth, but we know that’s not true. People don’t become defensive because of what you’re saying; they become defensive because of why they think you’re saying it. It’s not your message that erodes safety and creates defensiveness; it’s their perception of your intent.

Sharing your good intent up front lays the foundation for a safe conversation, but it doesn’t guarantee it. You need to continue to watch for and build safety throughout the conversation.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding

Safety can often break down in a conversation due to simple misunderstandings. Even when you have good intentions for the conversation, the other person may feel that you don’t.

So how do we address situations where there’s a space between what our intent is and what the other person perceives our intent to be? You can rebuild safety by temporarily stepping out of the topic being discussed and using a skill called contrasting.

Contrasting is a don’t/do statement. In short, when getting into a crucial conversation, you can temporarily pause the conversation and clearly explain what you don’t intend for the conversation and then clarify what you do intend for the conversation. You don’t necessarily need to use the words, ‘Don’t’ and ‘Do’ you just need to clearly convey to the other party your intentions.

For example, a contrasting statement may look something like this in a conversation:

Don’t Statement: “I’m not looking to blame anyone for what happened with our last project.”

Do Statement: “I just want to find out how we can identify challenges before they become problems.”

If you find that the conversation has begun to turn defensive or their appears to be a misunderstanding, you can always use these skills to take a step back to make the conversation safe again. Express your intentions for the conversation by contrasting, and let them know you care about their concerns and you care about them. After all, safety is about intent not content.

BASED ON THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, 3rd Edition

We invite you to learn more about ‘Make it Safe’ and other Crucial Conversations skills so you can communicate better when it matters most. Download your course overview and see how you can bring interactive training to your organization in person, virtually, or on demand.

The post Crucial Conversations Skill Summary: Make It Safe appeared first on Crucial Learning.

A “story” is our rationale for what’s going on and our own interpretation of facts. To Master My Stories means to take control of our stories so they don’t take control of us. It is the key to preventing strong emotions from taking control of a Crucial Conversation.

The Path to Action Model demonstrates the steps we take in telling ourselves these stories.

For example, here’s what you see and hear. You’re working on a report and your manager checks up on you three times in one hour, offering suggestions.

What’s the story we tell ourselves? Perhaps it might be “My manager is questioning my capabilities.” Or maybe, “my manager doesn’t trust me to complete this task on my own.”

How would this make you feel? Naturally, this story might generate feelings of being hurt or defensive, which could then lead to frustration or anger.

So how does this affect your actions? You might hold a grudge and disregard your manager’s suggestions.

However, when using your other Crucial Conversations skills, you find that your manager is checking in with you because they have a lot of experience building this type of report and just wanted to be helpful. No questioning of capabilities, no lack of trust, just one colleague helping another. In other words, the story you told yourself was completely false.

We all have the tendency to tell ourselves stories. We try to figure out a motive, we judge, and those judgments lead to feelings that drive our actions. We sometimes do all of this so quickly that we don’t even realize it, and in doing so we become our own worst enemy.

Three Clever Stories We Tell Ourselves

Have you ever told a story and left out key details to the listeners? We do this because clever stories may get us off the hook, or because we want to be seen as the hero or the victim. Clever stories conveniently leave out pertinent information and make the story suit our needs.

We also tell clever stories to ourselves in our path to action, and these There are three clever stories we tell ourselves to help us feel good about doing things that ruin our relationships and results. The best way you can combat these stories is to tell the rest of the story.

1. Victim Stories: “It’s not my fault.”

We tell ourselves we are not contributing to the problem.

For example, you forget to complete and important task for the boss who just returned from a business trip and react by saying, “I didn’t have the help or time that I needed to complete the project on time.” You are telling yourself that you are being punished for the company’s lack of resources and talent.

Tell the Rest of the Story: Turn yourself from a victim into a contributor. Ask yourself: What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?

2. Villain Stories: “It’s your fault.”

These stories overemphasize others’ nasty qualities or perceived incompetence and are often accompanied with labeling.

For example, we may find ourselves saying, “Of course I yelled at him. Didn’t you see what he did? He deserved it.” When we turn human beings into villains, we feel justified in insulting or abusing them.

Tell the Rest of the Story: Turn others from villains into humans. Ask yourself: Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?

3. Helpless Stories: “There’s nothing I can do.”

Here we convince ourselves that there are no healthy options for taking action and we can’t change our situation.

For example, you find yourself talking with a colleague about an idea for a new operations process but say, “If I presented this to the leaders they would probably just get defensive like they always do—I’m not going to say anything!” Or on the flip side, “If I didn’t yell, then the work wouldn’t get done. What choice do I have!”

Tell the Rest of the Story: Turn yourself from helpless to able. Ask yourself: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

Challenging our stories with questions allows us to uncover important information so that our stories better represent reality, and this helps us engage in better dialogue when we find ourselves in a Crucial Conversation.

Based on decades of research and the New York Times bestseller.

We invite you to learn more about Master My Stories and other Crucial Conversations dialogue skills to help communicate better when it matters most. Download your course overview or watch a master trainer preview of the course to see how you can bring interactive training to your organization in-person, virtually, or on-demand.

The post Crucial Conversations Skill Summary: Master My Stories appeared first on Crucial Learning.

For the most part, working with Emily in this new way was a joy. She relentlessly examines herself for ways she can become a better person. I have watched her for twenty years hold others accountable, examine and improve her own habits, and learn to influence our ever-growing employee population.

But if you want a voyeuristic peek into our writing experience together, I’d have to acknowledge there was at least one Crucial Conversation. With permission from Emily, I’ll share my side of the story to demonstrate that these skills are not just a professional interest for Emily and me, for our work is intensely personal.

When we set up a writing schedule a year ago, all was going along swimmingly until a few months in when Emily started missing deadlines. Not only did she miss a couple of commitments to get chapters turned around to me, she also became difficult to communicate with. I emailed. Then I texted. Then I called. I’d either get no response, or a vague apology and commitment to get it done. It was clear something was going on.

Now if you’re a student of Crucial Conversations, you’ll appreciate how I had to draw on every single skill we teach to respond to this situation. First, I had to work consciously to Master My Story. I’ve got my own life wounds that incline me in moments like this to feel disrespected or picked on. I acknowledge the temptation to tell this story and exerted effort to hold it tentatively while opening myself to other possible explanations. It was easy to remind myself that this was NOT Emily. Something else was going on.

Second, I recognized the need to Unbundle with CPR. I was repeatedly holding Content conversations (about missed deadlines) when it was clear this was a Pattern issue. So, I reached out to Emily and asked to schedule time together to examine the pattern.

Third, I did my best to State My Path. Rather than coming in blaming or with judgments, I simply described what had been happening for a couple of months and tried to Make It Safe for her to tell me what was really going on.

And she did. She owned what was going on and shared how intimidating it was to write for the first time in this way, and in a book that had already sold millions of copies. She was vulnerable, human, and responsible. Just like the Emily I’ve always known. She also shared, without using it as an excuse, how overwhelming her schedule was in the midst of product launches, COVID challenges, and the rest of life.

We then had a very honest problem-solving discussion. I offered to release her from her commitment to co-author the new edition. She was grateful to know there would be no shame in backing out. And she expressed determination to face her demons and keep her commitments. We made new agreements that were satisfactory to both of us. Then the chapters began to flow. Each time I received one from her I realized how inadequate the previous version was without her voice, her life experience, and her masterful teaching. I began to feel impatient for the release of the new edition which would not be what it is if it weren’t for this crucial moment between me and Emily. I am grateful for a co-author who practices what she preaches and for a colleague who dug deep to make this book a powerful gift for generations to come.

In our rewrite, we wanted to better reflect the complex interpersonal realities that people face in today’s world. We see the third edition as an evolutionary adaptation of the skills and principles, with an emphasis on current examples and applications. The changes include the following:

A Case for Crucial Conversations

We’ve updated the first chapter with a refined and powerful case for dialogue. We’ve always known dialogue was foundational to success, but our work over the last twenty years has shown us that it’s also essential. Ultimately, the health of any organization, team, or relationship is a function of the lag time between identifying a problem and discussing it—the time in which it takes someone to speak up with candor and respect.

New Tips and Scripts

We’ve added advice for tough cases where people commonly and frequently find themselves at a loss for what to say and how to say it.

How to Respond

Sometimes we start a Crucial Conversation, and sometimes we are surprised by one. We’ve written a new chapter that explores the principles of dialogue through the lens of response rather than initiation.

Contemporary Examples and Diverse Representation

The examples, stories, and scenarios taught in Crucial Conversations are meant to demonstrate the skills so people learn how to apply them in their own lives. And yet if those examples don’t resonate with a person’s lived experience, they become unrelatable and unhelpful. So, we’ve updated the examples and scenarios to better reflect the diverse world we live in and speak to a diversity of lived experience. You’ll find in this new edition greater representation of race, age, ability and background; examples of dialogue in virtual environments; updated research and case studies; and reference to current cultural events and trends.

The third edition is available now at Amazon and everywhere books are sold. And watch for the audio version, which will be available December 7th.

Finally, visit our Facebook page and enter to win a free copy by sharing how Crucial Conversations has improved or could improve your life!

The post Writing the Third Edition of Crucial Conversations: Behind the Scenes appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Over the years, some people have expressed valid concern with the term violence. In response to their input, we now use the term “verbal violence” to differentiate it from physical violence. But why, you might wonder, do we keep using the term violence at all?

Two reasons.

First, we believe that words have the power to inflict harm. At the extreme, those who have suffered verbal and emotional abuse or harassment know how damaging and debilitating words can be. Words have the power to shape how we think and feel about ourselves, others, and our relationships. That power can be wielded in destructive and damaging ways. We use the term verbal violence because we believe words have power to cause real harm.

Second, we believe that words have the power to incite. At times, words can be used to incite physical violence, and physical violence is almost always preceded by verbal violence. Our term recognizes the capacity of language to be harmful when used inappropriately, and to become physically harmful if not corrected.

Our intention in using the term verbal violence is not to diminish the devastating impact of physical violence. Rather, we want to acknowledge and spark conversation about verbal and other non-physical harassment and abuse as forms of violence against people.

The post Why the Term “Verbal Violence”? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

This week is especially significant for everyone associated with our organization. This is the week we become Crucial Learning.

I’m not a company spokesperson. I typically don’t participate in interviews or star in our videos. I’m much more comfortable in the background. But this week I feel compelled to share the story of Crucial Learning’s origin. I understand this is not what we traditionally publish in our newsletter and blog. So, if you’re missing the usual Q&A, rest assured we’ll resume our regular programming soon.

For more than three decades we have operated as a corporate training firm that helps people and organizations achieve important goals using the skills taught in our courses and bestselling books. We are proud of our history as VitalSmarts. And we believe there’s much more yet to do.

We live in an increasingly complex and challenging world. Today, the simple, time-tested skills we teach are more important, relevant, and vital than ever. They offer solutions to some of the world’s toughest problems and a pathway to increased personal happiness and fulfillment for countless individuals.

For example, over the years I’ve watched people repair marriages, resolve longtime family feuds, reunite with estranged friends, and save their careers. I’ve heard countless stories of people who are now happier and more self-assured because they’ve learned to apply the skills we teach in our books and courses.

We refer to these skills as crucial skills because they have a disproportionate impact on the results we all care about most. From salvaged relationships and careers to feeling less stressed and more fulfilled to cultivating a deeper connection with those you love, the skills we teach help people become better versions of themselves.

Combine outcomes like that with fantastic people to work with day in and day out, and you can see why I was initially drawn to the organization and why I’m still here.

Historically, we have primarily taught crucial skills to employees via their employers. We have certified more than 15,000 facilitators at organizations around the globe who have gone on to teach our courses to millions worldwide. This model has sustained our business for many years, and we plan to continue offering courses this way.

We also have a vision for a greater contribution—to share our crucial skills more broadly and do more good in the world. As we reviewed our business model, we realized our courses were somewhat exclusive, accessible primarily only through an employer. What about individual learners? What about the self-employed and the entrepreneurs, students, artists, stay-at-home moms, and retirees? Can’t they also benefit from learning crucial skills and the results that follow?

So while our new name and brand are both fun and exciting, they also represent a fundamental shift in our direction as an organization—the start of something new and important.

In our evolution from VitalSmarts to Crucial Learning, we will move beyond training to inspire learning. We’ve moved beyond the walls of the corporate conference room to create experiences for anyone and everyone, learning experiences that are more accessible, flexible, and inclusive. What we really want to do with our time and resources is contribute to a world where every human being can be great at being human.

We thank our clients and partners for your past support of our vision and mission. We appreciate and admire your loyalty, and we offer the same in return—we’re here to support your goals. Our flagship courses you know and love, Crucial Conversations and its companion Crucial Accountability, have been given new names, a refreshed look, updated content, and are now offered in more flexible learning options. There’s simply more to love.

At Crucial Learning, we believe learning and growth do not end with a single course or even an advanced degree. Life itself is a continuous learning journey—one we all travel together. I invite you to join us on the next leg of our journey as Crucial Learning.

To learn more about our new brand and refreshed courses, visit cruciallearning.com/launch.

The post VitalSmarts is Now Crucial Learning appeared first on Crucial Learning.

If you are interested in learning how you can improve your communication skills, implement these nine tips in your interactions with others. They’re easy to start practicing today, and they’ll bring immediate, positive results.

Actively Listen

If you’re nervous about talking, it’s easy to think compulsively about what you’re going to say next. But if you’re so focused on your own ideas and the next great thing you’re going to share, you’ll miss out on what others are trying to say, even as they are speaking directly to you. Research shows that most people only listen at about 25% efficiency.

Rather than worrying about what you’re going to say next, practice active listening. Active listening is when you’re present in the conversation, and you strive to understand the message that is being shared with you, not just the words.

Focusing on listening first can lead to some dead air and silence during a conversation, and that’s okay. Silence can be a good thing. It shows that you heard what someone was saying, you’re seriously thinking about it, and you’re mindful enough to respond with intention rather than throwing out whatever quickly comes to mind.

Ask Questions

A key part of communication is sharing ideas back and forth with your audience, not just lecturing them. To make a mediocre conversation amazing, get the other person involved. The easiest way to do this is by asking good questions.

While there are no such things as bad questions, some questions are better than others. Yes/no questions lead to flat conversations. Questions like, “Do you have any questions?” will almost always be answered with a simple “No,” and can create an awkward pause.

By changing your yes/no questions into who, what, where, when, why, and how questions, you empower your audience to participate fully in the conversation. For example, you can change the question above to “What questions do you have?” which prompts people to respond with more than a single word.

Be Aware of Your Body Language

What your body says is just as important as your words say. Nonverbal communication is what your facial expressions, body posture, position, and movement are telling your audience. Researchers might disagree about just how much meaning is conveyed through your body, but most agree that nonverbal communication speaks much louder than anything you say.

Simple awareness of your body language is a great first step. Don’t obsess over every movement you make. For example, you can take note of your posture and make a quick adjustment if necessary.

Learning to control your body language isn’t about silencing it completely; it’s about communicating the message you want to send (and diminishing the ways your body might distort that message). Good communicators know how to use their body language for great effect.

Re-read and Edit

Writing is a wonderful communication tool because you have more time to craft and control your message. Unlike when you’re speaking to someone, writing gives you the time to go back and make improvements to your message when needed.

Whether it’s an email or a letter, no one makes a perfect first draft, so get into the habit of proofreading before you click send. This will save you from embarrassing typos and errors, but it also enables you to create a complete, concise message.

One easy tip to improve your writing is to read what you wrote out loud. Pay attention to where you stumble or correct yourself—those are the points that need a little more work. Your ear knows how language is supposed to sound, so use it to help improve your communication skills.

Focus on What Matters

Avoid rambling, long-winded, or undirected communications. If you’re aiming for creating effective dialogue, do not waste your time opening with small talk, a short comedy routine, or any other topic. Get to the point of what you want to talk about.

If you are leading a conversation and it starts to get away from you, gently guide the dialogue back to the original topic. Conversations can easily be derailed when participants hold their own agendas and emotions are high. But to successfully address the issue, it’s crucial to stay on topic.

If the secondary topic keeps coming back, be clear about the reason for the dialogue and why it’s important to stay on topic. You can offer to talk about the other topic at a different time when you will be able to give it the attention it deserves.

Pick the Right Tool for the Job

No one likes sitting through a meeting that could have been an email. Choosing the right communication tool for the job is an essential part of learning how to improve your communication skills.

Consider the message you’re sharing and how you want to interact with your audience. One-sided monologues work great as an email, but if you want to interact with your audience, opt for in-person communication. There’s a time and place for a formal meeting, phone call, message, email, text, thoughtful note, or even poking your head into a person’s office for a quick chat, and it’s important to know when to use each one.

By picking the right tool for the job, you can gain respect and trust from your co-workers because you are being mindful of their time. The conversations you do have will be much more focused, productive, and meaningful.

Create a Safe Place

If people do not feel safe sharing their ideas or viewpoints, they will never speak up and share their truth. A great place to start with respect is by considering others’ perspectives and trying to understand what they are saying with empathy.

If you do run into conflicts or differing opinions, focus on rebuilding safety within the dialogue. You can do this by finding and cultivating a mutual purpose. This will help you have a respectful and positive conversation, even when you don’t agree on everything.

Don’t Overly Rely on Visual Aids

Some of the largest companies have abandoned slide decks and visual aids. When you’re uncomfortable with speaking or writing, it’s easy to lean on visual messages. However, it usually ends up distracting both you and your audience from the conversation.

There are times where visual aids can be helpful. In these cases, remember they should enhance your message, not carry it. Don’t use visual aids as a script that you read directly from—your audience will retain less information if you do.

Avoid Emojis

In texts to friends or informal messages, it can be fun to sprinkle in emojis, but they should never show up in professional written communication. Emojis don’t make a good first impression, and instead of lightening the mood, you could, unfortunately, damage your reputation and appear uneducated or incompetent at your job.

Learn How to Transform Debates into Meaningful Dialogues

These nine tips work great for improving your day-to-day workplace communication skills, but what about Crucial Conversations? How can you prepare for sensitive topics where emotions are high?

For the last 30 years, we have studied the communication skills of top performers. We’ve found that day-to-day, top performers communicate just like everyone else. But in crucial moments – when the stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run strong – top performers are masters at achieving candid and respectful dialogue. And the good news is these top performers demonstrate learnable and replicable skills for masterfully holding Crucial Conversations. Our goal is to give you these same tools and confidence so you can transform heated arguments into meaningful dialogue.

Our Crucial Conversations course covers eight crucial skills grounded in decades of social science research to create lasting improvement. We help you improve equity and inclusion, streamline decision-making, and bolster engagement and teamwork. With over one million people trained worldwide, we know that Crucial Conversations can help you take the next step in creating cultures of candid and effective communication.

The post 9 Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills appeared first on Crucial Learning.

1. No matter what your manager is trying to tell you, it sounds either sarcastic or condescending. You feel like nothing you do is ever right, and you’re wondering if he even wants you on his team.
2. Any time your team lead wants you to do something, they phrase it as a question. However, you know that they want a certain yes-or-no answer, so it’s not really a question as much as it’s a demand.
3. The vice president pulls you aside and tells you to stop being disrespectful to him. When you ask what you did that was disrespectful, he refuses to give any concrete examples, only vague notions.
4. Your coworker avoids face-to-face conversations and never answers your calls or responds to your emails. She’s basically ghosting you, and you’re not sure why.
5. You feel intimidated by your boss because he uses a loud, commanding voice while standing too close for comfort.
6. You’ve found yourself having to repeat everything you just said because a team member is always distracted. Or, you have to give constant reminders about something because your team member is so forgetful.
7. You are assigned a task, but have no idea how to go about completing it, let alone how to complete it in a way that’s appropriate. That’s because no one told you what they actually expect or want as an outcome.
8. You feel rushed when trying to talk to your manager about a concern. They are always either in a hurry or uninterested in what you have to say, so you don’t have a chance to explain yourself fully.
9. Nothing your supervisor does is right. When a project is late or details are missed, it’s all her fault. You’re the one carrying the weight, and no one else is pulling their part.

Chances are, you or your team members have experienced a few of these scenarios at work. As frustrating as they can be, all hope is not lost. That’s because the root cause of all these issues is ineffective workplace communication.
Having effective communication at work is not about everyone saying what’s really on their mind, but about solving many of these types of negative situations that happen in every organization, at every level. You may be surprised at how incredibly effective having simple, good workplace communication skills are at reducing tension and producing better work.

That’s why Crucial Learning—a Top 20 Leadership Training Company—wants your organization to learn what effective communication is, why effective communication is essential, and how to improve effective communication in the workplace.

What Is Effective Communication?

Effective communication provides a purpose, avoids confusion, creates accountability, and builds a positive company culture. It defines cooperative goals, aids in collaboration, and encourages a committed and productive workforce and environment.

To accomplish these things, effective communication is used:

• Both formally and informally
• Through verbal and nonverbal means
• To speak/listen and write/comprehend
• For conveying and receiving accurate information

What Effective Communication Isn’t

From the scenarios in the introduction, you can get a good idea about what effective communication isn’t.

Good, effective communication is not:

• Sarcastic, condescending, or berating
• Unclear about what is wanted or needed
• Saying what you don’t mean
• Vague or overgeneralizing
• Avoidant, ignorant, or unresponsive
• Only giving negative feedback
• Unsympathetic, disrespectful, or intimidating
• Being distracted or not listening
• Blaming others or failing to own mistakes

It’s clearly best to cultivate effective communication in any organization. Unfortunately, poorly modeled behavior and bad habits can cause the worst in people to come out.

The 7 Cs of Effective Communication in the Workplace

To have effective communication each time you speak, strive to follow the seven Cs:

1. Be Clear: Use an active voice to state your goal or purpose.
2. Be Coherent: Make sure your statements are logical and flow well.
3. Be Committed: Doing so will demonstrate dedication and lends a positive impact.
4. Be Complete: Use complete sentences that follow through to a logical conclusion.
5. Be Concise: Don’t be wordy, but use only necessary words to get a message across.
6. Be Concrete: Leave no space for imagination to filter the intention.
7. Be Courteous: Always have respect and honesty.

If followed, you’ll quickly find your communication is welcomed by everyone who works with you.

Why Is Effective Communication Important?

Effective communication is not only important, but vital. Communication is the foundation of any business. The benefits that good workplace communication brings (along with the failings that not having it can cause) ripple throughout an entire organization, from senior officers down to frontline workers. When done right, communication serves to identify and resolve problems before they become a hindrance to business success both internally and externally.

9 Reasons Why Effective Communication Is Important

To lay all the benefits out in an orderly fashion, we’ve compiled a list of nine reasons why effective communication is vitally important to any workplace.

When workplace communication is effective:

1. There are fewer misunderstandings that inhibit work productivity and safety.
2. A healthy workplace culture is fostered, where trust builds better employee relationships.
3. Employees can share their ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings in a non-threatening environment where they are validated as valued individuals.
4. Conflicts and problems are solved easily, quickly, and in more positive and creative ways.
5. A team spirit is promoted where common goals are set, worked toward, accomplished, and celebrated.
6. Employee self-esteem increases in their work and contributions.
7. There is clear direction with known required or desired expectations.
8. Employees feel greater engagement and higher job satisfaction that goes on to encourage company loyalty.
9. Businesses enjoy higher customer satisfaction, which is an important factor in achieving higher profits.

How to Communicate Effectively

Communicating effectively is not about always being upbeat and positive or by saying more words. Not only is communicating in this way dishonest and disingenuous, but unhelpful. Plus, employees don’t like it or respond well to it.

To communicate effectively, the first step is to determine which of the communication methods work and which don’t. That’s why asking for direct, specific, and descriptive feedback is a good place to start. Once you have that, evaluate your current communication process and style. Do they help to get what you want, or do they seem to build roadblocks? Make changes accordingly and regularly check in to ensure you’re improving your workplace communication skills.

Eliminate Barriers to Effective Workplace Communications

There will always be barriers to effective workplace communications, and some may be harder than others to overcome. However, an employer is obligated to remove as many barriers as possible so that free-flowing information and safe collaboration is accessible for all team members.

Barriers to communication can be divided into three categories—physical, words, and personal background.

1. Physical: This includes distance, noise, and disabilities.
2. Words: Examples are excessive use of technical terms, information overload, disorganized messaging, and ambiguity.
3. Personal Background: This may be demographical, experiential, and attitudinal differences.

To help dissolve some of these barriers, follow the seven Cs of effective communication—be clear, coherent, committed, complete, concise, concrete, and courteous. You should also work to improve the communication skills of listening better, paying attention to non-verbal messages, gaining emotional intelligence, and asking questions (as explained in greater detail below).

4 Changes You Can Make to Improve Your Workplace Communication Skills

If you find your communication skills lacking after taking a self-inventory and hearing feedback from others, here are four simple changes you can make to improve your communication skills:

1. Learn to listen. It’s easy to continue thinking inside your own head while someone else is speaking, but you need to stop doing this. It inhibits relationships from forming, and you end up missing most of what’s being said. Give others your full attention and genuinely concentrate on what they’re communicating to you. Do this by maintaining eye contact, regularly encouraging them to continue, and letting them know you are doing your best to understand.
2. Pay attention to non-verbal messages. Body language includes tone and pitch of voice, body posture and movement, and eye contact and facial expressions. The combination of all these elements often says a lot more than the actual words coming out of a person’s mouth.
3. Gain emotional intelligence. Understand your own and others’ emotions so that empathy can overrule logic. Humans don’t always act or react logically, so expecting everyone to do so is unrealistic and can cloud judgment during communication.
4. Ask questions. Draw out relevant information for the purposes of understanding more clearly, encouraging further thought, and expressing interest.

Working on these four areas will help your workplace communication endeavors, probably even more than you expect. They take practice to master, but the effort pays off well.

Effective Communication in the Workplace

The above ways to improve communication hold true in all areas of life, but there are additional tips for communicating effectively in the workplace. Having good communication as a pillar in company culture—having participation from the top down—can make all the difference. Employers who model good workplace communication skills are more likely to see their employees use them as well. It should be a team effort that reaps rewards for all.

In business, communication is often used to inspire people to take action. Therefore, don’t beat around the bush. Respect everyone’s time on the clock. Balance brevity with a personal touch. Structure opportunities for collaboration, and encourage two-way discussions. Show appreciation for your colleagues’ time.

Another thing to remember at work is to treat everyone as an equal. Don’t gossip or abuse confidentiality. Communication’s better uses are to build relationships, resolve conflicts, minimize stressors, and maintain optimism.

How to Improve Effective Communication Skills in the Workplace

There is a staggering number of ways to improve effective communication skills in the workplace, so it would be impossible to list them all here. However, we can surely try.

• Communicate regularly with all employees. Plan in-person or online meetings once a month or so to discuss proposals, projects, projections, and propositions. Allow everyone to share their thoughts and encourage them to listen to everyone else’s.
• Assess your current internal and external communication strategies. Include in-person, telephone, email, and online methods. Are your strategies working at every level? What can be done to optimize methods and outcomes?
• Implement a solid communications culture into the onboarding process so all new employees will know what to expect, what is expected of them, and where to go for answers.
• Introduce employees to one another and encourage thoughtful connections.
• Conduct stay interviews to determine what needs fixing and what it would take to make an employee want to stay with the company.
• Make internal files open, organized, and easily accessible so staff can refer to them whenever needed. Ensure documents are updated frequently to reflect the most current data and information.
• Send out an internal newsletter or produce a blog to keep employees feeling involved and up-to-date on the latest events and interesting news.
• Be personable and approachable. Don’t give the impression of being highly stressed, angry, or intimidating.
• Handle concerns with confidentiality and empathy. Involve the HR department to help guide you when extra help is needed.
• Include introverts in conversations by asking them by name to share their own ideas, experiences, or suggestions.
• Use video conferencing to reach out to remote employees so they don’t feel ignored or unimportant.
• Spark conversations using interesting and morale-boosting topics as a starting point.
• Allow off-topic or social conversations to happen naturally. Humans are social creatures and do best when they can take a short mental break to focus on building their relationships with others around them.
• Disperse information in a variety of ways. People ingest information more readily depending on their learning style. So, announce an event in person, through email, and printed on a poster to get a message through to the widest audience.
• Recognize a job well done and broadcast it to the team, department, or entire company so that others can join in on the celebration.
• Try sending a survey to collect information and feedback. Ask direct questions and let the answers guide your meetings, presentations, etc.
• Accept anonymous comments for both trivial and major concerns, as some people may be less comfortable with sharing something publicly.
• Consider using intranet software that includes easy-to-use tools that empower employees to connect and collaborate.
• Rely on professional communication skills training to teach your executives, managers, and team members how to properly communicate with each other and their clients or customers.

Just as we can’t list every single tip to improve effective communication skills in the workplace, it’s not possible for an organization to implement them all (especially all at once) without some professional help.

Workplace Communication Skills Training

Relying on professional communications skills training for executives, managers, and team members to get your communication culture in order. Yes, your HR department can take on this endeavor itself, but to truly gain the benefits of effective communication, an expert communicator and trainer should be involved.

With an official, vetted course, the following eight Crucial Conversations skills—grounded in decades of social science research—can be taught, practiced, and coached to unleash the full benefits and effects of effective communication.

Learn how to:

1. Identify conversational problems contributing to poor results at work.
2. Consider other employees’ perspectives and assume good intentions.
3. Keep composure when feeling defensive, angry, or intimidated.
4. Speak persuasively and share strong opinions without being abrasive.
5. Spot the warning signs of a risky dialogue.
6. Find and foster mutual purpose, even with those who have opposing viewpoints.
7. Rebuild a better dialogue after a conversation goes poorly.
8. Turn each conversation into an action plan that leads to desired results.

Crucial Conversations pays dividends in:

• The psychological safety of a positive workplace culture
• A savings of time and money that will no longer be spent on unproductive conversations
• The gains of agility and adaptability throughout changing circumstances
• Respectful ideation and thriving innovation
• Quick decision-making capabilities, regardless of ego and office politics
• The evidence of employee engagement
• The levels of preserved quality and observed safety

Take the Crucial Conversations Courses

These workplace communication skills can help you communicate more effectively, but how do you prepare for crucial high stakes conversations? Our three decades of research and experience confirm that most of the time, top performers communicate just like everyone else. But in crucial moments – when opinions differ and emotions run strong – top performers use a unique set of conversation skills to get results.

Crucial Conversations is an award-winning learning course that can help your employees learn the workplace communication skills demonstrated by top performers. The course teaches people skills and tools for tackling Crucial Conversations in a way that achieves result without ruining relationships. The course is available in several formats to meet the unique needs of your organization including on-demand, virtual instructor-led, and in-person. Regardless of the format you choose, Crucial Conversations enables teams and organizations to achieve higher levels of performance by changing employee behavior—one conversation at a time.

Your people will learn how to make even the riskiest and sensitive topics safe for discussion. How to turn disagreement into dialogue and conflict into collaboration. And how to create psychological safety and speak with respect so everyone feels comfortable sharing their perspective and meaning. These are the conditions that lead teams to make the best decisions and act on those decisions with unity and commitment.

If you’re interested in empowering your people to use their voice and create cultures of dialogue, sign up for Crucial Learning’s Crucial Conversations.

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