In her latest book, Dare to Lead, Brené Brown says one reason it is so challenging for individuals to give up their story rests on a universal truth: The emotionally flooded brain will always make up stories in the absence of good solid information or data—or as we would say, “facts.” She goes on to suggest that “meaning-making” is part of our anatomy and physiology, particularly when we are angry, scared, or hurt. Under these conditions, our predisposition is to generate a “story that makes sense of what’s happening and gives our brain information on how best to self-protect.”

Brown also refers to Robert Burton, a neurologist who suggests that the brain doesn’t like ambiguity. So, when there is an incomplete story, without a beginning, middle, and end, the brain will reward us with dopamine when we fill in the gap with a good story—“one with clear good guys and bad guys—regardless of the accuracy of the story.” The brain’s default mode is to complete the story, and often we don’t recognize that we’re captive to it.

So, how can we help those attending our training become more vulnerable, peel back the layers of self-justification and rationalization, and work on themselves first rather than others? Of course, part of the answer lies in the exercises and tools incorporated in the toolkit. These are designed to create conditions that yield personal insights, allowing learners to see into their true and often masked motives. However, over the last few months, I have found a final appeal that seems to be working well as a point of summary and reflection.

Following the final application of the Master My Story skills on pages 51 and 52 of the Crucial Conversations toolkit, I give participants a few minutes to share with their learning partner an insight or “aha” from the lesson. Then before moving on to the next lesson, I share with them the following quote from Brown’s book:

“When we own a story and the emotion that fuels it, we get to simultaneously acknowledge that something was hard while taking control of how that hard thing is going to end. We change the narrative. When we deny a story and when we pretend, we don’t makeup stories, the story owns us. It drives our behavior, and it drives our cognition, and then it drives even more emotions until it completely owns us.”

The post Master Your Stories Before They Master You appeared first on Crucial Learning.

First let me compliment you in attempting to proactively seek ways to bridge this “generational gap.” Many people have just assumed that the gap is too great or too much trouble. So thanks for taking the time to make this inquiry!

You might be interested to learn that VitalSmarts conducted a study early last year called: The Great Generational Divide. This study showed that unaddressed resentment between Baby Boomers, Gen Xers, and Millennials saps productivity by as much as 12 percent.

Let me make a couple of observations and suggestions to add to these very helpful insights on attempting to engage in dialogue across this generational divide.

It has been said that conflict is inevitable, but resentment is optional. We often encounter conflict because our background, our education and experiences differ so greatly. But how we choose to handle these conflicts can either lead to talking it out or acting it out.

Start With Heart

The greatest skills and strategies designed to bridge these generational gaps will fail if our heart, or motive is not continually focused on the larger picture of finding a way to connect with the other person. This is an exercise in emotional maturity. In the midst of high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions, can we find a way to change the motives of avoiding or attacking to those of listening and learning? Can we come to these generational encounters with a heart of genuine curiosity to learn about others, to lean into their reality and seek first to understand their world?

Once you’ve paid attention to your heart and adjusted your motive, the following skills from this research study will serve you well:

1. Make it safe. Begin by clarifying your respect as well as your intent to achieve a mutual goal.
2. Start with the facts. Describe your concerns facts first. Don’t lead with your judgments about others’ age or conclusions as to why they behaved the way they did. Start by describing in non-judgmental and objective terms the actual behaviors that create problems.
3. Don’t pile on. If your colleague becomes defensive, pause for a moment and check in. Reassure him or her of your positive intentions and allow him or her to express concerns.
4. Invite dialogue. After sharing your concerns, encourage your colleague to share his or her perspective. Inviting dialogue will result in greater openness.

The post How do I bridge the generational gap at work? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

It can be difficult when the other person seems to be holding back what it is they really want. There are a couple of things you might keep in mind when dealing with this situation.

Sometimes the refusal to open up is a sign others are not feeling safe. One of the first things you may want to do is ask yourself a couple of “heart questions”: A) Do you really care about what they care about? B) Do you really care about them? If you can’t answer in the affirmative for both, you may merely be going through the motions of seeking mutual purpose having failed to start with heart.

Next, keep in mind that you can only do your best to create conditions that make it safe for them to open up. You cannot force them to open up. You cannot dialogue with someone who doesn’t really want to dialogue, but you can demonstrate your willingness to solve the problem by your commitment. Remember that the first step in finding mutual purpose is to “commit to seek.” By definition, “seeking” doesn’t mean this is going to be easy or quick. Demonstrating with heart and actions that you are willing to commit to the time needed for the search can show your level of commitment to the process.

I would also spend time on step number two—recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Make the needed effort here to make it clear to others that you really want to better understand what it is they want and why they want it. This is more than merely asking “What do you want?” Take time to dig a little deeper here so that they feel you really want an understanding of their purpose.

If things still are not moving in a direction you feel is productive—if others seem guarded and not willing to open up—you might ask them about the issue from your perspective. You might say: “I’m not sure that I have a better understanding of what you want and why you want it. I could be wrong, but it seems like you may be holding back. Am I doing something that is making it difficult for you to be open and honest with me? If so I would really like to know.”

Since this is a process of seeking, end well by stating that you are willing to continue this search. If the other person would like to think about this a little more and perhaps get back together at some later time, it would be okay with you. This demonstrates your commitment to finding something that will work for both of you.

The post What if the other person refuses to open up? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Stacy Nelson is a Master Trainer and Senior Consultant at VitalSmarts.

READ MORE

What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training?

Thanks for the great question. Helping participants gain as much learning and application as possible is always the goal of any training. However, as a recent Wall Street Journal article suggests, this is not usually the case. The article reports that with “little follow-up or meaningful assessments, some 90% of new skills are lost within a year.” So what are some practical things that can be done?

Let me make a couple of suggestions that move beyond just follow up. Could it be that the intended effect of training is really a function of three major phases of training?

1. Preparation for training.
2. The training event.
3. Follow-up and follow through.

Due to limited space and time let me briefly talk about preparation and follow-up, with a brief reference to training.

Preparation
Avoid “blind training”! Too often, employees are “sent” to training because this is a “good seminar and they will benefit from it.” So they are already psychologically at risk. If, however, an employee were to meet with their manager before the training and talk about a development plan and how some of the skills and tools from the training could be helpful, the employee can view the training in the larger context of growth and development. This should be a joint plan. Help the employee become both the scientist and the subject as they look at potential career limiting/enhancing habits. Look for crucial moments and vital behaviors. Also set the expectation that there will be a brief post training review after the training event.

Training
One of the ways to deepen the impact of training is to customize the deliberate practice or “structured rehearsals.” Rather than using just those found in the toolkit, you can also gather typical situations that employees may encounter and put them into a structured rehearsal. We have found that this can have a significant impact on deepening the application.

Follow-up and Follow through
The basis of all education is repetition. One of the strategies that you might set up at the end of training is a deliberate practice plan. Challenge each participant to break up the training into small parts. Have them read one chapter in the book, listen to the corresponding audio CD, review the matching section in the toolkit, and work on the skills outlined on the cue card. Give participants two weeks to accomplish these tasks. Then in the following two weeks, have them read the next chapter in the book etc., until they have moved all the way through the material.

To create a simple system of accountability, have each participant pass around his or her toolkit to every other individual in his or her table group. Each person will put his or her name and e-mail address in the toolkit. Next, appoint a table captain who is responsible to send out an e-mail in two weeks, checking back with the participants on their assigned duties. It seems that group accountability is often more motivating than partner accountability.

While there are a number of other post-training and review ideas, we believe that if there were more intentional pre and post planning, the overall skill effect would be much more significant.

The post What are some ways I can further participants’ learning after the training? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Stacy Nelson is a Master Trainer and Senior Consultant at VitalSmarts.

READ MORE

When trying to commit to seek mutual purpose, what if the other person refuses to open up and share his or her meaning to find and/or create a mutual purpose?

It can be difficult when the other person seems to be holding back what it is they really want. There are a couple of things you might keep in mind when dealing with this situation.

Sometimes the refusal to open up is a sign others are not feeling safe. One of the first things you may want to do is ask yourself a couple of “heart questions”: A) Do you really care about what they care about? B) Do you really care about them? If you can’t answer in the affirmative for both, you may merely be going through the motions of seeking mutual purpose having failed to start with heart.

Next, keep in mind that you can only do your best to create conditions that make it safe for them to open up. You cannot force them to open up. You cannot dialogue with someone who doesn’t really want to dialogue, but you can demonstrate your willingness to solve the problem by your commitment. Remember that the first step in finding mutual purpose is to “commit to seek.” By definition, “seeking” doesn’t mean this is going to be easy or quick. Demonstrating with heart and actions that you are willing to commit to the time needed for the search can show your level of commitment to the process.

I would also spend time on step # 2 —recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Make the needed effort here to make it clear to others that you really want to better understand what it is they want and why they want it. This is more than merely asking “What do you want?” Take time to dig a little deeper here so that they feel you really want an understanding of their purpose.

If things still are not moving in a direction you feel is productive—if others seem guarded and not willing to open up—you might ask them about the issue from your perspective. You might say: “I’m not sure that I have a better understanding of what you want and why you want it. I could be wrong, but it seems like you may be holding back. Am I doing something that is making it difficult for you to be open and honest with me? If so I would really like to know.”

Since this is a process of seeking, end well by stating that you are willing to continue this search. If the other person would like to think about this a little more and perhaps get back together at some later time, it would be okay with you. This demonstrates your commitment to finding something that will work for both of you.

The post What if the other person refuses to open up? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Stacy Nelson is a Master Trainer and Senior Consultant at VitalSmarts.

READ MORE

Can you offer any insight on how to help a participant apply the learning from the Left Hand-Right Hand column exercise (Start with Heart) when the participant states that they are an extravert and they always share exactly what they are thinking?

Assuming that this person has completed the “Acid Test” exercise in “Get Unstuck”—-there are probably some conversations where they are frustrated in their ability to influence another person to think differently or act differently by engaging them in “Dialogue.”

As far as the Left Hand column exercise is concerned, meet them where they are. Have them focus on the Right Hand Column and the impact of always sharing exactly what they are thinking on creating conditions of “dialogue” and “safety.” Would it be better to pause and reconsidered the impact of their thoughts and feelings before “openly” sharing?

This style of “openly sharing” can be further validated by their style under stress assessment. It may be that they have a very low score on “silence” due to the fact that they simply share the raw, unedited conclusions and attributions. But how is this impacting safety and the free flow of meaning?

We encourage people to be honest in their interaction, not in an abrasive manner, but rather a persuasive manner. In order to move from abrasive to persuasive, they have to reconsider their emotionally charged thoughts and feelings and find a way to express themselves in a more reasoned, reflective and persuasive manner. This may mean that as an extrovert, they have to learn a new skill of creating a gap between stimulus and response before expressing thoughts and feelings.

The key here is for this person to honestly ask; what do I really want for myself, for others and for the relationship? Then pause before expressing themselves to see if what they are about to say will result in getting what they really want.

Part of the skill set of Crucial Conversations is learning ways of altering thoughts and actions to facilitate safety and dialogue, regardless of whether they are an introvert, or extrovert. Don’t let the DNA determine the destiny.

The post How do I help an extavert apply the learning from the Left Hand-Right Hand column exercise (Start with Heart)? appeared first on Crucial Learning.