I’m not sure the word “blame” applies here, at least as I understand it. Really, the impacts of how parents treat children is huge – and it’s the pain of those impacts that has effects that are really known only to the recipient. I think you might mean – really strong emotions and a lot of impacts. (?)

I’d suggest to “hope” – not at all to imagine there’s a “right” amount of “blame” – I wouldn’t even use the word “blame” – emotion or responsibility.

Something I read that I like…in “Beyond Reason” book by Fisher and Shapiro – they say something along the lines of…let’s see, I’ll try to quote it: “If, for example, you are unappreciated or unaffiliated, you may feel as if you are drowning, alone, ignored, unable to breathe.” By affiliation, I take it to mean “belonging” – and the fundamental sense of safety and security everyone needs from their primary attachment person.

I’d really suggest to “Hope” – to get some empathy and support – esp. from the communities I suggested above: http://www.gordontraining.com or http://www.cnvc.org. Or somewhere! She also deserves a lot of empathy, and perhaps needs that before she can really absorb the amount of emotional pain her emotional disconnection triggered in her sons. And perhaps even try to arrange for them to receive empathy elsewhere and/or to have someone they can all talk to. Ideal, I know. (Just my way of saying: I hope, as well – for all their needs to be met.) That love and connection is possible.

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for sharing. I really, really hope you can see this. Both the “P.E.T.” Thomas Gordon author and the http://www.cnvc.org – “Center for Non-violent communication” – lots of excellent material in all media formats. They both have workshops and even – for “CNVC” – family camps. Practice and talking w. others is crucial. This is very much “third way” – not authoritarian, not permissive. I recommend both, because the approaches are very different. The http://www.gordontraining.com website has a free article under “resources”/”parenting” that compares many different parenting books.

Hi Brent and Ann

You might like to check out “Parent Effectiveness Training,” and the work of Thomas Gordon, who might have had an influence on Joseph. There are a lot of free resources and books (in the library) – this is classic, basic material. http://www.gordontraining.com. Also, check out http://www.cnvc.org. Both Gordon and Rosenberg were graduate students of Carl Rogers.

Jennifer – I’m working on not yelling and here are some sites I’ve found helpful:
http://www.teach-through-love.com/
http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com
http://www.visiblechild.org/

I’ve gotten my own help, but it’s nice to see the above as some validation for what I went through.

Ann,

There are many great books that can help you with parenting. I am by no means an expert and have made many mistakes. I would suggest crucial conversations as a good place to start. Many parents are afraid to have tough conversations or tell their child no or apologize when needed. I find any time I spend in bible study and prayer is incredibly important. If I am in poor spiritual shape I cannot be a good parent. Your desire to repair your relationship with your kids is wonderful. Look for ways to make amends and tell them you love them.

I am guilty of the same things in your article, and I have been agonizing over how to repair the relationship with two of my adult children. Although my boys are grown and on their own, their hearts have hardened toward me. I realized long ago the mistakes that I made, I admitted them and asked their forgiveness. They forgave me, but that didn’t fix the relationship because I did it the wrong way – explaining, justifying and defending. I was proud of never having been on welfare or having many boyfriends, keeping a roof over their heads, food on the table, and doing the best I could with what I had. This was definitely not what they wanted to hear! I didn’t understand how to address how I had made them feel.

I am very thankful for this well laid-out plan and hopeful that with much prayer I will be able to repair our relationship and be a family again.

One last thing, I have always lamented the fact that for the most important job we will ever have, there is no real training or education. Why not?