Comments on: Healing Past Wounds in the Present

By: Lisa Hamilton Maier

Lisa Hamilton Maier — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 00:48:18 +0000

I don’t even know how to begin to tell you how impressed I am with the advice I read on your blog, with the recommendations that balance compassion, vulnerability and presence that is virtually unmatched in any other advice column I have ever read. I am in AWE.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 00:14:32 +0000

In reply to Valerie. And yet, the adoptive and birth parents' need for safety is theirs to define and to meet, no one else's. I hope this goes well for all!

By: Crystal

Crystal — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 01:29:31 +0000

Thanks to Awkward for opening this dialogue. I love reading these scenarios and responses to keep me thinking about Crucial Skills and how to apply them to all situations.

In reading this scenario, I wonder if Awkward’s history about this child was news to his wife, or if he had disclosed this when first building his relationship with her. If it’s news, there might be broken trust in this relationship that warrants apology and rebuilding of trust.

Regardless, opportunities abound for building and strengthen relationships! Best wishes to Awkward and his loved ones.

By: josephgrenny

josephgrenny — Thu, 08 Oct 2015 14:27:06 +0000

In reply to SMC.

Great question, SMC. And one I’m sure is relevant to most of us. All of us carry past wounds–often without realizing how they are filtering our present experiences. If I am in relationship with someone and see this pattern coming up – I must find a way to talk about that pattern in a safe way – a way that invites inquiry and offers support without loading it with blame or judgment. Tough to do – but in the end we are all the key to one another’s healing.

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 22:59:35 +0000

In reply to SMC.

A good question! I would respond by saying something like “I’m sorry you feel that way. My intention was to…” and then share my motivations and felings. I would end with “I understand you feel that I…… But that doesn’t feel true to me”. That way, he shares his true motivations, acknowledging that it might not look like that to his daughter, but he doesn’t have to “accept the blame” if he feels like what she is saying wasn’t true.

By: SMC

SMC — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 19:53:12 +0000

This is a beautiful line and thought: ” If others have judgments about your past choices, you must decide if you are willing to let your peace be a product of their approval.” Bravo!

In response 1, you say, “It is also possible her resentment stems from trauma or fears she has that are unrelated to you. Your response to that would be the same—to validate her feelings. You needn’t take the “blame” for her feelings in either case.”

What if she doesn’t understand that her resentment comes from trauma or unrelated fears and, in order to alleviate her own anxiety, is blaming/accusing him of things he didn’t actually do or intend? How can he validate her feelings without assuming blame?

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 17:00:32 +0000

Wow! Joseph, your thoughts were inspiring to me, and I’m not the one trying to cope with a tough situation! I have helped to present personal growth workshops for 20+ years, and I found your information really appropriate and thought provoking. Thank you for reminding readers that we are only responsible for our actions and for being honest about our part in situations. It is freeing to relaize that I can allow others to have their feelings, without trying to fix it or alter their expereince. Just witnessing and being present is alot of what we do in the workshops I have done as well.

By: kh

kh — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 16:59:59 +0000

Great advice. I gave up a child for adoption too. Being a woman, I couldn’t hide my pregnancy so everyone knew and also knew Igave him up for adoption. When I eventually married, my husband knew and also knew that if this child ever looked me up I would be willing to meet him. When he was 18 he contacted me through the agency. We have a lovely relationship. He has loving parents and I am not replacing his mom, I’m his birth mother. My kids love him, he loves us. The relationship is not the same as with my children who were with me but it is a loving relationship. He’s 29 now. He calls me by my given name and his children call me Grandma. We occassionaly talk on the phone, visit each other. No one feels threatened. I just want to encourage Awkward that your entire family can be blessed by this new relationship.

By: Kelcy Benedict

Kelcy Benedict — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 15:05:41 +0000

Well said – well said! What insightful thoughts here that we can apply to so many difficult and very real human situations. Gentle reminders to own your own state, let others own theirs, and show up authentically with vulnerability, humility, and compassion. Be prepared to journey through!

I appreciate ‘Awkward Reunion’ for their courage to step out for help in this forum for us all to learn and to the insightful support and advice from Joseph. Thank you!

By: Valerie

Valerie — Wed, 07 Oct 2015 14:21:17 +0000

That is quite a plot twist, isn’t it? A couple of other complexities to factor in: are your daughter’s adoptive parents living or deceased? If living, they need safety, too. As does her birth mother if your daughter has looked her up or is planning to do so. My birth daughter got in touch a couple of years ago. We had a cautious start and the relationship is now going exceptionally well and the rest of my family loves her (applying the Crucial Skills helped a lot, but we also had a fairly low level of complexity – her adoptive parents (who gave her a happy childhood) were deceased, she has no interest in looking up her birth father, I have no other children, and my spouse was not resentful (I’d given him a heads up before we married), but you can indeed wade through this successfully). Good luck with the relationship and all the best…