Hi Wanda,

Your situation happens more than you would think! Bosses generally do not think well of being confronted by subordinates and since they have power over your immediate professional career, it is wise to consider your options. One strategy is to be active —- active and aggressive in finding another position in another department or even another company. Just the action of this strategy will help soften the victim label. In the meantime, start documenting every time this boss gossips to you and how you ever so gently try to redirect — but not on your work computer. This is a CYA strategy of being able to pull this out if your boss does decide to give you a poor performance review or have you fired. That’s another road to cross wisely. Another way to look at this, too, is that this is a business gift. Some people have a propensity to gossip and spread negative rumors — which is a bullying tactic to achieve their social and business goals because they don’t have the appropriate prosocial skills. Check out Joseph’s Crucial Skills work to learn as much as possible, not just for your situation, but for a manager’s situation whereby they don’t know how to get the results they would like from their employees. Curiosity over why an employee performs the way they do may even help in your particular situation. While it is not against the law for your boss to behave the way s/he does, there is a Healthy Workplace Bill circulating in over 29 states that specifically points out what is termed workplace bullying. It is coming! In the meantime, if you can find a coach or therapist that specializes in the underlying dynamics of the bullying phenomenon, this will provide you with the much needed professional support to achieve your professional goals. Whenever an individual is treated inequitibly, their inhibition system triggers cortisol and other chemicals that tend to scatter incoming information disjointedly in the brain in order to force attention on environmental threats. When you start documenting these situations, you may discover it difficult to write it all in a coherent manner. If so, do seek mindfulness training and that coach or therapist!

What advice do you give when the employee fears retaliation from the boss who has been behaving badly. I am in that situation and like Anna-Marie, from what I have seen when others have approached HR they are told, you are an adult, you need to talk to your boss then we’ll deal with any retaliation that may happen.

You are totally right. Unless it involves something of an illegal matter (i.e. harassment, discrimination, retaliation, etc) – that is typically the advice HR gives.

I work in HR. I have given this advice.
Here’s why:

You are an adult. While confrontation can be uncomfortable at times, you are responsible for addressing the behavior in a way that makes someone feel safe while you share your perspective. HR’s role is typically more of a “consultant” at times with these sort of things. I’ve used the tactics from crucial conversations when giving employees advice: what are the FACTS, what PERCEPTION was created, and how can we arrive at a RESOLUTION. I always recommend beginning the conversation with “I am confident this wasn’t your intent, but [insert fact, perception]..”

It can be a tough situation to manage, witness, and consult. That’s why I read these blogs and books 🙂

I agree, Eric. I slide into it unwittingly myself more often than I like.

Good luck, Sarsh. I am impressed with your integrity and humility.

Thanks for your encouragement, Tony. Wrestling with these difficult dilemmas helps me examine myself more carefully as well. I’m glad it does you, too.

Yes, you can.

Absolutely, Jen. Of course you should use any power or tools available to you. I am sorry if it has sounded like we glibly suggest “just leave.” We don’t take that lightly. The core message I meant to send in this response was that if you choose to stay, CHOOSE it. It doesn’t make the bad behavior any more fun to be around – but it removes the added burden of feeling like a victim.

I understand the tough tradeoff you’re making, Wanda. Sounds like you’ve thought it through and are taking responsibility for it.