Ani, I’m so glad someone else mentioned the classic patriarchal response element. That was exactly what I thought reading Joseph’s response. Claire’s is a much more healthy path of action to take that benefits all parties.

Thank you, Claire, for offering a rational, intelligent response completely the opposite of Joseph’s. Joseph’s reply was the classic patriarchal expectation of women, to keep giving and being more emotionally vulnerable in hopes her clod of a male partner will either catch a hint or decide to be respectful of her and reciprocate equally, and in kind.

The relationship will just keep getting more imbalanced, and she will feel emotionally strung out from ever more giving and being vulnerable, while he is doing neither, or not to her extent. And then he will decide she’s overly emotional while he’s the “rational” one. Classic. While he is in fact the irrational one, for expecting to not give equally and in kind in a relationship.

What Joseph proposed as a solution is a classic expectation put on women that is actually emotional abuse, uncommunicativeness, and silent suffering, while hoping the jerk catches on and starts reciprocating.

I would explain further, but accidentally lost my previous reply before hitting send, so I’ll leave it at this.

Claire, you’re right to propose clear communication and to discuss how the two will handle these situations.

Thanks, Clare. This is what I was trying to get at in the fourth bullet (Balance patience with responsibility for yourself). You have offered a useful perspective in my view.

Good question, Kirk. I’ve worked hard on this myself. I’ll craft a longer answer and submit it for a future column.

Thank you, Robin. This is good additional insight.

While I agree to a degree with the response to “Unfair”, just because we speak up to our partner about our needs it’s up to the other to respond how they see fit.

However, I feel there is a level of mutual respect and agreed ground rules missing that needs to be addressed in this dynamic. When there is no effort from one partner to seek to understand, acknowledge their partner’s perspective and if after respectful discussion and consideration, take steps to make adjustments to behaviour this interaction will continue to play out. Resentment will eventually seep in and the relationship will break down further. Without this change to the dynamic “Unfair” will continue to feel unheard, dismissed and like their needs are unimportant in the relationship.

I highly recommend “Unfair” starting a new discussion with their husband – when not in conflict – about agreeing on how both will respond when issues or concerns like this are brought up.