Comments on: Rebuilding Family Relationships https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Thu, 30 Apr 2015 02:44:07 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: Dave https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4042 Thu, 30 Apr 2015 02:44:07 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4042 In reply to Harry.

I can relate. You have a tough decision. You have to choose between your own welfare and the attachment to your family. I chose my emotional health and have never regretted it, despite estrangement and loneliness. The cost of this choice is high, but the cost of choosing the other way is even higher.
Wishing you clarity and peace.

]]> By: Harry https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4041 Thu, 30 Apr 2015 02:00:28 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4041 I have a similar childhood experience. My abuser bluntly refuses to acknowledge anything he’s done was wrong. At most he downplayed it by saying he just hit me a few times, and asked me why I held grudges? In the meantime the emotional abuse continues. He’d get angry if he didn’t like what I said. I tried to reason with him. He shut me up by shouting at me. If I wrote him with my reasonings, he’s just let his anger run wild and get himself into high blood pressure. All other relatives would blame me for it. It’s such a thorny situation. What to do if someone is not willing to listen to reason and push all the responsibility to other people including his own well being?

]]> By: Amit https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4040 Mon, 27 Apr 2015 08:57:50 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4040 Dear Joseph,

Although this Q&A has nothing to do with me, I felt so touched by your considered advice that I thought I should write to thank you. I am sure the person you has asked you this would have benefited from what you said.

Regards
Amit

]]> By: Anonymous https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4039 Sat, 25 Apr 2015 23:07:11 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4039 I love your response, too. As I read it, though, I wondered if you already have an article on a similar but opposite situation. I am mom to two adults in early forties. They aren’t abusive, but they are indifferent to our existence. (Son, who lives in New York, said if we move to Phoenix he won’t ever come see us. We decided to remain on the east coast so we can, at least see him, sometimes.) Both offspring are eager to see us at Christmas, if we go to see them, and agree to our visits. I understand the challenges of having parents to visit, plus sites and venues to visit with one’s own nuclear family, with only 2 weeks’ vacation. ‘Been THERE. Neither one, however, wants us to be part of his/her life. It appears I did a good job of fostering independence, and “Family” as it relates to the sibling, but somehow omitted our own relevance. Neither has interest in us as the fun, interesting human beings we are. We’re at a loss as to how to handle. We want to be open minded, hearted and armed, and forgiving, but clearly out of sight is out of mind. I told each one I will not live with my nose pressed against a window to his/her life. Each of them is indifferent to us as parents and as people. Any suggestions?

]]> By: Anita https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4038 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 17:21:01 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4038 In reply to Dave.

Agree – have similar experiences but am fortunate to have been able to forgive and have the relationships for me, my daughter and now my grand-daughter – she even knows her great-grandparents. Forgiveness is powerful – given and received.

]]> By: Author https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4037 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 16:33:41 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4037 Thankfully I can’t personally relate to what “Forgive or Protect” experienced, but I’m struck by the wisdom in Joseph’s advice, especially the need to focus first on what’s most important: the physical and emotional well being of the children. It seems easy to allow empathy (or guilt) to override good judgement and shrewdness. This advice REALLY resonated with me.

]]> By: Jennifer Jones https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4036 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 16:13:36 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4036 What a wonderful response, Joseph. Thank you!

]]> By: Randy Isaacson https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4035 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 15:44:00 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4035 I taught Crucial Conversation/Confrontations for many years in my university and was always impressed with the crucial skills programs. This is one more example of your program and people knowing how to deal with incredibly difficult situations. You change the lives of so many. Thank you.

]]> By: Dave https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4034 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 14:49:21 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4034 In reply to Tony.

At the risk of taking up too much bandwidth, I’d like to comment yet again.
The best approach is to forgive AND protect. Forgiveness may mean to stop feeling anger, but that’s only a small part of it. The greater part involves making a decision that you will not be driven by resentment (or guilt). Instead, you accept the situation and move forward without the burden of resentment. Acceptance isn’t easy, nor is it pleasant to move on while leaving another behind. But to thus forgive is to be clear in your own heart, which enables you to bring more wisdom to your life.

]]> By: Karen https://cruciallearning.com/blog/rebuilding-family-relationships/#comment-4033 Wed, 22 Apr 2015 14:44:27 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=5824#comment-4033 My first thought was IF you rekindle your relationship, and IF you see that the ‘change’ is genuine after extended periods of time with her, then introducing the children should be with at a very limited time at first (maybe even in public somewhere, i.e. a park, a restaurant, etc), and with YOU ALWAYS there so no abuse can happen without you being aware of it. Do not leave your children alone with her for any amount of time. That would be my major concern. Choosing to trust, but then that trust is violated because you weren’t there, even for just a few minutes. Leave no room open for when abuse can take place and do so much damage to even just one child.

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