I’ve noticed lately that my friend isn’t giving me her full attention when I’m speaking. She will start the conversation, but when I’m discussing a point, her attention starts to wander. Sometimes she won’t even acknowledge what I’m saying. It feels like she wants to end the conversation while I’m still speaking. It’s very hurtful and it makes me feel like she does not value what I say. How can I get her to stop doing this?

Signed,
Ignored

Dear Ignored,

In our busy, technology-saturated world, gaining and retaining people’s attention can feel like an impossible challenge. We must compete with smartphones in every hand and screens on every wall. And if not distracted by screens, people are preoccupied with an overloaded to-do list and anxiety around getting it all done. I can empathize with your frustration of not having your friend’s attention. I can also empathize with your friend who is struggling to give you the attention you deserve.

I want to share a few skills that will help in your Crucial Conversation. However, before I start, I invite you to shift your expectations. You can’t get people to do anything. People have their agency, and while the dialogue skills can influence behavior, they aren’t a form of manipulation. As you approach your friend, consider that what you share might motivate her to change the way she shows up in your interactions, and it might not. That behavior change is up to your friend, not you.

To be specific, the conversation you’ll want to hold with your friend is an accountability conversation. There is a gap between how you expect your friend to behave when you’re together and the way she is actually behaving. So, how can you attempt to close that gap?

As you approach this accountability conversation, try the following skills:

Assume the best. Rather than assume she is purposefully not giving you her full attention, assume that she is unaware of the problem. When you assume the best of someone cutting in line at Disneyland, for example, you say things like: “I’m sorry. Were you aware that we’ve been standing here in line?” This presumption of innocence avoids an accusation and starts the conversation on the right foot.

Separate intentions from outcome. You stated that when your friend’s attention starts to wander it is hurtful and makes you feel that she doesn’t really value what you have to say. While these feelings are understandable, don’t lead with them. Doing so will likely put your friend on the defense and you’ll start the conversation on an emotional cliff.

Consider that what you’re feeling isn’t the result of her direct intentions. Likely she isn’t intending to hurt you. Possibly, she’s totally unaware of how she’s showing up in your interactions. Assuming the best and separating intentions from the outcomes allows you to hold a pragmatic conversation based on facts and not perceptions. Which leads us to the next skill.

Start with the facts. You’re more likely to have a successful conversation when you start with the facts rather than your feelings. Facts are the least controversial part of what you have to say and the least likely to be debatable. To avoid a debate about the facts, I’d suggest waiting to hold your conversation until the next time these behaviors show up. So, the next time you find yourself interacting with your friend and you notice that she starts to look at her phone, or her attention wanders, pause the conversation right there and point out the behavior. It might sound like this.

“Hey, something just happened that I’d like to draw your attention to. You asked me a question, and as soon as I started to speak, you pulled out your phone and started scrolling. In fact, this is something that happens a lot when we’re together.”

Now that you’ve pointed out the behavior in the moment, you can share your conclusion. “When you start scrolling on your phone, or seem distracted by something else while we’re talking, it makes me feel like you don’t really value what I’m saying or maybe don’t want to spend time with me.”

Then check to see if you’ve got it right. “Is that what is going on or am I missing something?”

Listen. Now that you’ve shared your meaning, it’s time to listen and let your friend share hers. Don’t interject, simply listen. Perhaps you’ll learn something about why she feels the need to put her attention elsewhere when you’re together. Maybe she’s overwhelmed at work and under a lot of pressure, feeling like she needs to be constantly tethered to email. Perhaps she’s emotionally distant for other personal reasons that might surface as she shares her meaning. However, I suspect, she’ll be surprised and apologetic. She’ll say something like, “Oh no. You’re right, I am really distracted and I’m sorry that it has made you feel like I don’t value our time together. I do enjoy talking with you and I’ll try to do better.” If she is receptive in this or a similar way, then move to the next step.

Set some boundaries. Take the opportunity to set some ground rules about how you’ll act when you’re together. Say something like, “Let’s commit to putting each other first when we’re together. Could we leave our phones in our bags instead of out in the open? That will help eliminate the distraction altogether.” Or find another way to ensure that your time together is focused and meaningful.

The last step is important because it allows you to not have to repeat the conversation in the event your friend is distracted while talking in the future. You can just say, “Hey, remember how we discussed eliminating distractions when we’re together?” It also allows you to move the issue forward using the CPR skill—Content, Pattern, Relationship. This first conversation was about the content. But if it happens again, you can now address the pattern. And eventually, if needed, you would address the relationship.

If your friend truly doesn’t value your relationship enough to focus on you when you’re together, then it will soon become apparent, and you may choose to spend your time with others who do.

Best of luck in your accountability conversation.

Brittney

The post Addressing a Poor Listener appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can you confront a manipulative roommate who has a way of talking their way out of situations and a history of gaslighting? I caught them stealing food from other roommates.

Signed,
Roommate

Dear Roommate,

Two of our most popular Crucial Skills articles are “How to Confront a Liar” and “How to Approach a Suspected Thief.” You might want to read both for additional ideas on approaching your roommate. You’re not alone in living and associating with people who don’t always act responsibly. It’s a challenging world out there.

It sounds like your concern centers on the fact that you’ve caught your roommate stealing, but their history of manipulation and gaslighting gives you little confidence in confronting them with good results. I’ll share three skills I think will help.

Ask the Humanizing Question

When you’re facing bad behavior, one of the principles we teach in Crucial Conversations is to ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational person do what they did?” We call this the humanizing question, and we suggest that you spend time reflecting on it before engaging in dialogue. But what happens when history indicates the other person isn’t reasonable or rational? How do you proceed?

The humanizing question is so important because its purpose is two-fold. Yes, it helps you humanize the other person you’re about to dialogue with. But also, and maybe most importantly, it keeps you human. You’ll find that the cognitive process of generously diagnosing someone’s behavior helps to neutralize your own heightened emotions, slow your desire to act harshly and reactively, and remind yourself that you’re safe. This process ensures that you enter the conversation both reasonably and rationally.

If you can’t understand why your roommate acted the way they did, consider why another person—one who is reasonable and rational—acted that way. Perhaps they were out of food and in a hurry but planned to replace the items later. Or perhaps they asked permission when you weren’t around. In any case, when you practice the humanizing question, you’re taking time before the confrontation to both act humanely yourself and see the humanity in the other person.

It’s important to note that we don’t give people the benefit of the doubt because they are in fact innocent. Often, the other party is guilty and that’s why the confrontation is necessary. Which brings us to our next skill.

Start with Facts

As you approach your roommate, be sure to stick to the facts about what you observed and nothing more. Resist the urge to pile on additional frustrations or add conjecture about what the incident means about the other person. Instead, simply and factually describe what you saw and then let them explain.

“Yesterday, I saw you drink Fred’s milk. The carton was clearly labeled but you poured a glass anyway. Did he give you permission to do that?” And then listen to understand. Some simple, factual dialogue might just help them reset their behavior or provide the explanation you were lacking.

Sticking to the facts is particularly important with someone who gaslights. You’re not talking about your feelings or perceptions that are debatable; you’re simply describing facts that can’t be denied. In the future, I strongly suggest you speak up quickly and in the moment so that the facts hold their power. The longer you wait to speak up, the more the facts grow fuzzy—sometimes degrading into a game of he-said-she-said. And this may be why you’ve struggled with your roommate in the past. You’ve had concerns, you’ve remained silent, and your silence gives them leeway to debate history as it grows fuzzier and less certain. Any hope of salvaging this relationship will depend on your willingness and ability to speak up candidly and quickly.

Use CPR

If your roommate’s behavior doesn’t change despite you speaking up in the moment, then you’ll want to elevate the conversation from Content (a singular incident), to Pattern (the history of bad behavior), and eventually to the Relationship. This skill is called CPR and it helps you decide which conversation to hold so you can solve problems rather than get stuck having the same conversation over and over.

Instead of narrowing in on a single incident of stealing, talk about a pattern of behavior that is unacceptable in your home. You might need to set some boundaries. For example, “Since this is a pattern, maybe it’s best that we label our food so there isn’t any confusion about who it belongs to.”

If, you’ve held a pattern conversation and reached some new agreements, but your roommate continues to behave poorly, then it’s time to elevate the conversation to the third level: Relationship.

At this point you’ll want to talk about how they have violated your trust or created such a toxic environment that you need to renegotiate the relationship. Many people who gaslight or manipulate are rarely confronted about THAT behavior. The other person tends to beat around the bush, addressing small content issues but never addressing the impact of these toxic behaviors on the relationship.

Relationship conversations are not easy, but if things are as challenging as you describe, it’s probably where you need to go. This is when you’ll want to talk about finding new living accommodations for you or them. Or maybe even ending the relationship because it’s no longer healthy for you. The best approach is to proceed tentatively. Continue to share facts that support your conclusions and concerns. Make sure it’s clear why you feel the way you do, and that your accusations aren’t based on conjecture or stories, but real behavior. Then ask them how they see it? Listen to understand their view and then decide what that means for you.

If they feel remorseful, maybe there’s room to work things out. If they are defensive and resistant, you may want to find a new living arrangement. Whatever the result, your thoughtful actions should help you move forward with your decision confidently.

Best of luck,
Brittney

The post How to Confront Someone Who Has a History of Evading Responsibility appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I have a new employee on my team who is very knowledgeable but shares her knowledge in a very know-it-all fashion. I’m concerned this will lead to a disconnect between her and the rest of the team. I want her to develop good relationships with our team members, but I’ve noticed that her tendency is driving people away. Some folks on my team have also noticed and let me know. How do I “coach” her? I’ve never had to coach to personality traits before. It’s so much easier to address poor performance or disrespect, but this? What can I do?

Signed,
Coach

Dear Coach,

Thanks for your question. Let me begin by applauding your word choice. As a people leader, one of my favorite responsibilities is that of a coach. In today’s evolving workplace, the role of servant leadership—with mentoring and coaching—is becoming more and more important. Additionally, those entering the workforce want to work in environments that foster skill development, and that requires coaching.

You may have to shift your mindset a bit to coach someone. Managing takes more of a directive approach by telling people what to do or solving their problems for them. Mentoring and coaching take an indirect approach. Mentors help by showing and offering guidance. Coaches ask questions so others can solve and overcome their own challenges.

So, what to do with your situation? How do you coach someone with a “know-it-all” personality?

Make Your Motives Clear

Focusing on what you really want is of most importance. But it’s a balance between what you want for EACH member and what you want for the TEAM. Phil Jackson, a world-champion professional basketball coach once said, “The strength of a team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team.”

What do you want for the team? My guess is you want a team where everyone can freely and safely share their ideas with each other. You want a team that not only listens but also values everyone’s ideas and input. You want a team that creates a strong pool of shared meaning to make better decisions and get improved results.

Within the team, what do you want for each team member? Again, my guess is you want each member of your team to feel safe to share, explore, challenge, question, and inspire one another. You want them to make their biggest and best contributions. These motives should drive how you lead your team. They should be your focus when you coach, especially in times when things go wrong or emotions get strong. Once you are clear with your motives, share them with your team and remind them in moments like this when you need to address something getting in the way.

Help Her See

People are often unaware of how their behavior impacts others. Good coaches don’t merely tell others what they are doing wrong. They help them see their behavior. In sports, a coach will use game film (a video recording of the game) to help the player identify where they fell short. In watching themselves perform, you don’t have to tell them what they did wrong; they will see it.

It’s probably a bit cumbersome for you to walk around with a video camera capturing every team interaction. And even if modern technology allowed for it, I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, try to capture what we might call “verbal game film.” Your question suggests that your employee shares her knowledge in a “know-it-all” fashion. What does that look like? If she were watching game film of the interaction, what would she see? What would she hear?

She may or may not know she is even doing it. Share the facts of these interactions to help her see how her behavior is affecting others. Avoid any stories or conclusions, like she’s a “know-it-all.” Doing so may trigger defensiveness and limit her receptiveness to your coaching. Stick to facts and try to help her see the impact her behavior is having on others. For example, “You may not be aware of it, but when you said in today’s marketing meeting ‘Everyone knows that direct mail is dead!’ others looked downward and went silent. Later, a few team members expressed concern that you shut down dialogue.”

Then invite her to share her thoughts after seeing the “game film.”

Let Her Lead

Whether this behavior is a new discovery or one she has been aware of for years, let her lead in exploring solutions. Too often as leaders we look for a quick fix. We insert ourselves too quickly. Remember, those you lead are closest to the problem and often know what to do better than you. Leaders are sometimes hesitant to step into a coaching role because they worry they don’t have all the answers. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just need to care.

Ask questions to engage her in discovering the best approach moving forward. Work jointly to find a solution that serves a mutual purpose for both her and the team.

Great leaders have a coaching mindset. Use this opportunity to identify how you can help your team learn and improve. I’d love to hear what other leaders have done to coach their team members. Tell us in the comments.

Sincerely,
Scott

The post How to Coach a Know-It-All appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How do I help an employee become more organized and productive when she does not respond well to constructive criticism? We have talked about this several times, but I cannot seem to help her find a productive way of working. It’s almost like she enjoys being frantic and unproductive. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Trying to Help

Dear Trying,

It’s tough to be in the orbit of someone who is frantic and disorganized. It’s even more challenging when they’re unwilling to see how their behavior impacts others. However, I’ll start by acknowledging that your team member’s response to your critique is pretty common.

Several years ago, we surveyed 455 people to better understand how they respond to harsh feedback. Unsurprisingly, we found that 9 out of 10 said they were shocked and stunned when they received harsh feedback. The interesting data surfaced when we asked people whether they’d welcome the feedback if it were delivered in a careful and compassionate way. And what we found is that it would make little difference in their reaction. No matter how well feedback is delivered, it still leaves a painful and lasting impression—it’s still hard to hear.

I don’t share this data to excuse your team member’s behavior, but rather to help us better understand it. As a manager, assume that criticism – however constructive it may be – will likely be difficult for your team member to hear. Expecting an emotional or defensive reaction can help you better prepare for the Crucial Conversation.

And here are a few skills you’ll want to use when confronting your team member about their frantic and unproductive behavior.

Make it safe. Knowing that your team member is going to react defensively to the criticism, you need to be extra diligent in creating and maintaining safety in the conversation. An underlying principle of safety in dialogue is understanding that people don’t get defensive because of what you’re saying, but rather because of why they think you’re saying it.

It’s likely they’ll gloss over the specific feedback about their working style and assume you think they’re incompetent. They may feel their job is on the line. Or maybe they’re already aware they struggle in this area and your criticism further confirms they are a failure.

Because safety is more about your intent, than your content, you can nip these distracting assumptions in the bud by starting the conversation with a statement about your good intent.

You can identify your good intent by asking yourself a few questions: What is it I really want here? And not just for me, but what do I want for them and for our relationship? So, given the context you’ve shared, your good intent might sound something like this:

“I would really like to see you succeed in your role here because I see a lot of potential in your skills and ability. The team really values your experience and what you bring to the table. There is one area where if you made some adjustments, would really help you achieve that potential and provide even more value to the team. Would you be open to some coaching?”

Now, making it safe is rarely a one-and-done skill. You must continually monitor for safety throughout your Crucial Conversation. As you begin sharing the feedback, and you start to notice safety is at risk—perhaps emotions are escalating, or they are beginning to shut down—you need to step out of the conversation and reestablish safety. You can do that with a contrasting statement which is to clarify what you don’t intend (which addresses their concerns) with what you do intend (which reiterates your good intent). It might sound like:

“I don’t intend to make you feel like you’re failing at your job. I do want to help you improve the way you manage your work so you can be less stressed and more effective in your role.”

You may have to reestablish safety several times. But if you do the work to make it safe, they should be willing to hear nearly anything from you—someone who has their best interest in mind.

Stick to the facts. Feedback is only as useful as it is actionable. When you share vague feedback like “You are frantic and unproductive,” it sounds less like feedback and more like a criticism of some character flaw. So before having the Crucial Conversation, identify specific behaviors and moments that validate your concern. For example:

• Don’t say: You’re unproductive.
• Do say: Last week, you spent two days working on the Acme proposal. That proposal should have taken just a few hours.

• Don’t say: You’re frantic.
• Do say: Yesterday, when I asked you for an update on the campaign brief, your response was exasperated and intense. I got the sense you were very overwhelmed by both the project and by providing the update.

• Don’t say: You are unorganized.
• Do say: In our one-on-one meetings, you struggle to provide a clear picture of what you’re actively working on.

You get the idea. Don’t come in with charged conclusions; be sure to provide concrete evidence that will illuminate their blind spots.

Diagnose and solve accordingly. Sounds like your repeated attempts to offer feedback and coaching haven’t led to a change in behavior. You’ll want to help diagnose the performance gap by first considering whether this is a motivation problem or an ability problem.

Do they know how to be more organized and less frantic? Are they aware of what to do? If not, then they have an ability gap. You can help them close that gap with training or coaching in productivity skills. Our Getting Things Done course (and book) can help with this ability challenge.

If it’s a motivation problem, try motivating them to action by sharing natural consequences. Kindly let them know how their behavior impacts you, their teammates, and results. Perhaps they can’t see how their mode of operation affects others. Bringing that to light could be a powerful motivator to change.

I suspect however, that they aren’t finding pleasure and joy in their frenzy and disorganization. I doubt they know what to do to be more organized. It’s more likely they’ve simply developed poor habits around managing their work. I bet you’ll discover this is an ability gap and something you can help them address with training and support.

I hope these skills will help you coach your team member through tough behavior change. Your ability to do so with candor and respect will make all the difference.

Brittney

The post My Employee Won’t Respond to Feedback but Needs to ASAP appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How do you respectfully call someone out for bad manners in public?

I frequently find myself in situations where someone’s behavior goes against well-known norms or even common decency. I work with people who dive into their smartphones while in the middle of a conversation without excusing themselves. They will literally check out of the conversation they’re having with me in person, start texting someone, then resume the conversation with me as though nothing happened. I think this is quite rude.

Or, there are people who smoke at my community park where it’s clearly prohibited. And they play their music loudly. I know these behaviors aren’t exclusive to young people, but it seems it’s almost always young adults who are guilty. Has nobody taught them?

Every time something like this happens, I want to say something but am not sure how to do so. I worry that speaking up will offend the person or lead to an argument or make matters worse, and yet I want to say something. I think our communities are better when people respect basic norms of, well, respect. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Old Fashioned

Dear Old Fashioned,

You’re in luck. A couple of years ago I conducted my own personal experiment to see how well our dialogue skills work when confronting strangers for bad manners. It was completely unscientific, and yet I learned several valuable lessons. It all started when I was hiking in the backcountry and crossed paths with a trio of young adults blasting Limp Bizkit from a Bluetooth speaker.

My irritation was palpable. “Are you kidding me?” I muttered while grunting up the trail. “What is wrong with these people?”

“Dad,” my kids said, “take it easy.”

We were on a family hike in late September. The air was crisp, the sunshine warm, the sky blue with a smattering of cumulus clouds that skirted the mountain peaks. The leaves on the trees were luminescent—orange, yellow, pink. We even brought along the family dog, Rosco. It was a perfect day, that is until these hoodlums came cavorting down the trail as though they were on their way to a rave.

“I think I’m gonna tell these people what’s up,” I said. “They can’t play music like that. Don’t they know that’s noise pollution?!”

“Dad, don’t you dare say something,” my kids cautioned. “That would be so embarrassing.”

“Trust me, kids. I’ve been studying Crucial Conversations. I just want to see how well the skills work. If they work in this situation, they should work in just about any situation.”

“Oh boy,” my wife exhaled.

Though I hadn’t been drinking, my determination to respectfully tell these folks how wrong they were to play music in a designated wilderness area could have been characterized as “hold my beer,” much like Clark Griswold’s determination to harvest the perfect Christmas tree.

We were getting closer now. My heartrate increased. My breathing grew short and rapid. Our paths met.

“Hey, I don’t mean any disrespect, but do you know that when you play music in the backcountry, you effectively turn this large, open space into your personal living room?”

The implication was clear: we didn’t walk all this way to find ourselves in your den of inferior taste in music.

The trio of twenty-something-year-olds looked at me incredulously. An audible groan came from my wife and children, who had distanced themselves behind me on the trail. The young man holding the speaker moved his pointer finger to the volume controls and tapped them in quick succession. The music died, as in the manner of a sad trombone.

I then tried to make small talk. “So… are you enjoying the hike?”

Crickets.

“Come on, guys,” the girl at the head of the group said, and they turned and continued hiking down the trail.

I then was subjected to a lecture from my family on why I should’ve kept my mouth shut, which gave way to a healthy conversation about social accountability. Why is it so challenging to confront people about relatively harmless—albeit annoying or inconsiderate—behaviors?

That dour interaction on the trail didn’t deter me from trying again. In the months that followed, I confronted someone at the grocery store, another at the coffee shop, and I had a few more occasions to confront people in the backcountry for playing music. Here’s what I learned.

Lesson 1: Take ownership of your feelings.

Your irritation is about your perspective, not their behavior. If you try to use the conversational skills of Crucial Conversations without first taking ownership of your emotional state, the only thing I can guarantee is that you’ll come across as a well-spoken jerk. You can probably guess how I know this.

Think of it like this: Two people go out hiking and both get a few pebbles down their boots. One can think only of the pebbles and hates the experience. The other notices only the surrounding beauty and loves the experience. It’s not the pebble in your footbed that makes the difference, but your perspective of it.

This is why Start with Heart and Master My Stories—those skills that help us examine our motives and reframe our perspective—come before all the others. The feeling of your feedback will improve drastically if you first let go the motive to express annoyance, ease your irritation, teach someone a lesson, or any similar inclination. Continue reading for a few tips on how to do this.

Lesson 2: Assume it’s a problem of ability.

One reason my delivery on the trail went so poorly is that it was informed by the belief “Any idiot knows it’s immoral to play music in the backcountry.”

Assume people aren’t aware of the norm you take for granted OR that they have understandable reasons for their behavior. When you assume someone lacks knowledge or ability, your motive shifts to lifting another to a social virtue, not ridding yourself of irritation. My delivery improved when I replaced my feeling of moral condemnation with a desire to share a perspective or make people aware of how their actions affect others.

Lesson 3: Highlight the social impact.

Social consequences are powerful deterrents of bad behavior. Many people commit such social offenses because they’re unaware of the impact. Perhaps the most effective thing you can do is reveal to them how their behavior affects others, especially those they esteem.

Lesson 4: Express respect for autonomy.

Getting called out by a stranger almost always feels like a rebuke. In my experience, people usually conform in the moment because the rebuke shocks them into submission. But don’t bank on that. Instead, make it clear you respect the other person’s freedom to choose as they will, to continue as they are, and that you only wanted to share your perspective. This, I think, softens the blow.

Lesson 5: Don’t attempt to manage how the other person feels about your words.

No matter how gracious your delivery, odds are your recipient will feel gobsmacked (see findings from our survey about feedback). You must be willing to live with this. Efforts to change how they feel about your feedback will likely compound any sense of offense or conflict. So, speak your peace, then carry on.

Lesson 6: Turn it into a script.

A pre-packaged approach that combines the above points will reduce your chances of getting derailed by emotions. Because I frequently encounter people in the backcountry playing music, I ultimately devised a script that goes something like this.

“Hi, how are you today? Do you mind if I share something with you? First, I want you to know I respect your freedom to do as you will—this wilderness area is as much yours as it is mine, so please understand what I’m about to say is not a demand. You may not be aware of this, but it’s generally considered impolite to play music out here. Many see it as a form of pollution, and it’s prohibited in areas. Keeping this space quiet allows it to be shared by many, all of whom want it to feel as though it’s their own. I thought you should know.”

Lesson 7: Recognize this is part of the human tapestry.

Not everybody signals when changing lanes, returns the grocery cart after unloading it, or washes after using the restroom. This is the world we live in, and we all contribute to it in ways.

After my months of experimenting, I now usually resort to Lesson 1 and change my perspective—which is sufficient to ease my irritation—and I don’t feel the need to say anything at all. My exposure to tobacco smoke will be momentary. Undivided attention isn’t always required. The music will die down. You may find the same.

That said, I’m not suggesting you should refrain from speaking up. Norms don’t persist unless people uphold them. Though I’ve stopped testing my skills with every stranger who commits a social faux pas, I continue to address those in the backcountry because I want silence to prevail there. And after all my work on my approach, do you know how people respond?

They are stunned! They don’t know what to say! They look at me dumbfounded! They stumble over their words! It’s uncomfortable! But ALWAYS they turn down their music. Just as they did before.

So why go to the trouble?

Perhaps our shared virtues are worth the work. Should we choose to encourage respect for them, it’s our hope that we can do so with respect for those we encourage.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post Kids These Days appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I recently assumed the role of assistant nurse manager in a very busy procedural area of a hospital. I have learned that one of our technicians has been causing drama on the team for several years. Nurses have been known to cry because of her aggression and passive-aggressive behavior. Previous management didn’t know how to deal with her, as she incessantly denies accusations. How would you recommend I confront this person with a Crucial Conversation?

Signed,
Tired of Drama

Dear Tired,

Several years ago we did a research study on the impact of interpersonal drama in healthcare. And the takeaway is probably no surprise to you—drama in healthcare isn’t reserved for nighttime television. Most caregiver teams experience predictable and toxic levels of drama in the form of slackers, timid supervisors, toxic peers, arrogant doctors, you name it.

We surveyed 1,200 physicians, nurses, and staff and found five interpersonal issues that are particularly pervasive and destructive: poor initiative, difficult peers, failure to hold others accountable, unresponsive physicians, and managers who play favorites. Let’s zone in on difficult peers.

Difficult peers were defined as colleagues who gossiped, spread rumors, gave people the cold shoulder, and are rude, sarcastic, and mean. Sound familiar? More than 56% of respondents said difficult peers were common and two of three said the resulting problems were costly—meaning difficult peers negatively affected patient safety, quality of care, patient experience, and employee engagement. (Download the full study.)

But I don’t need to convince you that a toxic colleague is detrimental to team health. It’s the other findings that will be key to helping you address this issue.

We didn’t just look at whether these challenges were common and costly, we also looked at whether they were discussable and solvable. What we found is that the real problem in healthcare isn’t drama—it’s silence. The real problem isn’t that these interpersonal challenges exist, because it’s rather unrealistic to think that a work environment characterized by long hours, extreme urgency, unbelievably high stakes, and large power differentials wouldn’t produce people problems. Rather, the problem is that when interpersonal challenges arise, people are unwilling to address them and solve them—much as you have described with your own team. In fact, when it came to difficult peers, 78% of survey respondents said this problem was barely or not at all discussable, and 79% said it was barely or not at all solvable.

So, how do you change the script? How do you speak up to a disrespectful team member—not to mention one who has gotten away with bad behavior for several years? Our research and experience suggest that dialogue is drama’s kryptonite. When people share their full concerns in ways that are frank, honest, and respectful, disputes are often solved before they become drama. We ultimately arrived at two conclusions:

1. Having a leader who demonstrates strong and positive interpersonal skills is one of the best ways to not only eliminate the challenge but also mitigate the resulting costs.
2. Teams that encourage and enable dialogue are more successful at eliminating drama and achieving positive outcomes.

When it came to skilled leaders, we looked specifically at those who had been trained in Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue and/or Crucial Conversations for Accountability. We found that when managers had been trained in one of these programs, the five interpersonal challenges were significantly less common, more discussable, and more solvable. They also achieved significantly higher scores on patient safety, quality of care, patient experience, and staff engagement.

So, to address future difficult peers and other interpersonal challenges quickly and effectively, consider getting trained in Crucial Conversations. To help you with your immediate challenge, here are a few Crucial Conversations skills for speaking up to an unaccountable, toxic employee.

Communicate Respect

Communicating respect in the first 30 seconds helps others feel safe, which will help them listen to you. For example, begin with, “I want to be a loyal friend and a good teammate. I have some concerns and don’t want to let them get in the way of our working relationship. Do you have a minute to discuss them?”

Lead with Facts

When sharing concerns, don’t lead with accusations or judgmental language. Lead with facts. For example, replace, “I think you are rude to our teammates in staff meetings” with “In our last staff meeting, you cut off Ellen when she was speaking and then rolled your eyes.”

Share Natural Consequences

Motivate others by helping them see the natural consequences of their misbehavior in ways that matter to them. For example, “I’ve heard you expressing frustration that people aren’t friendly to you. I think I know some reasons why and would be willing to share them if you’d like.”

Invite Dialogue

Remember you are probably partly wrong about how you see things. After sharing your concerns, encourage the other person to share his or hers—and even to show you where you may be wrong. Others will be more open to your views if they are convinced you’re open to theirs.

Hold Superiors Accountable

If the Crucial Conversation fails, and if the bad behaviors continue to affect you and others negatively, your next discussion needs to be with superiors or even HR. Use these same steps to help them see that they need to do a better job dealing with this errant employee.

The research had a silver lining. We found a hopeful minority of hospitals where leaders have created cultures of open dialogue and where honest conversation is the norm when problems arise. They see not just markedly better behavior but also substantially improved results. These teams and departments scored 16% higher on patient safety, 18% higher on quality of care, 19% higher on patient experience, and 37% higher on staff engagement than teams where leaders chose silence.

Good luck in your Crucial Conversation. It will be worth it.

Brittney

You can download the study here: Crucial Moments in Healthcare.

The post Speaking Up to Problem Employees appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I’m the chair of an organization and someone on the board is leaking information. Someone made a derogatory comment about a person in a board meeting, and someone on the board told that person. I have addressed the issue of confidentiality before, so this is a violation of that expectation. Leaks like this undermine board trust and other relationships. How should I approach this?

Signed,
Leaky Board

Dear Leaky Board,

You’re right to take this issue seriously. This is a material violation of trust that undermines the board’s ability to deliberate about sensitive issues. Each board member must be willing to place their commitment to board integrity and organizational interests over their kinship with particular employees. For the purposes of my response, I will assume you have unassailable evidence that the leak came from a board member. If so, I suggest the following.

Address It Privately

If you know who the offending board member is, confront them privately. Consult legal counsel about whether you should do it in company with one other board member. Share the evidence of their breach of board integrity then invite them to respond. Listen sincerely but without allowing easy dismissal of the compelling evidence. But be open to persuasive mitigating information that could come to light in the course of the conversation.

Repair or Resign?

If they acknowledge some level of impropriety, you must decide whether remediation is possible and preferable. Is the board member such a significant asset that even with damaged trust they are worth keeping? Is the board member willing to acknowledge error with those who have been harmed (the board and those individuals affected)? Weigh your responses to these questions in your deliberation about whether to ask them to resign or remedy the situation—and what form the remedy should take.

Investigate Thoroughly

If you don’t know who the offending board member is, raise the issue with the board, including sharing the evidence of breach of confidence. Ask for the board’s views on both the severity of and appropriate response to the incident. If they agree that it is a material breach of trust, and an issue worth pursuing to resolution, you might propose an appropriate investigation process. Even if the investigation is inconclusive, you will have still sent a message to board members of the seriousness with which such violations will be addressed.

The best case scenario is that someone who erred acknowledges it and commits to do better. The second best outcome is for the undiscovered offender to be put on notice by your vigorous response that board integrity is a value you will fight for.

I wish you the best in restoring trust to your board. The best boards and teams I’ve worked on are ones where it’s okay to be human. Mistakes are understood, but improvement is expected.

Sincerely,
Joseph

The post Someone on the Board is Leaking Information. What Should I Do? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

Constructive criticism. I absolutely hate it and completely shut down when I hear it. It’s still criticism, however “constructive” the giver thinks it is. But I know it’s a popular thing to “give.” How can I overcome my aversion to it?

Signed,
Fearful of Feedback

Dear Fearful,

Before you work on overcoming your aversion to constructive criticism, I have a suggestion: explore it. It may be telling you something.

In my experience, people are averse to constructive criticism for one of two reasons. They either think the criticism is intended to tear them down rather than build them up—the critic is simply hiding their intent behind the term “constructive”—or they associate criticism with shaming. Any feedback that implies they could or should do something differently negatively impacts their sense of self.

I am not sure from your message what’s contributing to your aversion, but I encourage you to explore it. Until you know, you won’t be able to address it.

Now, assuming you fall into one of the two categories above, here are some suggestions for how to move forward.

Reframe

If the constructive criticism is more critical than constructive, try reframing it.

For example, someone calls and says, “Hey, Emily, can you talk? I have some constructive criticism about your recent Q&A.”

Now, my hackles might immediately raise because, yuck, constructive criticism. But I can influence how this interaction unfolds by framing my response to highlight the constructive part of constructive criticism. “Sure, that would be great. I always appreciate good feedback and specific suggestions of what I can do better.”

With this framing, I have hopefully communicated that I’d like to hear not just what I did poorly, but also specific suggestions of what I should do differently.

Ask for the FIX

In some cases, people intent on telling you what you’ve done wrong may miss your subtle reframing. If that happens, ask for the FIX.

Years ago, my mentor Kerry Patterson was working with an up-and-coming writer named Liz Wiseman (you may have heard of her). Kerry had asked Liz to copyedit something he had written. Liz diligently edited the piece, marking one specific passage with AWK, a common proofreading mark that indicates awkward phrasing. After Kerry reviewed Liz’s edits, he returned the paper with a note: “Never give an AWK without a FIX.”

When people give you feedback, it’s fair to ask them for a specific fix. Let’s go back to the example above about feedback on this article. Let’s say my editor, or critic, highlights a few things he doesn’t like and then stops. My response?

“Thanks for pointing that out. I’d really like your suggestions on how to fix this or improve it. What do you suggest?”

Make a Choice

You have probably heard the expression “feedback is a gift.” You might have an aversion to that expression too! I know I did for many years—until I stopped and thought about what it meant.

Imagine someone gives you a gift, maybe a piece of art for your home or an article of clothing. The gift is thoughtful and expresses love or appreciation. Unfortunately, the gift is simply not your style. It doesn’t fit in your home or wardrobe. It just isn’t you. So, what do you do? If you are like me, you express your honest and sincere appreciation for the thoughtfulness behind the gift. And then you re-gift it or donate it.

The point is you don’t have to keep it. Just because someone gives you a gift doesn’t mean you must integrate it into your home, your wardrobe, or your life. You get to choose. And so it is with feedback. You can be grateful that someone took the time and effort to share their perspective, and you can choose whether or not to integrate that feedback.

Feedsmacked?

Finally, don’t expect feedback to be delivered perfectly. Your critic may have valuable perspective, even if delivered poorly. For some great insight on how to listen to a poorly delivered message, check out Joseph Grenny’s presentation “Feedsmacked” from Crucial Learning’s 2019 REACH conference.

Warmly,
Emily

The post Constructive Criticism: How to Hear It When You’d Rather Not appeared first on Crucial Learning.

I’m a project manager and often hold meetings with my team to ensure tasks get completed on time and project timelines aren’t in jeopardy. Recently, one team member said he wasn’t going to meet his deadlines. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to call him out in front of everyone during the meeting, but I also didn’t want to let it slide. He has done this before. Any suggestions?

Signed,
Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Managers (of people and projects) are often called upon to make tough choices. Should we invest in this technology, or that? Should we hire this person, or that person? Should we focus our efforts on this market, or that one? Because so much of a manager’s work is a zero-sum game, it’s no wonder many develop binary thinking and see many choices as trade-offs.

Your question presents a tough binary choice between two different values: should you be respectful of your team member by not calling him out, or should you be honest about the missed deadlines? Respect, or candor? Which do you choose?

Here’s my advice: don’t choose. Reject the choice as the artificial and false binary that it is. It is possible, in this situation and others, to be both respectful and candid. You can start by believing you can. In fact, consider this: being direct and candid is one of the most authentic ways to be truly respectful of another person.

Here’s how you can start.

Create a Team Norm

Explain how you will handle missed deadlines and why. When starting a project (or starting to work with new team members) jointly acknowledge that deadlines will be missed at some point by someone. No project in the history of projects has ever gone exactly as planned. Once you have set the expectation that occasionally people will miss deadlines, talk about how you will handle this. Start with your good intent and let everyone know exactly how you’ll handle misses and why. It might sound like:

“Because so many other projects depend on this project, we need to talk about misses as a group. When someone misses a deadline, it impacts everyone. So, when that happens, let’s address it as a group, support each other, solve the problem together, and get back on track.”

Make It Safe

When needed, remind people of the team norm and shared expectation. When someone misses a deadline, as someone inevitably will, you can create psychological safety within the group by reminding them how you agreed to address misses. With safety established, you can call people in, not call them out. It might sound like this:

“Thanks for letting us know about the slip. As we all decided at the beginning of this project, these moments are good opportunities for us as a team to solve problems and support each other. Can you help us understand what factors are contributing?”

Note the reinforcement here of team accountability: “Can you help us understand” rather than “Can you help me understand?” Because you have set an expectation of accountability, you can now make accountability the province of the team, not just yourself.

At this point, you might be frustrated with my response. So far, I have suggested what you could have done earlier—but the horse is out of the barn! Team norms are great and all, but if you don’t already have them in place, what can you do right now?

Take It Private, Publicly

If you haven’t set the expectation that accountability will be a team effort, I think your best course of action is to hold the conversation privately, one-on-one. However, make sure you communicate to the rest of the team that these missed deadlines will be addressed, not just glossed over. So, make it public. It might sound like this:

“I’d like to talk about the missed deadlines and their impact. I’ll set up a time for the two of us to talk later, and then we can bring back an update to the team.”

In this way, you preserve safety for the individual by taking the conversation private, but you signal to the team that the conversation will happen. Moreover, you lay the groundwork for future accountability, and perhaps even a new team norm, by committing to report back to the team.

Hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Emily

The post Should You Hold People Accountable Publicly? appeared first on Crucial Learning.

How can I nudge my partner to start using some GTD® skills?

Signed,
Losing Patience

Dear Losing Patience,

Consider what nudging looks like in practice. To verbally nudge someone is to volley hints or suggestions but without directly addressing the issue or revealing how much you care about it. A nudge may get someone to wash the dishes, finish that report, or do a back handspring, but it’s not likely to change behavior.

It may help you to think of nudging in the physical sense. Physically, a nudge may be less aggressive than a shove or a push, but it’s more aggressive than an invitation or a helping hand. It implies prodding or pricking, which imply leading from behind. And leading from behind is an oxymoron. To lead, you must be in the lead. The only sustainable way to move another along—into GTD, healthy communication, handwashing, or any other behavior for which you’re an advocate—is to bring them along.

Here are a few ideas. I share them on the assumption that you’ve already extended a friendly invitation that hasn’t been received.

Set the Example

If you want to lead someone into new behavior, you should be a living example of that behavior. Aristotle wrote, “Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.”

Character may not only be the most effective means of persuasion, it may be your only means. If in the end you fail to persuade your partner into adopting GTD skills, your example will continue to influence. You don’t have to be a perfect example, but it should be clear by your living, not just your talking, that your moral compass encompasses the behaviors you advocate.

Foster Respect

For this conversation to go well, you’ll need to convey respect, and to convey respect you must feel respect.

Even with a partner or a spouse, it’s easy to lose sight of respect in the face of disagreement or irritation. Here’s what I do to regain my sense of respect when I’ve lost it.

First, recognize that the problem is your problem. Even if your partner’s behavior is leading to negative outcomes, you must acknowledge that if you have a problem with his or her behavior, it’s your problem. When we recognize that the problems we have with others are, in fact, our problems, we switch from trying to change the other person to trying to communicate why we find the behavior problematic, which is far more effective. This is largely how I think of Master My Stories.

Second, recognize the other person’s autonomy. If you approach the conversation with a do-or-die mindset, you’ll provoke resistance and get frustrated. Don’t raise the issue until you’re at peace with the fact that your partner is an autonomous agent and may choose contrary to your wishes.

Third, identify why the new behavior matters to your partner’s wellbeing and growth. Easing your irritation, for example, is not a compelling cause. Wider social consequences or personal values, however, are great motivators. So, is your partner’s lack of GTD skills affecting the kids, friends, family, their wellbeing? Sharing this information will help you not only convey respect but also care and concern. I think this is the essence of Start with Heart.

Be Bold as Love

When you feel you are ready to speak respectfully, speak directly. No nudging needed. Convey your respect and intent, then point out a few of the problems arising in your partner’s life, your life, or the lives of others because of your partner’s behaviors. If you’ve done the internal work, your feedback should come across as courageous concern, not coercive criticism.

Over the years I have developed my own scripts for preparing someone for feedback based on the skills taught in Crucial Conversations, and they look something like this:

“What I’m about to say may feel confrontational. Please know that I’m speaking up because I respect you enough to be honest with you, and because I care about you and our work.”

Then say the hard things.

With those who can be sensitive to feedback, I have said something like this:

“I know this may be hard to hear, but I want you to know I’m telling you this because I care. We can’t always see our own shortcomings and mistakes, and we all depend on feedback from each other to become better versions ourselves. That’s how we grow. And this is only my perspective—you’re free to disagree. I only ask that you thoughtfully consider it.”

Then say the hard things.

I have watched defensiveness dissolve in seconds with the sincere expression of respect and concern. Reflect on these principles and examples and come up with your own approach.

Keep the Dialogue Going

After you’ve shared your perspective, ask your partner, “How do you see it?” Then listen. And be open to a later discussion. Feedback, no matter how well it’s delivered, often takes time to process (learn more in this article). Wherever the conversation goes, make it clear to your partner you respect them and ongoing dialogue more than getting your way. If your partner responds to the feedback, it will be evident with curiosity and questions. You’ll now have a partner receptive to suggestions. Share why you think the GTD skills can help.

Find Joy in Their Strengths

Finally, find joy in your partner’s strengths. In the end, your partner may not be open to the behaviors you suggest. They may disagree with your perspective. Don’t get hung up on this. Each of us is comprised of many qualities, some bad, some good. Try to focus on your partner’s good qualities and continue improving your own.

I’ve shared a few ideas for starting the conversation. Our books and courses teach several more on continuing that conversation and supporting someone through behavior change.

Good luck,
Ryan

The post How to “Nudge” Your Partner to Change appeared first on Crucial Learning.