Comments on: Preparing for a Crucial Conversation with an Aging Parent https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/ VitalSmarts is now Crucial Learning Mon, 10 Nov 2014 23:49:32 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.2 By: Laurie https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2923 Mon, 10 Nov 2014 23:49:32 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2923 We have an opportunity in the “Golden Years” of our parents to love, respect and help them stay in their home as long as possible. If you really want to be of assistance, start planting the seed by building conversation. “Mom, have you thought of moving?” “Dad, things appear to be more stressful for you. Have you thought about…?” Have open conversations instead of trying to fix.
If health related issues surface, where falls are happening and then a few hospital visits, eventually, change starts to automatically happen.
Sometimes, a parent or parents, decide it’s time to make life easier and they are part of looking for a “nice” place to live. Planning is key – as long as it takes and as long as life allows for choices. Then there is the health issue where the mind and body are not working in sync.

]]> By: Patience & Presence | The Baobab Way https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2922 Thu, 03 Oct 2013 12:02:21 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2922 […] A tough conversation; probably one of the most difficult you could have. It’s a fairly long article, but well worth your time: Preparing for a Crucial Conversation with an Aging Parent. […]

]]> By: Jeff Brown https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2921 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 18:28:59 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2921 I agree with the reservations expressed by the other commenters. In his response, Kerry Patterson seemed to be assuming that the need to place the aging mom in an assisted living facility was not in question. And maybe that is in fact the case (perhaps there was more information provided from the questioner than was stated in the article). However, the wording of the question itself (“How can I have a conversation with her to help her understand that she needs to move so we will know she is safe?”) leads to another possible conclusion.

Could it be that the real motivation is to reduce the worry on the part of the child? Could the reality be different? Is Mom’s safety really in jeopardy? Rather than starting the conversation by establishing that Mom is going no matter what, and the only choice she has is where, why not start the conversation by exploring alternatives that would allow her to stay in her own home? Depending on her condition, it could be something as simple as a Life-Alert device or as involved as home health care.

It would seem this approach would make Mom more involved in the decision and accepting of the outcome, whatever that is.

]]> By: Patience & Presence | Riana Avis https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2920 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:01:04 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2920 […] A tough conversation; probably one of the most difficult you could have. It’s a fairly long article, but well worth your time: Preparing for a Crucial Conversation with an Aging Parent. […]

]]> By: Oli https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2919 Sat, 13 Apr 2013 06:02:40 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2919 I agree wholeheartedly with the 3 responses above. We elders (I’m 72) are not necessarily stupid, and may want to make a choice to stay at home despite the worry we cause our children. Our children need to learn how to handle that worry. My goodness, we elders have had to “worry” about the choices our kids make, some of which ARE stupid and lead to tragic ends, but we’ve learned not to butt in with meddling, unless asked for our opinion. If our children have some new technical gadget that sends an emergency alerts them, or a central agency when we elders push a button, maybe that would help our kids live with our decisions. I’d go that far. Furthermore, why wait to have these conversations? I initiated a conversation and plan to continue them as I age. For example, my children know I’ll gladly give up my keys long before there’s a risk that my aging might kill someone. I am not even close to needing to be “housed”, which means these conversations are non-threatening for each of us. We all agree that Mom is a long way from moving day. I speed walk 2-miles a day and hiked 4.5 miles with my kids, up steep hills, during Spring Break! That helps them recognize “my time” is not close at hand. I must admit, your answer to this inquiry made me bristle.

]]> By: Chad Andrews https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2918 Thu, 11 Apr 2013 00:22:37 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2918 Hi, I agree at least in part with bluefergus17 above. It’s a tough decision and if the elder adult is still competent they shouldn’t be forced into assisted living if it is against their will. Many people who go in against their will get depressed and don’t live that long anyway. There is always something to be said about having independence even if it is not “as safe” as assited living. On the other hand , sometimes assisted living could be a great source of socialization , new friends etc and the parent might like it. Another option would be live in home support. PS: I took care of people living in assited living for over 10 years and both my parents spent a month or so in a nursing home before dying. My mother was alert and very independent( and stubborn) and wanted to live independently. She only went to the nursing home after getting hospitalized. If I had it to do again, I wouldn’t change anything.

]]> By: Mary Alice Melwak https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2917 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:36:11 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2917 While the sequence of conversation was reasonable your response assumed that all decision making and autonomy was removed form the aging parent. In reality, many assited living and elder care facilities are still rife with abuse and low care standards. It is much better for elders to age in place with support and often times less expensive for the family. It was negelectful of your column to assume that assisted living is beautiful and the only option as well as not trying to assure the dignity and safety of elders. Check the research on what is best for elder care….it is not to leave their homes if at all possible.

]]> By: bluefergus17 https://cruciallearning.com/blog/preparing-for-a-crucial-conversation-with-an-aging-parent/#comment-2916 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:42:23 +0000 http://www.crucialskills.com/?p=3915#comment-2916 I’ve been reading this blog for years now, and I have to say this is the first time I’ve ever strongly disagreed with the advice. My disagreement stems from the belief that the children get to decide that she needs to move into assisted living, and that she has no choice. I see no mention of a condition that has affected her ability to reason. The last time I checked, an adult, even one who is a senior citizen, has the right to make their own choices pertaining to their lives. I can assure you that if I tried this with my mother, it would cause a huge rift in our relationship that would be very difficult to mend. Why do we treat the elderly as if they’re stupid, and incapable of making their own decisions? Their life experience should lend their decisions and opinions greater weight. Instead the recommendation is to treat them as children. I really expected a response that talked about building mutual purpose, and trying to help the mother come to the best decision for her. This ‘resistance is futile’ approach is very disappointing.

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