Learn to Look is a skill taught in Crucial Conversations. It’s the ability to recognize when a conversation goes from casual to crucial; in other words, to notice that you’re not feeling safe anymore (e.g., nervous, anxious, frustrated, threatened, upset, etc.). The reason I mention it is that we often don’t *consciously* notice that something has changed in the conversation. Rather, we get caught up in our strong emotions and react badly, going to some form of silence (often withdrawing) or violence (arguing, blaming, threatening, or just being snarky). The beauty of Learn to Look is that it empowers us to deliberately use crucial conversation skills to navigate the interaction and be at our best, rather than just reacting and making things even worse. It’s the “red flag” that tell us, “Watch out, danger ahead! Be on the alert for things to spiral out of control. Use your best skills!” I call it a “gateway” skill because it cues us to then be conscious of the dynamics of a crucial conversation and choose the skills that will help things end well.

What do you mean by “learn to look”?

One thing I would add to your recommendations is that the very first skill that Flustered would use is Learn to Look. I bring this up because it’s what I like to call the “gateway” skill because it leads to using the other skills, as you’ve pointed out in your response. I think most of us need to get better at learning to look, especially in situations like this one where we feel caught off-guard.

Thanks for another great article, Ron!