Comments on: Diagnosing a Troubled Marriage

By: joe maressa

joe maressa — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 17:11:52 +0000

Went through similar situation after 20 tears of marriage. Wife said “do not like you any more” I then thought about; what we had in common; reasons we married were still same: children, God, values,common activities. She said people change ; maybe we need to divorce. I did not buy it; prayed a lot about it and worked hard at it. 100 times harder than Infantry Boot Camp. Found out what was really bothering her, changed most of it –still working on things. I suspect you are really not “listening” to your wife; you are listening to all the past arguments and saying “Here she goes again” when tha argument starts. Great books; Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Listening :The Forgotten Skill by Madelyn Burley-Gottman and “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” by Mark Goulston. If you value marriage you can make it work; you have your work cut out to make the changes you need but it will be worth it. I will say a prayer also

By: A Goodman

A Goodman — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 18:54:21 +0000

The other part of verbally abusive relationships is that it often takes many years of dealing with it before you see it for what it is especially in a marriage (for me it took 16 years). I'm wondering if you read Ms. Evan's book; it was a real eye opener for me. I felt as if it was a call to action. I found that when I confronted the violations and refused to stand for them and issued a warning as well, the only way to get traction was to carry out my warning after repeated violations. Someone can change only if they want to and in my case it was clear my spouse was unable to do just that. We clearly did not share the same "reality" (to quote Ms. Evans). @Joseph Grenny

By: Joseph Grenny

Joseph Grenny — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:41:07 +0000

I know the feeling. I wish you the best. It's terrifying to face such uncertainty. And yet it's the only way to a better reality. My thoughts and support are with you and so many of us who are trying to create change in a healthy way. @JB

By: Joseph Grenny

Joseph Grenny — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:40:06 +0000

Thank you for this comment and advice. My guess is that others out there will benefit from it. Personally I believe that the Crucial Conversations skills help even when dealing with a verbal abuser - but only if you're having the right conversation. That conversation needs to be about boundaries and confronting violations of them. If it's anything less then you become an enabler. @A Goodman

By: Becky

Becky — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:25:07 +0000

Joseph, thank you for posting this response. It was like you were speaking directly to my marriage. I plan on reading it through a few times, then try to address my own issues.

By: A Goodman

A Goodman — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:19:58 +0000

I went through a difficult struggle with my spouse ~2 years ago. I used Crucial Conversation techniques in an attempt to communicate with her and negotiate breathing room for myself; however, my spouse was and still is a verbal abuser and she was unrelenting. The methods taught by courses such as Crucial Conversations do not work with someone who is a verbal abuser. I reached out to counselors for help, educated myself, and removed myself from a hopeless situation. Patricia Evans has a very informative book on the subject, “Understanding the Verbally Abusive Relationship.” I suggest reading it if all else fails; it may provide the necessary information to a victim, who otherwise may not understand.

Sincerely,
Used-to-be a victim.

By: Henry

Henry — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 19:00:34 +0000

This is probably not a resource you have seen, but one that is going through our close friends, It is a book called The Garden of Peace – A Marital Guide for Men Only. There is another one for Women Only.

This is a translated work that is working amazing results in marriages.

This is looking at the goal of Peace in the Home.

From the Forward -” a peaceful home surpasses any imaginable paradise. Those who live in a peaceful home have the feeling that they’re walking around in an exotic garden of peace. ”

Communication has improved where people have used these concepts.

Henry

By: JB

JB — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 18:43:27 +0000

This addresses so much of what is going on in my own situation. I feel sick and afraid and hopeful.

I’m going to bite off a small piece and try it.

With gratitude.

By: Mark

Mark — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 15:38:16 +0000

I have walked through a marriage that decayed over 12 years and died in divorce. After my failure I worked hard to address my part and learn how to relate well in marriage. A few books helped greatly like Crucial Conversations and another significant relationship book is Love and Respect. A woman’s core need is love and a man’s core need is respect. The challenge for all men is loving when you feel disrespected and for all women it’s respecting when you feel unloved. The strength of the book Love and Respect is helping men love regardless of perceived disrespect and helping women respect regardless of perceived unloving behavior. A deeply respected good natured man will respond in time with love. A deeply loved good natured woman will respond in time with respect. It’s in our nature to. I found reading Love and Respect paired with Change Anything to be very helpfull at creating a good solid second marriage. All the better that you get to do this with your current spouse.
Working hard to love better,
Mark.

By: Reta

Reta — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 13:50:43 +0000

I highly recommend getting help from someone who you can both trust and respect enough to open up and be real with. It saved our marriage 13 years ago. We were helped along in really hearing each other and understanding what the other person meant in the words that they said. It gave us the skills to continue to have the hard discussions in a way that was productive and not destructive. It does require a desire and a commitment from both partners. I am always saddened when people let this go on so long that they no longer care any more when help can make such a difference and restore love to a marriage.