Comments on: Holding a "Charmer" Accountable

By: Rachel Peterson

Rachel Peterson — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:38:55 +0000

Is the brother not an adult (age only maybe?) All the sister can be is responsible for what she chooses, you can not delegate responsibility,it has to be taken. @Jeff

By: Jeff

Jeff — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:58:13 +0000

You mentioned that she needs to be “If you persistently and consistently confront his bad behavior” to succeed. What happens when the brother is equally persistent in his behavior. How do you proceed so that he give in? It seems like it’s a matter of wills…

By: Rachel Peterson

Rachel Peterson — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:01:28 +0000

I do understand the frustration of little sister here, I’m the mother of a “Charmer.” I offer this also, stop enabling him by covering for him. Yes, in some situations you may need to do so, ie. mom’s snowbound and needs her medicine, groceries, etc. But, in other situations where your brother has promised something and it has fallen thru, and the person to whom it was promised comes to you, you need to not take that on, and you need to tell them, “I’m sorry that happened, but you will have to take that up with my brother.” Be firm if needed. If your brother runs into that kind of response you won’t be the only one sending that message to your brother, and maybe he’ll decide to grow up.

By: Betsy

Betsy — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:35:49 +0000

Great guidance. Thank you so much. What would you say to a family that seems to be content just to individually connect with the matriarch and get together either once a year (or every few years -10- for some of them) with the siblings. Attempts to dialogue (“Just finished a wonderful book on Crucial Conversations, which encouraged a mutual purpose for relationships that have needed help. Would you like to come up with a mutual purpose for our family and see if we can get dialogue going to strengthen our family roots?”) have either been ignored or brushed off with a short remark about having coffee sometime. Even after a qualifying statement of “Having strong family relationships means so much to me that I’d be willing to hop a plane and come see you. Would that be possible soon?” the answers are cool. Help? Thank you. Betsy

By: Linda

Linda — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:02:43 +0000

Not a comment, but a question. “Why?” seems to me to be a rather challenging question and some people tend to get defensive when you ask it. I would feel better asking “What happened?” –or is the Why necessary here?