Comments on: Help! My Friend is a Bit . . . Different

By: grizzly bear mom

Thu, 03 May 2012 19:40:20 +0000

Regarding your strange friend: when I was on active duty in the states, my husband was deployed overseas. Evidently I missed our conversations because a while later one of my co workers asked “Don’t they let you talk at home?” Perhaps Mary has and never had anyone to interact with at home and hasn’t learned social niceties and small talk. Is she a recent widow, lost a loved one, empty nester or retiree and intimidated outside of conversing on allergies, ducks and cards?

To me it seems more loving, wise and courageous to say “My goodness Mary. We certainly want your input on more than ducks. What do you think of these photos of my grandchildren/new drapes/prize roses or the new Quarter Ponder?” or to schedule discussing travel plans next month than to provide an armature diagnoses of a mental illness.

They say if you hear hoof beats don’t look for zebras on Main Street.

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By: Joseph Grenny

Thu, 03 May 2012 18:59:51 +0000

By: Alicia

Thu, 03 May 2012 08:15:19 +0000

By: Alicia

Thu, 03 May 2012 08:06:14 +0000

Thank you, I am actually autistic and really liked this article, normally people just love to blame us for every social failure without remembering that it takes more than one person to have social communication. Actually people just exclude us so it was great to read this.
I think those are helpful suggestions and it did something really rare that is to remember we are people with feelings.
Maybe one day more people will try to include people like me.
We normally care a lot about other people’s needs as long as we know what they are trying to tell us, talking openly and with respect is great for this, with all sides working to improve the situation there is a good chance this will work, for others that read this too.
Just one thing I need to say, many of us have sense of humor, many do not.

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By: Joseph Grenny

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:49:28 +0000

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words – Seems like most of us agree this is an “ability” not a “motivation” problem. And you can’t solve some ability issues with crucial conversations. The key is for us to be understanding and skillful in how we respond.

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By: Joseph Grenny

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:48:26 +0000

By: Joseph Grenny

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:47:39 +0000

By: SLCCOM

Wed, 02 May 2012 19:47:35 +0000

Elsy, I don’t believe that anyone is suggesting that Mary be “labeled.” However, talking to her about the possibility of the autism spectrum can be extremely helpful, and a very loving thing to do. Just as you would alert a friend that they are behaving in a way that suggests that they have a hearing loss, someone who has unusual behaviors can find that the possibility of a medical explanation lifts a weight of guilt and fear that you are somehow “choosing” the behavior and just need to stop it.

Not everyone is diagnosed in childhood. Indifferent parents, unassertive parents, ignorant parents, stubborn parents who absolutely will NOT entertain the thought that something is wrong with little Junior, and many other situations can lead to someone who needs some help not getting it.

As for talking to the group, helping others realize that Mary may not just be a jerk reframes the entire situation into something where Mary can be helped, welcomed and everyone has the opportunity to grow. This will, in turn, help the other members of the group become sensitive to the others in their lives.

This is not a matter of coworkers; it is a social group. Coworkers would make it an entirely different situation, as treating a coworker as if she is disabled can create serious problems for the company.

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By: Craig Battrick

Wed, 02 May 2012 19:16:06 +0000

Joseph, this story was timely. Cheri and I spent an excruciating evening a couple of weeks ago with just such a person as Mary. We avoided her offer to attend another event with her the following night and thereby lost the opportunity to meet some new friends. Thanks for the help!

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By: elsy mejia-carpio

Wed, 02 May 2012 17:14:49 +0000

My point of view reading this situation is that the Coffee Group is composed of so many people with different kind of behaviour. Since the majority of the group it seems afraid to get into the conversation either because they do not have nothig to said or because they are focusing on Mary’s issue only. To me it will be not prudent and I do not recommend that any of the group act as a psychologist or doctor to label Mary as having Asperger syndrome. It seems that the group is trying to label her in order to exclude themselves from their lack of social interactions. I recommend that all of them should try to talk and just do not let Mary to command the group. Mary may be think that all the group are enjoying her topic and she just keep talking about the same. Please do not tell Mary about any syndrome. Everyone as coworkers should recognize that they need to change their own behavior and share their own topics with the group. In life everyone have their own expertize or problems sharing them with other friends will increase their social interaction and friendship.

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